So last week, the Reign writers tweeted that the WTF was about to be cranked up to a 10, and they were not wrong. In honor of this week’s nonstop bonkers parade, we have no choice but to extend our usual round-up from 5 to 10 WTF moments. The way things are shaping up, we may need these extra WTF spots for literally every episode left, which is really how I would have wanted this show to go out: just ratcheting up to 110% and kicking it all the way to the end. This whole episode had a nostalgic Season One feel, back in the days when we first fell in love with this show about Mary, Queen of Scots, and the burlap-bag-on-head possible-ghost living under her bed. #RIPClarissaForever
WTF #10: Still on the show you guys
Gideon Blackburn will NOT BE STOPPED. He will continue on this show despite the complete elimination of all of his plotlines! This show has been Game of Thrones/The 100 level ruthless with killing off literally every supporting cast member, but GIDEON BLACKBURN is still here.
His role is basically as Liz’s new BFF on account of her having murdered literally everyone else in England. This week, she’s stressing over how the old dudes who loved her Dad aren’t super fans of hers so she’s like… should I like… behead them, or…?
Gideon, bless him, is like, “Or what if you try… like… not murdering them all?”
WTF #9: Literally, is there time for this plot line right now?
Remember Gideon has a daughter, Agatha? Me neither! Pretty sure Gideon forgot too! But she’s sick now, because this show needs over 100+ plot lines right now apparently.
WTF #8: Queen’s Holiday!!
Apparently it’s a thing for queens who are always ten seconds from being thrown off her throne to kick it for weekends at Scotland’s version of Mar-A-Lago, i.e., Greer’s house (which is Lola’s old house). Greer’s getting very real about her feelings about her distance from Castleroy and what is the meaning of life, but Mary’s in full vacay mode and is all, “Throw blueberries in mah mouth!”
Greer, again, whose husband has left her and is away from her half-pirate baby and who used to be a teen brothel madam and was briefly excommunicated from court for scheming against the crown, is like… the hell?
But Mary really need a break from the nonstop assassination and coup attempts, if for no other reason than to spend some quality time with her long-lost friend HORSE DOG!!
So what if she’s a Queen tenuously holding onto her crown, who has survived being almost murdered countless times. She doesn’t need a guard other than Horse Dog to go with her on a solo wander through a nearby meadow.
But then what light through yon window breaks? It’s… I want to say Darnley? Right? It’s just that the men on this show are LITERALLY ALL IDENTICAL.
WTF #7: With this shoe, I thee wed am engaged
But so yeah, it’s Darnley. He’s like, “Wanna get married, take over England, and piss off Elizabeth?” and she’s like, “I guess,” and then he gives her a shoe (????)
And then they play rounds of golf, using presumably golf clubs that were hidden in the grass or who knows, maybe golf clubs grow from the ground in Scotland IDK.
Basically, in their first meeting they not only DTR but are now fully on the same page vis-a-vis taking down Liz. What else matters, really?
WTF #6: #EmoKingProblems
So the good news is that Bianca from last week is Totally Not Dead. The bad news is that she was found like this in the woods, and is now sticking to a story that Charles took her to look at some dead bodies and she wandered off and got lost.
Her story is clearly NOT TRUE because the Reign Writers are not done yet tormenting us with the WHAT THE EFF IS CHARLES DOING plotline. Cathy is like, “Damned if any son of mine is going to be called a necrophiliac, when I have sex with dead people at least they’re invisible ghosts”
And Charles, lit here by daylight so who is maybe not a vampire, but still probably is, just stares off into the middle distance which is now his resting face I guess.
Cathy is having none of this, but also he’s the King so like what can she do? Except for dress impeccably at all times, like in this layered ruffled business. Her family may be in crisis, but her hair and wardrobe are still on point.
Snaps for Cathy.
WTF #5: Leeza forgets which royal court she’s visiting
Remember when Claude first came on the show and she was running around having sex like Serena van der Woodsen every three episodes when she got bored? Our gal is coping with the death* of Leith the best way she knows how, getting married dudes to go down on her.
But the latest installment of Reign Men Really Like Eating The Peach is sadly interrupted by her sister and Mom, who are both shocked SHOCKED!!! That Claude would ever have a) pre-marital sex b) with a married man. Claude is like, “Literally what show did you think we’re on-slash-which court do you think we’re living in? This is the least of your concerns, honestly!”
And Leeza is like, “No bueno, mi hermana” because her thing has been to go as far the opposite direction of Claude and Charles as possible; all rules and morality, all the damn time. Her jewels and intricate hair this week, however, are equally unstoppable. I am HERE for her statement necklace and doorknocker earring collections.
Cathy, again in the unfamiliar position of being lower caste than one of her children, is like, “I agree with Leeza, or whatever. You need to marry someone OR become a nun basically ASAP.”
And so she gets a new fiance who is Narcisse’s son, Luke. You know, his son, Luke. Who entirely existed for years prior to this plot line. His face looks like literally every other man on this show, ever. He also has just one facial expression: Sexy Confusion.
Claude’s like, “You’re no Leith, who is Totally Dead*, but you seem OK and better than becoming a nun so I guess let’s do this?”
Oh honey, you just need a hug so bad.
WTF #4: Liz goes full Katniss
Meanwhile back in England, Liz is taking Gideon’s advice to not murder her father’s old man friends. Instead, she throws on her best leather leggings (!!!!!) to go hunting with them.
LIZ! IN! TROUSERS!
Not since that time Cathy wore leather leggings has there been a pair of ladies trousers on this show. Before the series ends dare I hope to see Mary complete the triad of Badass Queens in Leather Leggings?
So of course Liz is an expert, Robin Hood-level archer and impresses all the men with her prowess with bow and arrow.
And afterward, she’s like, “So just to confirm, you all respect me now and I don’t have to kill you, correct?” And she’s not wrong.
Now that the old white dudes realize their Queen is a BAMF, Liz may have jumped again in this game of thrones.
WTF #3: Set fire to the grain
And then meanwhile BACK in Scotland, GJK is getting the peasants all worked up about how Mary is a Terrible French Catholic Monster who will steal all their food. But joke’s on him! Because James used his sexy puppeh dog eyes to smolder this intel from GJK’s wife, who he’s still sorta macking on.
And with this info, he and Mary and Darnley and Greer (??) show up with surprise food for the peasants, thoroughly discrediting GJK via canny public relations.
And everything’s cool until it suddenly is RED HOT by which I mean, the peasant village goes up in flames (set by GJK) and James reveals he was born to do a Magic Mike cosplay.
Literally, Mary is out there with buckets of water helping out, and James’s first instinct is must remove shirt.
I mean, he’s not wrong.
Then the greatest thing. So, OK, Darnley is pouting about how the others are getting lavished with thanks for saving villagers and putting out the fires. So dude straight up torches another house, one with a baby inside, entirely so he, Darnley, can save the baby and look like a hero. I mean: dude. Slow your roll.
This plot to win Mary’s affection is so obvious even James is onto him. I mean… James.
So anyway later on, Darnley is like, “Hey girl hey. Remember how I saved that baby from the burning house I 100% did not arson myself? How’s about making me King when you die i.e. the Crown Matrimonial?”
And Mary is like, “I have been down this road before with that guy from the sex machine near death accident and can say with utmost certainty: girl, no.”
WTF #2: Nobody ever really dies (unless we see the body) (and even then it’s not always final)
It’s because he’s up to no good, that’s why! He needed to get Claude married off as quickly as possible because he secretly knew that THIS GUY IS TOTALLY NOT DEAD!
Who! Saw! This! Coming!
Honestly, we didn’t until we saw the theory pop up on Instagram and a few other places. But we should have known! When you don’t see a dead body, the body is not really dead!
Totally unrelated, this week Mary gets a surprise message from a secret somebody, warning her that Darnley is literally the worst. Who could the message be from? Who do we know that used to send Mary mysterious warnings and look out for her? Who. Could. It. Be.
WTF #1: It was a sad wedding, oh, how I cried / Oh, how beautiful was the bride
If you thought this would be a long drawn-out plot line of Claude and Luke and will they/won’t they — surprise! They met and got married in the same episode! Claude is now daughter-in-law with the dude she tried to hook up that one time!
I guess, lucky thing she had this extremely delightful wedding gown on hand? Y’all, how many weddings has this show had in its four short seasons? I mean, this is the second already for Claude. And other than Mary/Francis have any of the weddings been… like… happy? At all?
In any case, it’s a gorgeous wedding between two only slightly willing young people.
Other than Claude’s dress, the best part is the return of my favorite thing: Reign reinterpreting pop songs via string quartet for incongruous dance numbers. Will they release an album of these acoustic covers? Because their first dance to “Love Me Like You Do” was really amazing.
Who else was dancing at the wedding? Oh, just Cathy and Narcisse. Also important but so much else is taking precedence this week: Cathy wore a formal bathrobe to her daughter’s wedding. And looks amazing, but like… that’s a straight up bathrobe.
And why, we wonder, was Narcisse so weirdly smiley through the three-second engagement and quickly wedding of his son to a young Princess who he’s never really liked except to ogle at? Put a pin in that for a minute.
Because Charles drags himself, zombie-like, through the wedding party and Cathy chases after him to be like, “Child of mine, you literally have a goatee of blood on your face so like are you a vampire y/n?”
And Charles THROWS HER TO THE GROUND. HIS MOTHER. WHO IS CATHY. THROWN. TO THE GROUND. I MEAN.
It’s not just that I fear for his life, having attacked the show’s #1 most expert poisoner/scheming mastermind but also? He has got the entire online Cathy Mafia working against him now and those are not people you want to be messing with. Basically, #RIPCharles