Pretty Little Liars: A dAngerous gAme

Part 1 of 3: Stylish Spy Work at School

After watching this episode, I’d like to demand that I. Marlene King direct every episode. Even if my anxiety goes through the roof. Girl, there was more alliance wavering this week than an episode of Big Brother! Spencer pulled off her best A impression to determine if Toby was really for reals dead. Turns out he’s really for reals alive! Aria and Ezra have a fairly subdued break-up (honestly expected more dramz) only to end up in class together — again. Emily and Hanna pulled off some detective work with Emily finding Melissa and Shana scheming with Jenna, while Hanna plays the most awkward babysitter game ever, "Find Your Kidnapper". The Liars confront Spencer about her new A-Team affiliation, she lets them in on Toby’s living status, they all scheme to double-cross Mona at the mountain lodge meant for Spencer’s return to society soiree. Yet somehow, Red Coat is still one step ahead and it seems everyone, including Mona, is in their crosshairs. Friends, this is how you do a cliffhanger.

I’ve always said these breakfast meetings are missing one thing — SHADE. Week after week, they all meet at Spencer’s before heading to school and not once do they shade each other’s outfits! It’s all “A this” and “homicide that”. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d love to see some cattiness between the girls.

They’re serving pretty standard fare, too. Emily in a graphic tee, Aria and Hanna in stylish tops. But we need to talk about those statements. I’m a big fan of the simple, industrial clothespin style Hanna has (courtesy of Anthropologie), but I’m shocked Aria can sit upright with that anchoring embellishment. I tried to think of a word more grand than embellishment and came up with, “DAMN GIRL”.

Girlfriend is out of Radley and her locks are back on the bounce patrol! Of course Spencer makes a dramatic staircase entrance in her own home. PLL is known for a lot of classic/horror movie references and this was so “Sunset Boulevard” I almost choked. You know I don’t love an elaborate belt, but this look is ridiculously chic and I want it. I chuckled a little seeing Spencer in a Rorschach Test inspired dress but then again, I’m hyper analytical and nerdy.

After Spencer mentions the “Welcome Back to Society/Our Daughter Is Not Socially Disturbed” gala being thrown by her parents, the Liars head off to school only to run into this B:

Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong, flirtatious female, but Shana's just obnoxious. Naturally, she pitches a little woo to Spencer because that’s how Shana do and if you ain’t feeling that, then step down. Mhmm, I believe that “Red Devils” patch you got there. 

Hanna’s not feeling Shana either, but only because she’s never on the flirtation radar. Girl, there’s a Sex & The City episode starring Charlotte you need to educate yourself on, OK? As for the look, I love a pink jewel tone top, but the stitching on the jacket needs to go. If you want tassels like Britney on her “Circus” tour, then just go full showgirl, honey. Otherwise, you’re reppin’ a late 90s look that should have never left the sketchpad. Cute H&M necklace though!

Ah yes, the object of Shana’s affections, Spencer Hastings. Be honest, any one of you would hit on her in that outfit, right? I don’t know many high-school girls who can flawlessly combine English “Country Life” style with haute equestrian. And the western tie peeping through? Where were you when The Killers were popular?!?

Emily (or Shay Mi according to those pesky titles), looks about as fired up as I was to see Shana. I find Emily’s style gradually evolving from the Flashdance-inspired wardrobe we’ve gotten used to. It ain’t no secret Shay Mitchell is GORGEOUS with a capital “I’m in love with you”, so it’s high time they dressed her up! I could do with less earth tones, but that scarf/jacket combo is classic and hard to argue with.

This week, Jenna sauntered back into our lives... sort of. I mean, she’s there and everything, but her model walk looked a little janky. I can’t blame her when you look at those torture chambers they’re calling heels, though. Seriously, they’re like one inch away from a ballerina en pointe and I have mad respect for anyone attempts them.

Also, I’m dying over this flowing Sparkle & Fade dress and the simple chain. Jenna’s always slightly more adult than the Liars.

But why was she in the woods? Oh no bigs, just meeting her apparent secret lovebug Shana. WTFbombs galore, y’all. Since when did they slip into cahoots with each and start exchanging “you complete me” gazes? One thing is clear: they both have remarkably different tastes in blazers. Jenna’s simple black with leather lapels and leopard lining is pummeling Shana’s Golden Girls style. Honey, who told you it was acceptable to wear a silver lame blazer in broad daylight? How many schoolchildren did you blind on your way to this rendezvous?

You may be wondering where Aria got to, but don’t worry, I didn’t forget her! How could I with those BDG leggings? Friends, I am more than down for a crazy print, but the number one rule is do not plaster it all over your legs. Do you want to look like a piñata that escape a barbecue? I lived for her acid wash denim jacket with hilarious tiger patch, and I would totally buy that cute Wildfox Couture diamond tank, but from the waist down Aria looks a fine mess.

And then there’s Ezra who continues to pair printed ties with plaid shirts as if he didn’t get the dozens of letters I mailed asking him to stop. He’s lucky he’s devastatingly hot. Our boy has run into some work troubles and needs to get back into teaching, which will totally put an end to their romance. But Aria (shockingly) sticks to her guns and breaks up with Fitz. Again. Or reminds him of it? These two are so Shakespearean.

Anyone else think it’s cutes patoots that Malcolm and Hanna have similar hairstyles? ‘Cause I do! This is just a repeat of her school outfit, but you have to appreciate Hanna’s moxie for using a 7-year old as a lead in their A games.

Emily pulls out some classic threads for her late night run, but something’s caught her eye. It’s night in Rosewood, so obviously it’s going to be suspicious and game changing.

Oh, it’s just Melissa Hastings look fine as hell in that beautiful coat!

That cropped cut was the best thing that ever happened to her... though I doubt it dulls the pain of having a fiance murdered. Whatevs, she’s up to something because that house? Yeah, it’s Jenna’s.

Pretty Little Liars: This is a Dark Ride

Part 3 of 3 - Party on the Murder Train!!

Even the A-Team got into the Halloween spirit, showing up in a new costume as the hArlequin!

The hArlequin wore these awesome rings, with ROOFIES INSIDE. Seriously, apart from the roofies, these rings are kinda awesome. And? Irony: Aria is done in by killer rings. Literally, KILLER RINGS. RINGS FILLED WITH ROOFIES. BAM!

So, A totally roofied Aria (when she was busy daydreaming about American Idol Runner-Up Adam Lambert) and Aria totally woke up locked in a crate with GARRETT'S TOTALLY DEAD BODY.

And that was how Aria lost her A-ginity. Remember earlier this season, when she was like "Ahh! I'm so scared of bathroom stalls! Hold me, Spencer!" Well, now she knows what her three BFFs have been dealing with THIS WHOLE SHOW. Welcome to ALMOST DYING, Montgomery.

Oh, I mentioned Garrett's totally dead body, right? So, before he died, he confessed to Spencer that he didn't kill Ali. It's just that he hit a field hockey stick on a tree, and told his blind girlfriend (Jenna, obvs) that Ali was dead. So Jenna thinks he did it, but he didn't do it. Get it?

Yeah, I have no idea what that was all about, either.

And then!! Garrett also tells Spencer that, later on that same night (the night Ali died), he saw her talking with... ARIA'S DAD!!

Like, was Ali sleeping with literally every man in Rosewood? And could Byron get any creepier? Also: remember when Ali coerced Aria into trashing Byron's office, pretending it had been done by a woman he scorned? WAS ALI THAT WOMAN??

Besides Paily, Spoby, and Ezria, Rosewood's fourth-best supercouple showed up to the Murder Train too!

Jenoel!

Noel is a matador; Jenna is a saucy pirate wench. Is it weird I'm more comfortable seeing her with one eye closed, than when her whole face is exposed? Kinda brave of a newly non-blind girl to wear an eyepatch, I guess.

Also, Jason DiLaurentis showed up dressed like... Brandon Walsh from original recipe 90210?

"Hey guys, break it up. You should probably give me your keys, I don't think you're safe to drive home tonight."

Did you guys catch how Jason sent some sort of psychic message to Lucas, just before the hArlequin tried to strangle Spencer to death? Or were you too distracted by the fresh-faced again, less-creepy Lucas dressed like an old-timey paparazzo?

Are we supposed to like him again? Or is he still a creeper? I can't remember anymore, but I love his gigantic camera.

Also, Caleb was there, dressed as Sexy Phantom of the Opera.

Well, he was dressed as Phantom of the Opera, but anything Caleb wears automatically gets "Sexy" put in front of it. Because, come on.

Although, unexpectedly, Paige wins the prize for Best PLL Significant Other tonight. Because, did Caleb, Evil Toby or Ezra save Spencer from being TOTALLY STRANGLED by the hArlequin? No, Paige did that. Because Paige? Is the greatest.

Ezra, who missed the party because of *mumblemumblewriting* or whatever, conveniently showed up after Aria's rescue to be all like, "I'm here because of coincidences! I was driving beside the train! Totally not on the train! Absolutely I have nothing to do with the A-Team!"

Aria believes him, but I don't know. What do you think about this Over-The-Shoulder-Hug action?

He may not be as evil as Evil Toby, but something's not right in EzriaLand.

Oh, and back on the mainland, Ashley and Pastor Ted dressed as a Doctor and Nurse:

Aww, wholesome fun! Ashley seems to have modified a Sexy Nurse outfit to make it more family (and Pastor Ted) friendly, with a cleavage-covering panel in the front:

But again with the Marin women and wigs that are the same as their normal hair. What's the point of a redhead wearing a redhead wig for Halloween? Obvs red suits her very well, but like... WTF?

Oh, and then of course Ashley had a run-in with a little girl wearing Spencer's outfit from the first scene:

Was this little girl the Ghost of Ali? One of the twin girls from Ali's monologue from The First Secret? The ghost of Ali's dead long-lost twin? I literally have no idea.

Pretty Little Liars: Single Fright Female

Part 2 of 3: The Never-ending Trunk Show

CeCe, old new Queen Bee, returns to put on a trunk show (unclear as to why this is relevant and why this is happening at all... #pllproblems) and has Spencer and the girls volunteer. Unfortunately, for someone who screams White Girl from the Big City, she decides today to dress like a Sassy, Black Woman:

Oh, don't worry. It gets much worse.

Off the shoulder, open back, flowy sleeves. CeCe, why don't you just add an asymmetrical hem and call it a day?

CeCe DOES prove to be useful, however, even if not in the fashion arena. She reveals that Paige and Allison used to have it out for each other to the point where Paige earned the nickname, "Pigskin."

Our Paige??? Our sweet, sweet, Paige???

Yep, totally believe it. Bitch is Pigskin. And bitch MAD. She about to take her hoop earrings off and shit.

Spencer begins to remember details about Pigskin and things start to turn bright and glowy. Which means....

HEFTY HANNA!

And ARIA DRESSED LIKE A TRAINWRECK! (Seriously though, WTF)

Good to know I can always count on those two.

What I CAN'T count on is Nate's consistency. Didn't he used to dress preppy? Now, he's dressed as if Abercrombie and Fitch got into a fight with Urban Outfitters at Coachella.

He's even starting fights with newspapers:

I'm really concerned... about the newspaper's well-being. Also about the fact that Nate's gay-dar is set to OFF.

Fortunately, Emily sets him straight and blows him off after he boards a plane from Crazyville to Asshole City.

Emily also boards that same flight when Spencer tells her that Paige may be involved in the Alison's grave fiasco.

Here, we get to see a better glimpse of Spencer's heeled Jeffrey Campbell oxfords and Emily's loafers, which are both pretty incredible. I choose to ignore the white leggings though.

Hanna meets Jenna at her usual spot (top of the stairs at the Rosewood High entrance, of course) to tell her that the thumb drive has been discovered. Jenna, per usual, is eating a snack that requires extra clean up (see: pistachio crop circles in Season 3 Episode 2).

I mean, there are a lot of other snacks that don't have pits or shells, Jenna... JSYK.

Though, I AM loving the leopard belt she adds to her black dress. And of course, the black-and-white polka dot nails with pink outline:

NAILGASM.

Unfortunately, a bitch who can see is still a BITCH who can see.

Back at the trunk show (yeah, remember that is still happening?), Spencer goes into the dressing room to change and...

There is a MOTHERF**ING SNAKE in this MOTHERF**ING DRESSING ROOM!

And SHIT GETS REAL(-ER than last week).

While Hanna comes to Spencer's rescue in a cute raccoon print tank...

...Wesley Fitzgerald comes to Aria's rescue in a generic purple polo and khakis.

He tries to comfort Aria about Ezra, but clearly has some sneaky ulterior motives. Like getting into her abs adorbz floral dress.

Ugh. Aria. Don't. Don't fall for his WASP-y, generic Polo shirt tricks. You're better than that!

"But am I, really?"

No, you're not. GAWWWWDD, Aria. Why don't you take the crazy train to Delaware and find Wesley's ex-girlfriend and meet Wesley's illegitimate son too!?!?

UGH. CRY ME A G-D RIVER.

Pretty Little Liars: Single Fright Female

Part 3 of 3: BUY TRESEMME DRY SHAMPOO

Meanwhile, at the trunk show (seriously, is this thing ever gonna happen or what?), CeCe delegates duties in a smoking red dress and simple black accessories.

She also delegates dresses to Spencer and Hanna, who both don't look spectacular. Spencer's Anthropologie lace dress is sexy funeral attire (to be clear, not a good thing) and Hanna's wearing a Yumi Kim dress more suited for the beach. Or solving murders. Whatever.

I didn't realize how choppy and kinda horrible Hanna's hair looked until CeCe cleverly offered her TRESemme dry shampoo.

GASP! Blatant product placement in Pretty Little Liars! Horrendous! WHY THE EFF WOULD THEY DO THAT TO IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG WOMEN?!?! I MEAN, DO THEY THINK WE'RE DUMB ENOUGH NOT TO KNOW THAT WE'RE BEING SUBCONSCIOUSLY TAPPED BY CONSUMER AMERICA?!?!

Buy TRESemme Dry Shampoo.

Emily brings Paige with her, making Spencer feel SUPER comfortable.

Damn, Hastings. Sure, Pigskin is tough. Tried to drown Emily, possibly kicked Ali's back and likes to violently throw Chinese food into trash cans. But Spencer Hastings has done some crazy stuff too. LIKE, dated her sister's boyfriends. And, plagiarized. And tried to have sex with her boyfriend who wasn't havin' it. And stuff.

Whatever! She is still 100% BAMF.

While Emily goes off to try on a sexy Max and Cleo dress with Paige...

...Spencer and Hanna find this in Paige's bag:

Too easy, Writers' of PLL. Too easy. I won't fall for any red herrings earrings.

Meanwhile at Ezra's apartment, Aria makes it back in time from Delaware to cry to Wes, change, make an entire dinner and eat an entire dinner. If this were real life, it would be 3am.

Despite time technicalities, Aria looks absolutely perfect in her black-and-orange peplum dress. Not sure WHY she had to change (Wes is still wearing the same thing)...

I even love that geometric square necklace.

Puppy dog eyes + The Rachel + geometric necklace + Jelly Wes in the background = ME LIKE-Y.

ME ALSO LIKE-Y THIS:

Perfect-Date-Night-With-Pastor-Ted Dress.

Also, Perfect-Destroying-Thumb-Drive-Holding-Incriminating-Evidence Dress as well.

A standing ovation goes to the Marin girls for always using kitchen appliances to destroy electronics and dressing cute while doing so. As difficult as curing cancer.

Welcome back to The Real L Word: Rosewood, PA. Emily and Paige sit on the porch, mirroring an almost exact night Emily shared with Nate... and what good came out of that? Hasn't Emily learned anything from the last episode?

Paige sure has. She's learned that sitting on Emily's porch and crying your eyes out means one thing: she's gonna get some.

Ugh. Even if this girl isn't part of the A-Team, she sure is T-R-O-U-B-L-E. I mean, for God sakes, Emily, can't you see the crazy in front of you? OR ARE YOU BLIND?!?

...

Eek. Didn't see you come in, Jenna.

Jenna rushes to Emily's house to warn her about "the people she spends time with." Who? Paige? Likely. Nate? More likely. Both? Most likely.

Also, can we even trust Jenna? Sure, she's wearing a pretty floral scarf and has impossibly soft-looking hair. But Jenna being nice is creepier than Paige and Nate being Paige and Nate.

Ughhh. I liked it better when she was blind.

Jenna rushes out quickly in a cab to... leave Rosewood? No one leaves Rosewood! The only things PLL characters ACTUALLY leave Rosewood for are fake pregnancies, MMA fighting and Harmony Korlne movies starring James Franco!!!

...Or to pass secret keys in front of jukeboxes. Interesting.

Clearly, the writers are pushing Paige BIG TIME as a possible A suspect. Which I'd agree with if being A was dependent on how badly you dressed. Although she is crazy, violent and obsessed with one of the Liars, any of the other characters could be suspects. What about CeCe and her secret insight on the girls? Or Nate with his ambiguous (possibly not blood) relationship with Maya? Or Ezra/Wren (pretty interchangeable) with their Liar-dating habits/secret children?

What do you guys think? Who do YOU think has signed up for the crAy-Team? 

Pretty Little Liars: The Kahn Game

Part 2 of 2: Just tryin' to get some action

Typical Ashley work outfit, except she's got her "my-daughter-ain't-going-to-jail" look on her face.

Gorgeous. Freakin' gorgeous. This color was completely and utterly and amazeballs on Ash. The slightly messy but wavy side bun was the perfect complement. I can't believe Ted didn't go in for the kill sooner. Dayyum. 

So I thought Cece worked at some little boutique store? I would have thought she would dress better.  The oversize top does not work with the flare pant. And I know this is an itty-bitty picture, but I didn't want to put you through the pain of looking at her top up close--it looked like it was that tacky, itchy, glitterly material. Eww. 

This was not much better. I get that the python print on this Equipment dress makes it a little more hip and fun, but this is what you wear to a house party filled with people you went to high school with? Did I mention that Cece is only 22? 

Another confirmation that denim and twill minis are back in action. Jenna's Guess? top is fun, but I guess when you're in high school, a denim mini is still your go-to. 

 

Hello, Noel. Lovely to see you. Not. 

Hello, Noel's older brother Eric. Lovely to see you. Yes. 

While Eric's intentions/motives do not seem pure, he doesn't have that creepiness factor that Noel's face seems to have. Welcome to Rosewood, new boy. 

So we didn't learn a lot about Ezra's little bro-Wes, but we do know that the Fitzgerald boys share the same style. Well put-together, classic pieces. What is your story Wesley??

Perhaps we'll find out next week. Or maybe we'll be distracted by some more new characters. Come to Rosewood - there's room for all!