While Tanner is busy drumming up some Liar arrest warrants, the ladies are focusing their suspicions on Mona. It takes a full psychotic break to convince them otherwise. Mary Drake makes a return to give Spencer some incredibly generous gifts. After seven seasons, the Liars finally figure out how to get AD off their back: just stop doing what AD says. I feel like this is the advice we’ve been giving them all along. And because we still have a two-hour episode left to go, AD drives off into the sunset without leaving us any clues. Let’s do this. 

After seven seasons, I expected way more out of my penultimate episode. Instead, I got something that was weaksauce fashion- wise. Everyone wore the same outfit they wore last week (they couldn’t do a random costume change for our sake?). Plot wise, it was only slightly better. We wrapped up all the threats to the Liars and solved a mystery I had forgotten about just in time to make us wait a week to find out who AD actually is. 

So without much fashion to speak of, let’s break down the WTFery we faced this week.

Tanner, Competent and Thorough Police Officer, continues on her quest to arrest our favorite ladies with properly signed arrest warrants and does so in seriously no-nonsense blues.

She’s got that Prime Suspect vibe of a female cop Who Is Not Taking Your Shit figured out. And let’s be honest, if the Liars were in any other town or city, they would have been arrested, charged, and, more importantly, convicted for any number of crimes by now.

They’re so lucky that Rosewood PD is full of incompetents and creeps.

Unfortunately for Aria and this jacket that I’ve been having an internal debate on, Rosewood PD is stepping up its game and a helpful cop just really wants to help out by opening the trunk. You know. The one with the very dead and decomposing body in it.

“Oh what? Nothing to see here officers. Just me and my very empty trunk. Super empty. Definitely empty.”

Basically, Aria has a horseshoe up her ass, because he turns away just long enough for her to grab her keys and hide the body again. He must have allergies since he didn’t notice the smell of decay in the trunk. But seriously, that jacket. I mean, I don’t hate it, but I definitely don’t like it either. I think I’ve discovered a new feeling that probably only has a long German word for it. Like if you translated haspotentialbutnotlivinguptothisoutfitsoidontlikeit.

One thing I did learn this week is that seven years of stalking can really take its toll on a girl’s psyche. For starters, Aria has a long and pleasant chat with the dead body in the trunk.

She takes its advice and decides to turn it in. Ezra declares that he has an MA in American Literature and knows how to deal with a body, so no, don’t turn it in. No shade to American Lit majors intended (I’ve got my BA in something equally useless when it comes to dead bodies). Once again, AD saves Aria from herself and Ezra and hides the body. (If I’m confused about how AD moves the game around, I’m doubly confused about how she moves a trash bag with a body in it around. I’ve seen Weekend at Bernie’s. Moving dead bodies is hard). 

 

Anyway, as I mentioned, the gang continues on in the same outfits as last week as they talk about how horrible Mona and Aria are.

Ezra puts up a good defense for Aria. But when you’re a serial statutory rapist who everyone is like¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about, of course, you’re going to be on the forgiveness train. (TBH, every time he says stuff like, “We’ve all made mistakes” and “I’m glad we moved on from our past”, I’m even more creeped out than when Aria was a teenager and he was in his 20s). Ali is first to agree, which makes total sense considering her past is almost as shady (although far less creepy).

While I get her forgiveness, I don’t get what she’s wearing this week. Her blouse game is weak. Is that a ribbon detail on it?

Also weak in the blouse game is Hanna’s boho number that we complained about last week. I just can’t get on board with the built in choker.

Upon closer inspection, I’m here for the maroon leather jacket. It is neither a bomber nor is it covered in sequins or a fringe. I like it.

 

So, Mary Drake is still going with the message in a bottle theme for correspondence.

Like, is there not a better way to communicate? Whatever. I guess it works because she and Spencer meet up for a going away present.  

That’s right! Her secret motel is literally hers and she’s giving it to Spencer and Ali as a gift.

Which, let’s be honest, they would be the worst business partners, but okay. Shady looking real estate is still a pretty good present if you’re facing down some serious legal bills. (Not that money has ever been a problem in Rosewood. These ladies got all the privilege).

Also, real talk, for a woman who is living in hiding, why does Mary Drake have so much mail all the time?

Who is sending her mail? The floors of the Lost Woods are covered in piles of mail and here’s she’s sorting through what? Her latest credit card statement? An LL Bean catalog that belongs to the previous owner? 

 

While I am annoyed that I didn’t get new outfits to talk about, I want to take a quick moment to once again Spencer’s look with this promo photo from Freeform (obviously not taken from The Serious Moment she had with her birth mom over getting a secret shady motel).

This is a preppy dream come true and the more I see it, the more I love that jacket. She looks like she’s going to lead a team of very beautiful and put together athletes into the Olympics. I don’t know what country they’d represent. Which one has the best hair? I didn’t realize the sweater was cropped last week – I like it. It keeps the outfit from being over the top preppy. 

Speaking of her hair, it’s still straight this week – but there are no other Twincer clues that I could spot. So far, this is what has me thinking Spencer has a secret twin:

  1. Hair — secret twin clues only seem to happen on the straight hair episodes.
  2. Clothing style — secret twin goes dark.
  3. Purse — Spencer seems to carry large bags, mostly a gray satchel or a big black bag (with the exception of a fun pink bag to go with her big hair), while Potential Secret Twin either carries a small black purse or no purse at all.

Teen Vogue is doing the real journalism on this one and has even more solid clues than I do on this theory. Meanwhile, Freeform is all, “you guys. No. Not Spencer“, but don’t mention the twin theory. (Although, the more I believe it, the more I think I’m on the wrong track. I’ve been burned with this show and its clues before). 

 

Mona-who-is-definitely-not-AD is working a super casual look with hair clips from straight from 1999.

Her hair is total She’s All That. What’s not all that is AD stealing the game from her. (I steadfastly stand by my question from last week: how the hell does AD move that damn thing around? It’s huge.)

Of course, tracking down your missing game and meeting with AD calls for getting out of your sweats and into a great trench.

Bless you, Mona for bringing some kind of style and variety to this episode. Also for bringing the dramz. Because she has no time for Caleb’s pie shop show down.

 So she makes a hasty escape through the ladies room that leads them to this:

YES! They are literally living in the cover of a Nancy Drew novel!

 

Last week I accused Spencer and Hanna of crimes against denim. This week Emily commits a misdemeanor against her jeans.

Those double zipper pockets seem both impractical and annoying. They also look kind of lame. And if Shay Mitchell can’t sell me on this, no one can.  

And on Couchtime with Emison this week (they spend a lot of time on that couch), Emily makes some promises she totally can’t keep while they have a bit of a gas leak.

There is literally nothing you two can do to stop this AD mess from snowballing into a baby being born in incarceration. I’m not saying there’s nothing that can be done, but there’s just nothing these two are going to do to change it.

The gas leak is never explained in any way, shape or form, other than Emily and Ali wondering how they both fell asleep on the couch at the same time (which isn’t all that weird you guys). We can only assume it was responsible for this dream throwback to the five-year flash forward.

This time Ali’s writing down all her pseudonyms instead of student names or quotes from the Scarlet Letter.

Her hair and eye makeup are looking way better these days. Check out the original flash forward.

I’m glad she eased up on the kohl.

We also get to see everyone else bust in to yell, “he’s coming”.

As always, Spencer in a trench is fantastic and Hanna kills it in that blue, although no one should wear a blouse with weird bits hanging over your hips. What kills me is Aria’s dress. From far away, it looks like a fun mod print.

But up close?

THERE ARE TOPIARIES ON IT. And grand houses and garden mazes and water fountains. I’m in love. I also miss her old bob.

 

While Caleb and Spencer headed into the secret tunnels of Rosewood, they’re all, “No, Hanna. Not you. You stay far away from potential subterranean dangers.”  So what does our girl do? She goes up into the bell tower where literally nothing good has ever happened in the history of Rosewood.

That’s where she find Psychotic Break Mona, who’s reverted to her pre-sassy Mona/pre-Ali-is-probably-dead looks.

I guess so. The purple flowers are all a part of her break with reality. She calls Hanna “Charlotte” and proceeds to have a flashback to the last time she was up there. 

It really is always fall in Rosewood, isn’t it? I’m not mad if it means Mona gets fabulous tweed coats and a jeweled collar. I don’t know what the hell Flashback Charlotte was wearing.

Are those moss green leggings with a lace-detailed acid wash top and a distressed moto-style denim jacket? If so, I want to point out to the costume department that those words should never be in a sentence together. Turns out Mona threatened to kill Charlotte, then Charlotte mocked her, and then she accidentally killed Charlotte. Thus solving a mystery I forgot I was supposed to care about.

 

After a little, “tell me where the flashbacks hurt you, Mona” chat, everyone figures out what we’ve known for a few weeks — Mona is totally not AD.

But after solving the mystery of Who Could Care Less Killed Charlotte, AD offers up the final puzzle pieces, which is basically a puzzle of a Japanese horror movie.

Turns out it’s actually some kind of augmented reality thing that leads them to where Archer Dunhill is buried: in the symbolic grave for Charles at Aunt Carol’s. They’re all set to dig him up when Aria points out that she’s tired of digging up bodies. 

Amen to that. Literally, nothing good has ever come from them burying or digging up a body. (I use the word literally a lot this week and I’m using it correctly 90% of the time). Even though they agree to leave Archer to the worms, there’s still a nothing good. This time the nothing good is Tanner, Highly Competent Police Officer. 

She just rolls in with a warrant, a front loader and a team of cops. Get it, girl. And because Tanner is taking shit from no millennial, she drags them into the police station to wait for the body to be dug up. 

Emily totally knows that her speech about saving Ali and the baby is ringing a little hollow right now. But before Ali gets to point that out, it turns out that Mary Drake is giving away more than shady motels as gifts.

She confesses to the whole damn thing. Tanner doesn’t buy it, but she also knows she can’t prove it. So Mary Drake is off to prison and Spencer has to keep the secret that her mom is going to do time on her behalf.

 

And with that, the game is over and they’re free to go.

I have no idea what they’re going to do beyond renovating a motel next week, but the trailer looks action packed.

I guess this week was just about tying up the game and some lesser mysteries before the real mystery is solved.

So while I appreciate that AD drives off into the literal sunset with a baggie of Liar figurines in the backseat to some solid karaoke classics with  “I can’t live, if living is without you,” I know she’ll be back. 

Well played on the power ballad, though. Well played. 

 

So this is it. We’re approaching the finale and I don’t even know if I’m ready for it. My final questions are:

  1. So now what?
  2. Will I be Dan Humphrey level disappointed? Or will they genuinely surprise me with clues that were actually in the series (not just Dan Humprey’d in there with some flashbacks)?
  3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how stoked will I be if there is actually a Secret Twin and we all figured it out ahead of time?
  4. Better yet, how stoked will I be if it’s randomly Ezra?