This week PLEASE DON’T EVER END, BELOVED SHOW OF MINE: Mary play-acts being a normal girl, Narcisse re-enters the bonkers French court — where Claude is mistaken for an IRL Saint no really — bringing the total number of people in France who have their act together to two (i.e. him and Cathy), and oh yes, Charles has gone full Lestat and possibly also full Jack the Ripper? #SaveBianca
WTF #5: James + Foxy Knoxy’s Dangerous Liaisons cosplay
So, with all this other plot twisty craziness going on, it’s easy to forget that James has belatedly been following Mary’s instructions to seduce GJK’s wife Emily. But it’s a sort of sweet little side-plot to the nonstop lunacy occurring elsewhere. I mean yes, of course Foxy Knoxy is married but it’s to GROSS JOHN KNOX (GJK) so who can blame her for making eyes at James in his Renaissance puffy vest?
Also her dress is giving us Kate Winslet Titanic vibes with that neckline. And James, for once, gives us some high key smoldery eyes aimed at someone other than his half-sister. Foxy Knoxy has no chance here, really.
Now, this story of a player being told to make the moves on a pure woman on instruction from another woman is so familiar to us. So familiar… what could this be reminding us of. Hmmmm…
Yeah, we are feeling this Cruel Intentions plot twist and not just because of Foxy Knoxy’s Witherspoonish je ne sais quoi.
Low key shipping these two, not gonna lie.
WTF #4: Darnley’s no good very bad day (and night)
Darnley’s been an interesting addition to the show, a sort of plot twist in human form. While they could have chosen to make him a dirtbag, instead he’s utterly devoted to Lady Kira and uninterested in hooking up with either Mary or Liz. But as we all know by now, Ma Darnley has her sights set quite a bit higher.
He promises Kira that he’ll head to Scotland but come back right away, leaving her with a token and a promise they can marry once he’s back. Note to CHARLES: he gives her a PROMISE OF MARRIAGE not a FINGER, because he is NOT A SOCIOPATH CANNIBAL.
Of course, when he comes back she’s been married off to some other dude, leaving him all alone on the bridge like a giant #sadface emoji.
Which means that his marriage to Mary (#spoilers for Renaissance history) is going to be so interesting. He’ll be bummed to be without Kira, but how will that come out — will he take over from James as the palace’s new official playboy? Will he pull a Charles and sulk and pout and drink virgins’ blood (working theory)? What we’re not seeing in the cards between these two is any kind of true love connection.
WTF #3: That girl is poison poison poison
Narcisse’s long English adventure comes to an end, and it just feels so right to have him back in France, right? Cathy’s just out here chilling in her Once Upon A Mattress costume, enjoying some French vino, when what to her wondering eyes should appear?
Her ex-piece/blood enemy with benefits, Narcisse! In both leather pants and… sleeves? Plus sword. And of course, L’il John.
Cathy is super relieved not only to finally have another proper grown-up here for companionship but also Narcisse provides much-needed backup in her latest battles with her Spanish Queen daughter, her Adorable Mourning Daughter, and her son, The Vampire Lestat.
Seriously, these two. I can’t even. You know Narcisse is so glad to be back in town, and Cathy is glad to have a reason to break out this latticework gown. Sidenote: did Narcisse borrow one of Pimp Daddy’s old furs?
Basically, Leeza’s brought this Spanish church dude to town as a power play, and he’s having none of Cathy and Narcisse. Leeza, oozing Serena van der Woodsen levels of thirst for parental approval, is like, “You see, Mummy? I’m a good and powerful Queen. My crown is big to compensate for the empty pit that is my soul.”
Oh, and the pawn in this battle is Charles, who has completed his cosplay as the lead singer of an 00s emo band that I would very much like to see in concert.
Cathy being Cathy, she enlists a Flying Squad Gal to secretly poison the Spanish Dude, but Leeza knows it was her, and enlists one of her servants to drink all the poisons in Cathy’s room. A moment of appreciation for what Leeza is serving us this week: bell sleeves, gold brocade, she is ready for the lead role in Macbeth.
But plot twist! Cathy’s the only Lady MacB in this casa, as she casually is like, “Child of mine, those are my perfumes, not poisons. Take it down a peg, mmkay?”
This show being this show, the poison makes Spanish Dude temporarily blind and his sight comes back just when Claude is leaning over him backlit by a window, and he is like, “THIS GIRL IS LITERALLY A SAINT! SHE RESTORED MY SIGHT AND IS ALSO CUTE AS A BUTTON!” He is not incorrect.
Cathy, naturally, sees the opportunity in this and works with Narcisse to convince Claude to play along. “Just pretend you’re a Saint for Mummy, now that’s a good girl.”
Claude, in the sweetest little tiara and snood is like, “… the heck?”
A family resemblance becomes apparent when Leeza, confronted with this latest bonkers plot twist is also like, “Esqueeze me?” Sidenote: her crown here is hilarious. It’s constructed of little sticky-out pearls that sort of lean forwards, like a chorus line of sperm poised for a high dive. I. Love. Her. So. Much.
So, basically, everything’s coming up Cathy apart from the tricky situation that is HER SON THE KING IS A VAMPIRE CANNIBAL and just lays around playing on his PS4 all day.
More on this later. I mean, obviously.
Anyway, Leeza yet again proves that her name should really be Cathy Jr as she stomps in to visit her sister with a genius scheme. Claude, having shifted from her mourning drag to saint drag, is too busy being pious to care much atm.
Until Leeza is like, “You know what saints do, right? They have to lay hands on lepers, of which I have brought a colony here and they’re right outside and want you to touch them RIGHT NOW all over their leprous bodies.”
Claude, naturally, hard passes on this and the jig, she is up.
This whole plotline is old school French poison shenanigans and we’re here for it. Mostly because things are getting hella grim and this may be the last wacky poison scheme we get for awhile.
WTF #2: Charles gives monarchy the a finger
On the one hand, Spencer MacPherson has never been so captivating as now that he’s in full Lestat cosplay and lounging around with dead dead dead eyes; on the other hand, this is all so sad but on another, third hand, it’s amazing so let’s dig in.
So, Narcisse figures that French Joffrey just needs to get laid, so he arranges for a virginal young lady to pay a visit to him in his chambers. When she arrives, he’s lounging like David Bowie in Labyrinth, and essentially monologues at her for like twelve years.
Now, as you may recall last time we were placing our bets on Fight Club and/or self-harm, but this week veers straight into vampire cannibal torture dungeon cult territory. He shows his visitor a human finger bone (!!!!) that he explains he keeps with him at all times (!!!!!) and then is like, “Hey, let’s go into this secret other room where I will either drink your blood, chain you up as a sex slave, and/or eat the skin from your bones.”
Needless to say, this young woman and her figure skater level sequin puffed sleeves was never seen again. Do we think he killed her? Not sure. But it is more than slightly possible he’s keeping her in some sort of torture dungeon like in Saw and/or performing Dr. Frankenstein type experimental surgeries.
All we know is if this business brings back Bash and the Pagans and/or Nostradamus, it will all have been worth it.
WTF #1: The most shocking rose ceremony ever!
So Gideon is breaking the land-speed record this week commuting between England and Scotland. He kicks things off with a visit to his fake boss, Liz, who looks spring-y and softer than usual in pale green with jewels.
The two of them hatch a scheme that if Gideon can convince Mary to marry him instead of Darnley, Liz will let them live in safety in a house and raise babies and happy ever after, etc.. This is, naturally, all Gideon has ever wanted so he rushes off to Scotland to propose to Mary.
Mary, dressed in a German national vest and… sheer sleeves…? Is like, “Are you kidding me? What?”
So Gideon pulls out the big guns to convince her to throw away her career for love, apparently consulting with Chris Harrison for suggestions as his outdoor nighttime picnic Fantasy Suite is directly from The Bachelor playbook.
Rarely-sighted Reign legwear! Who knew they were all wearing Blair Waldorf-esque lacy tights under those long couture gowns??
Apparently dickmatized by Gideon’s prowess, Mary is now all in for Operation Abdicate And Run Off To Marry Gideon. Phase One of this plan is for the pair of them to appear conspicuously in love while in public, which is one of those things where they need to pretend to feel something they really feel and it’s sweet and sad. Mary’s tropical patterned gown here is STUN.NING.
Her curlicue crown, however, is sorta wishy-washy. I mean, in an episode with Leeza’s giant gold cheese hat and even Claude’s pointy little tiara, this is kinda wimpy, Mar.
All systems are go until she goes for some girl talk with Ma Darnley, who is clearly the Cathy of England and Scotland, but just with one son so all her intense mothering is focused on one kid instead of Cathy’s nine.
Mary’s like, “Soooo I’m never going to marry your son, because Gideon took me on a swamp picnic, and therefore he gets the final rose.” The shoulder situation on this gown is very 1930s-ish, while the little clavicle window keeps it in Mary’s wheelhouse.
Ma Darnley, shown here in a dress the color of which can only be described as metallic mucus, is like, “Cool, cool, no prob. But like, you are aware that the castle Liz is preparing for you and Gideon is also literally a fortified prison and you will never again be free?”
Mary begins to second-guess her decision.
So… one outfit change later, she puts on her pointiest crown to go and break Gideon’s little Hobbity heart.
Tragically, he’s yet again set up an outdoor pillow situation for them, which is like… who is going to clean that bedding after you’re done making out? You literally set up SILK PILLOWS on a RIVERBANK no wonder she’s dumping you. That, beetween the pillows and the beading on Mary’s dress, I’m getting a sort of muted Bollywood aesthetic here.
Mary lets him down gently, basically explaining that she is choosing all of Scotland over him, which is much kinder than it’s not you, it’s me.
Gideon is sadly blindsided.
The whole squad turns out for his Bye Felicia moment. Greer, I love you in green, and I hope someday soon you get your own plotline again.
But LOL Gideon’s still not done with this show, as he shows up at his second home, Liz’s sitting room, to ask his boss for some help with his relationship troubles.
Liz, who is wearing a crown and hairdo that make her entire head look like an artichoke, has no time for his feelings. She is at war with her cousin and there’s only way to get this through to him.
The gloves are coming off, y’all. Next week will be QUEEN vs. QUEEN and we are gagging to see what happens next.