90210: You Can't Win 'Em All

It's a little hard to relate to people like Naomi who spend thousands of dollars on a birthday party for a nephew and niece they've never met. Of course, there's a perfect explanation for it — Mark is in jail because Annie's book revealed her slut days and a former lover decided to get revenge by planting cocaine in Mark's bag. Naomi decided that planning a huge party will distract Mark's children from the fact that he's missing their birthday and he can keep his custody. The fact that this is a real situation is mind-boggling in itself, but there was some competition for the leading story — baby-mama Michaela spent the entire episode trying to annoy Silver, only to run away from home. Navid and Adrianna are now having sex again (this will probably end well), and Liam went on a downhill spiral by being a man whore and basically drinking beer in his leather jacket for the entire episode. Oh and deciding to move to Australia in the last 30 seconds of the show. Also, sketchy how Naomi's new boy toy is weirdly controlled by his mother. Something fishy is bound to pop up soon, and we only have two episodes left!

The Daring Ladies

Naomi's jail visit was good practice for the future, when she's the rich, fashionable wife of a convict who struts into jail and wows all the other inmates. 

Okay... focus. She wore a beautiful red and black patterned suit that made my jaw drop. Anyone else wearing that would have looked ridiculous, but as per usz, Naomi pulled out a statement necklace, amazing hair products, A BEAUTIFUL CORAL BAG THAT WASN'T SHOWN ENOUGH, and a bold attitude. Voila! The perfect outfit for work, brunch, or jail.

Also, quote of the week, courtesy of Naomi Clarke: "Ok, Annie was a hooker and my rap sheet is like a mile long. We still love you." It's so good to be accepting of family members.

Golf claps to Annie for stepping out of the box with this outfit, but I'm confused by the distribution of the pattern. Half on the front, half on the back? A little bizarre, but hey! It's a style. And the silk material of the shirt was just darrrrling.

Adrianna went a little less modern than her girlfriends, and opted for decades day instead. First she wore Renaissance, mustard-colored, flower-patterened curtains, followed by a Little House on the Prairie frock. I undecided on the lilac dress. Is it feminine and pretty or did flower girl go a leeetle crazy with a pair of scissors? I do appreciate the length and bottom of the dress though, even if her boobs look like two bags of sand.

I'd really like a drumroll for Silver's outfit below, because...BAM! I don't know if it's because I watched this episode very late at night and because I'm writing this very early in the morning, but I LOVE THIS OUTFIT. Seriously. It's so daring, so original, so...chic. And of course Silver had a beautiful long, statement necklace that totally contrasted with the pattern to match with it because as we have discussed before, she is Queen of Accessories.

I hate to focus so much on Silver because she's kind of been a huge ass, but I must admit she showcased some stellar outfits. First off, the top below? Adorbs! Just Silver's style and, of course, paired with an interesting chain necklace. I'm ticked they didn't show the skirt more, but I can just tell I'm in love with it anyway. So artsy. So Silver.

More Alice + Olivia...

 

So, was she done? Please, not even. Silver next knocked it out of the park with a sheer maxi skirt and beautiful wedged leather sandals. I need these, pronto. The green bag was a little Polly Pocket for me, and it distracted a little from the gorgeous outfit she had planned. I would have chosen a studded tote bag or small leather clutch, but Silver never invites me over to play dress-up.

Boys, boys, boys...

Dixon went back to his button-down-over-a-tee default (which I personally don't dislike) but the ombre...oh hell no.

Liam wore a leather jacket and a bra on his shoulder (to be classy?) and then his Corporate Invaders costume for the childrens' birthday party (hey, it's for the kids).

I was silently hoping Mark's jail experience would spur a come-to-Jesus moment re: his overuse of hair products, but no. Hair gel TO THE MAX in or out of jail! I mean, really? Isn't your emergency stash of Dippity-doo one of the things they collect and make you put in that manilla envelope, only to be seen again when you check out?

Naomi's boytoy Jordan did manage to bring us one decent men's outfit, although sadly, I could only get this blurry shot. Sure, he looks ready to golf or attend to a casual business brunch, and I can dig that.

Plus we got another look at Naomi's phenomenal suit.

Navid also blew me away this week — no more plaid! A classy button-up, NO TATTERED JEANS, and THESE SHOES. No wonder Adrianna's back with him!

The Invisible Guest

You guys, there was a party on 90210 this week yet...there was no musical guest! I am highly disappointed that Naomi's extravagant b-day party didn't include a surprise performance by Rihanna, Beyoncé, etc.

Naomi's Crazy Scheme of the Week

Naomi's whole "bust Mark our of prison" plan did not go according to plan (raise your hand if you're shocked), but we did get to see her try really hard in a princess dress. I'll give full credit because I'm nice like that. And Mark did get out, so gold stars all around!

Somehow, this seemed like a totally normal look for her, which scared me. How on earth could someone look decent wearing this? I'm honestly perplexed. Maybe I like Naomi too much to be snark on her fairy princess attire. That must be it.

Right, so, Mark got out. And his lawyer may be a character we'll never see again, which is a shame, because both her outfits were so very Naomi-esque. And peep that hair! Can we keep her, please?

Also, check out Naomi in a wonderful cut-out Opening Ceremony dress, Dixon in plaid (ugh) and MARK IN A SUIT OMG YAY!

Dramz of the Week

While everyone was worrying about Mark in jail, Michaela had to deal with Silver wanting her to stay home and be a good baby-mama vs. Dixon wanting her to go on tour. In the end, she ran away from both of them (with the baby) so I'm guessing Silver's stress level has passed 100%.

Michaela's outfits were not as detailed as the other girls, but I appreciate her efforts to join the 90210 community. The vest to the right is perfect to fit her hair color! Guys, she's learning. Too bad we'll probably never see her again.

This is my last 90210 recap, so I'm going to end with my personal fave, Naomi. Her dress has me fiending for springtime, and florals, and sandals, and basically living in California. Yet the structured doctor's bag and gladiator heels give it a bit of an edge, just like my girl.

Gonna miss you and your crazy schemes, you nutty biatch.

90210: The Empire State Strikes Back

In Which Everything Falls Apart. Again.

I suppose if you’re inching toward cancellation, you might as well shake everything up and deepen that dramz spiral for Naomi and the rest of her hapless crew. At least her Crazy Scheme of the Week gave us a trip to NYC! Annie is just about finally drop that awful "Author X" moniker but first she has to tell Dixon (who unjustly freaks out), Liam (who has some merit to being pissed), Naomi (who’s thrilled), and deal with Old Man Patrick’s threats. Of course, that’s just the core of the dramz we’re treated to this week. Let’s peel back the layers.

So Many Good Intentions

Adrianna shouldn’t look so horrified waking up next to Navid. First off, she’s wearing a super cute bra — which never hurts the confidence — and secondly, she could have done worse. OK, the last time she was hooking up with Navid shit got a little crazy between her and Silver. Although, she did help Michaela write an unrequited love song about Navid this week, and since Michaela also wants some Shirazi-time while being Silver’s baby oven...alright, so we can just deal with this next week.

But how adorbs was this 80s style geometric print on Adrianna? It’s like she’s finally found that happy medium between her polished sundress look and the far-too-casual styles she’s been known to serve. And it’s giving you one of my favourite colours — orange! Seriously, play with more orange this summer, it’s so cute right now.

Michaela’s looks this week weren’t exactly show-stoppers, but Original Mama Silver certainly knew what she was working with. On the left, you’ve got some Classic Erin Silver with an athletic tee dressed up by fitted pants, layered jackets and a big ol’ necklace. It’s casual but I wouldn’t shade her for wearing it to a nice lounge for drinks, and I love me some draped gold jewelry. 

Yet on the right, Silver is bringing her artsy, West Coast style to NYC with a fish coat! It’s a lot of look, but I’m enjoying it and you know why? Her hair. Any other hairstyle would make this look juvenile as hell, but on a sexy pizza date with the ruggedly handsome chef, it’s slick as all hell.

PRAISE THE LORD! Annie’s out of the cashmere and merino sweaters and has welcomed light, breezy fashion into her life! The change has been gradual, but this grassy green maxi and the sharp white blouse with lace peeps is the end result I’ve been waiting for. Oh, and let’s chat about that necklace because yellow glass is so gorgeous.

This is the perfect “I’m still innocent, really!” outfit to break the news to Dixon that she was a call girl while he was in rehab. It’s all about contrasts, y’all.

After the family confessions, Annie decides to go public as Author X. I’m just glad they’re going to stop using that cliché pen name. She seems to be on the receiving end of some beaucoup shade from the PA and Nancy O’Dell. Sure, the dress looks like a sheet set from Anthropologie three years ago, but who are these ladies to be hatin'? Nancy O’Dell, you’ve haven’t changed that layered weave for years — sit down.

In typical 90210 fashion, Annie’s fame and recognition is instantaneous and she’s confronted by Patrick when leaving the NYC hotel. He makes the typical macho threats and, as you can see, she ain’t shook none in her indigo Peter Pan collar with tassels. Yes, tassels!

Annie had a good reason for going to New York, but why are Naomi, Silver and Mark there as well? Because you can’t have a travel episode without bringing Naomi (obvs), and it’s part of her Crazy Scheme of the Week (which I’ll get to). I’m not wild for the patterned skirt here as Naomi kidnaps her family using her private jet as leverage. The emerald bag, however, is doing its job and getting some windmill snaps.

OK, this is after they come back from NYC, but I had to include it because that BCBG colorblock dress is championship material. The stark contrast, the fit, the structured details...if you can emulate this, you’ll own the summer.

Boys On The Run

So Dixon finally knows how Annie paid for his rehab stint. As to be expected, he got all angsty and punched the wall while Annie sobbed like a B-movie actress. Dixon’s never been my favourite, but I have to give him credit for stepping away from the button-up/graphic t-shirt routine and into something almost stylish. The Santa-Fe shirt with the grey sweater is just fine by me. I’d wear it myself if it didn’t remind me of every shirt I owned from the ages of 6-9.

The navy blazer with the plaid looks like someone tried to dress up their fav Hollister shirt for a first date. Maybe since Michaela shot him down, Dixon is trying to step up his game?

Navid and Liam have two issues right now: that annoying as hell Cronus stuff, and the surfboard company. While they attempt to foil the frat brothers by setting up a fairly pedestrian cheating scheme, Navid and Liam also begin courting a spokesperson for their boards. Specifically, this angry young teen.

You know, I get that a surfboard company has a relaxed identity, but I might have worn something a little more professional to the meeting, guys. A henley and a wrinkled shirt? What the hell.

While those boys keep Casual Fridays alive on the west coast, Mark goes GQ for his trip to The Big Apple. I’m sure I’ve seen Zac Efron or Channing Tatum throw these shapes in magazines from last year, but Mark’s a bit of a late bloomer. It’s the only way I can explain that hair. How much product do you think he uses? I bet it’s just Dippity-Doo gel, not even a clay or paste.

What I found most shocking was that in her efforts to Eliza Doolittle her brother, Naomi fitted Mark for a ribbed tuxedo shirt. Ribbed bordering on ruffled from what I can see. That ain’t kosher, sister.

Naomi’s Crazy Scheme of the Week

What would you do, as a rational, sane person, if your crush told you that his fearsome mother was holding a high-society fundraiser on the other side of the country? Personally, I’d stay home and invite her out for some expensive sushi the next time she was in town (which is hopefully never). Of course, Naomi followed the other path and flew her friends and family to NYC to attend said fundraiser and impress the mother. The Sex and the City jokes were a’flying once they touched down, but just peep on these looks:

Stylish. Fierce. Chic. No one travels better than Naomi Clark. Annie seems to have dipped into Adrianna’s closet, although I like the gold. Silver is serving you West Coast Art School Style, although those knee-patches are just a touch too much. But who’s looking at them when a jungle cat in grey with a canary yellow bag is stomping the house down?

Their fundraiser looks are equally as eye-popping, especially Annie’s caftan-inspired aquamarine dress. Take note — a plunging neckline needs a plunging necklace. Silver’s a little more muted than I expected, but still quite chic while Naomi’s silken floral dress is simply stunning. Even more stunning when the CW logo isn’t being rude as all hell, but I digress.

More Ella Moss...

 

When Jordan was all, “my mom’s a scary ass B,” I was dying to know who would play her. 90210 casting, I take my hat off to you for giving Robin Givens some screen time. She is a stone cold carter and one of very few people who could make Naomi shake in her heels. The red dress is very DC apropos, but the hair says, “Gurl, don’t step to this."

As far as first impressions, Naomi didn’t exactly bowl Cheryl over with charm. And after Mark’s sexy auction offer, the interrogation continued in the hotel room where Cheryl pulled a total crazy mom move and yanked all of Naomi’s police records.

Yeah, I’d be knee deep in a bottle too, gurl.

Guess the British Pop Star!

Silver’s pretty much shut down Michaela’s music career, so this week we’re treated to a visit from Olly Murs! I’ll be honest, even after Googling and YouTubing, I still didn’t know who he was. I like the plain, subtle look he’s got, especially the hat. I know, the hip hats are basically over, but it works on stage and he’s got the proper face shape to pull it off. 

Dramz of the Week

I bet you’re like, “didn’t we just cover all that?” Well, you’d be right...sort of. Like I said, everything we just chatted about made up the layers that covered the core dramz of the week which was...

Mark getting arrested for cocaine possession!

Yeah, turns out after revealing her thinly veiled biography and identity to the world, Annie put her family and friends in danger. Oh, and when Patrick threatened her? Well, he totally followed through. I’m sure he meant for Annie’s bag to have the cocaine, but her recently discovered half-brother works just as well. Liam also lost his spokesperson because the girl’s mom found out he’s the infamous “Leo”. Basically, Annie’s thrown everyone into a shame spiral but it doesn’t matter because Naomi wore this insane pant suit to dinner and no one batted an eyelash.

Normally, I’d be worried how a television show could wrap up all these loose ends before a series finale in three weeks, but this is 90210. I mean, Annie’s last boyfriend died tragically off screen and she cried for five minutes, then started blogging about being a call girl. Circle of life, you know?

90210: Life's a Beach

This week, a major catfight occurred between Annie and Naomi, and you guys, it was so exciting. Nothing like a squabble over what's best for your long-lost half-bro, I say. Liam started a new business (for the fourteenth time) that makes surf boards for women (so...basically a plan to have sex with every surfer chick ever?), and then hooked up with his one and only investor (so...yes). Silver surprised Dixon with a music video on the beach for Michaela, which led to huge success for the rising singer. But that storyline is about to take a turn because MICHAELA IS OFFICIALLY PREGNANT! We're sure her next move is to quietly shelve her music dreams and stay home eating flax seed, right?

Welcome back to California, ladies!

The girls finally got back into bathing suits and beachwear, which I'd been missing A WHOLE LOT. We need to start with Adrianna, the girl who makes a Robin Piccone crochet bathing suit work. Please tell me how this is even possible.

The wierd tan lines, tho.

For her gig as a shot girl, Ade dons just a few more inches of clothing to resemble a 60s beach bar waitress. That intense belt is made me twitch a little. I'm also not a huge fan of the "Gnarly Girl" shirt, (which she wore while Annie and Naomi called her a whore in front of everyone), and she paired it with yet another utility belt. Honey, drop the belt(s). Please. I don't care if they're functional.

Naomi also seems to know that bathing suits fit her best. Flawless as always, she paired her red bikini top with these printed Derek Lam pants. I waited for her to burst out into belly dancing, but I think I was a little too optimistic.

Rounding out the fab four is Annie, who took a wrong turn at Coachella and ended up at the beach. It's a little Aladdin, a little hipster, a little American Apparel with an edge, and has a few dabs of vintage.

Plus beach hair, obvs.

So I was all pleased with Annie, and then Silver made those nice warm feelings go away. It's like...she's a runaway cowgirl bride who got trapped in a thrift shop in the middle of Texas and had to use whichever cloth nearest to her to create a disguise. If I tell myself this enough, I'll believe it. I just cannot look at this outfit and see how Silver thought it was a good idea.

The Beach Boys

Again, let me reiterate how friggin' excited I am that the crew is doing summer activities again. Like, I live in NYC and I need to get my Cali fantasy on. It's been a while since we saw a surf party, right?

So, the boys are all strolling down the beach, talking about girls, and looking very attractive as always. Actually, Navid made me laugh — instead of looking like a cool surfer dude, he carried swim fins and wore baggy swim trunks. Tisk, tisk Navid! Just look at Liam in his wetsuit. Wear one, I promise you'll look better.

Even this beautiful lady agrees with me. Within 2 minutes of talking to Liam, she decided to a) buy a surf board from him, b) invest in his company (???), and c) date/bang him. I'm not sure what to think of this woman, but she can rock a bathing suit so I'll refrain from judging her for now.

Speaking of Liam, THANK YOU 90210 for the gratiutous male shirtlessness.

Rawr.

Yet another crazy concert... on the beach!

Baby mama Michaela filmed a music video on the beach as part of a flash mob. As you do. She's so cute, talented, and sweet that something bad will probably happen to her soon, but I'm going to enjoy her presence for now. Only problem: she taking fashion tips from Silver. The reddish reptile skirt needs to be burned, and so does the Aztec beaded shirt. Please.

Naomi's Crazy Scheme of the Week

With Max out of the picture (I guess?) and the restaurant underway, Naomi turned her energies to meddling with her friends' lives. Deciding she didn't want her brother moving to New York, she tried to set him up with Adrianna, against Annie's wishes. Although this scheme was a little lame for Ms. Clark, Naomi impressed me by pulling off three wonderfully bold articles of clothing: a mustard-colored maxi skirt, a very intense printed top, and a statement necklace.

Of course, she looked completely fabulous in this trio that I could never pull off myself. It's all "I'm a working girl but sometimes just lie around my house looking fabulous and creating fun projects for myself such as setting up my brother and bff".

Because Naomi had SOOOO much to do this episode, she changed her outfit four times. Not that I'm complaining. This zebra-print top and pink jeans! Genius! And her hair reminds me of an American Girl doll's. I was always so jealous of how those dolls could have perfect hair for weeks on end, and now I've transferred that envy to Naomi.

More Dorothy Perkins...

Annie equally had a fascinating ::cough:: story line this week (bitch fight with Naomi during the entirety of the episode), so she likewise had a minute to pull out cute little outfits.

#1 - a cozy cashmere seater and little black skirt combo. Always my fave.

And #2, a little bolder with this flower print red dress with nude heels (so chic), paired with a gold necklace. She never misses the accessories memo.

Dramz of the week

Naomi may have called Adrianna a whore in front of her face and completely ignored other people's emotions, but the real issue is that she wore the necklace below. It's like she joined Silver in the horrifying Texas thrift shop and found a necklace the size of my laptop. Which she wore with a shirt draped like curtains. I am thoroughly confused at the situation, but this color is marvelous on her, so I'll just focus all my attention on that.

Silver also wore a questionable necklace this week, but I'll let it pass because it fits her boho look. Adrianna may have kept the accessories on the DL this week, but she made up for it with a bold printed red top and matching lipstick. You go girl!

And we all know why Ade did that... because this beautiful man was cooking for her and feeding her and she was blindfolded and swoon. He dresses like Teddy, is sweet like Dixon, well-built like Liam, and has DIMPLES. You guys, I can't even.

Sir, your hotness is causing quite a stir among our ladies, so we may need you to step back for a while so they don't go crazy and wear curtains as dresses and jewelry the size of the moon for the remaining episodes of this season series.

(Um, yeah. Did you hear the cancellation news?)

90210: Strange Brew

Were you inspired to follow your dreams this week? You must have been, unless you’re dead on the inside because not one, not two, but everyone (except Navid, obviously) decided this was the time to get their shit together! Naomi is inching closer to having a brother in Mark — even if her restauranteur skills are not as polished as her wardrobe. Silver and Adrianna finally decide what to do with their taco truck dream-mobile by becoming traveling documentary filmmakers, and they have Dixon to thank. Speaking of him, he’s producing Michaela’s music while Liam tried his hand at brewing his own beer. Oh, and Annie? Yeah, she’s hot for Liam and praise The CW for adding fuel to that sexual inferno.

Dressed To Kill (Your Retinas)

Another week brings another collection of bland sweaters from Annie. The ivory sweater with knit details is pretty cute, and pairing it with a simple black skirt makes said details pop. Plus, when you compare it with the pillow case Annie clearly stole from the sale bin at Marimekko, the black/white combo wins hands down. Maybe this is how Annie imagine writers to dress? Maybe she thinks sweaters and the world’s smallest colour palette are her future? Maybe the YKYLF team needs to check her reality...

OHMYGOD. Naomi Clark is wearing denim. She’s wearing denim and it looks like she took it from the 1999 section of her (what I assume to be) labyrinthine closet. Naomi, girlfriend, if denim is your laundry day sweatpant equivalent, why not have a pair from this decade? If this is what manual labour does to our runway-ready Naomi, I don’t ever want to see her lift anything heavier than a clipboard or tablet. My god, even her hair is suffering! I feel like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol — "Spirit, no more of the ghastly visions!"

I totally made that same trying-not-to-bust face when I saw Silver in her backwards hat. Let’s just pretend it never happened and chalk that one up to experimentation. This week was definitely a return to form for Silver, although we didn’t get any fantastic camera angles to explore the fashion. However, I do enjoy boho paisley pants she’s wearing while serving some serious Art School Ennui. They’re like high fashion Zubaz – perfect for dwelling on the fact that your surrogate has needs and wants outside of carrying your child. 

Here’s a great H-to-T of the ladies this week. While not sporting one of her flared and fitted dresses, Adrianna maintains that silhouette with super cute floral skirt and slick black cardigan. Silver’s look is a mix of casual and professional, but I must put my foot down on the shoes. Whatever they are. Mules? Skechers? Trail runners? Actually, I’m not thrilled with Annie’s footwear either, but I’ve got to throw her some snaps for trying to branch out into new earth tones.

So, which one of the ladies stood out this week? Well, you may be surprised that it’s... Annie! Yes, her final outfit for a publisher meeting was just outstanding. I had to piece it together (thanks for nothing, CW), but just peep those shoes. Emerald wedges and metallic straps? Perfection. This might be the tightest coordination I’ve seen from Annie. From the moss green skirt to the gorgeous forest green leather bag, it’s working 9 to 5 from head to toe.

More Theory...

 

The Category With A Clear Winner

OK, let’s just get these Cronus losers out of the way. Navid, you’ve never been my favourite (let’s not even talk about that unfortunate hair swoop you used to have), but you can do better than this whiney trust fund kid who still thinks two-toned long sleeve shirts are stylish.

Also, I think their jean cuffs are trying to swallow their legs. This is just a failure on so many levels.

But (as I said) praise the CW because this week’s episode should have been titled "Liam’s Topless Adventure". Are there any other words to share? The man is a modern day Grecian sculpture. And yes, I may be falling into hyperbole because PECS, but I think I’m allowed.

I will say, Liam is a poster child for cognitive therapy because he seems totally over his PTSD and ready to follow his seconds-old dream of owning a microbrewery. Because remember, this week’s lesson is to follow your dreams, no matter how contrived or poorly thought out.

Ade & Silver's Scheme Which Could Rival Naomi's

Oh yeah, these two spend the whole episode scheming what to do with their dream-mobile. Look at those faces — they’re about to set the world on fire. I was totally digging these looks (save for the backwards hat experiment) and wish we could have seen more. Silver’s tye-dyed halter was an interesting pairing with the ripped jeans, and frankly I’m just curious to see the shape of Adrianna’s dress.

After a quick chat with Dixon, Silver takes his recommendation and decides the dream-mobile will become their Documentary Truck. Because you know, a pair of young, inexperienced filmmakers with lots of cash looking to tell the story of everyday citizens to get a glimpse of "Real America" hasn’t been done before. Just look how serious they are!

Naomi’s Crazy Scheme of the Week

As wacky as the Documentary Truck may be, no one out-crazies Naomi. First, let’s just enjoy these fashions that are: 1) not denim and 2) not flared within an inch of their life. Naomi’s pants this week may have been an optical illusion, but they also complemented her saffron blouse beautifully. Only this woman could pull off couture while serving a restaurant full of annoyed patrons. Of course, this is also the woman whose withcraft makes her look curvy in horizontal stripes opposed to shapeless.

Continuing in her quest to make Mark love her like a sister, Naomi takes our handsome new friend to an amusement park, where she discovers he doesn’t like to solve problems with money, buys his clothes at garage sales, and generally lives a lifestyle completely opposite to hers. I hope they don’t get stuck on a gigantic ferris wheel hours before their restaurant opens! (Ahem. Spoiler alert.)

"Welcome to My Delusion": Music by Michaela

Huh, I had no idea that Nana’s bloomers were a thing again. Fashion is so cyclical, y’all! But for serious, what is with those floral boyfriend shorts? Are they silk? They certainly don’t work with that Flashdance collar. Let’s be real: Michaela is going to cause some monumental drama, but I think it’s safe to say that once she delivers Silver’s baby, it will all wash away as if it never happened. Unless she kidnaps the baby. Which could easily happen. But maybe she’ll be too busy with her burgeoning music career! I like the red polk-dot number, but girlfriend is definitely going to need a stylist.

Dramz of the Week

With all the following of dreams and life realizations, you wouldn’t think there was time for the dramz, but our friends did not disappoint. This week’s dramz were less kidnappy/druggy and more sexy/makey-outey. Basically, Annie’s getting a serious case of the vapours from Liam, and I don’t blame her for one second. However, it’s causing her some emotional distress so she turns into a bitchy roommate while pouring her sexual frustrations into her book.

I enjoy that she made a fuss over being anonymous while every moment and character in her book is a thinly veiled recreation of her life and friends. Annabelle and Leo? COME ON, GIRL.

At any rate, it gave us some sexy scenes between the two and made Publisher Amanda all steamy. Of course, she may also have been suffocating under that hideous throw rug she’s passing off as a jacket. Amanda, listen to me carefully: burn. that. now.

You know, I’m feeling inspired to follow my own dreams after this episode. Most of dreams involve wine, pizza and a beach filled with (partially clothed) attractive people. Since I’m currently two-thirds of the way there, I’ll consider my dreams essentially fulfilled. This is better than Oprah's Life Class!

90210: #realness

It was interesting to see a hashtag for the title of this episode, especially since "realness" is a word I use on the regular. However, I saw no realness this week, unless we’re counting the "Why Don’t You Just Shut Up For Five Minutes And Process What’s Happening!" realness. Silver and Teddy still have baby dramz which could easily be solved if they stopped posturing over who wants this baby more. Adrianna and Dixon? I can’t even go there with these two. First, she thinks of the most batshit crazy schemes to get fired, and he’s working on a legitimate plan that could solve both of their problems, but only passes information to Adrianna via cryptic (and sassy) text messages. I had hope for Naomi and Max, but they don’t seem to realize that if they’re totes in love – which is pretty clear after their sexy science romp – being far apart from each other could still work. But, our friends of Beverly Hills never aspired to be rational people, just emotional messes. And that works just fine for me.

Ladies Serving “Hot Couture” Realness

Is there anything more fierce than seeing these four women stomp their hearts out on a shopping trip? Sure, Silver is wearing a black smock that belongs in a pottery class, but the rest of the gals are giving you everything. Annie’s sticking with the belted, beige-y sweater dresses and at this point, I can’t even shade her anymore. If that’s what you love, werk it out. However, if you stand next to Naomi in her gorgeous peacock-inspired tweed dress and necklace, you’re going to be left behind.

Right, can we talk about Naomi’s bag? I would do mildly embarrassing stunts to have that; nothing trashy thought because let’s be real, it’s a bag. I love when Adrianna goes for a classic look, because it inevitably looks like a costume. Not that I don’t enjoy the ornate skirt pattern, or her chunky accessories, but it looks like she’s a Broadway version of a sexy secretary. Can you say SHOWWWWBIZZZZ!

Silver brought her usual hipster/boho/hippie/Venice Beach style to the party, although it was a little bland. I’ll be flat out honest and say I loathe her Santa Fe sweater. I’ve always hated that pattern/aesthetic, and I had hoped it died after Coachella this year. The black paneled denim with the studded top looked great – in a Shania Twain music video 15 years ago.

And I don’t want to come off prudish, but I think if you’re going to meet the potential mother of your child, you’d wear something that doesn’t look like it’s washed a dozen muddy Jeeps. Overall, Silver needs to step up her game and get back to the envelope pushing style we love her for.

After shopping in beige, Annie decided to have one outfit change this week, but don’t you worry – she didn’t stray far! If you look close enough, that is indeed a rabbit pattern on her sweater, which is a cute surprise. I just love that this girl, who would be the most boring character ever if she wasn’t thrown into an emotional cataclysm every week, is being touted as the next “50 Shades of Grey”. Oh, you work as a high-class prostitute for a few episodes and all of a sudden you’re a sexpert? Disagree. Denied. 

That being said, I can’t wait for the episode where everyone finds out “Author X” is Annie. Although, I’ll be sad if no one reads her for that awful pseudonym.
 

Serving "Bland and Boring" Realness

Oh, Navid and Teddy... you’re breaking my heart. If your fashion choices were a food, they’d taste like plain, undercooked pasta with white Wonder Bread as the appetizer. Talk about serving bland realness. Why not try something outside of the brown-grey spectrum? Sure, it’s not technically summer, but you live in Beverly Hills. Take a hint from the girls, please!

Max, like the rest of the fellas, has never been a fashion plate, but did anyone else fall in love with his Mad Scientist look? Points for being super adorable and geeky. I totally understand why Naomi loves this dork so much.

I was shocked to see Dixon pull off something stylish and current this week. Sure, it was only featured on a half-screen shot for less than a minute, but these quick glimpses of his ombré cardigan were fantastic. I love the colours, and I especially loved the fit. It can be hard to get a properly fitting cardigan when you’re a boy; something about the shoulders never works for me. I hope this is a sign of things to come, but I also pray Dixon’s fashion choices won’t fall into the partial view wasteland that Ashley from Revenge is all too familiar with.

The fist bump heard around the West Coast! Liam was totally sexy in his football uniform this week. Very All-American boy. His other fashion choices were the usual black/grey sweater or chambray shirt, but I figured his special moment with Terrell Owens deserved a shout out. 

Oh, and it was refreshing to see that Liam’s PTSD is actually taking root and making him a human, opposed to the efficient emotional processing machines of Pretty Little Liars. Now if he could just deal with his problems in a healthy manner instead of Rich Kid Fight Club.

Naomi’s Crazy Scheme of the Week

Alright, your marriage feels like it’s falling to pieces – what do you do? If you’re Naomi Miller-Clark, you keep your estranged husband near you at all times, plan to join him on every charity event you have scheduled, and sleep with him after a rousing scene with a baking soda volcano. With Naomi’s personal life seemingly falling apart, her wardrobe choices have also been all over the map. Like I said earlier, I am living for the peacock green dress with a statement necklace that looks like is was ripped from a cave wall. That’s classic Naomi – flashy, yet classy.

However, her all black science outfit doesn’t feel right. I think Naomi needs to be in colour all the time to match her personality. Oh, and let’s keep her away from Silver’s closet because a floppy fedora should never touch that head again. The blouse and wooden accessories are perfectly suited for event planning, but that hat looks like she found it under a bridge.

Serve That "Musical Rebellion" Realness

Again, we’re treated to a musical performance from Adrianna at some podunk event that seems to have the worst PR management (sorry, Naomi). Frankly, Adrianna took a page out of Naomi’s Crazy Scheme Playbook this week since she’s now resorted to petty theft and nudity to crack her contract with Dixon. I mean, thank god she’s not an actress anymore because her shoplifting skills were atrocious. Be more obvious, Showy McTheftpants. Though, I enjoyed her little smirk when she was caught – she’s such a bad girl.

Dixon, however, seems to be a competent manager and got the store to keep all hush-hush, which meant Adrianna had to pull out all the stops. And her best Bea Arthur sparkling top. And her bellybutton ring. Oh, and her breasts.

You know, she’s definitely at fault for going from zero to certifiable in the blink of an eye, but I think if Dixon gave her more info like, "Dress nice tonight because the record exec in the audience wants to sign you," that may have tipped the scales in their favour.

Dramz of the Week

Hey, we’ve been treated to a double dose of dramz! First, let’s chat about Silver and Teddy’s potential baby mama, McKayla. Side note: I’m sure her name is spelled Michaela, but I’m giving props to McKayla Maroney, y’all. Anyway, she seems like a cute, unassuming, empathetic red head who loves animal print. Basically, everything I’d want in my surrogate. However, she did make out with Navid over several tequila shots, and considering how hormonal Silver is without being preggers, I can’t imagine this is going to go over well. 

Then we have The Producer. She doesn’t need a name because she’s just a producer who wants to launch Liam’s career. I mean, talk about boring! Jokes aside, this is a fierce and stylish broad. Just clock that green marbled blazer with those sickening leather pants. It’s totally a New York Fashion Week look, and I’m dying out loud. The hair could use some work so she doesn’t have that Tegan & Sara mullet that was cool two years ago, but other than that, I declare this lady to be flaw-free. It’s a shame Liam ditched their studio meeting to beat the shit out of some rich kids.

So, will Liam abandon his movie career to run a bar and live a secret life as a cage fighter? Because, I’ve watched The OC and that didn’t work out so well for Ryan Atwood. This episode left some loose ends so I’m hoping they make an attempt at trying to tie them up next week. Between Naomi and Max, Adrianna’s contract trouble, and Silver demanding to be a mom at twenty, I think I’m coming down with some 90210PTSD