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Wednesday
May092012

Revelation - Book of Revelations

What do you get when you cross Sandra Bernhard, a sketch-ball place in Mexico, a number of revelations so BIG they blow your mind, and not even one swoon worthy article of clothing? The season finale of GCB. Let's take a look below to see what happened down in Texas this week.

 

Revelation #1: Pastor Tudor hearts Amanda

I mean, duh! I knew this butt-kicking, goody-two-shoes, hunka-hunka burning altar candle, Lord approved, Ken doll wasn't going to stay so pure for long. And it makes sense that Pastor Tudor would fall for Amanda in her angelic white (and beige), I mean she wears it every single gosh darn day of the week! And who could blame Amanda for being completely swept up in the moment when Pastor Tudor has such perfect lips and perfect hair...

 

Revelation #2: Luke loves Amanda

And I LOVE Cricket's shoes. If thou must take over the world, walk through the desert, or cheat on thy incredibly hot gay husband on an equally hot stallion, then thou MUST wear only the shoe birthed from the serpent thyself.

 

Revelation #3: Gasp! Someone's discovered Cricket and Blake's big secret!

Was it Cricket flashing her ginormous...bling...in front of Mason's face that tipped him off? I mean, there's plenty of room on her cleavage to display her worldly goods.

 

Revelation #4: It's the end of the world as we know it.

Could it be true? Does this sexy plaid wearing man actually have an illegitimate child? Let us pray. Dear Lord, please help Carlene in her time of need. Not only is she wearing a hideous orange dress that makes her look like an oompa loompa, and enough crosses to save her from the devil (please take note of her cross bracelet), but her annoying whiney voice and lenghty prayer sessions don't seem to be enough to keep her husband's snake in his pants. Amen.

 

Revelation #5: Sharon's good for more than her wittiness, she's a super successful business woman to boot!

If thou wants to be most successful in Texas, one must first sell thy company to Cricket, next walk around with a bluetooth and buy a chinchilla coat, dye it blue, attach it to a sheer "robe" and wear it like the Queen thou thinks thy are. Not only does this approach make Sharon look like she has more money than all of Texas, but, you know, it's also really cold down there in the south.

 

Revelation #6: Beauty cream from Mexico really does work wonders.

Would you look at that! It can even make Heather and Gigi look the same age! From the face, to the hair, to the rockin' bod, I'm seriously confused as to which one of these gals is supposed to be Amanda's mom and which her friend. Unfortunately for Gigi though, her tie-dyed bedazzled dress misses the mark this week. And do not even get me started on those offensive boots. Gigi, I'd pray for you if I could hear myself think through the loudness of your dress.

But hey, sometimes you want your clothes to get noticed before you walk in the door. For those times, here's a handy-dandy shopping guide. If online shopping's not your thing, use your $95,000 credit at Neiman Marcus.

   

 

All I have to say is: Dear Lord, please let there be a second season with our hilarious Southern Belles. I'm hooked on this show. From the snappy one liners, to the beautiful eye candy, to the ridiculous plots and even more ridiculous outfits, GCB gets an A from me!

What did you guys think of the first season? Will you be watching if they get picked up for a second?

Wednesday
May022012

Adam & Eve's Rib - Barbie Q

I got my baby back, baby back, baby back Chili’s baaaaby back ribs--no, just me?  Well, I’m sure that’s changed now. Moving along - it’s time for the annual Dallas Interfaith Barbecue Invitational and with a number of churches, and one often noted synagogue, lined up to fight the good fight, it wasn’t long before the battle moved from the front lines to home base. Drowning in pre-packaged meals, Sharon tried to keep their finances afloat while Zach found his inner Oprah and donated a car as the BBQ grand prize. Carlene mounted a chair and went head to head with Ripp over her grossly misguided "Condos for Christian Living" project, while Cricket played matchmaker for her horse, but found a stud of her own. And desperate to show her daughter that she can smoke all the meat her heart desires, Amanda rebelled against the Old Boys Club and formed her own BBQ team. Oh, and Heather picked herself up a butcher because, let’s face it — it’s always all about the meat.  

 

Smokin’ to Smoked
Amanda’s wardrobe usually leaves me less than underwhelmed so I was pleasantly surprised to see her trade all the black and white for this deep green shift dress.  The snakeskin clutch is a trendy, adult addition but the bow belt softens the look and lends some femininity. 

Unfortunately, that all that went up in flames and we were left with outfits as blah as barbeque not from Texas. Or Kansas City. Or North Carolina. Or...ok, you get the point.

 

Awesome Sauce
Cricket can do no wrong in my book; she is just constantly smothered in good taste the way ribs should be smothered in BBQ sauce.  She is absolutely spot on in this deep eggplant purple wrap dress and the silver detail at the waist cinches in all that fabric to create a flattering cut.  And all her statement silver pieces?  Just like her -- bold and a bit brassy.  Love!   

 

If I were at the Dallas Interfaith Barbecue Invitational, I’d be in jeans and two bibs.  All that sauce, you know.  But not our Cricket.  Her bib’s a gold bib necklace atop a full-skirted illusion dress.  The fullness of the skirt adds some unnecessary width to her hips, but that’s the only beef I have with this look.  Oh, and yes, pun most definitely intended.  

 

Eva Longoria v2 can’t go wrong in this bright saffron yellow Victoria Beckham dress.  The color is so complimentary and the fit is beyond body con.  The panel detail and the strong cap-sleeve add enough contrast and structure to the dress to save her from looking like a bottle of French’s yellow mustard.  And the best part?  VB’s signature full-length zipper along the back.  

 

It’s All About the Wood
At least, that’s what Amanda’s dad said.  About the barbecue, mind you.  I’m just really enjoying how well they mix and match colors and patterns here.  But as much as we can appreciate men in good suits... 

 

...it’s kind of hard to top men who cook.  In cowboy hats.  With kitschy aprons.    

Yee-haw indeed.

 

Fixins’
You can’t have a complete BBQ experience without your sides--the mac and cheese, the cornbread, the potatoes, the biscuits. It's just like (I’m pretty sure you know where I’m going with this) you can’t have a complete outfit without your accessories.  Or mac and cheese.  No?  Just me again, then, huh?  

If anyone knows her side dishes, it’s Gigi.  As if her sweater isn’t enough bling for the early side of noon, she’s a veritable buffet of all that is sparkly.  And on a midnight expedition through the Carruth-Riley thickets to steal some pecan tree wood, why would you need a flashlight when you have a sparkly spider brook the size of your fist and glittery earrings the size of baby-back ribs?  That snakeskin purse, however, we can do without.  It looks like it was a free gift with purchase with Amanda’s clutch.     

 

I’m not one hundred percent sure what sort of catastrophe landed on Sharon’s usually vivaciously swathed form or what exactly has befallen her immaculately coiffed Farrah flyaways, but it’s not really that great.  A bit mumsy for someone whose personality is anything but that.  What I can get on board with, though (and only because everything has to be bigger in Texas) are the egg-sized pearls that are swinging about her neck and lobes.  That mousey handbag, though, has got to go.  

Her outfit might have been a big fail, but Sharon’s BBQ sauce sure was a hit since Spicy Racks took home the grand prize.  And in a stunning turn of events, May is allegedly National Barbecue Month.  Well, whaddaya know!  And want to know something else?  The gals head down to Mexico next week and check this out — May is also rumored to be National Salsa Month!  Will wonders ever cease?   

Wednesday
Apr182012

GCB: Pride Comes Before a Fall - A Musical Tribute

It was only a matter of time before the dreaded Musical Episode reared its ugly head. And just like the old saying goes, everything is bigger in Texas. We had wires! lights! shattered glass!, gratiutious Cheno Notes, and grown women literally slinging mud over the lead role. We also finally got a glimpse of "high school" Amanda (maybe that’s why her hair was so schoolmarm-y this episode?) and the GCBs claimed their revenge all these years later. I'm sure it's just how your church musical goes down.

 

What with all the music being flung around this episode, it was so very appropriate that we had several looks inspired by iconic moments in music. Observe:

1. Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One More Time":

It’s too bad there wasn’t a clearer shot of this outfit, or at least a more up close one. It’s totally channeling that whole schoolgirl shtick. You know, B. Spears before the shaved head.

 

2. The Spice Girls...kind of:

Ok, so this one is a bit of a stretch, but there is definitely some 90s girl group mojo being summoned here. Bright colors? Check. Bodycon dresses? Check. Lots of bouncing around and special effects? Check, check.

 

3. Michael Jackson, circa History:

Now those, ladies and gentlemen, are some shoulder pads. I was fully expecting Gigi to do the pirouette/crotch grab in the middle of her elocution lesson for Sharon. Ah heee hee hee! WOO!

 

4.  The Beatles, Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band:

Amanda uses this outfit to begin her tyrannical role as musical director. Barking out orders, getting the unruly troops in line...looks like the cast is in for A Hard Day's Night. But as any good director knows, it's a Long and Winding Road to the top.

Sorry, I just can't HELP! myself.

Ahem. Moving on.

 

5. Prince, circa every day of his life, ever:

Say what you will, but nobody rocks the man blouse like Prince. Amanda? Not so much.

BT-dubs, I am trying so, so hard not to make a Prince pun. Kiss this look goodbye? The Blouse Currently Known As Frumpy? Something about making doves cry?

Right. Onward...

 

6. Billy Ray Cyrus, The Achy Breaky Heart days:

Business in the front...

 

Party in the back.

God bless rock and roll.

Thursday
Apr122012

GCB: Sex is Divine - Two is Better Than One

I sure hope no boys watched this episode, because after seeing the size of Gigi's engagement ring, every girl in America is going to be wantin' one of those suckers! Don't let anyone tell you they don't do things bigger in Texas! It doesn't really matter what else happened this episode, after seeing that I kind of lost focus. The theme for this week was sex (holla!), and relationships.

 

The Newlyweds:

Blessed be thy man who gets caught looking down Gigi's age-inappropriate, way too low v-neck dress.

 

Oh yes, dahling. I am wearing one of my old bedspreads. Forgive me Father, but seeing how I have sinned one too many times on it, it only seemed appropriate to turn it into a dress to help me sin some more.

 

Ladies, this may be the most important piece of advice to ever grace the YKYLF blog, so listen up:

"Dear Heavenly Father up above. How many Hail Marys, Our Fathers, blessings with Holy Water, cups of wine, etc. must I drink to get my boyfriend to buy me one of these?"

 

Lauren, bless you my dear child. You must drink one cup of wine (maybe two), and wear a dress that the seamstress forgot to finish, thus flaunting your twinsies. He will be putty in your hands, and I will pretend to not have seen.

 

The Porn Stars:

I think the Good Lord listened to my prayers and allowed Sharon to dress normally for once! I'm actually loving this outfit. It's a perfect stay at home mom get up. And of course she knows the way to Zach's heart is through a big bowl of dog food.

 

Warning: Somehow watching porn could lead you to want to dress like a safari guide. But at least we've learned that Sharon has another passion besides food, and that she's not actually pining over Pastor Tudor.

 

The Power Couple:

Does thou fear if they do not wear 78 pounds of gold at all times that thou will be thought poor? Does thou also fear that if they do not make funny faces when asked a question that they will be struck dead?

 

The couple that dresses together, stays together. The couple that has a huge Jurassic fossil hanging in their office should be avoided. The couple where both members of the party like boys should probably be in therapy and not trying to have a baby.

 

Girls don't sweat, we glisten. But apparently down in Texas they do things differently. Cricket honey, you don't need to drink the Gulf of Mexico, you need to jump in the Gulf of Mexico.

 

The Love Birds:

Well we know that Amanda's sex hair isn't actually from sex because 1) her hair always has that "I've got a huge glob of lube stuck in my hair" look, and 2) pre-marital sex is totes against the rules. But I'm pretty sure the Lord would be understanding of seeing Luke shirtless. Where's the skin, ABC?

 

Bless her, Heavenly Father, for Amanda's roots could do with a touchup. Really bless her Father because she's beginning to dress like a sixty five year old who's still trying to be forty.

 

Pity the soul who only has one color in her wardrobe and has no idea how to dress her age. Aw heck, what do I know? Look at who she's smooching!

 

The Sluts:

Every relationship has to deal with them. But how dare hypocritical Carlene criticize Heather for being a slut when Carlene's puppies are out spreading the word of the Lord every gosh darn day.

 

The Virgins:

And if all else fails, just put on some white, show some skin and fake being holy. Someone up there will save your soul.

 

Thanks be to the crazy outfits, crazy couples, and beautiful men. Amen.

Wednesday
Apr112012

GCB: Turn The Other Cheek - Superlatives

Nothing says "vow renewal" like big hoop dresses and a scandal the size of Texas. Carlene and Ripp's marriage might not be real? Oh Lord, say it ain't so! Sharon actually standing up for herself? Knives and umbrellas are her weapons of choice. Cricket and Blake trying to have a baby? Sorry, what?! Amanda shacking up with Carlene's hottie brother? Oh yes, honey. Keep it up! This week we're dishing out superlatives that only our GCBs could achieve.

 

The Bride most likely to give the Priest a coronary at the Altar due to overexposure:

Carlene, bubby, if a boob pops out in the middle of the woods because your zipper is too low and jumpsuit too tight, and no one is around to see it, did it still happen? I'd say yes, because with those honkers and that bright orange camouflage (isn't that an oxymoron?), there's no way you shall be missed.

 

Good Christian Belles do not flaunt what the Good Lord gave them in their Sunday best. Good Christian Bitches on the other hand, flaunt it proudly. I mean look at the size of those.... ruffles! Whew! Good God, gonna give momma a heart-a-ttack!

 

The Lord giveth ostriches, Carlene taketh them away and turn them into a dressing robe that's fit for the most dramatic of prima donnas. Like herself.

 

 The Matron of Honor most likely to skin you for not properly labeling the food at the buffet table:

Yes, that's right. In Texas, skinning poor little rabbits is a talent worthy of winning the crown. Sharon may have the crazy eyes and a jacket that's got more security than Dick Cheney's secret service, but girl knows how to rock the 'do. There is nothing that can knock a hair out of place on this gal, not even a little leftover rabbit blood. (Seriously, what is wrong with these girls, haven't they ever heard of strip clubs?)

 

Even when she's madder than spam on a skillet, Sharon puts on the perky and bakes enough muffins to feed all of Texas. And only the greatest Matron of Honor in the world would know which shade of pink her disgruntled bride was wearing, and match in solidarity. Though her sweater doesn't exactly go with her dress it's still pretty cute, and plus she's wearing 23750834 strands of pearls, which as we know is Commandment #1.

 

Hallelujah, Sharon got her blessed pink umbrella after all. No crazy eyes or slaughter knives here. 

 

The Bridesmaid most likely to shoot you for not wearing every single accessory you own at all times:

 

Gold Star Trek choker, gold chains, gold rimmed champagne glass, gold turds earrings. I'm surprised Cricket's teeth aren't gold. Lord knows she could afford a set of gold grills.

 

If thou wishes to catch a wildebeest for thy best friend's wedding, first douse thyself in the sweet nectar of animal and then wear every different pattern of camo in existence. And don't forget the creme de la creme: animal fur to make thou look more one with thy prey.

 

The Bridesmaid most likely to bore you to death with her dullness, yet still manage to bang your incredibly hot brother:

Amanda's dress, while pretty, is just blah. I can't tell the difference between her skin and the dress. Might as well be nekkid. Even her hunting outfit is deader n' dead. With all those bags Cricket brought, I'm sure she had some extra deer skin pants and a racoon skin jacket for Amanda.

 

The Honorary Bridesmaid most likely to steal the show with her beehive:

The best way to stand out in a crowd? Stand next to Amanda. The best way to steal the show? Glide down your super awesome stairway, wearing an outlandish outfit and act like you own the place. Because lets face it, Gigi pretty much does own all of Dallas. 

 

The Bridal party most likely to pass out from a too tight girdle:

Apparently defying Carlene is much more terrifying than being caught in an ugly southern belle dress with too many frills and overly puffed-up sleeves (handy for storing shotguns).

In the name of the pinafore, the brooch and the bubbies, Amen.