OK so here’s the thing: this show is GREAT. The pace has always been non-stop, the outfits full of straps and knives, and everyone is constantly running and fighting and there is chemistry between literally everyone. I mention all of this because I effing love this show and also I have no idea what’s going on at all. But it doesn’t matter, because people who are into the politics of future elf dystopia have that angle, people who are into shipping have loads of great options, and people who are just fans of New Zealand scenery can watch it as like a travelogue. I don’t have any jokes, it’s just that this is such a fun and wonderful show and it doesn’t seem to be getting the love and attention it deserves. Let’s do this!

 

As per ever, we start this week basically directly after last time, when Wil was beat up by Hot Elf Dude, who kidnapped UNcle Whoever, and is forcing Wil to go and find his arch-nemesis, Sexy Druid Al-Anon. Wil is just not doing great these days; gone is that long-haired carefree half-elf who used to shower and pout and didn’t know what he was doing. In his place is… this guy.

He’s gazing like he’s seeing the face of God because he literally is: it’s Eretria! The most amazing person on TV, with her perfect hair and badass attitude and assassin-like killing skills.

Last season he was all innocence and she was all jaded cynicism, but now he’s in sort of a BOOK FOUR HARRY POTTER EMO PHASE so the roles are reversed, with Eretria cheering him on to look at the bright side. Oh, and they’re both in The Only Outfit They Ever Get To Wear because we’re at that point in the show; everyone’s settled into a single outfit and I will do my best to fashion blog.

One of the bright sides for both of these nerds is the existence of Garet Jax and Her Majesty Malese Jow in both their lives. These two newbies to the show have finally met and are facing off in an epic battle, because THIS SHOW IS GREAT. Garet Jax has his usual two axes strapped to his thighs, along with some knives in his outer coat and like seventeen other places because HE IS AMAZING. Malese only needs her over-the-knee-boots, Sailor Moon hair, and tattoo sleeves to hold her own here. Also a big stick, apparently.

Garet Jax is like, “I’m here to capture Wil because I’m still in that Han Solo at the beginning of the first Star Wars type mercenary point.”

And these three confer, then decide to welcome them to their clique. J/K they basically all mutually blackmail each other into finding Al-Anon and various other plot-related things. Look how cool for school these three are, with their buckles and straps and leather. If you’re looking for a group Halloween costume, this is it, my friends.

Sidenote: Garet Jax has at least three helix piercings and a white streak in his hair AND eyebrow, which is RAD and also are important to remember for your cosplay/Halloween costume plans.

But where is Sexy Druid Al-Anon? Oh just being tortured shirtless, because this show misses no opportunity for male shirtlessness. He’s being held captive by One Blue Eye One Brown Eye, because remember he was captured last week? And One Eye is immune to magic? And put a magic-neutering collar around Al-Anon? I think?

So, he’s being held in Castle Blah Blah, which is where our new team of BFFs are heading. En route, Wil and Eretria get a chance to catch up, and it’s all subtext. Eretria doesn’t say, “I fell in love with a secret Princess” and Wil doesn’t say, “I am self-harming myself with the elfstones to hallucinate Amberle, who is also a tree.” But his elfstone bruises tell Eretria everything she needs to know.

Wil is just like going through a lot right now you guys. He barely has the energy to perfectly coif his hair anymore.

Oh also it turns out Garet Jax is two-timing the squad to spy on them for… Queen Tamlin? I think? But then Malese catches him and they have sort of a rogues agreement where neither trusts the other but they respect each other, for the time being.

LOOK! HOW CUTE! THESE FOUR ARE TOGETHER! 

So they hatch a plan to break into Castle Thing, which all hinges on Eretria sexily handing Wil a skeleton key, which he sexily puts in his mouth. Like #WilTria? IT IS ON.

Meanwhile back in the Human Palace, Queen Tamlin secretly meets with her spy, Dawn Summers, about this and that. She is again wearing her giant spiderweb-esque crown/hat, which gives the whole scene a sort of “Come into my parlour said the spider to the fly” air which: not inaccurate.

AND THEN BAM!! She’s wearing pointy rings on every finger and also GOLDEN CLAWS ON EVERY FINGERTIP and she literally draws blood as she threatens Dawn here. This is the most amazing fashion accessory since brass knuckles clutch bags, and I legit screamed when this happened. I’m not saying Queen Tamlin is the new Cathy de’Medici… but I’m not not saying that.

Anyhoo, so Phase One of Operation Al-Anon is that Garet Jax brings Wil into Castle Thing, all, “Hello fellow scoundrels! I, a bounty hunter, have captured the young man from from charcoal drawing that you were after.” It all goes mega-smoothly, because Garet Jax is amazing and Wil is in full nihilism mode.

But then when they take Wil, they’re like, “Garet Jax, sashay away,” and that was apparently not part of the plan. They throw a bag of coins on the ground, and Garet Jax looks at Wil with conflicted eyes and Wil looks back plaintively, and all of a sudden we have found ourselves in an elf dystopia version of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Eretria and Malese’s part of the plan is, naturally, going perfectly because these two are, in fact, perfect. And their part of the plan is: beat up/kill the palace guards.

Eretria arrives with like a backflip and knocks out like three guards at once with her fighting skills. Remember, she doesn’t have any magical superpowers, she’s just a highly well-trained human fighter, sort of the Black Widow of this Avengers team.

They are doing just fine, thank you very much, when suddenly one of the guards collapses with an ax in the back. Why? Because it’s Garet Jax! He’s now like Han Solo in the part of the first Star Wars film where he has a change of heart and returns to help defeat the Death Star. Garet’s back on the team!

Also, this may be important: One Eye has been torturing Al-Anonto learn the whereabouts of this Evil Book. IDK.

So! Wil uses his sexy skeleton key to wriggle free from his handcuffs, beat up his guard, and track down Al-Anon, who he hates for turning Amberle into a tree. It’s a whole mixed emotions thing. And they’re on their way out when One Eye catches them. Ugh, they don’t have time for this.

So, following the whole Jesus Christ Superstar thing, we now have Wil strung up crucifix-esque, revealing his twelve-pack abs of sadness once more.

One Eye wheels in The Death Machine from The Princess Bride — a film which, come to think of it, maybe also takes place in this same elf dystopia future? — and begins sucking out Wil’s blood. He thinks this will make Al-Anon confess, but Wil knows that Al-Anon doesn’t care about anyone but himself.

What to do? Well, luckily Malese’s Al-Anon senses are tingling, and she runs into the room where One Eye hid Al-Anon’s staff, which is like his magic wand, but cooler. And the staff itself breaks through the iron door and jumps into her hand. P cool.

These three are each incredible fighters PLUS Malese is sort of a goddess, so pretty quickly they break Wil and Al-Anon out. It’s a fun subversion of the usual damsel in distress thing, where Al-Anon and Wil are both so depleted they’re basically useless and the fighting is up to Garet Jax, Eretria, and Malese. And of course, they do amazing.

  

Oh, also we learn a bit about Garet Jax’s secret sad backstory, where he was a soldier before (?) with a family (?) or something (?) when his PTSD makes him freeze up mid-combat. Oh honey.

The non-stop action sequence ends with Al-Anon, exhausted though he is, using just enough of his Sexy Druid Magic to hold the gate open and let them escape (Malese plays an important supporting role, too, by making a wall of fire).

We end things presumably exactly where next week will pick up, with a diverse band of people who mostly hate and distrust each other on a quest to… do… something? Something very important, that I’ve forgotten at the moment. But I can’t wait to see what happens next!!