Oh, y’all wanted several twists? This was the second full squad lip-sync challenge for the gals and no spoiler here, Alexis Michelle destroyed it. No brainer because she’s a Broadway queen, but she deserves more than Michelle Visage’s compliment drawl, which includes:

“Freeeeeeeeeakin Hillllllaaarrrrrrrrrrr”

“You sllllllayyyyyyyyyyyed it”

“IhaveasongonTheBodyguardsounnnnnndddtraaaaccckkkkkk”

I felt this episode was getting back to the good Drag Race stuff, but still lacklustre. The mini challenges always add a lil tension which helps build the storylines but we’re on episode five and this is the first one? I mean, lemme see Nina meltdown during a mini challenge instead of crying on the runway. 

Real talk: The segment where they discussed the sensitive topic of eating disorders was raw and handled with surprising care. Old school drag race used to go deep on queer-specific topics that don’t get a lot of attention on television so hats off to the gals for sharing because that do take nerve.

But let’s get into the business: a Kardashian musical.

If you like the show or family, that’s fine. You do you. But is the production team that tapped out? Did they use all their good challenges on All Stars 2? Stop slo-pitching these heauxs and give them a task they can tear into.

The story goes all the way back to the beginning of Kardashian lore by showing three characters that should have already been Drag Race judges: Britney, Paris and Lindsay. Peppermint looks great—that bodysuit is hot af. Trinity looks more like Romy and Michelle’s other sister, Wanda. When did Paris have that Miss Baltimore Crabs hair? Sasha’s fine as Lindsay because if there’s one thing a drag queen knows how to do it’s parody a woman with a drinking problem.

It was a no-brainer to cast Valentina and Farrah as Kendall and Kylie. Look at them. Put them in the line up next to Alexis’ spot-on Kris and Cynthia’s unblended Kim, and you know exactly who these two are. Who the hell does Todrick think he is saying he didn’t read Kylie on Farrah? What else is there? She’s got a green hat on. The lips have been plumped. She’s not doing anything. THAT’S KYLIE DOWN.

Now we get to the good stuff. Well, mostly just Alexis. The bitch stayed in character the whole time and if you watch this episode back and peep the background you’ll see her doing the most. Aja and Nina hardly got clocked on camera for being no-name characters. Khloe’s been a judge twice on this show, Kourtney’s got some personality squirrelled away. But these two look like backup dancers at their rich husbands’ funerals.

Actually, back to my point about Khloe—and to echo my irl Nina—how do they not have a single Kardashian as a judge? Instead they brought in this throw pillow:

I read a tweet yesterday that said, “I hate unicorn culture,” and oh good christ do I ever relate to that sentiment. What are you gaining from wearing a unicorn onesie on television? Who is this helping? “Oh, I’m going to hang out with drag queens so I’m gonna wear something CrAzY.” Girl, these men put in hours—HOURS—of time to turn out some fierce fashion and you, a young swamp siren, have the audacity to display this tomfoolery while on the same dais as eternal source of light, RuPaul?

RuPaul

Let’s take a peek at what Ru wore:

I’ve always wondered what’d happen if you cracked open a kaleidoscope. Do you think TIME magazine named RuPaul one of the most influential people in the world because they were hypnotized by this pattern?

RuPaul, in the workroom, you didn’t pull any punches. And tonight on the runway, you really *neck movement neck movement neck movement* knocked us out *neck movement neck movement neck movement*. URSAFE.

The Runway: Faux Fur Fantasy

Hey, VH1, can you take a few pink and purple gels off the runway lights so we can actually see what the gals are wearing? I swear, Aja walked out in the (already) holographic body holster and I was momentarily blinded. I wish the bra didn’t use fur to cover the chest. It was cute enough without.

Alexis before the runway: I’ve got to step it up and stand out

Alexis, preparing to stand out: Anyone wanna go to the mall?

Michelle called her out for the basic look, so at least that’s taken care of, but for someone who pulled out that blue-faced rainbow-haired look on the storybook challenge this is shockingly bland.

Girl, you sewed three snuggies together and didn’t bother to do a “reveal” until your back was facing the judges and you were almost out the door? No ma’am.

RIP, Eureka. I haven’t been a fan of you the past few weeks but I won’t kick a queen when she’s down.

 

The silver lining is that we got a VERY dramatic twist at the end of this episode. I figured something was up when the budget PA walked directly into the shot and Ru didn’t unleash her blood fury with her neon claws.

^^To be fair, Drag Race had humble beginnings so I kind of thought this was just shitty editing.

Farrah, what the hell is draping from your neck? That shade of green paired with that tin contraption looks like a low rent Christmas tree you copped at Duane Read on December 28.

Nina is serving you some 2000s video heaux and I love it. She stomped that runway like she smelled some hateration and was not having it on tonight in the dancery.

Much like her hit single with Jonny McGovern, Peppermint is serving. it. up. in the pom-poms. It also looks like she’s reheating that pink fabric from the lingerie challenge but no one clocked it on the runway. That’s the mark of a veteran. In the cut for decades and she still knows how to turn it out.

Shout out to Sasha for bringing Cossack Couture to the runway. She’s also a pom-pom queen but it does add a nice touch of whimsy. Like, that could be a really sloppy application but it works?

Me when I’m finally entertained by a Drag Race episode:

Hello, yes, I would like to subscribe to this newsletter. I like almost everything about this look. The only thing holding it back is that I can’t witness it in person. I said it last week and I’ll say it again, Shea is one of the best queens this season. Nearly everything she brings to the runway is interesting plus she’s funny and intelligent. See you in the top four.

And round of applause for this Blac Chyna album drop.

Oh, Trinity. What are you doing here? Looking like Adam Aunt. Every time someone’s tried to do a jungle-themed runway it comes out a total mess. I mean, Kimora just did this. And remember RuAnimalllllll by COCO? Tomfoolery.

Why focus on fur when you can also work in snakeskin? Again, Valentina deserves a lot of credit for coming forward and talking about her struggle with her eating disorder. As if she was already aesthetically beautiful now we find out she’s a beautiful soul, too.

The Lip-sync

Honestly, this was a bit of a mess. I think it would have been better if they didn’t have to dance to that god awful Woman Up song. I don’t like the notion of embracing femininity by singing about putting on lipstick and then saying you got to “woman up”. Drag already teeters on the precipice of parody and misogyny. But I guess you gotta work with what your budget allows for in terms of song licences.

Cynthia’s a good dancer but after her Nike shorts fiasco, how dare she wear mismatched bra and panties. Especially in red and black. What is this, a My Chemical Romance burlesque show?

Farrah’s obviously not much a dancer but if you watch closely, she served you those lyrics and can at least keep time. If Eureka didn’t have to be sent home, Cynthia would’ve been taking that cucu to go. Especially after that piss poor Kardashian lip sync:

I hear rumour that there may be another queen joining the cast since they had to send Eureka home. I fully doubt that but this is the first season on VH1, and RuPaul is quite obviously a stunt queen. If it is true and it is Laila McQueen returning, I’m not sure how that’ll impact the front runners already in the race. Even with experience, I don’t think another queen could get ahead of Shae, Sasha, Valentina or Trinity right now. But, you know, love your hair, hope you win.

Bonus Kris Gif