So, I’m going to assume we’re all watching and caught up on Riverdale. Because it’s good. No, I mean it’s really good. I can’t remember the last time my social media was loving a show this much (Revenge? Gossip Girl?). In this day and age, Riverdale is better than we all deserve. We are damn lucky that some genius has taken a comic from the grocery store checkout (but seriously, who didn’t love a Double Digest?) and mixed some fashions like whoa, a few Twin Peaks vibes (Shelly Johnson is here you guys), and multi-generational teen heartthrobs from (a little something for all of us). God bless you television.

For those of you not caught up, here’s the skinny: a minor character from the comics (Jason Blossom) turns up dead, Archie is good at everything and not terribly interesting (even when he sleeps with a teacher), Veronica is the new rich girl in town, Cheryl Blossom is the town bitch, Betty is the good girl next door who might have a dark side, Jughead (who may or may not be asexual) is a murderino writing Riverdale’s true crime story, Kevin Keller is the gay best friend of everybody, you can forget the Josie and the Pussycats you knew and loved because they got a serious upgrade. There’s also parent drama, because sure, why not.

But you’re here for the looks. And we’ve got them.

Ha. But no. Here are the real ones.

 

Archie

Home of the hair dye and the gratuitous male shirtlessness.

Abs brought to you by a summer of construction with his dad.

Yes. Dylan McKay is his dad. Rufus Humphrey wishes he was this kind of TV dad. (I told you there was something for everyone).

 

Jughead

I believe he’s played by a fellow who was very popular among young men and women of a certain age. I’m just catching onto this because unlike adults on the CW or ABC Family, I know full well it would have been creepy to find actual teens cute.

 


I enjoy the updated, wrong side of the tracks vibe they’ve given him. And like at least seven other tumblrs dedicated to this and at least one listicle, I’m also here to ship Jughead/Betty.

What? I like ships that I didn’t see coming and they make an excellent sleuthing duo. Basically, everything I want in a teen drama.

Oh, and Jughead’s biker gang member / possible murder suspect / deadbeat dad?

Hey Skeet Ulrich! I forgot about you! Love when my teen years show up as parents in teen TV. Thanks CW!

Veronica

I was always anti-Veronica and pro-Betty. Maybe because I’m blonde?  Maybe because I didn’t get why anyone wanted to be friends with Veronica in the comics? Or why they kept fighting over Archie? But this Veronica: Here for it. Here for the friendship. Here for those eyebrows. Here for the outfits.

I don’t want to spend time comparing characters to Gossip Girl (it’s do-able. Our staff room has been there), but she may be able to fill the void left by Blair’s headbands with her pearls and pearl collars and the capes.

I mean. Come. On.

 

Cheryl Blossom

This is a girl channeling Jessica Chastain in Crimson Peak.

Not one, but two veils to wear in mourning. And the girl loves her leather and her red lipstick, and isn’t afraid of big accessories.

 

I’m actually still not sure what to make of Cheryl Blossom. She may be the most interesting character since she’s bitch one minute and sympathetic the next. And I sort of love how she and the rest of the Blossoms just chew up scenery — especially with their costumes.

The coordinated hunting chic? That’s to go HUNTING BETTY COOPER’S [SPOILER ALERT] PREGNANT SISTER. I can’t.

 

Betty Cooper

Betty is exactly what you expect from Betty Cooper. She’s curled ponytails, longing looks, and pink sweaters.

But! In spite of her wholesome fashion, we’re getting some serious Veronica Mars/Nancy Drew feels from her sleuthing into the death of Jason and her take down of date-rapey jocks. Which also gave rise to this side of Betty Cooper.

What? What is this? I hope this moment doesn’t fall into a plot blackhole. I want more of Dark Betty.

 

Josie and the Pussycats

 

What did I tell you? You’ve now completely forgotten about Rachel Leigh Cook haven’t you? (Well, of course you have. You haven’t seen her since such classics as Josie and the Pussycats). These are the new gold standard for wearing pussycat ears in public and not being mocked.

I’m here for Josie’s diva act (that is actually masking daddy issues and an overbearing mayor mom played by Robin Givens) and Val as a potential love interest/songwriting partner for Archie. No idea what Melody is up to other than playing drums.

 

Miss Grundy

So, while I naturally disapprove of any plot that involves a grown ass man or woman sleeping with a teenager (because illegal. See Fitz, Ezra), I was into her summer Lolita-inspired look.

 

If only she used it to seduce a man her own age. Her schoolmarm looks though? Not so much.

But wait, you say. She was conveniently run out of town by Betty Cooper’s evil mom! True. I’m just feeling like that’s too easy. That she has a gun, a fake identity, and privately tutored the other red head football player/musician in town makes me think she’ll be back. Unless Riverdale has a plot blackhole on the edge of town the same way Rosewood does. In which case, RIP Miss Grundy. We hardly knew ye.

 

Ethel Mudge

She looks like she raided the wardrobe of Stranger Things before heading into the Upside Down.

#JusticeforEthel #JusticeforBarb

 

So, are you with us on this one? I think we’re in for the long haul and it’s going to be amazing. #RiverdaleStrong

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