So seems like Spike TV figured out that ONE EPISODE IS NEVER ENOUGH when it comes to this show, and we now get TWO brand-new episodes per week. We aren’t complaining, because more than maybe any other show on TV right now, every cliffhanger ending of The Shannara Chronicles has us literally begging for more. This week’s two-for-one brought us Back To The Future feels, the emergence of BadRetria, one major character death and Lyria giving us serious Pride & Prejudice & Zombies feels, in the best possible way. Let’s do this!

So, it’s always great when an episode begins with Eretria because she is our most beloved Goddess and we always need more of her in our lives/on our screens. She’s minding her own business in the woods when, like every other time she’s in the woods (…right?) she is RANDOMLY ATTACKED! But these people don’t know what they’re in for because our girl flat-out STABS and FLAYS everyone in sight, despite them wearing armour and Eretria just in her usual cargo pants ensemble.

Then, offering an assist (not that she needed, she had that isht handled), Cogline from episode 1 pops back in! Remember him? We kind of do, this show moves at a QUICK PACE. Anyhoo, he’s like, “I’m here to be your Dumbledore basically, and also bring you back to the Human Castle for Reasons!”

For real, Eretria didn’t need a mentor five minutes ago and she doesn’t need a mentor now, but she’s up for a road trip and agrees to go along.

 

MEANWHILE, Wil is serving up FACE while assessing how best to rescue his Uncle Flick.

He’s also with his frenemy Al-Anon, and his maybe-daughter, Queen Malese Jow. Al-Anon is like, “Malese, get out of here, no girls allowed,” and she rolls her eyes and takes off, pretty much. This becomes important in a bit.

 

And meanwhile MEANWHILE, King Who’s-His-Thing is having a memorial service for Katania, the blond handmaiden he loved between seasons 1 and 2 but he seems pretty broken up about it all.

His kinda-fiancee, Lyria, is sympathetic but also like, “… who is this dead person, again?” Lovinggg her deconstructed leather jacket here, along with her now-standard sheer top and twenty pounds of extensions and jewels.

So Cogline brings Eretria in to see Queen Tamlin and we learn he (Cogline) is a retired Druid or something? And Tamlin made a deal with the Evil Monk Thing or ?

Whatever, she looks amazing in gold.

 

And so THEN, Wil and Al-Anon find where Bandon is holding Uncle Flick hostage and also slowly killing him with Magic Poison.

And surprise!! Malese pops up because of course Al-Anon didn’t really want her to go, it was their Secret Plan and now she’s here to help out.

BACK IN THE CASTLE, Eretria’s lounging in front of a green screen like we’re back on Revenge, as Cogline drops some serious truth on her. Wait for it…

Eretria’s secretly descended from a line of half-demons and so she, herself, is susceptible to Evil Magic and that’s why she has the secret tattoo on her shoulder blade, and that’s why Cogline swore to protect her, because once the Evil Monk Thing comes around, he’ll like recognize her evil powers and make her his slave. I think?

So, to train her up Jedi-style, Cogline brings Eretria to… an abandoned, pre-Apocalypse police station. YES. This reminds me of when Eretria and Amberle wound up in the abandoned prom and now I have sad wistful feelings about the ship that was Princess/Rover.

Basically, this is where Cogline keeps a Harry Potter Dementor trapped and he sort of locks Eretria in the jail cell with it and is like, “Use your powers! You can do it!”

  

And she manages to make the Dementor bend to her will, and she likes her new power, and I’m sure this is going to end well.

 

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE CAVE, Wil and Queen Malese Jow open a TIME PORTAL and hop through to find a Druid Skull that Bandon needs to heal Uncle Flick’s poison. This show, you guys.

And they wind up in Wil’s hometown, but like 25 years ago, back when it was sort of forest Coachella but more wholesome.

And everything takes a sudden swerve into Back to the Future when Wil finds his Dad, whose name is Shae and who is dressed and acts exactly like Wil.

Wil and Queen Malese keep their identities secret, so it’s not totally awkward when Shae is like, “Malese, I can see you luuurrrve Wil, your eyes tell all. You should tell him you like him.”

And then Wil meets up with his Mom, whose name is Heady, and who is really into this cold-shouldered strappy sack dress.

And then the Evil Demon Flying Fireballs come to attack Shae, and Wil is like STAY PUT, DAD DAD DADDY-O, and Shae is like, “I can’t stay here in a cave! Today’s the scarecrow competition and Heady and I entered!” like that’s a thing?? This is the biggest concern in this town at the moment? A scarecrow competition?

I think Queen Malese speaks for all of us with this skeptical facial expression.

But!! Then the scarecrow competition helps her and Wil find the Druid Skull so it’s all good, if twee and amazing and delightufl.

And so with the help of the decaying druid skull, Wil manages to get his parents back together at the ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA DANCE SCARECROW FESTIVAL RAVE PARTY.

MEANWHILE, Eretria takes a solo trip back into the abandoned police station, where she totally zaps and destroys the Dementor, just for fun?

In so doing, her eyeballs turn Dark Willow Black, which I’m sure isn’t anything to worry about.

Nor is this vision she has of herself with snake eyes. Just having some fun with novelty contact lenses. She’s not turning into an evil demon/villain. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

 

And then things get very bonkers very quickly. First, Uncle Flick impales himself with a sword rather than have Wil give the Druid Skull to Bandon, which… I guess?

And then Bandon runs off on a horse with the skull, so the Evil Monk Thing should be arriving shortly. And then Al-Anon collapses because he is having a REALLY BAD DAY and also because he was cut by the Evil Sword Of Evil.

 

On a lighter note, time for Lyria and Elf King’s marriage of convenience to actually occur. Lyria enters, looking delightful and sparkley and bizarre and exactly the way her mother wants her to dress in ANGLES and SHAPES and a HUGE BLACK SEQUINNED SKIRT.

It’s all great, her hair looks great. But why is the officiant hiding his/her face under a hook like that?

Because SURPRISE!!! It’s One Eye Evil Anti-Magic Guy like, didn’t we kill him episodes ago??

He starts stabbing everyone and has a team of other people swinging swords, so it’s all hands on deck, including Lyria. The way she swings that sword badassly while wearing a couture gown reminds me of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies in the best possible way. You get ’em, Princess.

And while the death toll may be slightly less than the red wedding on Game of Thrones, it similarly ends with the death of a king. In this case, of the Elf King What’s His Name. I’m sorry I never learned your name. And who will be King of the Elves now??? Amberle is a TREE. THERE’S NO ELVES LEFT!!!

Why do we have to wait a week for two more episodes????