Man, I really hate bad portmanteaux. “Draggily”? Whatever. What can I expect from a TV show that rewards queens who have the worst, most overused puns in their repertoire? I’m glad there was a pretty princess challenge because we’re getting back to what we all originally loved about Drag Race: watching bitches wilt under pressure when confronted with a drop stitch.

 

It’s rare that writing plays a role in the challenges. Usually, the queens are fed their lines and they need to parrot them back to Ru and Michelle in a way they can understand—masked as jokes about incontinence, genitalia, or bottoming. Although painful to watch, the princess challenge was a nice departure from the usual fare. Oh, right, um, boobs boobs ass fart p*ssy country accent.

Me writing this recap:

There are two types of faces Drag Race fans make:

I didn’t hear mention of Klein Epstein & Parker yet but whoever Ru’s wearing, he looks good. Animal print is not to be fucked with unless people think the same thing about you.

Todrick, I’m gonna need you to be a little more venomous when you critique the girls. I got a little taste when you pulled at the thread on Farrah’s piece of fabric wrapped around her waist. I want to you destroy the garment. Michelle, you do you.

When you go to your friend’s birthday party thinking it’s co-ed and you find out she invited her other queer friend from the office and he’s latched on to you for the rest of the afternoon because it’s actually a set up:

RuPaul

Impeccable. What else can I say? Ru’s got a horde of hands to put the monster together and it’s stunning every time. I’m very much enjoying this shimmer trend she’s been delivering. I’ll allow it.

The Runway

When I said writing played a role in this challenge, I was being generous. They had to fill in a mad libs sheet about their princess character which is something you give to a four year old when they have the flu and the cable is out. You can’t fault their creativity when it comes to putting a look together but some of these backstories were as complex as a Highlights magazine.

Aja

“I’m very high fashion so I got this.” Famous last words. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the look but there’s also nothing outstanding about it either. This is a princess who doesn’t take shit from anyone but who also hasn’t spent a night at home in about two weeks.

Alexis Michelle

#SubwayFish is a great hook for Instagram but if I don’t know about it how am I in on the joke? Her lil familiar was a typical New York jabroni and I wish the princess character had followed suit. Like, I wanna see the bitch from NYC who talks about how much she loves the MET but only ever visited when she was on a high school field trip. Don’t even get me started on the damn twig—what purpose is it serving!?

Charlie Hides

Solid look. OK backstory. We get it, you like puns—they’re an important part of drag. But this was also just medium fine. This princess has plateaued. I like Charlie and I want her to do well but so far everything feels dated. It feels like something that was probably edgy and fresh five years ago. Great hat, though.

Cynthia Lee Fontaine

How many of you whispered, “Princess Cucu,” when the challenge was announced? All of you? Perfect. Honestly, god bless Cynthia Lee Fontaine for being genuine and insane, and genuinely insane. Her princess backstory is about bringing joy and peace to the world, and then the rabbit also slips in “sex” which is so outta left field even Barry Bonds couldn’t get a hand on that one. She’s doing that thing with the hair I really don’t like, I hope that’s not a trend alert.

Eureka O’Hara

More candle hair. Cool. This bitch knows how to play this game. I might not like her but I see you, and I know what you’ve got tucked up your sleeve. A sewer queen who makes jokes about feeling not so fresh and wanting to get back to Top Land? If that gross dog had’ve had a Southern accent, I think Trinity would’ve been in trouble.

Farrah Moan

This is face you make when your parents see in drag for the first time and your dad’s had too many beers, and tries to tell the room he loves his gay son. Like I said, I’m so glad Todrick called bullshit on this dress. Sure, she’s got a great body but wrapping sequins around your waist is just wearing a shiny towel. It doesn’t count.

Kimora Blac

Sure. But hey, she has all the bananas she could ever want. Or something like that. Jesus.

Nina Bo’nina Brown

I was a little surprised she went with a bodysuit but I shouldn’t be because there aren’t rules for drag. You can do whatever you want. Nina’s looks are always going to be built from the face down so praise the lord she knows her way around the paints. I just stared at my keyboard for about five minutes trying to think of a joke but nothing came to mind so I guess, yeah, this is just whatever.

Peppermint

Excellent use of vinyl and tulle here but anyone else feeling like they have to concentrate on Peppermint’s performance because her inspiration for every challenge is heartwrenching/warming? Last week, she shared the story of those shithead jocks beating her up and this week, her fear of fire was centre stage. CROWN HER ALREADY. Miss Congeniality, of course. Love Peppermint but I don’t see her winning.

Sasha Velour

Girl loves a pom pom but who doesn’t? Sasha didn’t get the heat from also wrapping herself in fabric and calling it a dress but that’s because she’s got an eye for detail. And some unresolved issues around confidence. The little troll was a very real touch. Prop queen with a cage on her head. Normal.

Shae

THIS IS A PRINCESS. This is how you do a princess right. If Shae wasn’t so serious with her story she would have won hands down. How did she make this in time? Were all the other queens looking at her like what’s her story? Did Eureka take another look at that bodice with a scarf cosplaying a train and think, “I better be fucking funny tonight”? Winner. Right here.

Trinity Taylor

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pageant queen. I’ve already said that once before. They know the look of drag inside and out. But when a PQ can also get silly and make me laugh, they have a fan for life. I’m going on record and saying I’m a Trinity Taylor fan. Yes, her humour is derivative but I feel like I have to encourage her to be a goofball. You ain’t royalty, you’re a clown—embrace the freedom.

Valentina

It’s beautiful, she’s beautiful. The familiar was kind of weird. Valentina is kind of weird. I’m still not sold on this one. I love eccentricity but I don’t love this.

The Lip Sync

It was Aja and Kimora, and Aja rightfully won. Kimora did some improvised movements and manipulated her mouth into shapes that could be seen as possible words. I dunno. There was a jump kick death drop so that was enough to distract me. You can hear me croak my approval on my Instagram story. Looking forward to next week!