Dear lord, these 90210 people have gone nuts. Everyone was drunk, crazy, or a nice combination of the two throughout the entire episode. Naomi hosted a party at a winery (oh dear) in order to create a new, acceptable image for her and Max as a couple. Silver decided to have a baby with Teddy, then proceeded to get sloshed and tried to kiss him. Dixon's accident landed him in a wheelchair, and Annie's constant help and attention towards him pissed him off so he kicked her out (ouch). Adriana saw Taylor, the hot club guy from Vegas, kissed him, then slapped him. Navid brought "adult film stars" to Naomi's classy party, while Vanessa, the most psychotic person ever, blackmailed Liam with a video from the bar fire and announced their engagement to everyone without notifying Liam himself. Following this, she fell off a balcony while arguing with Liam. How convenient.
Everyone needs a Naomi to look up to. She casually strides around her house in a bathing suit making out with her perfect husband. I am not a fan of the many straps and rings on her bathing suit (can you imagine the tan lines?), but I approve of it for lounging.
Speaking of her A+ husband, it would be nice to have one of these lying around on my couch:
The cute smile..the fitted pants...the cozy v-neck... Oh Max, you're just the ideal husband. (And I mustn't forget the most important accessory - his new wedding ring).
His associate, on the other hand, scares me. You know the cheap lawyers who post ads on the subway? Yeah, they wear suits like the olive nightmare below. Naomi, do not let your husband go to Japan with men who dress like bad lawyers.
The outfit on the right...I can't even. We're moving on from this guy.
Navid is not doing any better in the wardrobe department. I was hoping that his earth-tone plaid shirts would somehow get lost with the remains of last season, but unfortunately someone must have alerted the stylist. Navid is back in plaid. When he decided to dress up to bring porn stars to a classy party, he chose a pimptastic white suit. Navid, what is wrong with you??
On a side note, just LOOK at Naomi's curls. They. are. unreal.
Annie's hair also looked amazing this week, but I'm more stunned by her ability to make these flower-printed shorts look good on her. Maybe it's the rest of the outfit I'm obsessed with -- a cute white top, discrete jewelry, and a studded bag. At any rate, nice job looking sharp on the outside, even when she was inwardly freaking out.
Someone who did NOT have good hair this week is Vanessa. This half-bun of epic proportions proceeded a weird Dracula hairdo. Her hair was gelled - GELLED - and held together by a blue brooch. Dislike.
Side note: Liam does "veiled disgust" so well.
I'm happy to see that despite the accident, Dixon still has style. No wheelchair is going to keep him down in the sartorial department! His neckbrace even looked like a scarf for most of the episode. Seriously. Squint your eyes and tell me I'm wrong.
Adrianna's cardigan had tiny, green, cute turtles on it. So adorbs!
Nevermind the casual attire, Dixon rocked this red suit even better. And doesn't he look like some sort of Pharoah with his faithful attendants in white?
"When Dixon was in Naomi's land. Let my Dixon go...."
Well, D might be working through all sorts of emotions, but he and Adriana still look like an old-fashioned Hollywood couple, thanks in no small part to Ade's "sophisticated in the front, party in the back" dress.
And these earrings! STUN-NING.
I was disappointed by Silver this week. I spent a long time trying to figure out her dress. It was so green, prom-like, and weirdly cut that I couldn't get over it. Maybe it needed a different fabric? A different pattern? Or is it the cut? All I know is we have a lost elf on our hands. No wonder she was hitting the bottle and suffering from Bad Decision Disease.
Teddy, on the other hand...well, I agree with Silver that he's a chisled Greek God. Or a blond angel dressed in light blue. Yes, I can see why he's her choice for Baby Daddy.
I found it strange that Silver managed to look horrible in her dress, yet beautiful in her two outfits she wore to lounge around at home and go to the doctor's. This girl was made for wearing sweaters. Leave the dresses to Adriana, ok?
And Teddy still looks godly in blue.
Meanwhile, I guess Vanessa got the memo that she looked fierce in red because that's all she wore to Naomi's party.
Even though her scarf/drape thing is a bit FLOTUS, I'm digging the red lipstick and dress combo. It's aggravating that she learned about good clothes the day that she died/disappeared/ran away.
This may be confusing, so just to briefly sum to up: Vanessa is in love with Liam, but he doesn't feel the same way. She had a videotape of Liam escaping the fire in his bar and not putting it out, so she used it as blackmail. In exchange, he has to learn to love her (ugh). She forced him to move in with her and they had angry sex in her living room, but then they went to Naomi's party and Vanessa announced they were engaged. At this point, Liam had enough and they got into a fight and she fell off the blacony. To be continued...
Did you get all that? I wonder how man cans of Red Bull were consumed in the 90210 writer room when they came up with this arc.
I would feel bad leaving out the hostess after complimenting her guests, so here is Naomi Clark-Miller (Miller-Clark?) in a navel grazing Thakoon mosaic print dress for her "classy" wedding reception. Appropriateness aside, I will say it fits her beautifully and she killed it with the accessories, as usual. It didn't hurt that she had a dapper husband who she could be cute with at her party.
But back to Naomi's guests. Annie, what's your secret? You're popping bottles like there's no tomorrow and I don't dectect even a hint of bloat. Nobody likes a sloppy drunk, especially when they're in a pretty dress like this one.
I'm so used to seeing the girls in long gowns/maxi dresses. It was weird to see them at the beach, right? I forgot how well they do bathing suits, like the colorblock and dainy prints below. Amateurs in tank suits need not apply.
Cute bathing suits aside, I sighed from relief when I saw Adriana wearing a sundress 'cause nobody does sundresses like Adriana. Have you ever seen her in a bad one? I'll answer that. No, you have not.
I'd like to state that despite my praise for Vanessa's earlier outfit, I am still not a fan of her usual choices. Her brown skirt was not flattering to begin with, but then she added a WOOL SWEATER CROPPED TOP, which should be banned in general. In another scene, her blue reptile-like shirt looked like part of her dad's pjs (actually it's by Elizabeth and James, but still).
I'm starting to hope she's truly gone and won't come back like something the sea coughed up, but we all know things don't get wrapped up so nicely on this show.
And don't get me wrong - it's not that I don't like crop tops in general. Behold, Naomi's hotnes to end the recap, as I save the best for last. I need her to text me back right now and tell me where she got those pants.
And this little number? Perfection. It's like boho hippie meets Aladdin meets Barbie.
And of course, the hair. We'd all watch this show just for her hair, right?