Well, the cucu’s outta the bag (even though anyone who checked Reddit after last week’s episode knew exactly what was going down): Miss Congeniality, Cynthia Lee Fontaine is back in the race, hentry! In every second episode, Ru gives the gals an enormous group challenge to torture the queens who aren’t used to working with others. I’ve been in a drag girl group before with some very dear friends and it’s a lot of fucking fun—and it’s also INCREDIBLY challenging. We were five queens and you wanna try to get rehearsal time together while we all still have jobs and semblances of social lives? Oh, bitch. One of my drag daughters kind of spoiled the ending for me this week but I also kind of predicted it so no harm there but you better believe I was gagged when I saw THE B-52S as judges!

Bring Back My Cucu

Cynthia’s back! I’m actually p pumped she’s there because I love her personality. They didn’t have somebody wacky and likable. I mean, Valentina is unsettlingly esposa de stepford and that’s not the look. And hey, another Pageant Gal starting off in a stoned jumpsuit. You betta zip it and hit it, bish.

When it’s 3am at the club and someone asks you who you think’ll win Season 9:

God bless Lisa Kudrow’s cotton socks for agreeing to this AWFUL cameo. I mean, this woman is a comedy legend but hey, why bother asking her to interact with the gals. Let’s pull her in here for a weird shoutout to The Comeback (which is really friggin funny if you haven’t seen it). She looks like a pilgrim without a voyage and Ru’s lookin like he about to tell Lisa a little sumthin bout Squarespace.

So the gals get their huge group challenge in the vein of Shakesqueer and Bitch Perfect, and this time it’s a cheerleading challenge—She Done Already Done Brought It On. Whoever is writing the challenges this season is setting a VERY high bar because I know I’m not the only queer watching this and picking up the choreo by osmosis.

Also, shout out to Peppermint for sharing her story about being bullied and attacked by some shithead jock who couldn’t stand to see her living out loud. How many boys watched this and just felt it because all y’all wanted to do was be a cheerleader. And not like a male cheerleader, which exists and is fabulous, but like a bitch named Tiffany who was captain of the squad while some Taylor Swift looking fool sat in the bleachers? STAND UP AND BE HEARD, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL.

But before we can get into the cheering, someone get Kimora a TV program that was made before 2001 so she can hear the word bloomer in context. Jesus. Watch a British drama, queen:

Oh, honey, cheerleader? More cheer-LIVING (this is admittedly a bad joke). These outfits are so friggin cute, I’m screeching over here. And all those tumbling passes? Shouts to Shea and Valentina who goddamn Kerri Strugg’d into the top two. Y’all knew. Y’all knew. Also, love to Trinity who, like every Surgery Queen, made a lame joke about not wanting to do physical activity because she paid a lot for her face. Girl, with that face we wouldn’t know if you were scared, overjoyed, riled up or constipated. If you’re that worried about fucking up your face is the surgery worth it? *eyes emoji* *tea emoji*

But for real, keep it going for every queen because they didn’t show anyone complaining too heavily about this challenge. They all dove in feet first and it looked great. It’s not easy to pull these stunts when you’re used sashaying for a dollar in a club. I think our girl Peppermint summed it up when she realized WHAT. THEY. ARE. ASKING US TO DO.:

But I think Eureka gave a gift with this movement:

Is she an aggressive top? Because I know Sante Alley’s cucu is a-shaking, mis amores:

RuPaul

RuPaul is back up in face and I’m over the damn moon. She looks glorious in this green fringe gown and correct me if I’m wrong—and I know y’all will—but is she padded? And wearing a breast plate? Oh, bitch. The trends finally dragged her.

The Judges

Give some love to some of my all-time heroes, The B-52s!!! Recommended songs are:

  • Dance This Mess Around
  • My Own Private Idaho
  • Give Me Back My Man
  • Roam
  • Juliet of the Spirits

The Runway (from A to motherfucking Z, bitch)

Aja definitely has her sense of style mapped out but it’s lacking that last bit of polish. The leather face guard was a nice touch but I’m losing the harness I know she has on there. The shawl isn’t doing anything for her. Lose it and show off the body.

“Hello, I’m a trained musical theatre professional who thinks a mohawk is a statement.” I don’t care if we see the same silhouette from Alexis all season because it’s GORGEOUS. But I refuse to accept this as an edgy, “I turned glamour on its head,” kind of look. Girl, you pumped the hair and put on a talon. Bye.

I love Chad Michaels. Honestly, this look is also stunning but I’m getting less Dynasty and more, “Cher going to film a winter-themed music video in July.” Huge respect to Charlie because we all know she makes her own things but like Ross said—where’s the personality?

Cynthia is living her fantasy on the Côte de Rhinestone with this uptown broad gown. Hello, Dolly? More like YAAASSSS GAWD, CUCU. After the internet read her for those Nike athleisure shorts during the Heels or Wheels lip-synch, y’all know Cucu’s bringing natural fabrics to the runway. Cotton. Jersey. Silk. Breathable. Wicking. Get it, bitch.

FINE. If this is your look, I can’t help you. Enough with the dying candle hats. If I was standing next to you, I’d blow that out and the dinner party would end in some spoken missives I’d regret the next day. I love a bold bitch in a pant and the rack is astounding but the braid coils and the wisp of hair? This is not for me and I refuse to respond to it.

Do you think Farrah meant to use this as her Las Vegas hometown look? Because girl, THIS IS VEGAS SHOWGIRL DOWN. I guess this is Vegas White Party Fantasy, too, but I’ve only been to Vegas once with two other drag queens and we were drunk for 36-hours straight. I met Yara Sofia though and she’s a goddamn delight. Farrah, 8/10 would chanté again.

Aww.

(She looks great and I know the editing was NOT kind but we knew what was gonna happen.)

“Hey, Kimora, do you remember that time Khloe was a guest judge and did a sick nautica–”

Look, Kimora is beautiful but any queen that walks into that work room and complains about having to make a costume on a TV that’s a fever dream mashup of Project Runway/Big Brother/ANTM needs to check herself at the door and wait until the usher can find enough to seats to accommodate her attitude.

MY QUEEN. I’m pretty sure I’m stanning Nina to the top three and I’m gagged on this look. I was afraid she’d only be the best at outlandish beats like the peach but this is pretty and the outfit is on point. Nina Bo’Nina Banana Fanna Osama Bin Laden Brown, get your goddamn life, bitch.

Peppermint: “Hey, can I copy your homework?”

Alexis: “Yeah, but change it up a bit so it doesn’t look obvious.”

Peppermint:

And that’s how the look follows.

Oh, bitch. Oh, bitch, you wanna see me in hair? Sasha looks hot. I mean, like a very attractive woman being. The dress? Down. The hair? Laid. The beat? Flaw free.

OK, jump suit! Don’t think we’re not clocking those open-toed hooves you present each week. I live, but I love a pump. I mean, I can barely walk in them and generally wear a kitten heel if I perform but hey, once Alaska wore on All Stars 2, y’all decided it was OK so I dunno, WHO’S THE TRENDSETTER HERE.

But for real, I fell out when Trinity walked the runway in this stunning future queef ensemble. I wasn’t expecting it, especially with a bob, and I think she’s gonna surprise a few of us this season. Never count the gals from Florida out, bitch! Here’s the next Alexis Mateo.

Trinity’s only in the because it was impossible to get an h-to-t of Valentina. I mean, by far Valentina is the best outfit on the runway. She has an impeccable wardrobe and she’s turned her beat around, honey, but I still find something so plastic about her. I hope she loosens up a bit.

The Lip-Synch

Of course it came down to Jaymes and someone else. I wasn’t surprised it was Kimora either, because she was totally out of time with the cheer choreo and her outfit just wasn’t as thought-through as the other queens. I mean, Jaymes’ white party look is better than Kimora’s. It is. But Kimora obviously has the drive and confidence. We’ll miss you Jaymes but keeping making videos about queer history—we need that!

Oh, if you wanna follow me on Twitter or Instagram, I write some other stuff and have a few drag looks of my own tucked away. Full disclosure, you will read me for filth for some of them because I’ve only ever done my own makeup and, how do I say this, refused to practice it? But if you wanna talk Drag Race, I’m all ears.