Apartment 23: Love and Monsters

It was a Halloween party in Apartment 23's building this week. Well, actually several Halloween parties, as we took a trip through Halloweens past. Dickens would be so proud. The best part of this time warp (*cuepelvicthrusts) was Chloe's costume smorgasbord! On a less awesome note, we discover that Chloe likes to play a horrible Halloween trick on an unsuspecting person each year, and that James is scared of Halloween. Meanwhile, the only thing about June that didn't disappoint was her hair - the parade of boring clothes continued, she dressed as a Lady Hobbit for James' Halloween party, and she completely snubbed a cute firefighter. Good job making the most of your first single Halloween in 40 years!

Ok, first can we PLEASE talk about this week's montage of Cute Chloe Costumes? Girlfriend straight-up cements her b**ch status and looks chic in anything.

First we have, a flapper:

Then a fabulous parrot (which, at first, made me think of this guy):

A very Mad-Men-esque flight attendant:

Topped off with this year's costume - Sexy Bus Driver. I take the bus every day and I can definitively say that sentence is an oxymoron.

I especially covet the fingerless gloves and studded bracelet, although I have no idea what those have to do with driving a bus. The girl could dress as a Sasquatch and still look simultaneously cool and hot (no mean feat, I assure you).

Alas, she did not spend the entire episode in costumes - she also wore regular clothes. And when I say "regular" I mean regular for her (i.e. someone with legs for days and zero love handles). Observe the chic leather and suede black jacket at the movie theatre:

I know C - I was just as shocked to see you wearing such an electric colour. But don't worry, it looks great on you!

Then she goes back to her tried-and-true body-con dress, this one in a fun red and black print:

And what's this?! A new accessory - my isn't it cute (they sure make 'em charmant in Australia):

Chloe dons the same beautiful burgundy, but with a more casual twist, perfect for a morning-after-Halloween stroll down the block. With a bumblebee (natch).

I hope she doesn't have a balled up pair of panties in that chain-link purse because I want to borrow it!

As for you Junebug, that teal dress above looks like the same one you wore for Dawson's funeral last week. I'll let the boring repeat slide because it's a nice colour, I'm pretty sure you make minimum wage, and I'm all for reimagining pieces. Still, your clothes can't help but look a bit tired next to Chloe's modern-goth garb. I mean, look at this top:

This reminds me of a peanut-butter cup. Wait...all of a sudden I kind of love it. Where's that leftover Halloween candy?

However, I do have to agree with L-A's recap last week and say that your hair always looks gorg. Be honest, you are one of those Marsha Brady types who brush each side of their head exactly 100 times every.single.night, aren't you? Whatever you do, I wanna know what it is STAT so that I can start copying. Check out this cute little bun with leopard headband:

This is clearly a "too lazy to wash or style my hair so I just threw it up on top of my head" style, but it sure as hell looks better than my lazy day bun!

But here, as a Lady Hobbit, she seems to have wandered into some dangerous lands.

Forget Modor, Bad Wedding Updo Territory is the truely terrifying place!

She finally comes to her senses and tries to track down her would-be firefighting husband in a smooth 'do and red trenchcoat. One might even call it "fire-engine red".

Oh, boys?! Anyone hooooome? I'm on FIRE!

The girls wore so many mentionable outfits, I have no time left for James! However, you're not missing much. Well, nothing except this:

James, honey...is that a dress? Pretty sure I saw Karen Lynn Gorney wear it in Saturday Night Fever. This is not a flattering look on anyone. You should give it to Chloe once Halloween is all over. I'm sure she'd look great in it. B**ch. 

Apartment 23: A Reunion

The Odd Couple is back for a new season and they address the question we've all be asking for years, or at least since the TomKat split: when the hell are we going to get a Dawson's Creek reunion? Apparently the answer is "never" and it's for the best. (Although, this was a lost opportunity to make a Tom/Katie divorce joke.) We also learn the truth that June's autumnal wardrobe is fit for the pit and that James van der Beek's letters from the cast are really just ploys by Chloe to get whatever she wants. Like tranq guns. We also learn that celebrities in this universe are sad/hilarious shells of their former selves. 

June, honey, Chloe kind of did our job for us this week when she said your sweater looked like a pumpkin mated with a turd.

I'm not sure we'd hire Chloe for lines like that - we'd hire her because she'd make office parties way more fun. But she's right about the sweater. It's kind of awful on you. Which is too bad, because the teal shirt on underneath is so very much your colour. You work that colour well, as we see in your other outfits. 

See, look at you working the teal.

But this? 

And this? 

These are not okay sweaters. Not even if you are trying to channel Joey Potter in honour of her divorce and the 10th anniversary of the Dawson's Creek finale. (B-T-Dubs - your hair still looks great at all times, though). 

Another life tip: when you're out narrating your thoughts at night, it looks like you might be on the set of Pretty Little Liars. And that is not a crossover opportunity you want to be a part of. 

Folks straight-up DIE on PLL. And we don't want that to happen to you or Chloe or James van der Beek. I mean, just look at Chloe and her fabulous modern day Holly Golightly (but with less baggage) self! 

I like to think my Friday drinking alone with a glass of wine outfits are just like that. And technically they are. Leggings and all...except she manages to make it look fantastic instead of schlubby. 

Carrying on with the Holly Golightly (but with significantly less baggage and far more snark), Chloe pulls a Tavi and kills it front row of a fashion show with the biggest hat you've ever seen. So sorry (notsorry) people behind her!  

It's too bad for fake Anna Wintour that James van der Beek has some kind of magical pull to get her kicked out of a front row. 

Save Anna!

Back to the most fantastically dressed TV lady in ages. THIS is how you deal with a pesky roommate who wants a Dawson's Creek reunion:

Hells yes. Everything about that, right down to the tranq gun, is fantastic. 

#recordscratch. Chloe dear, I usually approve of all of your outfits, no matter how wacky, but this face you're making? 

It's kind of how I'm feeling about your outfit. I'm on board with the distressed leggings (I mean, not in my own life, but then, this is an Apt23 recap and not "What Lesley-Anne Wore") and even the peek-a-boo bra (again, for you) but I'm fairly certain you boworred that two-sweet square neck tee from June. And you should not be borrowing things from June.

Ah, this is better! Big ups for the blazer and crazystripe dress.

Plus matching your suede fuschia booties to your drink is a varsity-level move. Snaps.

Chloe didn't do all the heavy lifting this episode, though. Can we get more Busy Philips as sad, hungry Busy Philips up in here? 

Between being hilarious and the awesome print on this covetable dress, I want her to be a regular on the show. I don't care about Cougartown. She's found her calling playing herself.

Yeah, I still want this dress. It's adorbs and kind of hipster adjacent, which is totally my jam.

James on the other hand, well, he was kind of meh all episode. 

I will say that if you're going to do black jackets with a grey tee, that is how you do it. Dudes of the world should take note that a t-shirt is not just a t-shirt - you need to make sure they're fitted just right. 

And bonus if your friend makes you a meta power point presentation. That really is the best accessory. 

I also super approve of his leather jacket for deep thoughts with narration. 

It's no wonder the dudes from Grindr want to Arrigato heyyyy you at the grocery store. 

But James, you really do need to listen Mark Paul Gosselaar, even if he is dressed like a new-age-ish guru. Nothing good can come of that reunion show.

Which is why a stylish funeral for Dawson's Creek in Central Park is the way to go. I am 95% on board with these outfits. Luther looks dapper, Chloe's leather dress is the bomb, as is that belt, and once again, June looks great in teal.

But here's the 5% I don't like - June's dress borders on Sunday school picnic. Not with this zipper and maybe only because she's next to Chloe. And as for Chloe, I'm not really digging the fascinator. 

Of course, an explosion makes all of their outfits look incredibly badass. 

I can only hope June's autumnal sweaters were on that funeral pyre.

Shitagi Nashi: Tall Slut No Panties

In the season finale of Apt 23, June, who grew up as a high school nerd, finally gets to party with The Cool Kids (a.k.a. Chloe's crowd). Unfortunately, she realizes that the only thing she has in common with Chloe is booze, which doesn't really help when she gets alcohol poisoning and has to have her stomach pumped (yikes). Chloe finally shows some vulnerability when 1) we discover she has a strong fear of losing relevance as the It Girl and 2) we discover that she NEVER WEARS UNDERWEAR. Though, if these are the ways to get a graphic novel based on you, who am I to judge?

We open with a flashback of a super nerdy June in high school. Like, OF COURSE, she was the school mascot. And, OF COURSE, she had head gear. And, OF COURSE, her hair was crimped and all over the place. This is actually the first time I'm not jelly of June's hair:

I still love that fact that the color of her hair matches the color of her woodchuck costume.

She's come so far since then. Here she is looking hot/cute/sexy in this red dress (and her, per usual, perfect hair):

More ginette_ny...

Love all the gold accents!

She is now part of the "in-crowd" and meets Chloe for drinks, who looks super fab in curls and a glittery black dress.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of work to keep up with Chloe:

I always thought "alcohol poisoning" was one of those things that you couldn't make fun of. Like 9/11 and Katrina. But they really pulled it off in this episode:

Sure, June looks pathetic in her wheelchair and puke covered hair, but she still looks so darn cute. If I ever get alcohol poisoning, please God let me be wearing a sexy red dress and gold heels.

Chloe and James wait at the hospital, both looking perfect for June stomach pumping. James wears a black velvet blazer and a maroon henley while Chloe dresses day-to-night ready... as always. I love this outfit! Sure, her skirt is a littttttle too short for a hospital and her boots are allllllmost hooker boots, but she just looks like she's having so much fun. And that's not easy to pull off in a hospital waiting room. And she's wearing BLUE. Not black or navy or a dark, dark, blue that is basically black. BRIGHT, COBALT BLUE.

More Frye...

June, adamant to get back into Chloe's circle, researches her limitations for drinking after getting alcohol poisoning. I don't know how or why, but that laptop skin really brings her otherwise incredibly boring outfit together.

Does June just have a bunch of Old Navy button-downs in different colors that she rotates?

SO OVER IT, JUNE... I know what you're trying to do with that taupe Marc by Marc Jacobs bag. But even Marc can't save this look.

...But these boots can:

I love these! They're "big-city" enough for the city but "small-town" enough for June.

June discovers that there is a graphic novel collection based on Chloe called Shitagi Nashi or "Tall Slut No Panties." She confronts Chloe about it who pretends like she doesn't care.

"What? Seriously, I don't."

This is a pretty typical Chloe outfit (black blazer, black top, red heels). And didn't JBVD wear this same v-neck-vest-blazer combo last week? Come on, guys, step it up. Just because you're an ABC comedy doesn't mean you can slack off in the fashion department.

Chloe also pretends she doesn't care June can't drink, and takes her "bowling"... as in "doesn't-take-her-bowling-but-takes-her-to-a-bar-instead":

I love June's bowling outfit. I mean, as much as I love her pink bathrobe.

And... as much as I love her running outfit:

I don't know if any of these outfits would actually be that cute if she weren't cute. But I love the purple top and matching running shoes. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mark's yoga pants. #waitwhat

Back at The Creek, James gets first pick of his Dancing with the Stars dressing room. Unfortunately, Luther picks the room that is six inches smaller than guest star, Dean Cain's.

Sigh. Must be nice to have such a "1% Problem."

Can we take a mo' to look at Luther's outfit? A green/purple floral/paisley/tie dye button down with a gray vest, black panel down the middle, and polka dot back. I don't even-- I don't-- #waitwhat

James almost fires Luther for his dressing room mistake. Fortunately, Luther steps up his fashion game in this red velvet blazer and sun print button-down:

At a bar, June meets Patrick Kelly, the creator of Shitagi Nashi, and convinces him to stop following Chloe around like a pathetic loser. As June scolds him, she realizes that she does the exact same thing (i.e. following Chloe aound).

In response, Patrick makes a new graphic novel called, "Strong Bowling Girl Who Talks A Lot." That pisses Chloe off, who looks amazing in her casual updo and semi-conservative (for her) silver hoops.

I don't know how she does it. She can pull off ANYTHING.

Except this:

I don't know WHAT is the deal with this outfit. Like, I get it, Chloe, I get it. You're trying to mix darks, sparklies and glitteries. But it is not working here. Not even for you.

No wonder Patrick changed muses.

This also might have been another reason:

Do you think there's someone on set just setting strands of her hair into perfect places?

JBVD interrupts the fight in a black biker jacket and a gray v-neck. He explains to June that because of Chloe's It Girl status, the graphic novels are a way for her to keep from becoming obscure.

Why is it that he always has the "end-of-a-90s-television-episode-moral-lesson" insight in this show?

Realizing that she made a huge mistake, June makes her own graphic novel of Chloe in this bright, green sweater:

Chloe can't contain her excitement and removes the only colorful thing in her entire outfit:

#waitwhat

Now free of panties and obscurity, Chloe is back to being herself, a.k.a. The B**** in Apartment 23, a.k.a. Tall Slut No Panties. Since episode one, June and Chloe have grown to be real friends, and Chloe doesn't seem to be as horrible as she was before.

Though, she still likes to show off her cooch:

I guess some things never change. Shitagi Nashi, everyone!!!

It's Just Sex: Spring Cleaning Gets Dirty

This week, the most expressive faces in the best decorated apartment ever teach each other a Very Special Lesson about casual sex. Chloe encourages June to hook up with a hot customer, while June's influence rubs off on Chloe, who comes to see that sex sometimes involves feelings. Lest you think it was a serious episode at all, the main plot is that June accidentally sells Chloe & The Beek's sex tape to her Korean minister, who uses the money to pimp out her office with, among other things, a rotisserie grill.

June starts the episode in her spring cleaning outfit, including a pair of rubber gloves that surely came from the same store at her pink bathrobe:

Even in the midst of this horrendous cleaning ensemble, she manages to have perfect waves. Did she do that flat iron hair curling trick from Pinterest?

And FYI - June's Mom is wearing the same gloves, do-rag, and chambray shirt:

We learn about June's secret crush on a customer she knows only as Soy Latte Guy - a hottie with the tendency to buy shirts that are a bit too short in the torso.

Personally, I'm not much for men's lower torsos, but clearly, this is June's thing.

Only June would make sure to have perfect hair, perfect makeup, and a perfectly folded bath pillow to play her lady harp (tm Chloe).

Chloe plays fairy godmother, encouraging June to hit up Soy Latte Guy for some casual sex. June's not sure if she's got it in her... until he shows up in another too-short tee and she's overcome with lust at his exposed lower abdominals:

Really? Lower abdominals, June?

She's going to change for her booty call later that night, but Chloe insists that June wear the same thing she wore all day - to ensure this will be casual casual sex. Luckily, June was already wearing this adorableness:

The lace trim bumps this striped cardigan up from adorbs to full-on ADORBSALICIOUS. The lace trim on the cami is perhaps a little matchy-matchy, but June is nothing if not perfectly coordinated at all times. What outerwear does one wear with this weet outfit? Oh, only THE CUTEST COAT OF ALL TIME EVER:

More Forever 21...

The sunshiney colour! The way it flares out at the waist! The slight padding in the shoulders! BEST. EVER. If I owned this coat? I would wear it every day, even in the summer.

Post-successful-casual-sex, June rocks the morning after with this cute (if bland) button-up and a bouncy ponytail:

Seriously, what is the secret to her amazing hair? How is it always so perfectly curled? Does she wake up 5 hours early to get this look? (You know what, she actually might. Girlfriend is nothing if not organized)

She sticks to the same colour palette with this burgundy cardigan and floral cardi for her second "date" with Soy Latte Guy:

Unfortch, all this cuteness is wasted as it turns out that he only texted her for comfort, since his parrot has run (flown?) away.

However, can we pause for a moment to appreciate June and Chloe's decor?

ZOMG. The colourful handbags on hooks just inside the door? The wall sticker? The mismatched lampshade? The gigantic pop art? Apartment 23 is officially my dream home, and not just so I can borrow Chloe's bathrobes.

Speaking of Chloe's bathrobes! 

Love this art deco print. I also love her collection of martini shakers. Do they need a third roommate?

Chloe's channeling a full-on Holly Golightly look as she cheerily announces her trip to Paris. The red body-con dress? The black opera gloves? The leopard print hat box?

Love the neckline on this, too. Queen V from Revenge (!!!) could learn a thing or two from Chloe as to the proper deployment of a skintight dress.

Chloe always knows how to make a grand entrance (and exit). Here she is upon her return from Versailles:

"Bonjour! It is moi, the best roommate/con artist/bestie to ever appear on network TV!"

The fascinator? J'adore.

Despite having outfits fit to entertain heads of state, Chloe also has some frugal habits - such as using a clothes iron, rather than a flat iron, to do her hair:

I can't decide if this is a regular habit of hers, or if she had a sudden post-sex realization that clothes irons can work on hair. Although, we learned this week that post-sex, Chloe makes intelligent realizations ("Lost was in Purgatory!"), not this sort of cray-cray DIY.

Though you can't argue with the results: girl's hair looks cute.

Her teal-on-teal printed dress is fine - not quite up to the standards of the b**** who started the episode in opera gloves, however. Her coat is also meh - but don't despair! Chloe's about to knock it out of the part in 3... 2... 1...

BAM! Blue leopard print coat!

Nobody else could pull this off like her. I also admire her dedication to the look - she couldn't help but shoplift a matching travel mug from June's coffeeshop.

And now, it's time to meet Chloe: Bond Villain.

And can we take another moment to appreciate the decor? I know this isn't You Know You Love Home Decorating, but... seriously. I suspect she had this nook designed specifically so she could sit here for moments like this.

And check out her ensemble:

Yet another oh-so-snug minidress, this time in a blue jewel tone. Those shoes are also super ferosh - she must be like 10 feet tall with those on.

Her final look is a bit too Samantha Jones for my liking, but the earrings add a touch of hipster whimsy:

And it's a nice shade of purple? I guess? I'm just not a fan of gigantic shoulderpads.

And now on to the man candy. JVDB stole the show, as per usual, this time as we learned about his secret mentor - June's Mom! 

Interestingly, June's boytoy also wore an unbuttoned henley this week:

Too bad about the whole "codependent relationship with his dead grandfather's parrot" thing.

The Beek stepped it up for his walking lunch with Chloe in this twist on a three-piece suit. Somehow, he manages to pull off a vest without looking too Schue-y.

As others have said before me, I'm totally Pacey all the way, but The Beek has 100% won me over with his performance on this show. It's like, once he cut off all that floppy bleached Dawson hair, the awesome was unleashed!

And OK, we've been starved for gratuitous male shirtlessness what with Pretty Little Liars AND The Lying Game both on hiatus, so here are some pics of Soy Latte Guy in all his glory.

Arms:

Pecs:

The full torso:

... and OK, for June, here's the lower abdominal region:

You're welcome.

(PS - did you borrow that headband from the GG minion you played? Because that really isn't going to help you find future casual sex partners. xo YKYLF)

Making Rent: That's My Jam

This week in #23, June proves her Gen-Y resourcefulness by coming up with a creative, DIY way to help pay her half of the rent. Chloe decides to help and...well, we know by now what happens when Chloe decides to help with things, right? Um, yeah. June also gets in touch with her Korean roots (or was that Christian?). Meanwhile, James decides to become a...double-threat by starting his own line of jeans; jeans that are so snug I am pretty sure half his sperm may now be dead. Cheeks in a beek, indeed! Also? We are starting to learn more and more about the supporting characters (Robin, Luther, Eli, Mark) and they are even weirder than originally thought, yet also more normal. Fake people are funny that way, huh? 

June decides to start making jam and selling it to cover her half of the rent. Good idea June, however it looks like you live in a $3,000 a month apartment. Methinks you will need to sell A LOT of jam to make it worth your while. Still, you gotta admire the girl's spunk. I wouldn't say I admire her outfit though:

Yeah, it's a little sad isn't, June? Ok, so yellow is my fav colour and I do love me a stripe but this is just a little boring. Not a bad sweater, but not great either. Although, I guess Junebug can be forgiven a bit for having a bit of a sorry wardrobe since she makes like minimum wage and she did just get home from slinging espresso and foam. We can't all escort world dictators and run rent scams for a living!

Just as I was falling asleep, Chloe swooped in with her "Oh-So-Chloe" ensemble of a striped body-con dress, motorcycle jacket, envelope clutch and sunglasses:

She always comes in the apartment so dramatically, like she had the most exhuastingly fabulous day ever. I love it! The outfit is all black, but really, what's more chic than all black? And it's slimming - not that Chloe needs that, the Amazon. 

And a motorcycle jacket always looks chic too. The whole effect is very Downtown Ladies Who Lunch.

After swooping in like a black swan, Chloe decides to "jam" with June (see what I did there?) in a super-cheesy, super-awesome montage of kitchen shenanigans!

Cute pose, but again with the boring clothes! I will go a little easy on you because you are making jam and I imagine that is messy, but Chloe you are wearing a white top! How is THAT practical for jam-making? June, I like this colour on you so you get one point for that, but there will be no points for the lack of pizzazz here.

Now this is more like it! A lovely coral (or is it salmon?) on June and a vibrant teal on Chloe, paired with a fun floral print. I don't even care that the floral print is on an apron - at least there's finally some colour up in hurr.

But yeesh, June has no idea what's coming, poor thing (I'm speaking of the projectile strawberry, of course, but also the fetish site that Chloe ends up making by filming them making jam and splicing the footage to make it all hot). 

Anyway, the splash of colour above recedes quickly and Chloe is in black again for pretty much the whole rest of the episode. Like here:

Aaaaaand here (although I must say this is a FAB coat):

See, another moto jacket! Chic for both sexes! You do look chic most of the time C, but why the aversion to colour?

Just look at Robin and Luther here:

Yes, they are a little weird (ok, Robin is A LOT weird) but at least they have a little fun with their wardrobes.

Chloe DOES inch a little bit back into colourful territory at James' party, in a dress (body-con, duh) with a burgundy purple mixed print:

More Linea Pelle...

It fits her like a glove and I like the simple belt, spangly earrings and chain-strap bag. And apparently June cut up and cinched her lime green t-shirt from before, Maria Von Trapp-style, and made a top/dress out of it! Again, resourceful - and I like the colour - but you are at a party at the Beek residence. Shouldn't you step it up a little?! You never know when Pacey might show up! (Although, who am I kidding - Diane K would be on his arm and she would show all y'all b****es up in the fashion department I'm sure). 

June does redeem herself in the colour department with this nice blue cardigan and floral shirt. "Nice" is the operative word though. We've not yet verged into "awesome" territory. And "the girls" look a little stifled in there:

"Look, I'm going to dress like those mannequins in the Old Navy ads if I want to, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

Ok, ok.

Anyway, it seems like everyone's trying to make money this week, which means WE get hilariously awesome pictures like this:

And this:

21st Century female version of Twins, perhaps? Lets make this happen, people!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find this Ellen chick on Twitter - apparently she's hilarious.