Ok so we are now fully in an ALL HANDS ON DECK NON STOP BONKERS SITUATION. In France, witchcraft and whatever Narcisse is up to, with added SEXY YOUNG ROYALS; in England, Liz is being constantly almost assassinated and Gideon is not only #StillOnTheShow but like a real character now???; and in Scotland, Mary’s dealing with two human personifications of The Patriarchy along with an unplanned pregnancy. If this show was a bar graph, it would have launched right off the top of the grid last week, so now it’s just a ever-upwards trajectory of amazingness and we’re #blessed to be along for the ride. And here at YKYLF we’ve likewise thrown out our old 5 WTF format because everything is BONKERS and we’re just here to witness it.
WTF #7.5: #ScotsQuake
This episode started out with a family we’ve never seen before, and will never see again, just hanging out over a dinner of like, haggis and turnips or whatever. When suddenly there’s…. an earthquake? We’re too busy witnessing WTFs here to google if that was a real thing that happened but like… this can’t be a regular thing, right? So how did Father Scottie know right away for everyone to take cover under the table?
And why did he not follow his own advice? #RIPFatherScottie
WTF #7: That these losers would forsake citizens in need for the sake of politics and claim it’s for religious reasons? #subtweet
So Mary heads out to let her subjects gaze upon her amazing fur-lined cape and Viking-inspired braided ‘d0 (you know Davey Rizzio was the one being all Girl, of COURSE you can pull that look off!), such to help them through this time of post-ScotsQuake disaster relief. The people are obviously grateful to see her, as well as the shining beacon of deep conditioner and handsomeness known as Davey Rizzio.
For real. Her hair is SO CUTE you guys.
And yet Reverard Nobody is all, “We can’t pay to help these homeless ScotsQuake victims, why don’t you pay for it, you’re the Queen? Don’t you have money already? And who is this person with the amazing hair giving incredible side eye right now?”
And Mary’s like, “His name is Davey Rizzio and he is from ITALY and he is not only an orchestra conductor, but also my personal sommelier and hair expert and if anyone knows about how to finance ScotsQuake victims? It’s this Queen. And by Queen, I mean Davey. And also me.”
Then the noxious odour of The Patriarchy catches in the breeze and she has just enough time to gather herself before being forced to deal with the one and only GJK.
GJK, are you still on this show? Boy, bye. But also? FEROCIOUS fur here. This whole sequence is just filled with glorious tweeds and furs like Downton Abbey put in a blender and came out totally badass.
Obvz the dude from earlier is a fan of GJK, which is why he won’t help Mary/the Scottish people, as GJK lectures her in his trademark bloviating style.
Basically: he’s still the worst, he hates her, she hates him, but not in a fun sexy way like with Darnley, just in like a… RAGE WAY. Even Mary, who is never not calm cool and collected, can’t help herself from wanting to squish him with her mind.
WTF #6: Robin Hood + William Tell + Crazy Eyes = King Charles
After the “success” of last week’s tennis match, this week Event Planner/Prince Henri has set up a special couples archery session for his family. Like, couples archery is for sure something they have either done, or will do, on The Bachelorette, right? So anyway, Charles is doing AMAZING THANKS FOR ASKING because of Cathy’s dark magic spell. Like all he’s doing is standing around posing like someone from the opening credits of a 1990s sitcom.
And again with the fur. The costume department got some amazing deal on bulk vintage furs and it is delightful to watch.
So anyway, Henri is there being like, “Hey bro, cool nose job, it makes your face look crooked,” and Charles is like, “I’m totally chill now, and also amazing at archery so I challenge YOU to an archery DUEL,” and Henri is like, “Meh, I’m good,” and Charles is like, “But what if I shoot an apple off of your HEAD???” and Henri is like, “Hard pass.”
Sidenote: the bowl of fruit and loaf of bread for snacking on whilst couples archery? You know that’s Henri’s idea. He truly thinks of everything. EXCEPT FOR THIS!!! One minute he’s sitting there, holding an apple and mocking his brother…
And the next…
Yeah, so Charles shot the apple out of Henri’s hand??? While he was just sitting there???? Like he’s Katniss Everdeen in the tryouts or something.
Yet again, a Valois family bonding party is ended due to the brotherly animosity. Will any of Henri’s parties ever go to the end???
WTF #5: Jane, the servant who has totally been here this whole time
Liz and Gideon are spending some quality time chit-chatting when she’s like, “Wait, is this tea poisoned? You there, servant girl who 100% did not just arrive for the first time this scene, taste if for me, would you?”
Tea thoroughly assessed, Liz turns to Gideon who’s still as surprised as we are that he’s so involved in the A-plotline at all, not to mention how we’re actually really enjoying him now? But maybe that’s because we just noticed how his British accent is literally Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean and once you notice if you can’t stop noticing.
Oh, and so they’re still totally in love or whatever, but she has to marry What’s His Name Who Cares from last week, but she still lurrrves Gideon and they’re like, “If only we could run off together to canoodle as the peasants do.”
Also check out the back of Liz’s hair here. It’s like a Tudor rose in twisted braid format and we. are. apoplectic with how delightful that all is. But no time to admire! Gotta move on!
WTF #4: No sympathy for the devil
Remember last week Darnley was like, “I guess I’m going to go and whore and carouse my way across Scotland!”? Because this week he is, uncharacteristically, doing just what he said he was. He’s wearing leather leggings (another bulk purchase by the costume dept this week) and hanging out with a Russian sex worker who’s been gifted with Mary’s wedding necklace????? Darnley, please. Your thirst is showing.
But the thing is Mary unwisely took out a joint checking account with him and she has to ask for his permish to take some funds to help out the #ScotsQuake victims (remember them?). Mary is still rocking an early-stages-pregnancy empire waistline, looking v queenly in a bronze palette that’s not her usz.
Darnley yet AGAIN proves himself the ABSOLUTE WORST by only agreeing to give her the money if she invites him back to court and makes out with him in public. Like, at least GJK is sort of doing this for philosophical/religious reasons, whereas Darnley is just like… bored and evil. And rocking the HELL out of this pirate blouse and leather pants and boots ensemble.
So Mary weights the pros and cons of inviting this gross person back into her house VERSUS a bunch of #ScotsQuake victims going homeless. To further tempt her, Darnley shows her the TREASURE CHEST OF FORESHADOWING. Remember where it is and just how full it is, kids. This comes up on the test later.
Thank god our girl’s got herself a proper squad these days, so she changes lewks and heads to Ladies In Waiting 2.0 for some advice. She finds them looking INCREDIBLE and like, just look at how they are when she finds them. Davey Rizzio, posing the hell out of the fireplace ’cause he knows his angles; Greer, hair mermaid-y perfection in the centre square; LP, basically flexing his quads out of those leather pants (like: so many leather pants this week). If I was Mary, I’d run right in for a group hug, but our gal has more class than that.
Also this outfit? Is like… Reign often does this sort of layering thing, where they put a twee blouse inside of a glam evening gown and sometimes I love it but this one is giving me sort of schoolmarm vibes. But you dress for the job you want, and Mary wants to be a level-headed adult person, so I guess it’s appropes for her current mood.
Sorry, I can’t stop staring at Davey R over by the fireplace. His blouse is unbuttoned ALL THE WAY where I don’t think it even has buttons, he’s wearing like three necklaces, his trademark vest, and is just everything to me right now, like the cover art for a super sexy vinyl album from the 1970s.
And when Mary spills the tea on Darnley’s devil’s bargain, Davey serves up FACE.
LP is also here to help out, but whereas Davey and Greer are both good with the scheming and shifty-eyed situations, LP’s forte is either punching people out or just flashing dem dimples. The latter is his move here, which helps calm Mary down, so it’s all good.
WTF #3: It was Liz, on the beach, with the oar
Soooooo remember how Liz was like, “If only we could like like the peasants do!”? Because she does, and shows up at Gideon’s private fishing cabin (??) in what she thinks is disguise as a normal person but which is actually an extremely convoluted braided hair crown scenario and a Lord of the Rings cloak and she looks maybe not like Queen Liz, but definitely like elf royalty, so it’s like a half-successful disguise.
Gideon’s psyched to have this time with her at the… very desolate and cloudy beach fishing shanty town he likes to visit sometimes? Liz says with her words, “Yes, it’s cold and these clothes are scratchy but I envy how the normals can just love whoever they want!” but she says with her face, “WTF is this why didn’t I just take Gideon with me to my chalet somewhere with actual sunshine?”
Anyway, at least they’re together, blah blah blah
UNTIL!!! Guess who also likes to vacay here in the middle of nowhere among the driftwood? JANE!! The servant who we 100% did not just meet for the first time five scenes ago.
Liz is NOT going to risk anyone finding out about her secret romance with Gideon so basically on instinct, she knocks Jane out with a rogue oar.
After commercial break, it turns out Jane is not dead, just bound and gagged in the basement (????) of Gideon’s shack. And LizGid are debating if they should let her live or not. Would it surprise you to know Liz is on #TeamKill and Gideon is on #TeamDie?
But then out of nowhere, Liz is like, “I feel bad about how Lola died,” which makes her decide to let Jane live. She does so in the scariest possible way, basically growling at Jane to run somewhere far away and never show her face again and always watch her back because Liz will be there one day killing her, just not this day.
So LizGid head back to the castle, really pleased with his it all worked out and, presumably, with sand stuck all over themselves because they both had their once-annual bath a few episodes ago. Loving Liz’s puff sleeve aesthetic this week, and how this dress is sort of like an ombre olde timey pantsuit sort of thing with that neckline.
Everything’s great UNTIL… guess who’s in Liz’s room making the bed? That’s right! Recurring series character we all know and love, JANE!
Liz is like, “Did I not literally tell you to go anywhere else??” and Jane is like, “I need this job! I really need this job!” and Liz is like, “OK, but I will be keeping an EYE ON YOU!” which is categorically not true, as we learn in the next scene that Jane is a spy!
A spy! Who would have thought that Jane, a character we’ve known and loved now for YEARS, could betray Liz like this? Who is she working for? GJK? Narcisse? Mary? Darnley? CATHY? Is Jane part of CATHY’S FLYING SLUT SQUAD?? Or is she working for CLARISSA??? (Never letting go of my dream Clarissa will come back for the finale)
WTF #2: Cathy’s spell is like, damned if you do, damned if you don’t
So, at first Cathy is thrilled with how her evil spell has made Charles more Kingly (see above re: firing an arrow at his brother’s apple hand). He has more confidence, he fills out his leather pants more badassly, other people respect him more: great! Who’d have thought that evil random dark magic spells could be such a force for good in the world?
But then OH NOES. Charles has decided in his over-confidence that he’s going to attack the English/Protestants/whoever is a threat to France rn, using a misguided and unwise military operation.
It’s like that time in Harry Potter when Harry tricks Ron into thinking he took the potion to make him good at Quidditch, so he plays amazingly well, but then it turns out it was a placebo potion and actually, Ron’s just really good at Quidditch. I mean, just like that, except in 16th century France, and with death on the line. Cathy gets what I’m saying. She knows this has to end. (Also I LOOOVEEEEE this gold look on her; gold necklace, gold crown, gold dress, gold earrings just like a perfect beautiful statue of amazingness).
So, Cathy rushes off to her room to burn the Charles effigy and other bits and pieces of her spell, like: is that how evil dark magic works? I feel like burning this stuff would only like, intensify it? So anyway, Claude wanders in and catches her and Cathy has no poker face.
Claude (in her own v cute mini crown situation) is like, “OMG MOM! Are you doing evil black magic again? Like that time when you tried to murder me because you were hallucinating the ghost of my dead twin sisters who you thought I killed but really it was Diane????? GET OVER YOURSELF!! Also: HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!”
So, spell un-broken, Cathy sets up a scenario where Charles will deal with the English/Protestants/The Darkness/Red Knights vis-a-vis diplomacy, so all’s good again, because she’s never read the short story The Monkey’s Paw to learn that when you get something magic that is helpful, something far worse happens to you too.
The whole Valois fam head out to the former tennis court/archery arena to await Charles’s return from his diplomatic mission. As per always, they look exactly as dysfunctional as they are.
And his return is… not what they expected. Like, when you’re making CATHY DE’MEDICI scream in terror? You may want to question your choices.
Yeah, so instead of diplomating with the Protestants/Druids/The Darkness, Charles cut off their heads nad put those heads on spikes and made his poor soldiers ride home with the spike-heads. This basically will cause a war, I guess, but also makes Cathy re-think her timing for turning off the magic spell.
She goes to Charles’s boy cave to be like, WYD??? And he’s not exactly back to the dripping with blood vampire thing, but he’s also no longer cocky 1990s opening credits Charles. He’s just this profoundly damaged teenager desperate to look strong, and Cathy is like, “I have no idea what that’s like because I have the self-confidence of a mediocre white man and have since I was born, but baby, how can I help you????”
At least this time in his pain he doesn’t throw her to the ground, but lets her hug him. So that’s like, babysteps forward for Charles as an okay human being.
But honestly? I’ve got to side with Narcisse on this fam, Henri would be clearly much better at this whole King gig.
WTF #1: Even Davey Rizzio’s wine and dancing can’t distract Darnley from BEING THE LEGIT WORST
So, Mary and her Dream Team finish doing their deep conditioning hair treatments and prepare for their SECRET PLAN. Step one is, disgustingly but necessarily, inviting Darnley back to court and pretending like everything’s fine. Darnley pulled out yet another fur for this occasion, and these two do such a great job of looking royal but palpably detesting each other.
Then, hearkening back to that time Darnley did the boxing match and Mary sort of started to like him, he leans in for a big PR-showy kiss in front of everybody. Look at how she instinctively pulls back here. There was also a great moment when, post-kiss, she couldn’t help but wipe her mouth off. Just: no.
LP is at the soiree too, but basically just clenching his dimples and doing his best not to just lunge at Darnley with like seventeen knives.
Anyway, Davey R shows up like, “Someone needs to talk to you! It’s so important!” and Mary is like, “I GUESS I HAVE TO GO NOW,” and slips off with him. (Sidenote: Davey looks FANTASTIC with extra-shiny hair matching this very shiny gold-embellished jacket) (Oh and also I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet, but Mary’s pale green gown is STUN.NING. too. Pregnancy high couture).
Basically, their plan is that Mary will skeedaddle with LP to Darnley’s house, steal the money from his treasure chest, and come back before anyone knows she’s left. Davey’s job is to keep Darnley busy with drinking and having fun, which: he is the perfect person for this job, obviously.
Or he WOULD have been, if GREER HADN’T BEEN SO SHIFTY-EYED. Darnley eventually is like, “Where is Mary, btw?” and Greer, who was in on the plan, is lost for words.
Davey, sensing tension, pops right over with a full goblet of wine, but even that is not enough to get Darnley off the scent of this caper.
So Darnley heads back to his house, catches LP there, there are the anticipated fisticuffs, etc. Mary, meanwhile, slips out unnoticed and heads back to her party in a dress we really need to look at again, because it’s just divine.
But the thing is, his treasure trunk was not as full as it should have been. It turns out Darnley is The Worst in a new and troubling way, in that he’s been using his money to buy off nobles to support him against Mary. And Davey Rizzio is like, “I LIVE FOR THIS DRAMA but also like, girl, wyd?”
Mary and Darnley then have their once-weekly screaming match, where she’s like, “You’re going behind my back to unseat me as the Queen???” and he’s like, “OBVIOUSLY, I AM DARNLEY, A NAME SYNONYMOUS WITH BEING THE WORST!”
Just like with GJK earlier, again Mary can’t restrain her face from showing how she truly feels.
Later on, she changes into a fabulous mock-turtleneck gown and new earrings to visit LP, who’s in jail now (??) and also very, very bruised from his run-in with Darnley and Darnley’s soldiers. And LP’s like, “Maybe we should just like, kill your husband? I mean… can we just?” and Mary’s like, “Oh no, I’m sure there is a less murder-y way to deal with all of this.”
GIRL. DO WHAT HE SAYS! LOSE THE DEAD WEIGHT! CHECK YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF! GOOGLE YOUR OWN NAME! THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL FOR YOU!!!
Not-WTF #0.5: Because of course these two would get along
It’s not a WTF that Darnley (in an INCREDIBLE tweet/plaid/Scottish cloak ensemble) decided to team up with GJK because these two deserve each other. I’m sure they exchanged looks at a Meninist support group meeting and realized they are two halves of a BFF necklace that’s made of like, slime and treachery.
Here’s to hoping that Darnley’s mercurial nature turns on GJK and takes him down, too. At the very least, the more these two spend time together, the easier it will be to take them out with one swing. But just like, UGH.