I don’t feel like cheap plastic you can get at Old Navy for $1 but I guess I am because I’m flip-flopping on this season of queens. In Snatch Games, I was living for Alexis but this time around? Good lord, bitch, you watched 90210 in the 90s. You’re in the your 30s. Farrah’s three infants stacked on top of each wearing a lace front. We need to move on. Just put Trinity and Shea in the top three and draw straws for the other one because I see the front runners and they’re streets ahead.

The Challenge

Doing drag is itself a parody so it makes sense Drag Race is inundated with these softball pun sketches. I watched 90210. You watched 90210. We all watched 90210. It’s relatable. But watching a TV show doesn’t imbue you with comedic timing, acting talent or diction. I remember old seasons of Drag Race where queens would be livid they had to act saying, “I lip synch for a living, I’m not gonna be an actor!” But queen, RuPaul wouldn’t have picked you to be on the show if she thought you’d be a bar queen for the rest of your life. Take this class and take some notes, and get an agent.

As you can see, the gals are dolled up in their finest 90s attire. Though DeLiA*s and Wet Seal have passed, they will never be forgotten. The pressure cooker formula for Drag Race is necessary to keep the show entertaining but in some situations, I feel gross for watching a queen sweat. And it’s usually in an acting challenge, and it’s usually because someone doesn’t feel talented or intelligent enough to make the grade. But then again, here I am watching every season and cringing less and less.

I’m sure the close quarters makes any leadership role on Drag Race extra stressful but this notion of letting everyone choose their parts in a challenge is utter bullshit. As the leader, your challenge is to take control and make it happen. None of this, “Oh, which part are you most comfortable with?” That doesn’t happen in real life. Pull up your socks and don’t hide behind an “executive decision”—just do your job. After that, it’s up to the cast to own their part and if they can’t? Wash your hands, bitch.

Oh, these outfits are cute too, I guess.

Quick shout out to Jenny Garth and Tori Spelling for still being friends after all these years. And special shout out to these roman shades they’ve fashioned into a garment of their liking.

RuPaul

VELVET? On the runway? (Or velour?)

The Runway

The theme is Big Hair on the Runway!

Alexis Michelle

OK, she’s got some range when it comes to looks. She can do glam, costume, concept—I feel it. And this feels worn out, but I see what she’s doing. I think this might be the first time I agree with the judges and wish the dress—which looks like the hair she kept from the back of her head—hit the floor.

Aja

This hoopty won’t hunt. I’ve given up on this design motif. The hair is big so you hit the runway challenge.

Farrah Moan

Now this hair dwarfs her entire head so that’s a pass. I was surprised Farrah did well in the challenge but then again, her character was a whiny teenager. And they read Cynthia for playing a character that was basically herself. Hmph.

Nina Bo’nina Brown Elks Lodge Member 220

It’s big hair. It’s big face. It’s big tits. It’s another corset over a bodysuit. It’s fine.

Peppermint

This could be Peppermint’s drag aesthetic for the rest of her life. That hat is beautiful and I’m into this gown. Tens across the board.

Sasha Velour

Lord, I love a twist on a theme. It’s true when you think “big hair” as a theme, you’re naturally gonna gravitate to pageantry or beehives. This is very Sasha and can we discuss the body she is serving? That sultry, leggy walk in that leather jacket? Good woof.

Shea Couleé

Michelle was right. The swimsuit and jacket are a basic look but this hair and the attitude push it over the edge. Are they saving more of Shea for the finals or? Because she’s funny, looks great and has a positive attitude when it comes the entire nightmare of Drag Race.

Trinity Taylor

Unstoppable. And you know she made that herself.

Valentina

Look, I’m a disco queen, so any 70s connection no matter how tenuous is gonna start me up. And bitch, this look turned me into Mick Jagger. I’m getting Diana, Donna, Minnie Riperton, tasteful Playboy centrefold and I’m gasping.

The Lip-Synch

Between Aja and Nina, I would’ve preferred Aja to stay but I can tell Ru’s keeping Nina around to try and counsel her into a better person. Which is nonsense because RuPaul is not a licensed therapist. Did you read that clearly? RUPAUL IS NOT A LICENSED THERAPIST AND ALL THE LIFE EXPERIENCE IN THE WORLD DOESN’T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO TELL PEOPLE HOW TO FIX THEIR PROBLEMS. This is not just advice she’s trying to impart. There’s an edge to all of this and I’m concerned for the throngs of people out there who are desperately seeking their inner saboteur. Take all the advice on this show with a shaker of salt.

Oh, Aja lost.

You, talking about me when I’m ranting about the politics of Drag Race (I guess):