So it’s no secret that this show is our ride or die, we will never not be here for Reign, its plot twists and gowns and melodrama are like oxygen for us. But honestly? This week we learned that GREER IS MARRIED IRL TO NOSTRADAMUS AND THEY HAVE A BABY and that’s sort of the major WTF we’re working with, because it was, shall we say, a more restrained episode of Reign that the past few. Which is fine! Everybody needs a breather. And if we’d learned of the Greer/Nostro IRL marriage AND BABY a few weeks ago, it would have been too much for our delicate dispositions. Anyway, real talk: why didn’t anyone tell us about this IRL Reign couple??? Who have been together for two years???? Belated congrats and mazel tov, you two.
WTF #5: Because what this show needed was another hot white guy
So here’s the thing. Even to those of us who haven’t read the Wikipedia entry for Mary Queen of Scots knew the minute James arched a brow at the mention on Bothwell’s name… this guy was going to become a semi-recurring character on the show.
Mary shows up at Ye Olde Taverne in her most Scottish of dresses, like she’s prepared for the Parade of Nations at the 16th century Miss Universe pageant. Bothwell pulls a negging power move, not even turning around to look at THE LITERAL QUEEN like: dude, come on.
But Mary’s always had, as James notes, a weakness for bad boys, so he turns around and she’s like…
And, not gonna lie, we were too, a little. Snaps to the casting dept for rounding up yet another super hot guy who looks somehow even super hotter in Renaissance garb. He’s bringing literally everything to the plate here:
Like, at this point Mary’s still all in re: Darnley, but this guy clearly made an impression on her for when her options open up later on.
WTF #4: Charles de Valois, Farm Boy
Cathy and Narcisse finally decide to actually track down the wayward King and, putting their minds actually to it, find him in 0.0004 seconds. They show up at Ye Olde Farm in the middle of Ye Olde Countryside, totally blending in with the locals looking amazing.
They find Charles is under the spell of what he thinks is The Simple Life but which is really just what happens when a bunch of people know you’re the King and give you the easiest chores to do.
Cathy and Narcisse join the fam for the sort of sit-down meal I’m sure were common among peasants in France at this time, or any time, in history.
Notably, at the supper, they meet Nicole The Farmer’s Daughter who… actually, she deserves her own WTF so let’s just get right to it.
WTF #3: Because what this show needed was another scheming teen
Meet Nicole! She’s like if you mix one part Kenna with one part Penelope The Bean Queen with one part Early Seasons Claude. Because if there’s one thing any show needs with 9 episodes left, it’s a brand new recurring character.
Nicole does not mess around, or I guess she does? But not when it comes to her ambition. Cathy and Narcisse both see that Charles is all about her, and so do their best to look non-threatening and like the sort of people a young woman would be smart to trust.
Nicole plays up her Farm Gal thing and is like, “Golly gee of course I’ll come with you back to French court!” Aaaaaand once they show up, Charles is like “I love Nicole and also I’ve converted!”
And the mastermind behind this is, naturally, Nicole, who is both whispering in Charles’s ear and showing up uninvited and naked in Narcisse’s bed.
So… this is going to be fun? Question mark?
WTF #2: And Liz’s heart grew three sizes that day
And meanwhile back in England, Gideon’s still on the show and his daughter’s still dying of Looks Very Beautiful And Healthy But Still Dying disease. So Liz invents the Children’s Wish Foundation and decides to make Agatha Queen for a Day.
I mean, this storyline was heart-rending and touching, etc., but there are more than enough reasons for us to love Liz without putting her through this Nicholas Sparks situation. That being said, Agatha wearing mini Liz couture was this week’s best dressed, hands down.
Agatha also gets to throw on a de rigeur fur cloak, because this is Reign and nobody’s getting out of here without sporting some fur.
Liz’s crown game this week is especially interesting, it’s sort of a laurel wreath thing with very pointy bits that show she’s still a prickly person, but it blends so seamlessly into her red hair that it looks like it’s sort of growing out of her head, like she is a sort of Greek Goddess come to life, which; accurate.
But as both she and Mary (and Charles, sometimes) know, just because you’re the monarch, you can’t always get what you want. A lesson that this week came at the price of Agatha’s life. When Liz realized her protege was gone, it was a heartbreak felt through through the TV and into my own soul.
So now… Liz… is OK with Mary marrying Darnley? Because of Agatha? And Gideon… is still on the show? I mean, he’s come this far, there’s no getting out now.
WTF #1: He’s just being Darnley
Sooooooo Mary’s still blissfully ignorant about most things, emphasis on bliss. She and Darnley are hooking up and she thinks it’s all going great, and she forced ever-loyal Greer in her surely-impractical shoes to a random meadow just to get her thoughts on the possible Pinterest board wedding site.
I mean, Mary’s dress here is FANTASTIC: the sheer sleeve detail, the Alpine-adjacent bodice trim, and what’s realy selling it here is her joy at her future. The thing is: she knows she and Darnley can’t run away together. And, like last week, some part of her knows it’s all going to fall apart. She’s trying to be vigilant to stop the inevitable catastrophe, but without Wikipedia’s entry on Mary Queen of Scots she’s pretty unprepared and also weirdly unaware of how her every action are basically dooming her.
Case in point: giving away her brother James’s land to Darnley. James, who is thisclose to a full Christopher in Flowers in the Attic level sibling meltdown, is not having it.
So when the shizz hits the fan, it’s looking less and less likely that James is going to have her back. But it’s fine! Everything’s good! She’s got thie TDF pearl choker and another power black gown and EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY FINE YOU GUYS I SWEAR
And so while she’s dealing with Bothwell’s dimples, James lurks outside and finds DARNLEY hooking up with KEIRA and he unleashes like the Overly Protective Overprotective Brother he is. Darnley, true to form, is like, it was just one time/it doesn’t mean anything/it will never happen again/hey what’s that over there?
James spills all of the beans to his sister basically immediately, and the tentative emotional house of cards she’d been building collapses, like she knew it would. Darnley, again, is like, “It’s no big deal! I can change! Boys will be boys! etc.”
Mary is trapped in the worst situation ever, and all the beaded gowns in the world can’t distract from the fact she has to marry Darnley, he will never not be the worst… which is maybe where Dimples Bothwell could pop in to save the day? Or ruin it. Or both? #ThisShowTho