Nothing says "vow renewal" like big hoop dresses and a scandal the size of Texas. Carlene and Ripp's marriage might not be real? Oh Lord, say it ain't so! Sharon actually standing up for herself? Knives and umbrellas are her weapons of choice. Cricket and Blake trying to have a baby? Sorry, what?! Amanda shacking up with Carlene's hottie brother? Oh yes, honey. Keep it up! This week we're dishing out superlatives that only our GCBs could achieve.
The Bride most likely to give the Priest a coronary at the Altar due to overexposure:
Carlene, bubby, if a boob pops out in the middle of the woods because your zipper is too low and jumpsuit too tight, and no one is around to see it, did it still happen? I'd say yes, because with those honkers and that bright orange camouflage (isn't that an oxymoron?), there's no way you shall be missed.
Good Christian Belles do not flaunt what the Good Lord gave them in their Sunday best. Good Christian Bitches on the other hand, flaunt it proudly. I mean look at the size of those.... ruffles! Whew! Good God, gonna give momma a heart-a-ttack!
The Lord giveth ostriches, Carlene taketh them away and turn them into a dressing robe that's fit for the most dramatic of prima donnas. Like herself.
The Matron of Honor most likely to skin you for not properly labeling the food at the buffet table:
Yes, that's right. In Texas, skinning poor little rabbits is a talent worthy of winning the crown. Sharon may have the crazy eyes and a jacket that's got more security than Dick Cheney's secret service, but girl knows how to rock the 'do. There is nothing that can knock a hair out of place on this gal, not even a little leftover rabbit blood. (Seriously, what is wrong with these girls, haven't they ever heard of strip clubs?)
Even when she's madder than spam on a skillet, Sharon puts on the perky and bakes enough muffins to feed all of Texas. And only the greatest Matron of Honor in the world would know which shade of pink her disgruntled bride was wearing, and match in solidarity. Though her sweater doesn't exactly go with her dress it's still pretty cute, and plus she's wearing 23750834 strands of pearls, which as we know is Commandment #1.
Hallelujah, Sharon got her blessed pink umbrella after all. No crazy eyes or slaughter knives here.
The Bridesmaid most likely to shoot you for not wearing every single accessory you own at all times:
Gold Star Trek choker, gold chains, gold rimmed champagne glass, gold turds earrings. I'm surprised Cricket's teeth aren't gold. Lord knows she could afford a set of gold grills.
If thou wishes to catch a wildebeest for thy best friend's wedding, first douse thyself in the sweet nectar of animal and then wear every different pattern of camo in existence. And don't forget the creme de la creme: animal fur to make thou look more one with thy prey.
The Bridesmaid most likely to bore you to death with her dullness, yet still manage to bang your incredibly hot brother:
Amanda's dress, while pretty, is just blah. I can't tell the difference between her skin and the dress. Might as well be nekkid. Even her hunting outfit is deader n' dead. With all those bags Cricket brought, I'm sure she had some extra deer skin pants and a racoon skin jacket for Amanda.
The Honorary Bridesmaid most likely to steal the show with her beehive:
The best way to stand out in a crowd? Stand next to Amanda. The best way to steal the show? Glide down your super awesome stairway, wearing an outlandish outfit and act like you own the place. Because lets face it, Gigi pretty much does own all of Dallas.
The Bridal party most likely to pass out from a too tight girdle:
Apparently defying Carlene is much more terrifying than being caught in an ugly southern belle dress with too many frills and overly puffed-up sleeves (handy for storing shotguns).
In the name of the pinafore, the brooch and the bubbies, Amen.