unmAsked - Part 2 of 3 - We're At The Ball!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least three time: the kids of Rosewood have ridiculous access to party decorators.

But to hell with the atmosphere, let’s look at the dresses! Up first is Spencer in a lovely saffron gown. I’m not really sure what’s up with the bling on her neck. Is it part of the dress? Is it an uncomfortable necklace? Did she take it from the frame of a vanity mirror? Doesn’t matter - her dress is stunning.

Emily decided to rock the peacock look this time around and I’m totally down with that. She looks great in blue and green tones, and her mask has that jaunty little feather as if to say, “I’m so NOT being chased by a murderous psychopath tonight”. High kicks for you, girl! 

At the hotel, Hanna revealed a quaint fact about herself: she’s always wanted to play Juliet. So of course this masquerade is her time to shine. I don’t remember Juliet being dressed like a vestal virgin (nor Hanna for that matter) but you can’t deny it’s a lovely gown. The flowers in the hair may have been a bit much but then again, this is a lavish masquerade party for a bunch of teenagers in Pennsylvania. Go big or go home, sister.

Of course, Aria couldn’t possibly have tried to be elegant tonight. There’s nothing outrightly wrong with her dress, but compared to the other three she looks like a jester. Red and black? I’m sorry, when did Avril Lavigne come back? Is that where we are with the edgy kids today? I’m not having it. I’m hungry, but I won’t bite.

At least the men were as handsome as ever. But remember when they’d take their shirts off? Those were good episodes.

Paige got her stalk on at the ball when she cornered Emily. For a girl who was terrified to come out of the closet, she was pretty eager to rock an Annie Hall look for the masquerade. I love a woman in a blazer, I really do. The hair is pulled back, the collar is undone, and I have to say Paige, you’re looking pretty fine. But do you have the boho sensibilities of Maya? No. So step off.

Alright, Ezria is back and a thousand girls around the world squealed with relief. But let me get this straight: Ezra gets fired, is embarrassed about the whole dating a former student who’s much younger than he is, so he decides to show up at the highly publicized masquerade so he can make out with said student in the middle of the dance floor? For an English teacher, he doesn’t quite grasp the term “subtle”. 

During all of the drama, Mona is hovering (as usual) and Spencer says ominously, “I’ve got you figured out”. Does she know she’s A? Or... no, wait... it’s just a cat and mouse game of compliments. I never realized how short Mona is until the masquerade. All the other girls are towering in their flowing gowns and fairy tale hair, and there’s Mona. All stout and bound in a country music amount of crinoline. But now that she has Spencer in her clutches, the craziness can begin.

unmAsked - Part 3 of 3 - Did Y'all Hear What Happened At The Ball?

Who would have guessed that this mousey little girl in pigtails, shopping at a vintage store where she clearly never bought anything, could turn out to be an unhinged, psychopathic killer? Probably her therapist.

Hey, it’s Flashback Alison! Only this is not her usual filter. Rather than soft and glowy, it’s more... fake and film noir. Oh Spencer, if you could only see what I see! Then you’d realize Mona’s lying to you. Or maybe I’ve been watching too much Sherlock.

As a writer, I have to say I protest the use of the term “A’s Lair” to describe the horrific motel room Spencer’s in. I mean... lair? A’s not a supervillain. Or a group of bats. I would have accepted hideout, or headquarters, even office, but lair feels a little too false for me. But did you get a look at the creepy clown mask? Does every “lair” need one horrifying accessory?

Once they make it to the motel, Mona and Spencer lock themselves in a coy game of “I know what’s going on”. But before Spencer realizes that Mona’s A, she finds the now infamous Black Swan sketches.

“This must be what A is wearing to the ball!”
“A’s dressed as the Black Swan...”
*DUN DUN DUNDUN!!!*

Y’all, this calls for a serious record scratch. The Black Swan? The cut to commercial? Honestly, I laughed out loud at this. What would happen if Pretty Little Liars happened in the 80s? “She’s dressed as Alex Forrest from ‘Fatal Attraction’!”. Or in the 90s? “She’s dressed as Catherine Trammell from ‘Basic Instinct’!”.

After finding the sketches and trying to call the girls, Mona and Spencer find Alison’s diary. Only Spencer finds the tell-tale gum wrapper inside which obviously means that Mona is A. It’s the only logical deduction. To prove her point, Spencer asks Mona for some gum who has to run to the car and grab some. Rather than catching her mid costume change, Spencer waits until Mona comes back in dressed all ninja.

Damnit, Hanna! Put the damn feather down, this isn’t CSI and Spencer’s about to be straight up murdered. 

Luckily the girls find Spencer and Mona at Lookout Point, where I can only assume many a Rosewood teen has lost their v-card. After a struggle, Mona falls off the cliff but manages to survive. While the girls are tended to in the ambulance, Dr. Sullivan arrives out of nowhere to explain how Mona got to be so batshit crazy. You know, for a tough-as-nails therapist, Dr. Sullivan had an awfully hard time standing up to a teenager with a personality disorder. Wouldn’t a call to the police have solved her problem? You say Mona threatened your son? SHE’S SEVENTEEN. Get over it.

At least Spencer and Toby are back together. Their little reunion with him preventing Spencer’s slap and then forcefully kissing her was so old Hollywood romance. Hopefully this leads to more shirtlessness next season and less moping around.

So Mona’s in the nuthouse and the girls think they have the A mystery wrapped up. But if that’s true, who’s this figure in red coming to visit?

That’s right bitches, it’s not over yet!

Oh, and Maya might be dead. Nice cliffhanger. Although, personally, I think it’s Paige.

If These Dolls Could Talk - 3 of 4 - Unlikely (A) Suspects

If one of these folks are A, well, knock me down and call me Susan, because I didn't see it coming. And I don't think I'm alone.

How do I know they're not A? Well, would A dress like The Most Boring Teacher Ever?

I should hope not. Although, with my hopes for A's wardrobe, you'd think I was expecting A to show up dressed like Liberace or in Anna Wintour glasses and furs. But no. I just think A is too clever for a plain shirt and tie. And too smart to wear zippers on his pockets.

Zippers! On his pockets! Clearly he's had too much time with Aria. Never let a girl who wears sheer skirts over a mini-dress buy you a shirt or else it'll come with the random zippers.

The Moms can't be A either. Well, I don't know about Spencer's mom, she's shady. But Ashley? She's dressed well enough to be A, but I think she's too worried about Hanna. A would never take a cell phone away.

I can only assume that Ashley is questioning Hanna's blazer there. "Are you wearing that? Did you actually skin an animal for that?" At least that's what my mom would say if I tried to head to school wearing that.

And Ella? She's too busy dealing with a case of the Disappointments (good work, Bitchy Aria) and the Frumps to be A.

Her accessories are cool. You can almost see her leather cuff with serious hardware there. But then she's all loose flowing jersey knits and she loses me.

I will give her props for trying to structure things with this bitchin' tuxedo style blazer.

I only wish I could have gotten a decent shot of the front. But the back is awesomesauce. It's the way to be the Cool Mom, not the Frumpy Mom. Keep that up Ella, please.

And the dudes? Like Ella, Toby is too busy dealing with the Disappointments to be harassing his ex-girlfriend.

I'm dealing with the Disappointments because he's just layering up with the plaid. There better be a little Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness on A-Day...because I think none of us wants to go into a hiatus without that.

At least if he has to wear a shirt, he wears fitted shirts.

And the least likely to be A? Why Caleb of course. How do I know? Because you can't be blackmailing/terrorizing a gal AND looking at her like this:

Seriously. The swoons.

I do have one beef with Caleb: he's so pretty that me makes ugly clothes okay.

For reals. That sweater is the pits. It's drab and grey and I bet it's fraying. And if anyone else put it on they'd look like a slob. But Caleb is That Guy. You know the one. There's probably one in every school. He can wear the fugliest sweaters and still make you swoon. So it's a wonder that Mona isn't swooning a little bit

Awkwardest. Cuddle. Ever.

Eye of the Beholder - Part 2 of 2 - The Wacky and the Hotties

In addition to some crazy-filled storylines, there were some crazy, wacky, weird, I-can't-believe-they-wear-that-to-school outfits thrown in there good measure. 

Take, for instance, Hanna. At first you're thinking, "Wow, great jacket. Love the pink and black combo." Then you realize it's a maxi dress that's SHEER. Who wears this to high school??

However, she does look pretty glam just standing around the kitchen... 

Then you have Mona who we know usually takes the crazy train to classes but this is certified music video costume. It's a little hard to see but I'm pretty sure her tights or leggings (or whatever she's calling those bottoms) are ripped/slashed all the way up to her macaron. Once again, I must ask...who wears this kind of outfit on a normal school day??

 

Jenna just has perfect hair (like the rest of the PLLs). And it amazes me how she gets it that perfect when CAN'T SEE. Do you think Toby helps her?

But for the love of god, please buy a new pair of sunnies!!!

Now for your viewing pleasure: The Hotties of Rosewood (minus Top Hottie--Caleb...unfortunately we did not get to see his pretty face this week)

Meet Duncan. Ali's secret boyfriend. A.K.A Ali's secret boy who flies her around in his plane...

Nice to see a different kind of boy-style on this show. How cute is his little cardi??

Now that Toby and Spence are broken up, I'm finding him less and less cute. Why is he so serious all the time? Cheer up, emo kid!

I swear Jason wears the exact same clothes every episode. But at least he's got really nice hair...like almost Caleb nice. 

Leave it to Ezra to bring back the corduroy vest. Although I'm thinking he should have left it at the thrift store he found it at. 

Oh Wren. Would you please be my doctor? This man has officially become my new crush. 

CREEPIEST MOMENT EVER. I think that bandage over her eye makes it just that much more creepy. 

And now the fire. This was pretty dramatic, but the girls definitely know how to pull off a rescue in style. 

We're that much closer to unlocking A's identity, my PLL worshippers! Only two more episodes to go! 

The Blonde Leading the Blind - Part 1 of 2 - Pretty Little Guy-iars

This week on The Love Lives Of Girls With Perfect Hair, we learned more about the NAT Club (i.e. that they, plus Jenna, were in Alison's room the night she was killed); and after Caleb got too close, Hanna ordered him to stop helping them. But then he secretly keeps helping them, but only Aria, Spencer and Emily know. Anyway, Caleb's basically the only love interest any of the girls have left, now that A's set his/her sights on their love lives - making Spencer break up with Toby after he fell off of scaffolding and broke his arm. Wait, I think Aria and Ezra may still be together. I don't know, the show didn't make a big deal out of that plotline or anything. (RAIN KISSING!) In other news: cutie Holden has a secret, but the PLLs are all too busy with the normal secrets to even care about investigating what he's up to.

So, this week's episode may have been devoid of the Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness we've come to expect, but it did come with some very interesting t-shirts, courtesy of the newest member of the PLLs, Caleb:

He's wearing the BERLIN WALL BEING TORN DOWN on his shirt. Caleb fronts like he's all effortlessly cool, but I doubt Rosewood's selling those off the rack. Dude spends his off-time (i.e. when not decrypting cell phones) sourcing out amazeballs tees like this one. (Want one? I tracked it down at Altru Apparel)

Caleb is basically a Pretty Little Liar now that he's been told a little (but not everything) about Alison's murder. He also has really pretty hair *and* he was vaguely threatened by Garrett on the street. And his t-shirt choices are, frankly, more interesting than Emily's. Check this one, with the NYC skyline:

I couldn't source this one for you guys, proving that Caleb is as skilled at online shopping as he is at decrypting cell phone videos. Anyway, Caleb has been promoted up from the ranks of boyfriends to being a Associate Member of the PLLs. Caleb : Pretty Little Liars :: Logan Bruno : Babysitters Club.

Since Ian's dead (OR IS HE? Oh, wait, yeah he totally is, we saw the body. Never mind...) Garrett is lurking around, picking up his slack in eating/drinking things in a weirdly creepy way. Check out how he sips his cappuccino here:

Yeah, not really as creepy as Ian's milk slurp, but getting there. His laidback look is unassuming - plain grey tee, military-style khaki jacket. Wait, haven't I seen that jacket somewhere before?

Are khaki military-inspired jackets part of the NAT Club uniform? Or did Garrett get Ian's hand-me-down?

And seriously, how can they show these NAT Club videos and not give us some Jason DiLaurentis? You know, hanging out, shirtless and broody... I miss that guy.

Aaaand moving on from the Rosewood Perv Posse, there actually are some sweet guys left in town. Some of them just moved to town, like the mysterious and adorable Holden:

He's got shaggy hair like Toby, nerdy charm like Lucas, chiselled good looks like Toby, and a bookish hipster thing like Ezra. I'll need to see his abs before I can fully compare him to Jason, but he's totally winning me over.

His mysterious secret will have to wait, though. Like the rest of the PLLs, I've got more pressing concerns to obsess over. Such as... who broke the scaffolding that broke poor Toby's arm?

And where did he get that gorgeous shearling-lined jacket? And how did he think it was a good idea to pair it with the nautical-striped v-neck?

And how is his chin dimple possibly that defined? His chin dimple has a chin dimple.

Also, I like his hair right now:

This week saw the re-emergence of Noel Kahn and his creepy, douchetastic ways. Remember when Aria was kinda thinking about dating him? That was a close call. Noel Kahn is THE WORST.

His outfit is OK, sure. That bag is actually kinda cute, and I like how he's matched the purple plaid with the grey tee. But he made Mona CRY, y'all.

And also? His friend is wearing a cardigan as a shirt:

Cardigans are not shirts, therefore, douche-by-association.

In case I haven't made my point:

Meanwhile, Ezra has clearly been keeping up with Revenge (!!!) as he takes inspiration from Daniel's rain-soaked proposal to sweep Aria into a romantic rainy kiss.

First, though, he shows up looking the most handsome he's ever looked (maybe slo-mo makes everybody look super handsome?):

And then he's like, "You're still 16 or something, so I can't propose to you without looking super-creepy, but Daniel Grayson said kissing you in the rain might make the whole internet fall into a swooning heap of squee, so..."

... yeah. Total internet swoon.