The Netflix description of this episode tries but misses the mark: “Hoping to bring the Cooper family together Veronica hosts a baby shower for Polly. Archie steps in to help after his dad’s construction crew quits.” But let’s face it, can you really describe this stuff in two sentences? 

No, this wasn’t a baby shower to “bring the Coopers together”, this was Veronica in her subtle daytime pearls telling us how choosing between Vanity Fair or Elton John parties are the real impossible situation (she’s lived a hundred lives already, hasn’t she?) and well, she’ll be damned if the Coopers and the Blossoms maple sugar family feud ruin her party.

 

So far, the divide between these families is all in the color scheme. Let’s start with clan Cooper.

This Alice Cooper has got her family image management locked down with the coordinating pastels. Too bad it seems that Betty and Polly are cut from the same cashmere cloth these days – they’re both dressed in the most boringly muted colours. I can take a crew cut or a sweater set, but these bore me.

Fortunately, Veronica’s plaid and pearls are here to save us all.

I’m also wondering if Polly has been locked away since Gossip Girl was on, seeing as she was wearing a headband in every scene. Like, her breakfast headband.

Or, I mean really, her season one Blair headband.

Gossip Girl Dan said it best.

Once we got Gossip Girl: The College Year, we all moved on from headbands. It’s time for you to do the same, Polly.

While Betty and Polly were kind of boring this week, Mädchen Amick barreled around wearing khaki and blush and baby blues and I was loving it.

The wool coat is totally power bitch mom. And I’m here for her angry/betrayed face.

This is a woman you do not want to mess with. You can just feel the eye twitch she’s developing here.

And now the Blossoms in their darks and reds and plaids and rich dad sweaters (as seen on Rufus Humphrey Van der Woodsen and Conrad Greyson so I assume that’s the offical name for the sweater).

For the leading socialite and wife of a maple sugar baron (as a maple aficionado – I kid you not, I have feelings on regional varieties – this plot line amuses me), you’d think Mrs. Blossom would be there to out-WASP everyone in the joint in baby shower pastels. But no.

It’s a day dress alright, but a bold red and black gloves. At any other occasion I’d compliment her, but here I’m feeling too much “THIS IS MY CHARACTER THROUGH COSTUME” going down (and I get it. I swear I do. They write her well enough for that).

And Cheryl, who I like more with every passing episode, does do pastel in her pink satin skirt that has its own skirt cape (overskirt? What is that even?) but pairs it with a sexy black bustier and giant choker.

Why the hell not?

Also, here for Nana Blossom’s crazy and her vintage wicker wheelchair that she maybe borrowed from FDR.

She also brings her crystals and predictions of twins. I predict Polly got an ultrasound and they know exactly how many babies she’s having.

And I need to talk about the amount of plaid in this scene.

If you hadn’t already figured out the class structure of Riverdale, Mr. Blossom’s gentleman maple farmer attire vs Luke Perry’s workingman plaid should help you out. (Also, Riverdale has its own plates, you guys. Are we in the town of Riverdale in the fictional state of Riverdale?)

This now brings us to the B-plot in which Archie brings a gang of high schoolers to help save his dad’s business in a storyline I mostly fail to care about (except for Luke Perry’s weathered, sad face. Won’t someone just give this guy a break? He’s trying, okay?).

Except that it does remind me that Kevin Keller deserves better than mouthing “I love your shoes” to Hermione Lodge and being the pretend (except he doesn’t know it yet) boyfriend of a junior gang member. They do appear to be great shoes though.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Archie is all terrible ideas when he decides to go to a biker hangout. Wearing his letterman jacket. Way to blend in.

Look you guys, when a gang member says “stay cool, Soda Pop. Don’t touch the bikers”, you listen. First rule of crashing a biker joint.

Lucky for him Jughead’s dad is a gang member who is also a responsible adult who called another responsible adult. The adults in Riverdale are actually ridiculously responsible when they are not being super shady. They even call police after some Quebecois criminals beat up Moose (maybe there is some international maple drama to be added to the story? I really hope that’s Mr. Lodge’s way into the story).

Archie follows it up with bad idea number 2: busting into a baby shower to confront Jughead about his gang member dad.

Thankfully, Veronica has the good sense and the good pearls to shut. It. Down.

I know I criticized Mrs. Blossom for not being pastel enough, but I’m giving Veronica a pass here because I like her more and I dig the lace overlay happening on this dress.

Not factoring into any plotline this week, Val and her 90s grunge fashion vibes deserve better than Archie Andrews.

The Betty and Jughead ship continues to sail on.

They confront his dad about Jason’s drug dealings and Skeet seems to give them all the details and they warn him the cops are coming for him with questions (hey Rosewood, you can have a murder mystery and moderately competent cops!). But like I said, the parents are only responsible when they’re not being shady, which is why poor underused Kevin Keller (#JusticeforKevin) is just a part of some underhanded Riverdale gangland plan.