Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23: In the Hamptons

So... have you guys noticed that the past three episodes were clearly meant to air last season? Like, three weeks ago, they were celebrating Thanksgiving in cute outfits and suddenly they're running around the Hamps without even tights on? Setting aside this continuity error, this was a pretty choice episode. Chloe kidnaps June to the Land Of Revenge(!!!) to teach her the ways of the epic bender. You know? I bet if this was a real Xmas episode, it would probz have the same moral, so it's all good.

Everything I know about The Hamptons I have learned from a) that season 2 Gossip Girl episode where Serena and Dan (DAN IS GOSSIP GIRL!) hooked up on the jitney and b) #SheWillDestroyYou a.k.a. Revenge(!!!). So when Chloe kidnapped June for a madcap weekend in this magical land, I was entirely on board. Especially because she pulled off the kidnap while dressed like Evil Snow White:

The use of the red plaid hairband with her perfectly black hair is evoking something... something like... vintage Blair Waldorf. Or maybe I'm still trying to sort out the GG finale.

Other than the headband and red lipstick, Chloe's working an all-black ensemble which looks flawless, as ever. This belted trench is gorgeous.

And yes, she is drinking wine out of a sippy cup. This is because it turns out the party girl friend she was planning to crash with has baby twins. Chloe: "When you said you had a new set of twins, I thought you meant you had a boob job!"

Fun fact: that's pretty much how I interact with babies.

Chloe's colour story this week is entirely red and black, which makes sense. When on a bender, you don't want to worry if your outfit is matching. Even if it involves borrowing James' hat he got from Jason Mraz, and wearing earrings made out of purple Tiddly Winks.

Do you guys remember Tiddly Winks? That would be an excellent drinking game, just saying.

More Monica Vinader...

 

So anyway, Chloe's determined to track down and then hook up with Willoughby, a legendary party guy in The Hamps. If you're like me, you'd be imagining basically Nolan in disguise. What we get is a grown-up version of Blair and Chuck's son, Henry:

Not even a half-popped collar? Willoughby has a lot to learn about Hamptons style.

And so then it turns out that not only has Chloe met Willoughby before, but she actually married him six years ago at a wedding-themed party. Which is a theme that I'm kind of excited about, actually.

Love Chloe's flashback longer hair and her dedication to dressing for the wedding party. (SPOILER: It turns out she and Willoughby weren't really married, she just thought they were)

I don't know what to think about Chloe's red lace party dress.

We've discussed ad nauseum how Krysten Ritter can wear literally anything and work it like a boss, but I'm not sold on this look. It's not that she doesn't look fab - I mean, obviously - but a corset top and the lace overlay AND the bell sleeves are one embellishment too many. 

It's a rare miss, because this week, Chloe's coat is also not winning me over.

I kinda dig the Disney villain vibe of this coat, but if she was going that route, I'd have preferred more of an OTT Cruella DeVille fur look, rather than this hand-me-down from the baddie in Princess and the Frog. 

Hey, remember how June was kidnapped at the beginning of the episode? Chloe stole her from her bed, where she was sleeping in cute pajamas, her hair in a flawless French braid, perfect liquid liner, and earrings.

Any other character on any other show, I wouldn't buy it. But I think we know enough about June that she's just Type A personality enough to put on a full bedtime outfit.

To be fair, the pants were pretty schlumpy. But I admire how she rolled them up into capris to better fit in with the fancy scone-buying Hamptons crowd.

But can we talk about her braid again some more? Girlfriend spent some serious time on Pinterest and/or YouTube to get this look.

June borrowed a dress from Chloe's friend Katerina, which is how she winds up in this not-so-flattering strapless number.

Like, we know she's got an amazing bod, but this cut makes her look kinda pear-shaped. I do give her snaps for the Georgina Sparks-esque neck party.

But who cares about any of that because CHECK OUT THIS COAT:

#WANTNEED

We see June in her only proper outfit of clothes she actually owns later, when she comes back from a successful job interview.

The gold blouse is cute, the tweed skirt suit is cute, but... what's wrong with her hair? This is not the Rosewood hair of the June we've come to know and love.

The best hair this week (other than June's bedtime braid) came courtesy of Chloe's friend Katerina. We first met her as the frazzled mother of baby twins, but Luther performed a miracle to transform her thusly by the episode's end:

Can I have him as my personal stylist, too?

Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23: Bar Lies

Ah, the moment of truth. We all have one at some point, amiright? Well, all of us except Chloe. The specific focus of this week's episode is on lies told in bars, but Chloe also tells lies in James' apartment and...well, everywhere else, so clearly her fibs are not location-specific. She tells June that bar lies are harmless and get her free drinks. Who can say no to that? I'll tell you who - "Descended-from-Honest-Abe" June Colburn. She is horrified and tries to turn Chloe around (as usual) until she finds out HER whole life has basically been one lie after another. The funny thing is, Chloe is always super-stylish and lies all the time, and June starts being super-stylish as soon as she starts ALSO lying. Coincidence? 

So, guys, I dunno what's up with June this week - it's like she stepped into some kind of crazy weird style time warp or something because her hair (which is normally gorgeously smooth and shiny) was frizzy and frenetic in every frame this week and her clothes (which, honestly, are normally a bit of a snooze) were super! cute! and colourful!

Exhibit A, check out the adorbs strapless dress she wears to James' DWTS kick-off party:

This green is perfect for her, and the lace gives it a bit of an 80's fun vibe. However, what's not so '80's fun' is the funky permed hair! I'm all for going 'au natural', especially if you have luscious waves, but this looks like she let a friend go nutso with the crimping iron (I did that once too....when I was like ELEVEN YEARS OLD!). Sorry, Junebug, but I know you value honesty so I'm just being real witchu and letting you know - I'm just not liking the frizzy look.

She redeems herself slightly with the cute braid down one side:

(But only slightly.)

I can't stay mad at her for long, though, because she keeps trotting out super-cute tops and accessories in colours that I LURVE! Like next, when she shows up in this pink trompe l'oeil collared sweater:

ERMAGERD! So sweet. So fun. Nobody could take bar lies seriously from a girl wearing a pink sweater with faux peter-pan collar, but I bet people would still buy her drinks just because she looks so darn cute! Maybe only old men wearing tweed newsboy caps, but still... FREE is the operative word, here.

More J Brand...

 

Then she puts on another precious pink sweater for Skyping with James' M.I.L.T.T. (aka "Mom I Like to Talk To" aka June's actual mother.)

A pink sparkly bow?! And it matches her laptop skin?! June, you are too. much. Look at what a cute pair you and Chloe make in your bright, happy colours with fun print and embellishment. Y'all's next bar lie could be that you are Kate Spade's twin daughters. I would buy that lie about 10 drinks in hopes of getting a discount!

The parade of cute and colour continues when June visits her pastor in this kicky beret:

I do love me a beret - and not just because it's covering her frizz. BTW, Blair Waldorf totally wore one of these this week, too, although hers probably cost $500.

Again she brings the trompe l'oeil and lace while sampling iced teas at another bar. No colour here though, I'm sad to say, unless one considers 'putty' to be a colour:

All in all, June - I think you need to lie more often! It looks good on you!

Chloe is so good at lying, she is practically licensed. She even poses as a real estate agent in order to rent out James' apartment while he's in LA filming DWTS. And hey, who wouldn't want to rent a celebrity's apartment from a woman dressed in a fun and bright red suit!

Ok, so the red shoes are little TOO matchy, but other than that she looks rather Jackie-O. And you have to give her props for not wearing black and/or grey, like you would expect from your average real estate agent. That's the beauty of being a fake agent - there are no style rules! Red from head to toe? Sure! Casual Monday, Wednesday AND Friday? Absolutely!

She is looking much more herself at June's olive oil tasting in this printed velvet dress:

The shape is uber flattering and the style is a bit goth but a bit sweet at the same time. One thing's for sure, this girl's curls never look like they got attacked by a crimping iron. So bouncy and full. 

Oh, and apparently she can dress that gorg head of hair just as well as her body. I can't lie, I am loving her hairpieces from this week:

Yes and yes.

June - you know you;re having a good week when you give THIS girl a run for her fashion money. 

So, what did we learn from this week's Apt 23? If you really want to get ahead in life, you need to pretend you are a much cooler person than you are. Throw on a cute top or dress, head out to your nearest bar and start lying! Then life will open up for you. 

This has been another episode of Van der Beek Theatre. Thanks for tuning in. Until next time...you're welcome, America.

Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23: Whatever It Takes

Need help finding a job during the recession? Just drink your way to the top! At least, this is Chloe's advice to June, who helps June get an interview by having drunken sex with a Wall Street employee. Unfortunately, Chloe's on a drinking bender and had her "martini glasses" on when they had sex. Which means, she had no idea she actually had sex with a man with the mental capacity of a 5-year-old (gulp). And the only way for June to keep her job is to keep Chloe's martini glasses on (double gulp). Confused? So am I. Because the last time I checked, CHLOE was the B in Apartment 23.

This episode begins Chloe-perfect. "Chloe-perfect," as in a collection of fab jackets accessorized with WTF faces:

Amazing WTF faces aside, I love these two coats, LOVE LOVE LOVE! Nothing is better than a coat with texture and FURRRRR.

But what, do you ask, could she possibly be WTFing about? Oh, just June stuck on the couch, watching Jeopardy and stuffing her face with a burrito.

(Sidenote: Is there something wrong with watching Jeopardy and stuffing your face every night??? I mean, just wondering. Not for any specific reason or anything...)

On the flip side, June is concerned about Chloe and her drinking problem. However, she should be more concerned with the fact that Chloe is leaving the apartment in this sparkly bronze art project:

I don't know why I hate this so much... Is it the cleavage cut out or the side body cut out? Is it the sheer arms or the vest-looking design? Or is it because it looks like someone barfed glitter all over her???

I think I'm being way harsh. We all know Chloe is still rocking this monstrosity and awarding major points to Team Chloe Can Wear a Garbage Bag and Still Look Like a Million Bucks.

Chloe urges June to get out there and network, especially because just handing out her resume hasn't gotten her back on Wall Street. June, being the moral conscience of the show (or so we think... (spoiler alert!)), doesn't want to "drink her way to the top." Chloe says, "pooh-pooh" to that in this fantastic but classic Chloe outfit:

Honestly, she looks like she's just wearing the under lining of a dress but I still absolutely adore this. Wild hair: Check. Fabulous Hair Accessory: Check. Empty Martini Glass: Check. This is a perfect representation of fashion on Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23.

Even June's hitting her own Fashion MO. June In A Boring, Plain Top: Check.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), Chloe brings out the big guns again: Glitter and Cutouts (already two outfits too many in this episode).

Fortunately (definitely FORTUNATELY this time), Chloe looks absolutely adorable. I love this dress on her.

The "drinking your way to the top" thing doesn't work for June so she leaves in a huff. Luckily, Chloe employs the "sleeping your way to the top" thing, which works wonders for Chloe AND June.

More Nine West...

With her "martini glasses" on, Chloe meets Trey. A hot, wealthy, ethnically ambiguous Wall Street man...

....Who is actually, this guy:

Yikes. Cool stickers, bro.

Chloe gets a call from Sharp Financial Management for an interview in this sort of cute/sort of NOT cute cardigan. 

I am NOT a fan of chains hanging off of pockets. Also, are those buttons silver dollars or something?

Chloe reveals to June that she got her the interview by having sex with Trey, an employee at Sharp. June gets the job on the spot, obviously not based on her interview attire:

I like that she's wearing a pop of color under her blazer but THAT'S IT. BLEHHHHHH.

Despite her sudden good fortune, June meets her boss's son, the real Trey... (just in case you don't remember:)

Because her job is threatened if Trey and Chloe ever break up, June decides not to tell Chloe until she signs her contract on Friday. Which will be difficult because it's kind of hard to keep your mouth shut around Chloe's next outfit:

I absolutely love this. It's space cadet meets Speed Racer meets Japanese Rising Sun art and I can't get enough of it. Score another for Team Chloe Can Wear a Garbage Bag.

Chloe continues to date Trey (martini glasses, people!) and June says goodbye to Mark in this cute, bright and sunny outfit.

Sidenote: isn't this New York City? And isn't it winter time (after Thanksgiving i.e. previous episode) or did we skip all the way to July???

June is so close to signing her contract when she comes home to Chloe looking very un-Chloe. AKA SOBER.

Sober Chloe dresses very differently than Drunk Chloe but still looks like perfection. How much does she look like a radder Snow White?

June can't risk her new job and forces vodka down Chloe's throat. Which is, on a serious note, all kinds of horrible.

Failing to get Chloe drunk, June seeks the help of Robin, who provides June with a "mind-bang" (a concoction of pomegranate juice and expired nasal spray). June drugs Chloe and they all go out on the town:

I think Chloe and June look pretty typical here, nothing that blows me away. June in a cute bright strapless while Chloe in a black leather trim dress and signature red heels.

I actually think Mark looks pretty cute here with his checkered shirt and v-neck sweater.

Don't you think so, Chloe?

Yikes. Getting roofied by your roommate does nothing for the face.

June succeeds in drugging her roommate (seriously, NOW who is the B in Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23???) and makes it to the contract signing on Friday in another blazer-skirt combo with a color pop:

Unfortunately, so does Chloe:

Chloe is KILLING it in this episode. Seriously, it's 7/8 for me at this point and this dress tops the charts! 

Chloe knows that June has been lying to her and is not mad (not even mad about being drugged, which is absolutely "pooh-pooh" IMO) because Trey is worth millions of dollars. Unfortunately he's married, with a kid, and June's boss wants her to be okay with mistresses. And then, after all that (forcing alcohol down your roommate's throat, drugging your roommate, lying to your roommate), June quits on the spot.

Whew. What an episode. Where a bunch of stuff happened but in the end, nothing really did.

On another note, JBVD gets a horrible partner on DWTS:

I mean, I won't even honor this outfit with a comment.

"Trust me, me neither."

Thanks JBVD!

Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23: It's a Miracle

This week, on A Very Special Don't Trust The B----, June can't afford to go home for the holidays, so Chloe brings her along to visit her parents (you know, her Dad who June slept with and her Mom who she hates). Meanwhile, James goes to an exclusive soup kitchen so he can be featured in People magazine.

OK, so how much do we lurrrveeee Chloe's trademark 1920s flapper showgirl villainess pajamas?

Almost as much as we love her breakfast Bloody Mary/Caesar. FYI -- this is what most of the YKYLF staff looks like in the a.m., or at least, this is what we looked like in the morning during our last staff retreat. Who needs cereal or waffles when there's cocktails for brekkie?

June lives in one outfit this episode, although we see it in a variety of ways. First, and most effectively, in this H-to-T shot that shows how she's balanced the casual cardi, scarf and button-down with perfectly executed skinnies and wedge boots.

Didn't Chloe and James destroy her collection of autumnal sweaters a few weeks ago? Either this pumpkin coloured sweater was hidden, or she went out and bought this after the Great Sweater Flambe.

I can't lie. That sweater makes me think of pumpkin spice lattes, which makes me happy all over, so I'll give her a pass on yet another orange cardi. FOR NOW.

But then her outfit loses its pizzazz when James borrows steals her scarf to complete his look. And I gotta say, the scarf looks just as good on James as it did on June:

Without a scarf, June turns to a nautical style jacket to complete her look. I like this coat - it's halfway between a trench and a peacoat... but without a scarf (or even a hat or any other accessory), the whole look is kinda meh. Also? JUST SAY NO to the front-hanging purse. Seriously, we shouldn't be taking advice from Emily's Mom on Revenge (!!!).

To cheer up her sad roommie, Chloe comes up with the genius idea to bring her back home with her for Thanksgiving. You know, to visit her Dad (who June totally slept with) and her Mom (who Chloe totally hates for no reason, which is just as hilarious as when Michael Scott hated Toby on The Office for so long for no reason).

It's obviously a terrible plan, which is why Chloe has to resort to L and D to convince June to join her: Lies and Distraction. The lies are a fake story about taking June to a casino; the distraction is in this outfit that I would have KILLED for circa 1987:

Outfit of the week, y'all! The hot pink bag! The embellished jean jacket! Chloe's signature shrink-wrapped mini! The green earrings.

More Express...

Right?? Note: this look is not for amateurs. Chloe looks amaze, as per usz, but normal human beings over the age of 10 would be advised to use caution when attempting this look.

Also? I couldn't not share this happy family pic June spots at Chloe's parents house:

I don't... did Chloe... pierce her lips together here?

This picture proves Chloe's always been totes ferosh, but her Thanksgiving outfit shows she's learned to love colour... or at least, red:

Again, not recommended for amateurs. Also? Remember when Krysten Ritter played Aunt Carol in that flashback episode of Gossip Girl? Clearly she's brought her Rhodes Lady earlobe strength over to this show, because she never wears an earring that's less than the size of a baby's fist)

You know, I just read recently that leopard print is so commonplace that it's now considered a neutral.

In which case, this outfit is quite tame. Need I mention she's also wearing leopard-print stilettos, or does that go without saying?

Remember how James "borrowed" June's scarf to go to the soup kitchen? Without the scarf, and without the coat, we're left with this tragic look:

The polka dot top is fine; the cardigan is fine. But without anything else to spice things up? Total miss.

Hey, remember Scott? June's ex? Or as you may remember him better, Chloe's Dad.

Riiight. When we first met him in season 1, he was much cuter than this. They've aged him up, I think. They've also put him into a Rufus Humphrey Collection Dad sweater and a pair of Dad khakis. He's firmly in Chloe's-Dad territory now; deffo no longer a love interest for June.

Which is not to say he isn't still a silver fox who also looks weirdly like an older version of Tobey Maguire. But I'd rather see June hook up Mark, her barista friend, than ol' Touch Of Grey here. 

Luther is sneaking up to become one of my fave parts of this show. That may have something to do with his Nolan Ross-meets-Chuck Bass sartorial sense.

Tone-on-tone bowtie and shirt? Peppy sweater vest? DRIVING GLOVES? Even Nolan Ross hasn't shown up on my TV wearing driving gloves. Full circle snaps for this one, girl.

James dresses as best he can for his photo op at the soup kitchen.  

Casually undone henley, a good pair of jeans, and a $1500 leather jacket. (He obvs adds June's scarf to this ensemble to complete it)

Later on, he gets some competition from one of the customers of the soup kitchen who borrows steals his $1,500 leather jacket.

Hey, fair's fair, JvdB. Maybe if you return June's scarf, karma will bring you back your jacket (...not that you want it anymore, since Wayne's personalized the seasonal lining and all).

Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23: Sexy People

This week in #23, Chloe played one of her best pranks to date – taking over the offices of People Magazine to get James Van Der Beek named “Sexiest Man Alive”, thus proving to June that she’ll believe anything as long as it’s on the cover of a magazine.

And how does one just barge in and take over a magazine? By making a dramatic entrance, firing two people, and then staring out the window for a while.

Also, there was something about drawing naughty bits on the white board.

Chloe looked great this week – either of these blue & black numbers could be the best outfit of the week. I especially love the stripes.

Those dresses are fab, but to stay true to my Nova Scotian roots, I think I have to choose this fierce plaid number as the outfit of the week. Chloe does professional very well.

This trench and that face? It's a "Don’t f--- with me" moment if I ever saw one.

June, on the other hand, could never convincingly take over a magazine. Maybe a Gap or something. Maybe. Aptitude for corporate raiding aside, this outfit was totes adorbs.

How much do I covet this? Let me count the ways: red accents with the purse and belt, a blazer is to die for, and I’m a sucker for polka dots. I might wish I dressed like Chloe, but I actually dress like June.

Case in point: Cute print dress + cardigan is my go-to work outfit, and June is pulling it off beautifully.

But her nighttime look could use some work. Polka-dot PJs and glasses are adorkable, but not very sexy.

And that face suggests she wants to look sexy. Why? Because James Van Der Beek is pouring a smoothie all over his body.

...which is his way of messing with June and getting her to develop a crush on him. He also picked up an important secondary prop - The Quirky Pet. Meet Steph the turtle!

But really gals, who doesn’t want to see this? I’ll take JVDB over Channing Tatum* any day!

*No I won’t. That was a boldfaced lie. I love you, Channing!