Previously on the coolest show you may not be watching, and if you aren’t, get on this for serious: Eretria broke up with Lyria for secret-Princess reasons, Malese Jow is like a human nuclear bomb and only Al-Anon — who may be her father? — can help train her. Wil is still BOOK FOUR HARRY POTTER ANGRY and his hair is exceptionally cute at the moment. Queen Tamlin is all-powerful and amazing and hopefully will get to wear a new dress one of these days. Elf King Whatshisname is going to maybe agree to a political marriage to Lyria, who’s still hung up on Eretria, and also he doesn’t know a) his GF was murdered b) by his bestie, who c) is in league with the anti-magic squad known as The Crimson. Got all that? I think, for once, I might actually know what’s going on! Let’s do this!

So, we knew that Tamlin, Queen Of All Humans, knows her way around a statement necklace. But did he previously know that said necklace has magic spidey senses? Cause surprise! It got all glow-y and she was… concerned.

Rightfully so! Because who struts into her faboosh castle but this dude, in his literal rags. Like, Mugatu called and he wants his Derelicte collection back, Bandon. So anyway, he’s all “I know you’re working with The Crimson to kill all magic people! Also I just killed all of your guards! Ta-ta for now!”

Also not having a great day is One Blue Eye One Brown Eye, who’s understandably annoyed literally all of his soldiers were killed last week by the Breakfast Club.

Speaking of our diverse group of badasses, Wil is like, “Al-Anon, have you seriously not spoken with Malese Jow yet?” And Al-Anon is like, “No, why?” And Wil is like, “Paternity-based reasons,” and Al-Anon is like, “But monks can’t have kids? It’s like a thing?” And Wil, in this very low voice he’s using all episode is like, “Think again, I guess.”

Wil’s only surviving relative, Uncle Flick, is still off being held captive by Bandon. How did we not notice until now that he is Literally Ned Stark, which does not bode well for him vis-a-vis not dying.

Anyhoodle, he’s still being held prisoner by Bandon. Rather than being trapped in jail, he’s dragged along while Bandon… prays at the water? Shirtless? I mean, nobody’s complaining except maybe the actor, who must have been happy to get to wear a shapeless robe all season so he could eat all the carbs he wanted. Until this week.

Eretria’s off questing with Garet Jax because blah blah reasons, which gives us a good excuse to check in on him and his PTSD. Judging by how he tries to sleep-stab Eretria, he’s still got some things to work out. Naturally, she fights him off like a champ, even though she is literally also asleep. Goddess.

Flick somehow (??) convinces Bandon to come with him on a trip to learn that maybe every living creature on earth isn’t Actively The Worst, in hopes of getting Bandon to stop trying to end life as we know it. So randomly this means going for dinner with the new residents of the house where Bandon grew up… in the shed of… as a captive… with a Bane mask on. So like, just a super cazh dinner, no big deal. Surprise! The new tenants are ferocious anti-magic bigots!! FUN

This winds up with not the murder of the parents, but of their son, who Bandon strangles using the mask he used to wear as a kid. It is pretty rough stuff, but he’s still got #THEFEELS so it’s all mixed emotions, really. This is a great villain storyline because we can see how he got here and why he’s doing this, and also sometimes he takes off his shirt.

And THEN because this series can’t ever have an episode without 26 separate storylines, Empress Of All Known Universes Malese Jow heads off with Wil and Al-Anon to go spelunking in this subterranean cave scenario. Of course they split up from Wil, allowing these two to be all, “I don’t need a Dad,” “Good, I don’t want to be a Dad,” “Fine,” “Good,” etc.

And then they run into mega-huge spider, who wraps Wil in like a cocoon type thing??

But he defeats it with the multi-purpose ELFSTONES which are like on a sonic screwdriver level of Literally Can Solve Any Problem Ever.

But meanwhile back at Tamlin’s court and area, the Elf King finally sorts out that his “life long best friend” who we just met like ten seconds ago, Mr. Dawn Summers, is a secret double-agent for The Crimson and totally arrests him. He and the other spies are all lined up on a Very High Platform, so that the Queen can shove them to their death using a very cool long sceptre situation.

It is… highly satisfying. Oh, and the Elf King now knows his blond former GF is dead so like, bummer, etc.

But who can be sad when Eretria and Lyria are back ON! YES! I think! So much happened this week this reunion was pretty brief, but hopefully next week they can be all hand-holding and heart-eyes again some more.

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE SPIDER CAVE: Wil finds his father’s grave, which is like… just his father’s body, covered in moss, and not having decayed at all? Even though he died quite awhile back, no?

We learn that, like every adult male on this show, Wil’s father was a Bad Dad, but now Wil gets it because it’s no easy thing to be The Shannara, whatever that is. Anyway, he gets his father’s Super Shannara Sword out from the moss of the gravesite, and makes amends with him in a very well delivered, teary speech.

So now he has both ELFSTONES and the SUPER SWORD so look out, Bandon! I guess? Honestly, it still seems like the power of Malese plus Al-Anon can defeat literally anything, but we’ll see what happens next week in a DOUBLE EPISODE YES CAN’T WAITTTTT