You get a twin! You get a twin! Everybody gets a twin! That’s right. The final AD mystery is solved and it’s….SPENCER’S SECRET BRITISH TWIN. We saw the secret twin coming, but did you see them going Orphan Black on us? No. No, you did not. Because there are few things more ridiculous than that. And with that, let’s just jump on into the week, because there were two ridiculous hours of this show to watch this week.

After last week’s drought, this week was an EMBARRASSMENT of riches when it comes to serving up the lewks. Unless we want to be here until I.Marlene comes up with a spinoff, we’re going to focus on the best and worst of the week. So like 80% of the plain sweaters will not be covered.

We actually kick this thing off inside Mona’s head, where we see both summer and snow in Rosewood. Which is how you know this isn’t real Rosewood. But according to Mona’s psyche, if they ever did have summer in Rosewood, floral sundresses are where it’s at for these girls.

Spencer’s red sandals with her red dress are a delight and I would like a pair yesterday. I’m also here for Aria’s wedges, but the giant ruffle on top is just a bit much. And Ali? Well, this episode is basically all about how to make Ali look horrible. I don’t know what she did to the costume and hair people, but no one does Sasha Pieterse any favors for the final episode. First, she’s got those bangs — and that’s not just some dream revenge Mona cooked up for her. Nope, she’s got that questionable fringe for full two hours. And this floral tent? Well, that might be Mona getting sartorial dream revenge while she’s locked up.

I’d probably dream up all kinds of unflattering outfits if I were locked up in this joint.

So, outside of Mona’s dream world, we get another (unnecessary and honestly, plot-hole-inducing) time jump. Here’s the skinny:

Ezra and Aria’s book is headed to Hollywood and they’re still planning that damn wedding a year later. Aria is wearing shorts that may be too short for public consumption. 

Hanna and Caleb are successful enough to buy Lucas’ loft and are trying to get pregnant.

This dress continues to make me question Hanna’s skills as a designer. I mean, it’s better than the dress from the plagiarism plot, but the pockets and waistline of the mod shape of this dress aren’t doing her hips any favors. And that’s just not fair to Hanna’s hips. Sadly for Hanna, she’s basically here for this during the finale. 

I’ve always loved Hanna, so seeing her sidelined as a bickering wife whose only goal is to get knocked up isn’t a great way to say goodbye to her. The outfit of sheets was used by a lot of the ladies this week during an extended, but very chaste, montage of sexy times with sheets up around their armpits.

Baby Emison turned into twins!

Like I said, everyone gets a twin! Emily is not a fan of pants at home. And I thought Ali was wearing a bathrobe as well, but it turned out to be an unflattering wrap dress.

Exhibit B that someone in the costume department is out to get her. At least she’s freeing herself of Ella Montgomery’s old flowy jackets?

Spencer is going to law school, working as a paralegal for her mom, researching the great camps of the Adirondacks, and running the refurbished Lost Woods which features a full stable of horses. Horses that Know Things.

No one will ever accuse her of not being ambitious. Honestly, I’m not sure why some secret spy agency hasn’t recruited her. And based on this outfit, she might also be playing polo in her free time. Melissa is back in a perfectly tailored plaid blouse. She’s only here for the never ending fight over who sleeps in the Hastings’ barn and to be a red herring. 

Mona is now free to live with Hanna and Caleb in the saddest sweater you’ve ever seen on Mona.

I mean it’s fine for your average person, but not for Mona. There’s not a bow or stud or bedazzlement anywhere. Times are tough for Mona. I’m not entirely sure why she’s moving in with her friends, though. She still had parents, right? 

Toby basically walked home after he was done building wells in Africa (all of it? Or maybe just one country and we can’t be bothered to say where?).

Like, I guess, Toby, I guess. The bigger your hair gets, the less useful or interesting I find you to be.

And sassy teen Addison is around because…

….honestly. I don’t know. She and her friends are completely inessential to the plot and her homophobic remarks are uncalled for. But great jacket? Maybe she’s just here to let Jenna deliver this line.

Which I’ll accept. Apparently, Jenna now works at Rosewood High as a life skills teacher. Which would make no sense in any other context, but she probably can teach the youth of Rosewood how to survive bullies and stalkers and come into your own as a bully and a stalker. 

Because none of the Liars have ever established any other friendships (I guess it’s fair that they might have trust issues with new people), they go for a quiet joint bachelor/bachelorette party. Perfect for Aria to have one last hurrah as the human embodiment of Anthropologie.

If she baked, it would be with hand-painted artisanal ceramic measuring spoons. Apparently,  Ezra has promised her a surprise for every year they’ve known each other. Something right back to when she was 15? Nope, not creepy at all.

The mustard dress is straight up adorable on her, though, and almost peak-Aria (spoiler alert: we do hit peak-Aria later this episode). Aria’s all, “Wow wow you guys! This is so amazing!” when she sees that her friends have phoned it in and strung up some patio lights and served wine. She’s got a low bar for what a party should look like. 

As for the owners of the Lost Woods, Ali’s floral print is lovely (although reminiscent of a nice IKEA bedspread), but the whole thing is just weighed down by those bangs and that bolero. And look, I get it. You don’t want to go sleeveless. But honey, this isn’t’ the answer. The bolero is never the answer. Trust.

Spencer is… wearing her heart on her….skirt panels?

The collar is super lovely, but the bedazzled emotions on the panels are just straight up weird. Also, feels a little off brand for Spencer. It is anything but FANTASTIC.

Of course, what’s a Liar Fam Jam without a black hoodie?

My initial reaction was “what the fuck was the point of that??” when Mona pulled off her mask, but after sleeping on it, I realize they couldn’t say goodbye without at least one latex mask switcheroo. (Is making realistic face masks a standard life skill everyone should have? Or is it something that the Hastings/Drake sisters and their cronies pass on to one another?)

In spite of having no real evidence against Mona (I mean, other than stalking the party in a latex mask), Hanna and Caleb decide they need to have a chat (read: we will kick you out soon) with her. Hanna does so in a pretty questionable jacket.

The length and the studded collar are kind of unfortunate, especially with the lacy hem of her blouse. But considering some of the jackets Hanna had to wear all season, I can honestly say: it could be worse.

The best part about this taking place over a wedding weekend is that we’re getting all of the Liars in their evening wear, which is a nice change from their crimes against denim. For example, Spencer dips into the navy dress pool once again, this time with a sensible skirt for the rehearsal dinner.

That is a dress that could have been deadly dull, but the lace cut-out at the waist keeps it from veering into dowdy territory.

Hanna’s only non-pregnancy plot is getting a lot of scorn for bringing Mona to the party. I’m not sure when they all started hating Mona over the past year, seeing as they had all agreed that she was not AD when we last saw them. But hey! This is a wedding for a statutory rapist and the girl he met in his English class, so I mean, memories are short in Rosewood. Hanna gets no scorn for this black and blue lace number though.

Her shoes though? Maybe with another outfit, but the leopard print isn’t working for me here.

Emily, on the other hand? I am giving her all the side eyes over these pants.

What in the name of A are you wearing? Gold lamé pants? Oh honey no. I know I keep asking you to wear something other than sweats, but this may have been a bridge too far. Possibly more questionable than the pants is the throwaway reference to one of Addison’s army of mean teens being Maya’s niece. I guess so. Why not. Just throw in new characters at the last minute. No need to answer actual mysteries like how did the moms get out the basement. 

Seriously though. That’s cool, moms, you keep on drinking that PTSD away. We don’t need actual mysteries solved. I’m not sure why Pam couldn’t film a scene with you and your bottle of Pinot Grigio, but Ashley’s killing it in the blue, the pink with the statement necklace on Veronica is lovely, and Ella just keeps on keeping on in flowy blazers. No mother-of-the-bride duties can stop her from wearing her old teacher jackets.

But as the bride-to-be, Aria kills it. Her sleeveless stripe dress is A+++. Love the gold shoes too. It takes the look over the top to amazing.

Too bad for her that her human wet blanket of a fiancé makes her recent infertility issues all about him. His brand of toxic masculinity is exactly the kind of thing you get excited to walk down the aisle to. 

After the party, Emily gets all Emily and starts yelling at Ali for hiding things from her. Turns out Ali was hiding an engagement ring and a love for pink pug sweatshirts.

Remember when Ali was a complete Mean Girl badass? Neither does anyone else. That sweatshirt and those bangs are just proof that no one cares about this character anymore beyond giving Emily a romantic end game.

So Aria’s big day comes and her friends are all “#ariasdress”, while I’m all.

Why’s that? Because she’s basically wearing an ill-fitting beaded Victorian nightgown.

In what world is this Aria’s dream wedding dress?

I’m with you Aria. Not a great choice.

At least she’s the sort of bride who lets her bridesmaids pick out their own style of dress.

I mean, Emily’s boobs are almost falling out, but that just shows what a chill bride Aria is. Hanna’s plunging neckline is working out better since the girls are staying in. Spencer’s scalloped sleeves are pretty, on an otherwise unremarkable dress. But, Ali? Oh, poor Ali. She gets to feel like her bra straps are sliding down her arms the whole day. And would it have killed them to let her pin back those overly heavy bangs for the wedding day? I think they might be trying to eat her face.

Okay. So we know we’re not all here for the Ezria wedding. I mean, Ezra’s not even there.

Poor dude. He just wants to marry his high school sweetheart. Instead, he gets locked up in the plot twist.

But seriously. We’re all here for the big reveAl and the batshit bananas crazy stuff that comes with it. So let’s just dive on in and pretend it all makes sense.

YASSSSSSS! EVIL SECRET TWIN! AND SHE HAS A HORRIBLE ACCENT.

It’s basically the most amazing twist they could have served up. None of it makes any sense, but we’re just rolling with it. Let’s break down how Alex Drake/AD came to be and came to lock up Spencer.

Like any Rosewood psychopath worth her salt, she has endless amounts of money, questionable motives, and a high-tech bunker to imprison her twin, her mom (yes, Mary Drake has conveniently “escaped” from a Rosewood prison), and Dead Weight Ezra.

Super elaborate setup and perfect for a Q&A before she really kicks her Single White Female plan into full gear. We get the story in flashbacks, starting when Mary Drake gave birth to twins in a film noir. One went to the Hastings and the other was sold to a wealthy British family who couldn’t deal with her “issues”. So off she goes to a home for Wayward Girls and gets her birth name, Alex Drake, back. She runs away at age 10 and grows up to be a Sarah Manning knock off with a terrible accent.

Who wore it better?

This would have been the end of our doppelganger chav, but you know, of all the gin joints in all the world, Wren wanders into hers.

I guess he tells her that she looks a lot like these two sisters he’s had relations with, so why don’t they get together so he can collect the full set. And for reasons I still don’t get, he introduces her to Carmen Sandiego.

Kidding! It’s Charlotte! But she spent a lot of time in Radley as a kid, so I guess it’s fair that she’d think this is a normal outfit for trying to go incognito about: a big hat and a fur collar. Flashback Charlotte has a lot of questionable coats. While the fur collar is a touch impractical for trying to lay low, this leather thing is just weird.

Is it a cape? Are the sleeves broken? And does she think she’s fooling anyone with that wig? I feel like this episode just keeps on bringing up new mysteries.

Anyway. Charlotte convinces her newly discovered seestra that Spencer is the worst and got everything that AD should have. I guess. Is this what we’re going with? Sure. Motives are flexible things. So when Charlotte turns up dead, seestra Alex decides to go with her SWF plan. Starting with a bullet wound.

Because that’s all it takes to convince that Walking Head of Hair Toby that he’s getting it on with his one true love. I guess there’s a reason he never got a promotion when he was a Teen Cop.

She also needed Wren to be the baby daddy.

Not that anyone else on the show knows this. Yep. This mystery was solved for us and us alone. But it seems that no one cares about this anymore. And when Wren outlived his usefulness, he became a really pretty accessory.

We have literally no idea how he died. We just know he’s a diamond now.

Now, since Toby can’t figure out he’s not sleeping with his OTP and only Ezra was the one to notice she was being shady AF, how the hell do her best friends solve this mystery before she takes an axe to Ezra and Spencer?

Well, for starters, you don’t discover the truth by sitting around moping over a missing Ezra.

Aria is 100% wasting this cute floral sleeved top moping over her lost fiancé (Ezra leaving her at the alter was kind of a blessing in disguise. Even if it’s because he’s in a secret underground dungeon across town). Ali’s blouse game here is great though. If her bangs weren’t about to completely take over her face, this would be one of her best blouse and jacket looks all season. Emily and Toby wear the same thing they’ve been wearing for at least four seasons. And Hanna’s run on questionable jackets continues.

Denim everywhere weeps for this piece of fabric that had to be sacrificed for this jacket. The blouse and its flat giant bow are also pretty sad that they had to be paired with it.

But seriously, after seven seasons, not one of those geniuses clued into what’s going on. But you want to know who did? Well, for starters. A horse.

Of course.

Also, a blind woman.

Jenna can’t smell an ugly blouse — the bow (why so many bows?) and the flared sleeves are awful — but she can smell a fake Spencer.

And finally, the woman who has solved all their problems over and over again yet is consistently a suspect and frequently incarcerated.

That’s right. She might be an evil genius, but she’s your evil genius. And she’s getting shit done in that suede moto jacket and iffy choker, bringing you directly to this showdown.

I appreciate that Twincer got cute sweaters for them to wear in the bunker. Such a classic casual Spencer look. Meanwhile, Toby still doesn’t know which is the real Spencer. At least not until she recites some French poetry and the cops show up to collect Twincer.

Wait wait wait. The cops showed up? In Rosewood. Hahahaha. Not really. Evil genius Mona hired someone to collect her prize in the game.

That’s right. Mona’s prize is a Parisian dollhouse under her Parisian doll store where she gets to dress French and keep mère et fille forever. Let’s take a moment to appreciate how on the nose Mona’s French style is.

She really is living her best life in that beret with a pink trench. Très Americain in Paris.

As for the remaining Drakes?

I can only assume that for two women who loved a good leather jacket, spending the rest of their lives in pretty gold shoes and gingham dresses is payback enough for all the damage they’ve done. At least Mona picked out some nice wallpaper for their dollhouse.

And with those two taken care of, Aria finally gets to marry her high school English teacher.

She’s basically wearing a dress made of doilies, but it is exactly the kind of dress you’d expect from Aria for a wedding dress. She really is a walking talking Anthropologie store. And if she Ezra has to be her end game, I’m glad she got to get married in a dress that’s the Aria-est.

But why are her friends determined to wear black or navy to her wedding?

And for real though, who are all these people in the church? They’ve literally never had any other friends for seven years (unless they were dating them) and now they’re packing the chapel with people we’ve never seen before? Did Ezra hire extras as one of his surprises for Aria?

And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for. No, not another who is A or AD or Uber A, but: what are their final outfits after seven seasons of recapping outfits?

Emily doubles down on being Emily with the vintage tee and a leather skirt and I am here for that. You have no idea how much better recapping season seven would have been if she had worn that more often. Hanna carries on with the boho vibe that I don’t think I’ll ever love. Spencer gets what might be the world’s most unflattering pants — giant pockets that extend her legs and hips outwards along with a belt that ties up into a giant knot. Ali and her bangs continue to be dressed like no one cares about her. I guess the pineapple print is cute enough. And Aria, well, between the Free People inspired wedding wear and this, she hits peak-Aria. She’s wearing a rainbow and I don’t know where the blouse ends and the bow begins (so. many. bows. this week) and I’m pretty sure she skinned a muppet for that jacket. Aria, never stop.

I’d like to say that’s all she wrote, but I.Marlene had to give us one last mystery we’ll never care about.

The mystery of where is Sassy Teen Addison. She probably should have picked a character we cared about.

So, on a scale of 1 to Dan Humphrey is Gossip Girl, where did the show land?

I’m gonna say a 6. It’s bonkers bananas, but what the hell else did we expect from this show? I didn’t feel completely cheated by the twist or the flashbacks needed to explain it. I still don’t understand why anyone did any of the things they did over seven seasons, but I’ve learned that I need to accept that when it comes to PLL.  Golf claps to Zoe for calling it in the comments a few weeks ago that AD was Twincer’s initials. 

Some final thoughts:

  1. Do all houses in Rosewood come standard with a bunker? Is this included in the square footage? Does the listing say, “Charming Arts and Crafts bungalow with 1500 sq ft of subterranean tunnels, high-tech holding cells, and fake gardens”?
  2. It seems like a small town. Did no one notice the work going on at the House That Toby Built? 
  3. Why won’t they leave Rosewood? It’s time, girls. Spread your wings and fly. I promise you can still be friends when you’re not stuck in the town that tortured you.
  4. Anyone else think it’s weird that the only thing these girls in their early 20s want to do is have babies?

Thanks for joining us on this ridiculous, ridiculous ride, friends!

XOXO, bitches. -YKYLF