It’s the Homecoming Dance, and in the grand tradition of teen shows, drama is afoot and parents are inexplicably chaperoning. Alice invites Jughead and FP over for a family dinner before the dance while Archie and Veronica investigate FP’s trailer. Betty and Jughead are convinced that FP’s cleaned up act isn’t just an act, but Veronica and Archie aren’t sure. At the dance, Betty sees her mom conspiring with them and puts it all together. Jughead catches on and feels totally betrayed by all three, only to hear that his dad’s been arrested for the murder of Jason Blossom.

Betty has a lot on her plate — not only is she trying to keep her mom from going full Carrie Mathison on her boyfriend’s dad, but she also has to plan a Homecoming Dance. Fortunately, she’s heard L-A’s pleas from episode 10 and is multitasking in this very cute sweater.

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What a perfect Betty sweater! The built in collar is delicate and sassy. She tops it with a cute light blue peacoat, and while she’s still not winning the outerwear game, at least she isn’t in another ill-fitting bomber jacket.

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I know blue is Betty’s power color, but the pinks in the collar are so gorgeous on her. I’d love to see her lean into that a little more, especially with the pink lip they give her.

 

For a normal high school student, Betty’s peacoat would be more than sufficient, but it pales in comparison to Veronica’s full-length, beautifully fitted peacoat.

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Paired with her bold lip and impeccable eyebrow arch, Veronica’s got a wonderful femme fatale-vibe. And, of course, under the coat she has yet another skater dress with an embellished neckline.

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Veronica loves the daytime glamour almost as much as the girls from The Lying Game. No pearls this week for V, though, because she’s on team “My dad totally murdered someone.”

 

Vulture ran an article earlier this week citing the influences of different teen movies on the ladies of “Riverdale,” and they correctly traced Cheryl’s roots to Amber from “Clueless.”

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Fingers crossed that Elisa  Donovan makes an appearance next season as Clifford Blossom’s twin sister.

 

The rest of Cheryl’s look is pretty Cheryl-standard: the plaid mini, the knee high boots. What really impressed me was the reverse shot that showed just how much hair Cheryl has.

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I’d always assumed they pulled all of her hair over the shoulder, but no. Cheryl’s got a glorious mane, which makes the subsequent Clifford reveal even better …

 

CLIFFORD BLOSSOM WEARS A WIG.

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I love this show because the mannequin head reveal is played for maximum drama. In the real world, this is just something Polly would giggle about later. In the world of Riverdale, this is MAXIMUM DRAMA.

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I have so many questions about the wigs. Who makes these wigs? Why didn’t dying his hair work? Which wig is his fox hunting wig? Does the Maple Syrup God demand shorter sideburns for the Syrup ritual? I need Sarah Koenig to start investigating Clifford’s wig situation.

 

Polly tells Betty her plan to get into the Blossoms’ inner sanctum while wearing a Blossom-wine dress and Cooper-blue headband.

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She later makes the critical error of drinking a drugged milkshake. Word of advice: if an immaculately dressed member of a maple sex cult encourages you to drink an entire milkshake quickly, it’s pro­bably drugged.

I mean, really, do these look like people who wouldn’t slip you a tranquilizer after lying about how they got their dead son’s engagement ring? Rookie mistake, Pollykins.

 

At least Polly was able to snoop in the Blossoms’ closet before taking her unplanned nap. Not only did she and Cheryl find Jason’s engagement ring (which he had on him when he died), but we got to see yet another gorgeous slip/robe combo from Cheryl.

It’s too bad Cheryl is required to only wear shades of black and red while out of the house, because that teal absolutely sings against her red hair. Maybe next year, when she breaks free of the Maple Sex Cult, her color palette will branch out a little and we’ll get to see her in some more jewel tones.

 

Between the Blossoms drugging Polly, Alice interrogating FP over pie, and Sheriff Keller arresting FP, the parentals were an unstoppable force tonight. But perhaps the most buzzworthy parent moment was the debut of Fred’s James Bond look – complete with a woman on each arm.

It takes a special kind of man to roll into his son’s school dance holding hands with both his ex-wife and the still-married mother of his son’s “It’s Complicated” Facebook status. But I guess that’s why you cast Luke Perry: to be that special kind of man. He could have come to the dance with Hermione and Mary on each arm and Pop riding piggyback and I wouldn’t question it.

 

As for the moms, their formalwear is hit and miss – hit for Hermione, definite miss for Mary. But of course, we knew Hermione was going to knock it out of the park. That’s never a surprise. The shock was seeing Alice Cooper bring it in this curve hugging number.

For Mrs. Cooper, that neckline is downright scandalous!

I’m still not clear on her character – she seemed crazy conservative early on, but this is not the dress of a woman who’s trying to hide her light under a bushel. She’s showing off her bushels with a plunging neckline and illusion netting, and it’s working. Honestly, Alice got more done up for this dance than Betty did.

You couldn’t loan Betty your curling iron, Alice? Maybe that bright lipstick? Betty’s hair is sadder than one of Archie’s original songs. Her dress is cute, but it’s a little rigid for my liking.

 

Jughead was a fan, though – at least, until he was betrayed by all his friends conspiring to distract and interrogate his dad. But let’s not dwell on sad Jughead. Let’s appreciate how adorable he looked in his suit!

I’m surprised Juggie had a suit that fit, but I’m not going to complain because he looks like the star of his own John Hughes movie. Part of me wishes he hadn’t worn that damn beanie, but I realize that’s asking a lot of him. I’ll just be grateful he tucked in his shirt … unlike *some* people …

How did Archie make it past FredRico Suave *and* Veronica with his shirt untucked? How did Kevin not give Archie a talking-to? I know he’s supposed to be the tortured artist type and all, but come on. Betty put a lot of work into this dance. Tucking in your shirt is the least you can do before you and Ronnie break her heart through song.

 

Also, how gorgeously vampy is our girl V? Her 40s vibes from earlier are gone. Now she’s glittery-goth in a tea length dress with last week’s replacement pearls. It’s hard to make a strand of pearls feel rock & roll, but with the bold makeup and plunging neckline, Veronica’s found a way to bring some New York edge to her Homecoming outfit. As for her choice to cover “Kids in America” … well, I think it’s safe to say that Veronica has watched “Clueless” almost as many times as I have.

 

Cheryl storms out in the middle of the song, presumably because she respects the greatness of the “Clueless” soundtrack and refuses to accept any imitations. Fortunately, her storm-off means we get a great view of her dress.

It’s yet another dress perfect for a Bachelorette rose ceremony.

The high slit, the plunging neckline (with, presumably, a school-approved modesty panel), the elaborate back – all of it screams “Brayden, will you accept this rose?”

I do love that she went with a high ponytail, though. It’s a great change of pace from her usual mane and gives the whole dress an “I Dream of Jeannie” vibe.

 

Kevin Keller watch: Yes, he was in this episode, no he did not get any good bon mots.

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Come back next week and we’ll see if we can fix that.