It’s Ali’s turn to play Rosewood Jumanji, and AD may have crossed a few too many lines this time. Nicole escaped from the trauma clinic and didn’t tell Ezra, who didn’t tell her he’s engaged to someone else. He’s sorry. So sorry. Just really sorry. Like, you know, sorry. Aria is taking Facetime calls with AD and considering getting onto the “winning team” (… or is she already there???) by throwing her friends under the metaphorical bus. Spencer is back on the hunt for Mary Drake. The finger is Archer Dunne’s.  And Emily gets a moment of happiness with Paige before Ali inadvertently ruins it again. Overall, nothing makes sense anymore and we’re just rolling with it.

I really want there to be a rhyme or reason to who shhhh’es at the beginning. Like, it’s a tip-off about who is taking a turn. Which would make sense that Ali is doing this.

But last week was Spencer with the open and Hanna had to take the turn. So I feel like this is random. Or a clue about Aria.

Looks like Rosewood Jumanji can travel and it’s made its way over to Ali’s. 

I would have some serious concerns about this. Like — how is it getting through doors? And how is no one noticing this giant box being moved around? Also, was it necessary to move the game just to let Ali know it was her turn?

In spite of Toby’s grief and conveniently dead wife, Spencer’s relationship with Hot Cop is moving along nicely. 

Get it, girl.

 

Looks like Hanna’s no show with the investors meant no money for her fashion line. Her mourning wear for the occasion is a black lace top that’s kind of sexy Little Women go to a funeral.

But you know what? I don’t completely hate it. What I do hate is the cropped flared jeans.

What is happening to denim these days??

 

Emily is missing meetings and heading to work in a white tee and fatigue-like shirt as though she’s never heard of dressing for a job that doesn’t involve serving coffee. I get the sweats (practical when you’re a swim coach), but dammit Emily, you have a grown up job. I’m not saying you need to wear a pantsuit, but don’t look like you’re rolling into a hangover brunch either.

I mean, we’ve all been there, but we all pull it together for work.

Meanwhile, Paige is going to extremes with a super casual denim jacket and with pieces from the Mariska Hargitay collection.

I really want Paige to give up on whatever it is she does at school and become a detective.

But seriously, I don’t even understand what’s going on at this school when it comes to teachers and how they dress. (Teachers, feel free to correct me on this one. I’ve been out of the game for awhile).

I really wanted to yell career advice at Paige this week. Things like “get out while you still can!” and “think of your career!” when she waffles over being a swim coach at the University of Iowa. But apparently having a job that you show up to regularly and get paid for is not super important in the Rosewood universe (or they have really excellent vacation and personal day policies at every employer).

Paige decides against a career as a swim coach and stays for Emily after their adorable bike race to the pool. I’m glad they got to be happy for all of 5 minutes because we all know this won’t end well. Minor characters should start taking my advice and stop trying to be happy in Rosewood. 

 

As much as I whine about Ali’s lackluster style, she does seem to dress in professional attire and show up to work regularly.

This outfit is like 85 percent of the way to be great. The laser cut jacket and big black and white floral are aces. But the v-neck with lace edging is not. So is her attitude with Hot Boyfriend Cop who comes to tell her that Archer Dunhill is decomposing somewhere and they have his finger. When you bury the body, don’t get uppity when the police question you about it.

However, that is a great blue suit. Well played, Detective Boyfriend! Upon closer inspection, I’m not loving the cut of this jacket on Ali. I don’t love where it falls with the longer shirt or the hem. It looks sloppy from behind. Outfit is now downgraded to 80 percent great. 

So, Ali’s turn involves making her build a baby registry. Which is super lame of AD. Can we just respect her choice to not have a baby with her dead, creepy con-artist husband? 

She is really into the florals and blazers this season. I’m not mad at this combo though. The screenshot doesn’t do it justice — the color was actually really great on her.

So, I was getting annoyed that AD wasn’t respecting Ali’s choices and that this would be the worst part of the plot, but then this happened.

Apparently, she was impregnated with Emily’s baby. TOO MUCH, SHOW. TOO F***ING MUCH. Also, at this point, my husband yelled, “Can someone call the cops already? And not the boyfriend cops?” and I almost agree with him (except, you know, seven seasons means I know that there are no such thing as actual competent, non-boyfriend cops to be called).

 

Mr. Hastings is still one of the top five worst parents ever: he’s actually been in the States since Spencer was shot and hasn’t even called. He has been secretly working with a private investigator to find Mary Drake so he can keep her away from Spencer, who obviously wants to get a little face time with her birth mother without blood loss being involved. Not that Mr. Hastings would know what Spencer wants.

Are there only two types of sweaters for older white dudes to wear?

Spencer’s blouse is fantastic — super simple, but the white trim gives it a little something extra. Her decision to pair it with elastic waisted pants makes me weep for that blouse’s potential.

She follows that halfway there outfit with a great jacket and a dress of a seriously questionable length.

Her game is a little off this season — I seem to only love half of her outfits. Cute boot alert though! I’m all over both hers and Hanna’s. 

Hanna has joined her on the Mary Drake Mystery Tour of Pennsylvania.

Whereas Ali is all over the Ann Taylor style this season with her blazers and floral tops, Hanna is doubling down on bomber jackets with zippers on the sleeves (this is what, the third one this season?).

The floral of this jacket with a crop top is working for me though. Great for the start of a convoluted plot a reunion with Pastor Ted! Who just happens to be harboring a fugitive.

Oh, and guess what? He’s totally Charles’/Charlotte’s father and former camp counselor! 

What a coincidence! Of course, no one knew any of this until now. And guess who was friends with Charles at Pastor Ted’s summer camp for future killers? F***ing Lucas. Seriously, PLL? Seriously? You’re just going to throw all of this at us now? If you even try to tell us Lucas is anything more than another damn red herring I’m going to lose it.

Because all of this isn’t convoluted enough, Mr. Hastings tells Spencer the truth that there’s something about Mary. Turns out it was her who was creeping around dressed as Jessica DiLaurentis and spying on Spencer (or planning to kill her) when she got out of rehab.

None of this makes any sense (like, literally no sense here), but I appreciate that they remembered that weird moment from a few seasons ago and attempted to explain it.

Further plot lines that don’t make a whole heck of a lot of sense is the decision not to tell Nicole that her fiancé has a new fiancée. She’s not impressed by the news or by Ezra’s writing (frankly, neither am I. It doesn’t look great) and throws the poorly written book at him. 

Aria takes the news about both Nicole being kept in the dark (figuratively this time) and her literary criticism really well in her adorable sweater.

It’s the buttons that take it from “enh” to “that’s actually pretty cute”.

Aria is basically the worst friend ever though. Not only does she ditch Ali mid-challenge, but she does it to go have a rendezvous with AD in his/her limo.

She’s apparently never heard the words “Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered”, because she’s all, sure! I’ll meet a psycho in a limo! Luckily for her, it’s just Sydney with an earpiece.

And here I was hoping someone in this town had grown up. Whatever, Aria is back to having the best outfits.

This is a lace top I love and the black bow is an excellent detail. The structured tweed jacket is a great choice and she keeps it from getting too twee with ripped jeans. Let’s get a look in better light. 

Well played, Aria. I like everything about this outfit. 

When she finally drops in for a visit with her friends — who are now dealing with the news that Ali is having Emily’s baby — they give her shit for being a horrible friend who isn’t around when they need her, because after seven seasons they have finally started to notice that Aria is always off dealing with Ezra when A decides to get torture-happy with the rest of them. If only they knew about her Facetime buddy when Rosewood Jumanji decided that Hanna would get another turn.

I can’t decide who AD hates the most: Ali or Hanna? I do know that AD is a big Aria fan. It’s probably the adorable outfits.