Archie has feelings about his parent’s divorce and decides to drunk dial his dad about it. Veronica joins the gang of sleuthing teens after she learns the Blossoms may be up to no good. Betty throws a surprise party that Jughead would rather not have, made worse (or better?) when Cheryl crashes the party with the captain of the sexual assault team, whose back at school after his suspension, and a game of Truth that doesn’t exactly go as she planned (turns out humiliating Veronica Lodge is harder than Cheryl expected). But Archie’s secret affair is out in the open — so maybe a return of Geraldine Grundy is in order. 

Like any normal teen, Veronica heads to school in black lace and a choker. Just because she spilled her her pearls all over the bathroom in anger doesn’t mean she’s done with daytime pearls. You’ll recall from previous episodes that she occasionally swaps out her classic string of pearls for a pearl choker, because just because you’re committed to a signature accessory doesn’t mean you have to be boring about it. Note, also, the matching pearl bracelet.

I love that she’s able to do a forensic audit of her dad’s finances when she’s not busy with school and wowing the cheerleading squad. The glasses are how she takes her look from daytime formal to all bizness.

Hermione is winning the outerwear game this week with that wide wine colored collar on her coat.

 

Val doesn’t really have much to do with this episode except hold her ground with Archie and wearing all the best outerwear while she does so. I mean, the suede motorcycle jacket? The denim shearling?

Literally not having any of his shit (neither is Melody for that matter). Just look at the reactions when she tells him to take a hike with a drink in the face.

Is there a Tumblr of Kevin Keller reactions? Because there should be.

 

While everyone else is knocking it out of the park, our best friend Betty dresses like 2007 in a boring gray sweater and brown skirt. I think I saw Veronica Mars wear something like it, which makes sense since we already know she’s in the lead for our new favorite teen sleuth.


I get that she’s supposed to be a slightly repressed girl next door, but a little more love from the costume department would hurt, would it? Even more of this look.

That cropped crown sweater is straight up cute. A little on the nose for a Jughead birthday, but she does seem like the sort of girl who would coordinate her outfit to every event. She probably dresses in green for St. Paddy’s Day and red for Valentine’s.

I just want Betty to have better sweaters, that’s all. And maybe better outerwear. And a better ponytail. It seems unfair that she has almost identical style to Kevin Keller. Especially when her mom gets to waltz around in this of a dove gray floral blouse with a giant bow.

Perfect for the first day on the job as a plot device/school newspaper’s academic advisor. Having your mom as an advisor to a newspaper you started to investigate a murder can only end well, right?

 

Chuck, the school’s date rape leader, needs to watch himself though.

She’s literally on the edge of going full Dark Betty and that should have scared him more. When she finally blows, it’s going to be epic. I mean, she’s making herself bleed when she makes a fist.

 

Ouch.

Looks like Jughead’s totally misread his girlfriend when he gave her the super contrived “we’re too different! I’m the weird loner and you’re the girl next door!” breakup attempt. Our favorite loner has no idea just how many issues the WASP girl next door can bottle up.

Super glad his dad thwarted that break up. Mr. Jones was almost in full responsible dad mode again this week, except that he didn’t break up the teen kegger until after his kid was in a fight. He was also ruining Kevin Keller’s chances of getting some — which, come on. I really want more plot for Kevin and so far, this is all I’m getting.

Maybe I’ll just start my own Kevin Keller reaction tumblr. (I totally won’t).

 

Honestly, though, it wasn’t a great week for responsible parenting by anyone though. Betty’s mom is spying on the party with binoculars and only putting on a fur collar to be the neighborhood watch when she needs to have words with Jughead’s dad.

Like, maybe shut down the teen kegger instead of spy on it?

For someone who is supposed to be from the wrong side of the tracks, she hides it well by going full WASP mom with this gray turtleneck and skinny cropped pants.

To win Worst Parent of the Week Award, Hiram Lodge is cold as ice by threatening his daughter with a notarized letter and rewarding her with pearls for testifying on his behalf.

Does Daddy Lodge have spies at school to report back on her pearls?

Which maybe explains her decision to wear a cropped lace up shirt and mini-skirt (AND ABSOLUTELY NO PEARLS) to what was supposed to be a low-key evening in. Unless Veronica has a sixth sense for when a rager is about to happen and is therefore always dressed for the situation.

Whatever, she looks amazing as always, even if I don’t love this top or her decision to get it on with Archie (that just seems like a bad idea. But I’m sure they’ll force a Betty-Veronica-Archie love triangle on us, whether we want it or not).

 

Cheryl continues to bring it this week. Her HBIC practice outfit involves a crop top, red lips, and a statement earrings.

Combined with perfectly straight hair, because this is how we all look when we work out. She totally pulled a Blair Waldorf after losing her dance-off (all problems should be solved by a dance-off) by firing her ‘social handmaidens’ with a “shoo, bitches.” But it’s her big faux fur, spider pin, and blue velvet dress that really wins me over.

Get it, girl. You do know how to make an entrance. I’m a little sorry for you that Veronica publicly accused you of murder and twincest, but you brought it on yourself. Because look who you’re up against.

Any girl who does cocktail party style with a fuchsia dress with leather bow and pearl earrings for school (and a deposition) is not to be messed with. Also, she has a cape.

Never mess with a bitch in a cape.

 

Archie’s style and feelings continue to bore me, but I do love the family credenza.

And, you guys, Archie’s mom is Molly Ringwald!

Teen idols for every generation! I feel like we’ll all be winners with this recent casting revelation. Maybe I’ll even care about Archie’s storyline.