What with all the music being flung around this episode, it was so very appropriate that we had several looks inspired by iconic moments in music. Observe:

1. Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One More Time":

It’s too bad there wasn’t a clearer shot of this outfit, or at least a more up close one. It’s totally channeling that whole schoolgirl shtick. You know, B. Spears before the shaved head.

2. The Spice Girls...kind of:

Ok, so this one is a bit of a stretch, but there is definitely some 90s girl group mojo being summoned here. Bright colors? Check. Bodycon dresses? Check. Lots of bouncing around and special effects? Check, check.

3. Michael Jackson, circa History:

Now those, ladies and gentlemen, are some shoulder pads. I was fully expecting Gigi to do the pirouette/crotch grab in the middle of her elocution lesson for Sharon. Ah heee hee hee! WOO!

4.  The Beatles, Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band:

Amanda uses this outfit to begin her tyrannical role as musical director. Barking out orders, getting the unruly troops in line...looks like the cast is in for A Hard Day's Night. But as any good director knows, it's a Long and Winding Road to the top.

Sorry, I just can't HELP! myself.

Ahem. Moving on.

5. Prince, circa every day of his life, ever:

Say what you will, but nobody rocks the man blouse like Prince. Amanda? Not so much.

BT-dubs, I am trying so, so hard not to make a Prince pun. Kiss this look goodbye? The Blouse Currently Known As Frumpy? Something about making doves cry?

Right. Onward...

6. Billy Ray Cyrus, The Achy Breaky Heart days:

Business in the front...

Party in the back.

God bless rock and roll.

The Newlyweds:

Blessed be thy man who gets caught looking down Gigi's age-inappropriate, way too low v-neck dress.

Oh yes, dahling. I am wearing one of my old bedspreads. Forgive me Father, but seeing how I have sinned one too many times on it, it only seemed appropriate to turn it into a dress to help me sin some more.

Ladies, this may be the most important piece of advice to ever grace the YKYLF blog, so listen up:

"Dear Heavenly Father up above. How many Hail Marys, Our Fathers, blessings with Holy Water, cups of wine, etc. must I drink to get my boyfriend to buy me one of these?"

Lauren, bless you my dear child. You must drink one cup of wine (maybe two), and wear a dress that the seamstress forgot to finish, thus flaunting your twinsies. He will be putty in your hands, and I will pretend to not have seen.

The Porn Stars:

I think the Good Lord listened to my prayers and allowed Sharon to dress normally for once! I'm actually loving this outfit. It's a perfect stay at home mom get up. And of course she knows the way to Zach's heart is through a big bowl of dog food.

Warning: Somehow watching porn could lead you to want to dress like a safari guide. But at least we've learned that Sharon has another passion besides food, and that she's not actually pining over Pastor Tudor.

The Power Couple:

Does thou fear if they do not wear 78 pounds of gold at all times that thou will be thought poor? Does thou also fear that if they do not make funny faces when asked a question that they will be struck dead?

The couple that dresses together, stays together. The couple that has a huge Jurassic fossil hanging in their office should be avoided. The couple where both members of the party like boys should probably be in therapy and not trying to have a baby.

Girls don't sweat, we glisten. But apparently down in Texas they do things differently. Cricket honey, you don't need to drink the Gulf of Mexico, you need to jump in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Love Birds:

Well we know that Amanda's sex hair isn't actually from sex because 1) her hair always has that "I've got a huge glob of lube stuck in my hair" look, and 2) pre-marital sex is totes against the rules. But I'm pretty sure the Lord would be understanding of seeing Luke shirtless. Where's the skin, ABC?

Bless her, Heavenly Father, for Amanda's roots could do with a touchup. Really bless her Father because she's beginning to dress like a sixty five year old who's still trying to be forty.

Pity the soul who only has one color in her wardrobe and has no idea how to dress her age. Aw heck, what do I know? Look at who she's smooching!

The Sluts:

Every relationship has to deal with them. But how dare hypocritical Carlene criticize Heather for being a slut when Carlene's puppies are out spreading the word of the Lord every gosh darn day.

The Virgins:

And if all else fails, just put on some white, show some skin and fake being holy. Someone up there will save your soul.

Thanks be to the crazy outfits, crazy couples, and beautiful men. Amen.

The Bride most likely to give the Priest a coronary at the Altar due to overexposure:

Carlene, bubby, if a boob pops out in the middle of the woods because your zipper is too low and jumpsuit too tight, and no one is around to see it, did it still happen? I'd say yes, because with those honkers and that bright orange camouflage (isn't that an oxymoron?), there's no way you shall be missed.

Good Christian Belles do not flaunt what the Good Lord gave them in their Sunday best. Good Christian Bitches on the other hand, flaunt it proudly. I mean look at the size of those.... ruffles! Whew! Good God, gonna give momma a heart-a-ttack!

The Lord giveth ostriches, Carlene taketh them away and turn them into a dressing robe that's fit for the most dramatic of prima donnas. Like herself.

 The Matron of Honor most likely to skin you for not properly labeling the food at the buffet table:

Yes, that's right. In Texas, skinning poor little rabbits is a talent worthy of winning the crown. Sharon may have the crazy eyes and a jacket that's got more security than Dick Cheney's secret service, but girl knows how to rock the 'do. There is nothing that can knock a hair out of place on this gal, not even a little leftover rabbit blood. (Seriously, what is wrong with these girls, haven't they ever heard of strip clubs?)

Even when she's madder than spam on a skillet, Sharon puts on the perky and bakes enough muffins to feed all of Texas. And only the greatest Matron of Honor in the world would know which shade of pink her disgruntled bride was wearing, and match in solidarity. Though her sweater doesn't exactly go with her dress it's still pretty cute, and plus she's wearing 23750834 strands of pearls, which as we know is Commandment #1.

Hallelujah, Sharon got her blessed pink umbrella after all. No crazy eyes or slaughter knives here. 

The Bridesmaid most likely to shoot you for not wearing every single accessory you own at all times:

Gold Star Trek choker, gold chains, gold rimmed champagne glass, gold turds earrings. I'm surprised Cricket's teeth aren't gold. Lord knows she could afford a set of gold grills.

If thou wishes to catch a wildebeest for thy best friend's wedding, first douse thyself in the sweet nectar of animal and then wear every different pattern of camo in existence. And don't forget the creme de la creme: animal fur to make thou look more one with thy prey.

The Bridesmaid most likely to bore you to death with her dullness, yet still manage to bang your incredibly hot brother:

Amanda's dress, while pretty, is just blah. I can't tell the difference between her skin and the dress. Might as well be nekkid. Even her hunting outfit is deader n' dead. With all those bags Cricket brought, I'm sure she had some extra deer skin pants and a racoon skin jacket for Amanda.

The Honorary Bridesmaid most likely to steal the show with her beehive:

The best way to stand out in a crowd? Stand next to Amanda. The best way to steal the show? Glide down your super awesome stairway, wearing an outlandish outfit and act like you own the place. Because lets face it, Gigi pretty much does own all of Dallas. 

The Bridal party most likely to pass out from a too tight girdle:

Apparently defying Carlene is much more terrifying than being caught in an ugly southern belle dress with too many frills and overly puffed-up sleeves (handy for storing shotguns).

In the name of the pinafore, the brooch and the bubbies, Amen.

If love can be classified as a wardrobe, then sign me up for Gigi and Burl’s affair. Bright colors, big hair and then there’s Gigi. But seriously. Mama has it going on

Nothing says an impromptu jaunt to Paris like this dazzling purple number.

Just as nothing says super-secret and discreet like a red cape?

Either way, Gigi is nailing it. In more ways than one.

She even managed to make a funeral dress look vibrant and fun. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you bury your life-long love’s obnoxious wife.

But Amanda.

Oh Amanda.

If relationships are wardrobes, then this black and white snore-fest is like a boyfriend who falls asleep immediately after dinner.

First of all, the hair. I get that it’s a contrast to the over-styled, higher-the-hair-the-closer-to-God Texas thing, but come on. Did you bathe in the fryers of Boobylicious?

Maybe that’s why Amanda makes so many faces in this episode - she has clearly upset somebody in the hair and make-up AND wardrobe departments.

I don’t hate this black dress, in fact it’s kind of nice - for a dinner out. Not a funeral. Even in Texas. Also, sidenote, Amanda? Ever hear that thing about first impressions? Yeah, ok so when you immediately bust up your potential BF’s Mercedes and then he emerges pant-less? Maybe it’s time to make a break for it.

But no, we have more drab outfits to get through.

Like this bland white number. I know times are tight, but surely Armadillomart must have something cheap and cheerful so you don’t have to repurpose your pajamas.

At least her hair also looked like she just rolled out of bed.

Moving along. Another date another black and white outfit. Again, I actually think this outfit is kind of cute. But would some color kill you? A splash of pink? A touch of orange? The shoes don’t count. And the hair. STILL THE HAIR.

And then there’s the matter of the white bandage dress. First off, props to Leslie Bibb for being able to pull that off. But back to the real issue here. The dress, the lack of color, the atrocious hair, the driving skills… Luke really must want to seek revenge on Carlene.  I can’t say I blame him….

Finally, we have Sheryl Crow. And. Those. Pants.

Do I really even need to talk about the pants?

Right. I didn't think so.

Let's end on a totally gratuitous shot of Bozeman the lady-killer.

You’re welcome. God bless.

Blessed are those with fabulous statement necklaces, for theirs is the power to artfully accessorize.  Heather's gold neck pieces is especially striking against her mustard dress and who doesn't love Gigi's blinging homage to the big guy upstairs? 

Woe unto those without proper neckwear, for they will be forced to tie a shoelace around their necks.  Really, Uncle Burl?  For a man who's been sailing the seven seas in a yacht, you'd think he'd have a sparkly bolo tie or two. 

Blessed are they who make plaid manly and outdoors, for…well, hello, cowboy. 

Woe unto those whose who favor garish patterns, for they will blind themselves (and everyone else) with their atrocious taste.

Blessed are they who embrace monochrome ensembles, for they are effortlessly classic.  

 
Woe unto those who prefer over-stitched, gaudy denim, for they will walk on the path of tackiness.

 
Blessed are those who make working wear so stylish…

…and woe unto those who wear the Hef’s silk pajamas to the office. 

Woe unto those who cannot stray from florals, for they will resemble outdated upholstery. 

And blessed are those who do not fear their own style, for they shall always have panache and grace.

The Big Guy (or Gal) Upstairs:

Thou shall only receive answers on life's most important questions, such as chili, hot peppers, and cheating husbands, from the savoir clad in red hot chili peppers at the Texas Chili Counsel, aka Texas' one and only God.

Queen of Sheba

As the only female worthy of being the queen of Texas, thou shall wear Laura Ashley inspired bed comforters as dresses and make them look divine. Thou shall also wear necklines plunging to thy knees in attempts to seduce the super hot priest who I'm guessing shan't stay so holy and innocent much longer.

Adam & Eve:

The only time it is holy acceptable to play dress up in the bedroom, is if thou dress like Adam and Eve in nude colored onsies and sparkly leaf loin cloths. Christian-blog tested, Lord approved.

The Serpent

Thou shalt not have success in stealing thy "friends" husband whilst wearing something from Pocohontas' wardrobe. Sharon needeth not worry.

Jezebel

Thou shalt not get caught being promiscuous whilst wed. Thou shall wear 53-pound-over-the-top-I-pulled-this-from-my-daughters-old-dress-up-bin-necklaces as thy punishment for aforementioned sin. 

Leah

If thou spends every waking moment stuffing thy face in a meat closet, whilst wearing an overly patterned tunic, thou shalt never be thy husband's first choice of wife. Instead, thou shall throw away thy ice cream and squash thy husband's washed up dreams and start living out thy glory days pronto.

(You guys, all this Biblical speak is really exhausting. Did people actually talk this way?)

Harlots

Even though they're all "holier than thou", they sure as heck don't act as such. Especially not with Carlene's bosom hanging out left and right, nor with Cricket's "infidelity", nor with Sharon loving food more than her husband. Thus, I pray for their souls. In the name of the leopard, the plaid and the shoulder pads. Amen.

PRIDE

Thou shalt not admire thy teenaged daughters boob job. Seriously. Who does that?!

ENVY

Thou shalt not envy the popular girls. Even if your ArmadilloMart colour blocked dress is totally cute, and you totally don't deserve the "Javelina" label. You're a Fox all the way, honey!

GLUTTONY

Thou shalt not use food as an accessory, particularly if thy cups already runneth over. And was anyone else thinking of how gross it is to slather greasy food on your jiggly bits?

LUST

Thou SHALL stare at this man’s beautiful abs. It’s ok. JC would want you to.

ANGER

Thou shalt not offend the recapper with thy horrible choice of outfits.  Did y’all rob Mr. T on your morning power walk? And those colors. My retinas, they bleed.

GREED

Thou should not let a pig ride shotgun when said pig’s smoked, pickled face looks uncannily like thy own. And again with the cleanliness. They're not going to wrap that thing up? It's just going to get exposed to the dust and dirt? Ok, ok, I'll stop.

SLOTH

Thou shalt not look that pulled together while wallowing in one’s bed.  I wonder if Carleen's lady servant curled her hair while she was sleeping. I could totally see Carleen paying through her reconstructed nose for that level of service.

1. Thou shalt wear pearls with every dress and be fabulous. 

Glamorous grandma Gigi is actually following two commandments. #1 and...

2. You shall bear false animals as chic dresses.

Is this cowhide? Giraffe? Some other sort of exotic animal that Cricket's gay clothes-designing husband created out of unicorn horn and glitter bunnies? No matter, we want it hunted, killed, and made into more dresses, please.

3. Thou shalt embrace statement necklaces.

Everything really is bigger in Texas. Former beauty queen Sharon's appetite for destroying her figure nearly matches her appetite for huge necklaces. That is a necklace, right? I mean, we suppose it could be some sort of really enormous broach. It's so hard to tell with these girls.

4. You shall covet your neighbor's outrageous bling.

CHENO! Carlene puts the Queen B in GCB, and always wears her most fabulous jewels, even when doing some light neighbor stalking. Her momma raised her right.

5. You shall not kill, but you shall wear killer heels.

Also handy when peeping out the windows - sky-high heels. As an added bonus, she's following the "higher the heels, the closer to heaven" chestnut.

Also helping in the height department is commandment #6...

6. Honor the hairstyling trinity. In the name of the rollers, the curling iron, and the hairspray. Amen.

How else can one's hair battle the gruesome Texan heat and humidity? Prayer alone ain't gonna do it, honeychile.

7. Honor thy finely tailored blazers, crisp button-ups, and fitted trousers.

We should mention the men at some point, yes? Overall, their styles were conservative and tasteful. Not a single bolo tie to be seen! It's probably only a matter of time, though.

8. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's tendency towards loud, floral patterns. 

There were a lot, lot, lot of print dresses. Some good. Others not even a little bit. We submit the frocks above as the latter, although we give the ladies snaps on color-coordinating with each other.

9. Remember to keep the Lord's Day holy, and your Sunday Best holier.

Amanda looks a peach when she stands up in church and shames Carlene. If you're going to be a bitch, at least do it while wearing angelic white.

10. Honor thy mother but not her Liberaci pantsuit.

You guys. It's a SEQUINED JUMPSUIT. With BIG RUFFLY FLOWER THINGIES. And a HUGE BELT. And she's wearing it with PEARLS (see: commandment 1). Only in Texas, my friends. Only in Texas.

Bonus commandment!

Thou shalt remember that while Dallas is flashy, it is not Vegas.

We can honestly say we have never lived in a place where such an ensemble would not warrant a double-take. Do such places exist?

Ok, y'all. What did you think of GCB? Should we keep on recappin'?