So, this week’s PLL was the standard-issue season 7 combination of a victory lap for the OG ships, combined with the slightest of advancement of the labyrinthine plot and how it all centers on Spencer’s complex family tree, and frankly, not a lot of fashion? But what there was, was fantastic. And thank jebus Mona Vanderwall is living in Lair 2.0, because the fact any of them believed she didn’t know about the EndgAme is the biggest WTF of all.

Things kick off with everyone’s fave legal-now-technically-but-never-not-ooky former student-teacher relaysh, now enjoying the worst part of any engagement: dance practice and debating place settings for the reception. That kind of sexy stuff. Both halves of #EZRIA are dressed as per ever, with Aria in separates that somehow magically work well together? And Ezra in PLL significant other plaid flannel. Her shoes? Are HELLA cute here.

Anyway, she’s still filled with angst about how the Face Swapping A.D. is forcing her to actually take an active role in the plot line for the first time in seven seasons. This thousand-yard stare is maybe par for the course for anybody when faced with discussion of Reception Place Settings, but even Ezra is starting to notice that something ain’t right with her. Still really into this ruffled sleeve top tho.

It really speaks to how used the others are to ignoring her drama to see how none of the Liars notice that Something Ain’t Right With This Gal. While the other chit chat about Spencer being born in a psychiatric institution and how they’re all being forced to grapple with a life-and-death evil Jumanji game, Aria just lurks in the background like…

Later, when challenged by A.D. to drop off a phone and sync it to the Hastings Compound Bluetooth, Aria improvs a bit by randomly appearing with gigantic bags of take-out food for her friend’s family, who did not ask her to bring any food. This lace-up top is typical Aria with the wackadoo proportions, turning her adorable torso into the top of a Converse sneaker, but she’s in a stage of emotional distress so I’ll allow it. Also? So many jean jackets this week.

She peaces out ten seconds after arriving, making it all the weirder that Spencer spends the rest of the episode being like, “But how??? Did that recording?? Get into my house???”

So anyway, back at the home front, Aria and Ezra are again expressing their passionate romantic relationship by… passing out, separately, in front of an old movie. It almost makes one long for the days of paper bag on head dates, right? Anyway, while snoozing in the WORLD’S CUTEST CAT PRINT BLOUSE…

Aria has a full-blown musical dream sequence, imagining what might happen if Ezra went to jail for breaking the law by stalking and then sleeping with her, and if Mona was a singing jail guard, and if the wedding was officiated by Spencer’s adoptive mom? Girl, I guess.

The highlight, naturally, was Janel Parrish throwing down the vocals. Get it, girl.

Anyway, Ezra finally is like, “Girl, are you upset because of how I on purpose targeted you for seduction so that I could glean info for my true crime novel about your 14-year-old friend who I had previously romanced even though I was an adult then, too, and how I kept a creepy Stalker Cabin and used you for literally years? Because if so, I mean, I get it.”

Aria “Gaslight” Montgomery, naturally, is too overwhelmed with her own guilt to question how the thing A.D. is blackmailing her with — her own written account of how Ezra is a predator — is maybe… not a bad thing to exist in the world? ANYWAY, this isn’t real life, it’s Rosewood, and I’ll just point out how cute Aria’s wee little ponytail is, and how truly excellent her brows and lashes are here as she gazes off into the middle distance.

Meanwhile, in the land of a couple whose own beginning had an ulterior motive but who overcame it in a healthy manner and neither of whom is a sexual predator, #Haleb are going strong, y’all. They’re comfy hanging out in her loft in underoos (him) and a much longer robe than usual (her), lying to the po-po as per ever.

Because on top of the whole Ali’s-Dead-Husband thing they’re hiding, they are also now also hiding the whole Destroying-Records-In-Ashley’s-Hotel thing. When Ashley tweaks something may be off about this, Caleb pulls a switcheroo by inviting her over for dinner. The mutual affection between mother and daughter is almost enough to distract her from her investigation. Hanna’s combining very high-rise jeans with a very low-cut top and a denim-colored leather jacket (?) along with this sort of flat-iron wave look she’s so into these days. Ashley is a gorgeous drink of Bordeaux from her flaw free lob to the tradmark shift dress.

Caleb further changes the subject from “Did you two interfere with a police investigation?” by popping the question… to Ashley. In that, he asked her if he could marry Hanna, basically, and she’s so verklempt (along with most of the viewing audience) that thoughts of ruined credit card receipts escape her mind totally.

To celebrate their sort-of engagement, which in short order becomes a real engagement (or possibly, a cigar-ring tent wedding?), Hanna and Caleb revisit the incredibly weird location of their first time hooking up, namely, a tent. Luckily, this time Hanna is wearing neither camo pants not a bodysuit, so–at least judging by their silhouettes–the undressing goes a bit easier this time.

Mazel tov, you crazy kids! Hope Caleb’s well and truly past that time he spent living among ghosts in Ravenswood! #Memories

 

As ever throughout this show’s seven seasons, Spencer is doing most of the heavy lifting vis-a-vis psychological horror, as she packs up her childhood because her adoptive/step(?)-mom is going to be a politician elsewhere. While packing, she comes across this baby blanket from Radley (???) that presumably, she was brought home in as an infant, because that’s the sort of thing the people who raised her would keep around and easy to find. As befits this gothic-level family plotline, Spencer’s look this week is all about a lion-like mane of hair, and that crazy eyed look we all love so much. Also: oatmeal sweater.

Seriously, this hair. I die.

So, Aria does the Bluetooth delivery thing, and then a recording plays that’s all blah blah Spencer’s Dad is the worst TV Dad since Laura Palmer’s dad on Twin Peaks blah blah, like any of that’s news. Love how Spencer/Troian has fully settled into ripped jeans, Cons, and sweaters 24/7 these days, like both the actor and character just DGAF about fancy dressing anymore.

The episode’s second jean jacket makes its debut as she has a showdown with Officer Hottie, effortlessly owning him while wearing a henley and ten pounds of eyeliner, because Spencer Hastings Is A Boss, like, are you new?

Then some blah blah with her bio-mom, in a creeptastic Hitchcockian mom-and-daughter reunion flashback sequence, including a Flashback Wig…

Finally, she introduces one single accessory, a bright pink/red handbag. But really, what accessories are required when one has this volume in one’s hair?

Honestly, moreso than anyone else on the show at this point, I heartily congratulate Spencer Hastings for getting out of bed each morning. Literally everything in her life is more than any other human could ever begin to deal with.

 

Spencer’s low key look this week necessitates upgrading Emily from most boring outfits to second most boring outfits, so: yay? Emily’s in a leather jacket, because her arms are made of leather at this point, and a white tee, and zzzzzz

Even Em’s hair is a little limper than usual, presumably because Spencer borrowed some of the volume for the week. And our gal’s never found a shapeless motto tee she didn’t instantly buy, so here’s her tribute to season 3 Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Oh, and that’s Mona in the foreground, because these two pair up this week to learn more about how it came to pass that Alison was impregnated without knowledge or consent with Emily’s harvested eggs. Re-read that sentence, y’all: this show. I mean.

The inclusion of Mona was a great opportunity to see all of her various moods, like…

Her pink sweater/necklace combo is pretty basic, but she knew she was meeting with the Liars and so clearly dressed to fit in. Because she unleashes Full Mona when she and Emily go undercover as a couple to the same gross doctor they think broke every medical ethics law imaginable when he impregnated Ali. Love these two together — Emily, in the world’s most boring dark top, Mona in… what is she…

Checkered pussy bow with studded cardigan, statement earrings, and her Getting Shit Done face. Girl, never leave my TV, ever.

And to her credit, I think Emily’s necklace is made of… gold safety pins? I mean… girl, I guess?

BUT, when these two finish their amazing team-up, Emily drops Mona off at her apartment and is like, “Night cap?” And Mona gets as shifty-eyed as Aria, like, “Maybe some other time, or whatever,” and slams the door in her face.

In the time-honored tradition of all the fake-out not-villain reveals, the camera sloooowllly winds around from Mona typing determinedly at her laptop to show the various walls of her latest Murder Board-filled lair. We see a picture of the EndgAme….

Her best attempt at a DiLaurentis family tree (even Mona couldn’t make sense of this gang of half-sibling/cousins)…

And info about Wilder, Spencer’s Mom, Ashley, basically the full supporting cast.

WYD, Mona? If we hadn’t already been faked out with the Not!A reveals of Toby, Ezra, and Mona (the first time around), I’d seriously think she’s A.D. or involved with A.D.

But more likely, she’s using her powers of hyper reality to protect the PLLs, as evidenced by her being in possession of THE SHOVELS OF DEATH.

I mean, truth and time tells all. But this is not my first rodeo, and it’ll take more than a slow panning reveal of a lair to make me believe any of the show’s recurring cast have actually broken bad.