Well, here we are at the end of another season of this bananas delightful show. As per last year, most of the cast either died during the season or during this finale, leaving us questioning if anyone is left at all for season three? Related: there had better be a season three because we need to know what happens next in Sexy Elf Post-Apocalyptic Dystopia Wonderland. Anyway, at this point it’s basically impossible to remind anyone, even me, of what’s already happened. Bandon broke bad, the Warlock Lord looks like Al-Anon for some reason, everybody’s in stylishly distressed leather and let’s do this!
Oh, so last week ended with Mareth and Al-Anon in magic-proof collars, being burned at the stake. But in what I now can identify as a classic Shannara move, someone arrives at the start of this episode and rescues them. In this case, the rescuers are Garret Jax and Eretria (who is also maybe evil but I’m not sure?)
And Lyria, now wearing her dead mother’s Bigass Statement Pendent, is hiding away with all the rebels/refugees, sort of like in Thor: Ragnarok with the cave of Asgardian rebels/refugees. But instead of Idris Elba running the show, here’s it’s this guy.
Truly, did not realize when we first met Cogline in the season premiere we’d wind up with him as New Al-Anon, i.e. older mentor-type figure who knows all about what happened in the past. I was going to say this is Lyria’s first time meeting him but no, of course, she lived with him and Eretria between seasons and he pretended not to know she was the Princess. Or whatever.
Speak of the devil! Who may actually be possessed by a devil, or a devil herself? #notsure
Eretria and Lyria reunite and it’s all great and smooches and hugs, but in pretty short order The Best Female Character On TV, Eretria, starts brooding about her whole “possessed by a demon and also was descended from a long line of demons and may be in thrall to the Warlock Lord” scenario.
Lyria exhibits maybe the worst timing ever, combined with a definite lack of reading the room, and chooses this moment to propose marriage. Eretria’s like, “… I guess?”
They seal their commitment with a handful of rings for various parts of the finger joints, and the whole idea of these two as Co-Queens of All Humanity is so great, I can’t even. So long as Eretria can still scamper around in the woods with knives strapped to her cargo jeggings, backflip-kicking armies of orcs, etc.
MEANWHILE in a different cavern elsewhere, Bandon is beginning to realize that hinging his whole plan on resuscitating the Warlock Lork a.k.a. Evil-Anon, was Not His Best Idea.
And indeed, it was a pretty bad decison, though not as bad as when he decided here to try an kill an immortal demon/druid with Harry Potter level alohamora trickery. And we get the episode’s first death, and the season’s like 25th death, as Evil-Anon fully impales Bandon over his head.
It all happened so quickly I didn’t realize Bandon was actually dead. Lead characters usually get a bit more fanfare when they go, but in this case it was all sort of meh. Sorry, boo. Hope to peep dem abs soon on another show.
Also reuniting in Cogline’s underground lair are Wil and Mareth. Queen Malese Jow has clearly been spending some time in sword training, as she flaunts some serious skillz here. She’s mid-montage when Wil wanders in, and being the BAMF she is, she does not put down the sword.
So Wil gazes at her adoringly, and just when it looks like they may finally finally finally liplock, he’s like, “Oh bt-dubs, all the other elf royals are dead and/or trees so you’re the Queen of The Elves now in addition to being The Next Druid so like, congrats!”
AND THEN Al-Anon faces off with the Warlock Lord, wh oof course looks exactly like him, and we get a sort of beardy druid version of that new Taylor Swift video. There can only be one!
Guess who wins the battle? Evil-Anon! Like, how weird is this, for Manu Bennett to act out the death of his character of two seasons, but also to play the person killing that character? Like… what?
For real though, Al-Anon spent literally this whole season moaning while being injured and/or healing on various beds, being ill, almost dying, etc., like the whole season for him was just one long stagger to a death that he always knew was coming. Literally, hope he gets to RIP back in his dreamscape from last time.
Oh, and so now that Bandon’s gone, Eretria fulls breaks bad because one of our core characters must be evil at all times. She swallows a giant fireball demon thing and becomes so evil that she beats up Lyria (!!!) HER FIANCEE (!!!) WHO IS ALSO THE QUEEN (!!!!!!) and then delivers her to Evil-Anon, who she now serves. She is also serving some serious Thriller vibes with these lizard eyes.
Pause to appreciate the detail in unconscious Lyria’s fabulous leather jacket with cutouts. Like, #want #need
Sooooo anyway, Eretria double-crosses everyone but nobody can be mad at her because they know she’s actually great. So Garret Jax helps hold an exorcism-type thing with Cogline, who is now maybe the main character of the show?
Eretria puts up a fight, but her inherent goodness wins out the day and the demon is gone from inside of her. FOR NOW! (#BringOnSeasonThree)
And so THEN, Wil and Mareth head out to finish off Evil-Anon because Wil has the Sword Of Shannara etc etc. Evil-Anon tries out his trademark “impaling you over his head” move with Wil, but Wil has TEH ELFSTONES so they’re evenly matched, as well as simultaneously stabbed by each other.
And The Sword Of Shannara wins out the day, finding Evil-Anon and his bonkers cheekbone and nose piercings evaporating in glowing blue light just as his doppelganger was enveloped by red light. And no there are no Al-Anons left at all. #sad
So it’s all good, right? WRONG! Because Wil is still stabbed, and Evil-Anon’s evil blood is still poised to poison everyone in the universe, or something. So Wil and Mareth finally kiss, he bequeaths her TEH ELFSTONES… wait, sorry, I just really want to pause and appreciate that they finally kissed. I ship it, I truly do.
And then Wil dives into the water, and the amount of his Shannara blood bleeding out from his gaping torso sword wound purifies the water. AND HE DIES. WIL DIES. WTF, SHOW???
LITERALLY WHO IS LEFT ALIVE FROM SEASON ONE AT ALL?
Well, at least Lyria’s the Queen now, and as such gets to wear the royal bedazzled sequin eyeliner.
Real talk: her mother was amazing and efferdescently fabulous, but Lyria is WORKING this look. Loveee her globe-shaped crown, and the mega ‘do on her servant to her side. She is bringing in a new era of BOUFFANT HEADS and I’m here for it. #SeasonThree?
But, post coronation or whatever, Eretria returns her seventeen engagement finger joint adornments, because she’s got to spend some time on herself, ensuring she’s not an evil demon or whatever. TRUE LOVE DIED THIS DAY. And also, anyone know where I can get some rings like these? Asking for a friend.
And whatever became of this season’s coolest and most bellybutton-baring new character? Well, Garret Jax has sold out to the man, and is going to be a General in the army instead of a freelance bounty hunter. And? It suits him. Plus also, like every other soldier died this season so he’s pretty necessary in this regard.
So then, things wrap up as The Only Cast Left Alive, basically, head out into the desert (?) from Mad Max: Fury Road I think, to spread Wil’s ashes? Or something? Except he threw himself into the water and dissolved so there aren’t ashes?
But as they’re mid-memorial, TEH ELFSTONES start glowing in Mareth’s hand. WHAT?
And she’s like, “Um, y’all, p sure Wil is Totally Not Dead.”
So that’s a bit of a cliffhanger until we get our LITERAL cliffhanger which is…
It’s true! Wil is Totally Not Dead, or potentially alive but in the underworld or something. He’s laid out in a graveyard of like dragon skeletons, as dragon orc vultures circle overhead. But how can he defend himself without elfstones or the sword?
We’ll have to wait FOR SEASON THREE I GUESS.