There’s many facets to being a drag performer. You’re expected to always look good or at least look like you’re living your character to the most. People want you to be funny and sexy and clever and nice and pleasing to the eye and humble and bitchy and be able to dance and sing and lip-synch and pull off at least once reveal and have perfect hair, beat and walk during your six minutes on stage. IT’S A LOT. No one is going to do it all every time.

So now that I’ve done my duty and defended the art of drag, I’m gonna drag these queens because if you can’t work a microphone, you can’t have a show. Period. A talk show challenge should be the easiest one for dragoons but here we are in season nine and they’re still fucking it up.

Good Morning, Bitches

Alexis and Farrah pulled my favourite looks on their team because I have legit seen morning show hosts look this way. I mean, that hat Alexis is wearing is a straight up Today Show reference. And Farrah’s so cute and perky. Exactly what you need from a morning show anchor. They’re like moms who hear their kids complaining about the dynamics of their polyamorous triad and reply with a lil giggle and freshly made Buddha bowl.

Not On Today

If Peppermint had relaxed a bit, I think she would have destroyed this challenge. She wasn’t playing a character, she was just being real. Trinity, however, looks like a character with that wig and instead of full on embracing Southern Belle, she was a frosty bitch. How can you be a drag queen if you can’t work a microphone? You ain’t Marina Abramovic—be present and say something.

RuPaul

Another impeccable suit in a colour no one would dare try to pull off. Ru’s got the look in and out of face.

I love that she kept going with the yellow. The platinum hair is stunning. A real Blow Back Thursday. Although as the seasons go on, I see the life draining from her eyes. I appreciate any bitch that’ll play the game for a paycheque. Sashay, you stay for as long as we can handle watching drag queens claw their way out of the workroom to increase their booking fee.

The Runway

This week, it was a Naughty Nightie situation and honestly, how do you mess this up?

Aja

I love how she was coming for Valentina and subtly strolls on the runway in this hooched up Valentina tribute. I don’t know why there’s so much hanging from her chest but girl. Pull it together. Literally. It looks like it’s falling apart.

Alexis Michelle

OK, Miami Mommy. I don’t have much to say other than when it’s not in motion it looks like she grabbed that robe at the last minute. It’s cute but like it doesn’t go with the glitter bustier so why? “What’s this adding to my look?” Nothing? OK, better strap it on and make a show of it.

Charlie Hides

I secretly hoped Charlie would blow these queens out of the water this season. She’s the oldest one (ever), is originally from Boston (hey hometown!), and aside from some dated puns, had a decent sense of humour. But the eyes have it. And like Naya Rivera said, there’s nothing behind them. Charlie, I’m guessing, is a drag replicant and it’s only a matter of time before her true programming takes over and she leaves a trail of corpses in her wake.

Cynthia Lee Fontaine

Wings. Why wings. Oh, you wanna do like a Victoria’s Secret angel kind of thing but also like leather/lace and sugar/spice? If you’re gonna have a prop it’s gotta stand out. It’s gotta be part of the story. It’s can’t lay like two lifeless chicken strips wrapped in Cottonelle desperately clinging to your back.

Eureka O’Hara

You know, she might’ve been funny in the challenge and this look is passable but the shenanigans of raising the hand to speak and then beaking off about the “rules” they set to ensure no one talks over the other. Girl, I reserved you a seat for this show and I’m just waiting for you to take it.

Farrah Moan

Someone dips this bitch in opalescent dust before she steps on the runway, right? Nothing is flawed in this look.

Nina Bo’nina Brown Lee Gifford

Clearly a make up artist. Clearly a queen who loves a breast plate. Clearly a queen on the edge because the bitch can’t stop crying. Is this a season of Pisces? I have to say, I love when a queen rocks a breast plate but this is one goddamn distracting plate. I’m not sure what to say otherwise because I can’t stop staring at it send help.

Peppermint

I dunno about this one either. Frankly, I’m getting a little tired of being at a loss for words other than yawning noises that sound like the beginning of words. What is even happening with this pink fabric? I can tell it’s cheap. I can hear it through my screen. And the coronation jewels? Girl, you’re going to bed, you’re not getting a state funeral.

Sasha Velour

PUT. DOWN. THE. PROPS. MAMA. The entire ensemble is fantastic. The candelabra is doing what for you? Lighting your path down the illuminated runway? Gonna whip the kitchen appliances into a song and dance routine? Open a hidden doorway to the Batcave? If you didn’t have nails on your gloves, I would’ve focused more on that prop but the nails are doing it for me.

Shea Couleé

Most underrated queen of the season so far. She’d get more screen time if she wasn’t so nice. Honestly, throw a little more shade or get up in these kids faces because I have to listen to another talking head with Aja telling us how talented she is, I’m gonna blow my top.

Trinity Taylor

God, this is a look. You think she bought a Leg Avenue bodysuit and said, “How can I make this more Florida?” It’s got a little fetish vibe with the halter but is still serving soft looks with the high waisted lace. It’s pretty cute and the stiletto is so dainty. Top shelf.

Valentina

Goddammit. This is perfection. The robe goes with the lingerie (*ahem* Alexis) and the red hair ties into the red embellishments. I’d be mad at this bitch too if I had to compete against her. But for a lingerie challenge, I probably would’ve walked out in a caftan to reveal a dirty pair of Adidas shorts because that’s my idea of sexy sleepwear.

The Lip-Sync

Trinity took one for the team and was up for elimination. Charlie’s Type-A drive ruined her chances of getting to show off all her dick jokes on the Snatch Game episode. Naturally, Trinity won the lip-sync. Even if Charlie had tried—and boy did she not try—those skyscraper heels she insists on wearing would not have allowed for any sort of dancing. And a Florida queen do know how to dance after dinner time.

If the other queens are yelling at you to move during a lip-synch, you deserve to go home.

When you’re just too talented to lip-sync but you end up in the Bottom Two:

It’s been said before about queens who give but I’m gonna reiterate here: fuck you. So many performers would maim their families to be on this show for even a fraction of the exposure Charlie got and for what? How dare you walk into that workroom thinking you’re gonna pass if you have to lip-sync. “Oh, I perform live, I’m not a lip-sync artist.” Bitch, I can’t even look at you. And relying on that made up stat that 99% of the acts in London perform live? GET OUT.

I’m looking forward to next week when the gals loosen up just a little bit more and I maybe even get to laugh once during the episode.