If These Dolls Could Talk - 1 of 4 - Desperately Seeking A

Holy creepy episode, Batman! Also, CREEPIEST EPISODE EVAR. So the dramz was off the hook this week and all it did was leave me with questions. Ali might not be dead. Melissa is secretly dating the creepy Garrett, who got arrested for being a creep (well, not really. For Ali's murder). Aria's parents are thinking of shipping her off to boarding school and she's turning into a heinous bitch to the parents. Unnecessary, as Ezra got canned and has to leave because he can't teach high school in town (because HE'S TOTALLY SLEEPING WITH A STUDENT). Jenna is totally not blind anymore and she's real good at playing dumb as she gives the autopsy report to Toby. And Mona's making out with Caleb on his face and I'm not so sure she didn't plan that one herself. And the Doll Hospital? Don't even get me started.

Ladies, I commend you. Serious shit is going down all around you and you're frequently in mortal peril, yet, your nails are always impeccable.

Golf claps, ladies. Golf claps.

So, when your nails look that good all the time, we get a wee bit disappointed when you're not even trying with your outfits. Like you, Emily. Sweetie, take a look at your friends. Now take a look at your outfit. I know you're dressed like a normal teen (or an extra on Vampire Diaries), but compared to your friends, you're kind of boring.

I mean, Hanna wears a glitter skirt to school while you wear one of your bitchin' leather jackets with a hoodie.

While I admit the glitter skirt as school attire is a bit much - and by a bit, I mean it's totally over the top and suitable for a discothèque only - at least it's fun.

I'm on the fence about Hanna's sweater though. I like it as an attempt to tone down a glitter mini-skirt (which is totally impossible because it's a glitter mini skirt), but the shoulders are a bit too strong.

That's Spencer's most sensible outfit. Minus the knee socks of course. However, when she pairs the dress and the knee socks with a cross-body leather satchel? It goes from cute dress to "do you have any cookies you can sell me?".

As Kate mentioned, the girl who really brought it this week was Hanna. And it wasn't for the glitter.

At first I was all, nice blazer and that colour blue looks great on you. And then I watched the episode again. This time I was all, "are you seriously wearing a snakeskin print blazer?"

Oh yes. She is. Then again, with a friend like Mona who wears a fur stole to class, you've got to skin some kind of animal if you're going to keep up.

I thought Spencer was looking kind of cute this week.

Nothing too exciting, but not drab either. And not covered in ponies or leather patches. So I was going to give her golf claps. And then I saw more of her outfit.

And that's when things started to go downhill into crazytown. Sure the dress is cute, but I'm positive she stole the sweater from Mr. Rogers. It's big enough that it could fit on an older gentleman.

We could have gotten past that. Except then I saw the knee socks.

Whaaat is going on here? White knee socks? With white booties? Oh, Spencer, honey no. Now it's like some kind of kinderwhore getup favoured by Courtney Love. And then paired with the Mr. Rogers sweater? It's just too much.

Of course, Crazytown, population Aria, really didn't need any help from the tourists. She brought all the crazy this week and she brought it hard.

What? I. Can't. Even.

Okay maybe I can, let's break this down. She's wearing a little black dress, probably of the American Apparel variety, that seems to have some kind embellishment on the front. That much I can handle. But the long, sheer, petticoatish sort of skirt over it? And practically pulled up to her boobs?

But the magic of that outfit doesn't stop there. No, it just keeps on upping the cray cray by showing off her bra.

I'm not being a prude on this one. I just think it's totes unnecessary because there's already SO MUCH going on here that the visible bra is the least of this outfit's worries.

And if it's chilly outside and you're dressed like that, what do you reach for? A jean jacket. OF COURSE.

The outfit definitely need another layer. But the pièce de resistance?

THE MOTHEREFFING KNEE HIGH SUDE BOOTS. You guys, serioulsy? Maybe the boots with the mini dress and the jacket. Maybe the skirt worn with nothing because it's just a no-no. But all together? Words fail me. My only guess is there's a German compound word that adequately descrbes "completely insane outfit that layers a sheer skirt over a mini dress and adds suede boots to the mix".

I thought she wisened up and toned it down with this outfit.

Except no! She still needs to be edgy and nothing says edgy like exposing your bra.

On the upside, I like her gigantic rings.

Except, maybe not wear them all at the same time. That has to make texting and using a pen hard.

If These Dolls Could Talk - 2 of 4 - Usual (A) Suspects

Less than a week to go to A-Day and I have zero clue about who A is. Ann and I were discussing it on the Twitter and getting nowhere. I figure it's going to be someone I didn't see coming. It'll go all Veronica Mars-y, Keyser Söze on me and A will be a total shocker, but it'll make 100% sense after the reveal. At least that's what I'm hoping for. In the meantime, I'm going to use the handy ABCFamily hashtags to tip me off to suspects.

#IsMelissaA

Probably not. I think she's probably just a bitch who has THE WORST taste in men. While she can't pick a decent dude to save her life, she can pick an amazing coat. Nice work, Melissa. You are one stylish pregnant lady. You were probably just in the wrong place in the wrong time when Mona decided to kiss Caleb.

Speaking of Mona...

#IsMonaA

Y'all, I'm not even sure Mona is getting texts from A. Hear me out. 1) I doubt A does Daytime Glam (also, she should leave that to the ladies with the Magic Closets). 2) I think Mona is just trying to break Hanna and Caleb up. She's no Caleb fan...or is she?? Because if I could use a mysterious texter to get me a chance to make out on his face I TOTALLY WOULD (I don't even care if it's a lousy BFF move. I'd do it).

But my guess is she just wants them broken up so she can hang with her bestie again. Because you don't wear this jacket to make out with a dude you like.

What is that trim? Is she going to start yodelling? Regardless of what her plans are for the rest of the evening, she really shouldn't have paired that jacket with those pants.

Great jeans. Love the cobalt blue. But not with the Lonely Goat Herder jacket.

#IsJennaA

This one just seems too obvious. Also, would A really wear a sheer, beaded top with the long jacket?

Okay, I have no idea if A would wear that. I hope A would dress better. I'd say Jenna's excuse for that top is she's blind...or is she?!?

It appears she's totally seeing everything. So that leaves me to believe she's using the blind thing to hold on to Toby in front of Spence (bitch move). And that she's had something to do with Ali's death (super illegal bitch move).

The not blind thing is probably why she wears her sunglasses at night - to hide the fact that SHE CAN TOTALLY SEE from poor, sweet, Toby.

#IsAlisonA

That hashtag needs to be #IsAlisonDead, because dead girls do not root through her former belongings and help themselves to some painkillers.

They also do not wear such lovely white leather jackets. I'm not usually a fan of white leather, but it's so different from the usual leather jacket on TV (yes vampires, I'm looking at you) that I'm going to give the dead girl who is possibly blackmailing her friends from the grave via text message some props.

Cute details on the arm too.

If These Dolls Could Talk - 3 of 4 - Unlikely (A) Suspects

If one of these folks are A, well, knock me down and call me Susan, because I didn't see it coming. And I don't think I'm alone.

How do I know they're not A? Well, would A dress like The Most Boring Teacher Ever?

I should hope not. Although, with my hopes for A's wardrobe, you'd think I was expecting A to show up dressed like Liberace or in Anna Wintour glasses and furs. But no. I just think A is too clever for a plain shirt and tie. And too smart to wear zippers on his pockets.

Zippers! On his pockets! Clearly he's had too much time with Aria. Never let a girl who wears sheer skirts over a mini-dress buy you a shirt or else it'll come with the random zippers.

The Moms can't be A either. Well, I don't know about Spencer's mom, she's shady. But Ashley? She's dressed well enough to be A, but I think she's too worried about Hanna. A would never take a cell phone away.

I can only assume that Ashley is questioning Hanna's blazer there. "Are you wearing that? Did you actually skin an animal for that?" At least that's what my mom would say if I tried to head to school wearing that.

And Ella? She's too busy dealing with a case of the Disappointments (good work, Bitchy Aria) and the Frumps to be A.

Her accessories are cool. You can almost see her leather cuff with serious hardware there. But then she's all loose flowing jersey knits and she loses me.

I will give her props for trying to structure things with this bitchin' tuxedo style blazer.

I only wish I could have gotten a decent shot of the front. But the back is awesomesauce. It's the way to be the Cool Mom, not the Frumpy Mom. Keep that up Ella, please.

And the dudes? Like Ella, Toby is too busy dealing with the Disappointments to be harassing his ex-girlfriend.

I'm dealing with the Disappointments because he's just layering up with the plaid. There better be a little Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness on A-Day...because I think none of us wants to go into a hiatus without that.

At least if he has to wear a shirt, he wears fitted shirts.

And the least likely to be A? Why Caleb of course. How do I know? Because you can't be blackmailing/terrorizing a gal AND looking at her like this:

Seriously. The swoons.

I do have one beef with Caleb: he's so pretty that me makes ugly clothes okay.

For reals. That sweater is the pits. It's drab and grey and I bet it's fraying. And if anyone else put it on they'd look like a slob. But Caleb is That Guy. You know the one. There's probably one in every school. He can wear the fugliest sweaters and still make you swoon. So it's a wonder that Mona isn't swooning a little bit

Awkwardest. Cuddle. Ever.

If These Dolls Could Talk - 4 of 4 - Top Five Creepiest Moments

So, this episode was so over the top creepy that I had to share these moments with you. If you had been on the Twitter with Ann, Lauren and I on Monday, you would have seen our reactions to these. They were mostly "WTF!"

5. Melissa + Garrett K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Creepy because she's such a bitch and because he's so darn skeezy and stalkery. And they were both in Alison's room the night she was "killed"

4. SHE IS NOT ACTUALLY BLIND.

Girlfriend has magical lips, because moments before killing a fly and showing us she can totally see, Jenna was cleaning off her lipstick. So this is her natural lip colour? I can't wait for this girl to make bitchfaces.

3. Payment in creepy lollipops

This kid is straight up Damian, Children of the Corn, Flowers in the Attic creepy. His only payment from A for being so creepy to the Liars? A giant creepy lollipop. My guess is that he grows up to be a serial killer. Or an A.

2. The Doll Hospital

For so many reasons. Not just the flower in the attic kid who peers out the window at the Liars.

1. The Murdered Little Liar Doll.

You're trying to avoid nightmares after this doll talks to you (if only I knew how to make a gif of the creepiness!). A, you have gone too far - because now I'm scared to watch with the lights out. Also, I don't expect that Murdered Little Liar Doll will be a hit during the holidays.

It's no wonder it garnered the following reactions.

Although, nice jacket, Ems. You may veer towards boring, but you always bring it with the leather jackets. And I know you're kind of fearing for your life and all, but I'd like to take a moment to say cute t-shirt.

Yeah, that would be the reactions your YKYLF staffers had on the Twitter on Monday. Sheer terror thanks to one seriously creepy doll.

And with that, let the countdown begin to A-Day and getting the pants scared off of us. Shit's about to get real. Because as Ali would say:

Mini Recap: If These Dolls Could Talk

Dolls, dolls, dolls everywhere. CREEPY. Ali "returning" from the dead. CREEPier. Mona kissing Caleb. CREEPiest! Ok, well that wasn't really for real but it was still super hard to watch! Then Ezra loses his job and has to go back to his parental units...sad. But then Garrett gets arrested. Yes, as in the cuffs are slapped on his wrist. WHAT?! This episode was pure nutso. 

Drama-rama du jour
Dolls, girl back from the dead, Ezra leaving town, Mona + Caleb smooching. It was all dramz to the wallz!    

Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness
EZRA! Thank you for the gooey, romantic moment with Aria. ::sigh::

Best Outfit
While Hanna's python-print blazer is a little ::WHOA::, she works it with a bright colored top and skinny jeans. Tres appropriate. 

Best 'A' Message
"Hey Han, you sharing everything with your BFF, even your BF?"  

Current 'A' Suspect
Garrett was arrested. Is he A?? Is it actually Melissa?? Gahhhh. I need to know! 

L-A is giving us the low-down on Aria's sheer skirt catastrophe on Thursday!