Gosh almighty, how long did that hiatus go on?! My last recap for your fair selves was Fight or Flight, a mere six episodes ago, yet I’ve had time to get into med school, dye my hair blonde a̶n̶d̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶s̶u̶a̶d̶e̶ ̶T̶o̶r̶r̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶C̶o̶o̶m̶b̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶j̶u̶m̶p̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶d̶l̶y̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶e̶e̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶p̶. As I said to my fellow YKYLF-ers, it doesn’t surprise me that we’re still going, just that this show still is: the political machinations belong on Showtime, the number of hook-ups/murders/murder-hook-ups on HBO, and the outfits belong in my nana’s closet (I assume that’s where Alan Van Sprang is hanging these days, so they won’t be too lonely). This week, we’re treated to several forgettable white guys punching way above their weight, The Darkness 2.0 – #seasononerealness #TBT – and more weaves than could be found in an abandoned cotton mill. I’M SO EXCITED, YOU GUYS.

WTF #5: #Giddyeon

Trend it, people. His face may be harder to recall than where you left your purse that one time, but milord knows how to work those layers, not to mention brown, gold…

…more brown, more gold…but whatevs, he’s only around for Mary to sexily lie to about the Vatican denying her funds, and so she can give his daughter this creepy doll:

Which kind of looks like Elizabeth? Is that deliberate? IS IT A VOODOO DOLL?!

Mary’s serving up a dead animal cloak we’ve definitely seen her in before. I’m more interested in her earrings, which are pretty but very Eastern Orthodox-y, if you ask me, and probably mean Adelaide Kane is cycling through the major religions, hoping that some god will take pity on her poor earlobes.

She swaps to the blessed relief of studs to pop to Greer’s brothel, plus this lovely, slightly chainmail-y, Celtic (?) cloak, which I assume doubles up as a picnic blanket.

Sadly, that’s the last time we see Mary looking halfway normal all episode. Elizabeth has offered to make her heir to the English throne, but only if Mary allows her to choose her next husband. Approximately nineteen people tell Mary this before Gideon does, but because he’s her love interst she has to be all sheer and monochrome and multiple peplumswhen he taps on her window and knocks on her door because he wants to make her feel beautiful.

Apologies, Your Maj, but those weird, asymmetrical, lacy overlay thingies really remind me of cabbage leaves, and they have no business in my recap.

Gideon says, ‘don’t marry another English dude, we’re all the same bloke, just a teeny bit different’, or something to the effect that agreeing to Elizabeth’s terms would weaken the heck out of Mary. Her clothes suggest she’s well on her way to distraught.

What is this dress?! There are ruffles in that weird purple-y mocha colour I don’t know the name of! There’s random brocade appliques! There’s a belt which doesn’t match a single thing!

Apparently, Gideon’s into it. Sorry for not including a shot of Ben Geurens’ biceps here, I now totally get what Mary sees in him.

A clue: it’s his biceps, plus his ability to KILL A MAN BY SMASHING HIS HEAD IN WITH THE LID OF A MURDER TRUNK TO PROTECT HIS GIRLF.

Anyone who remembers Ringer’s murder trunk has been waiting for this day. So long, random white dude who was just trying to do his job by reporting to Elizabeth.

Did I mention Catherine told Mary to get some before she got some? And then Mary was like, ‘yeah, I got some’, and then Catherine was like, ‘damn, dowager daughter-in-law’, and then Mary was like, ‘still lying to him about the Vatican and whatnot, LOL’, and Catherine was like, ‘so that’s why you have the skirt of a flamenco dancer and the belt of a prize fighter!’

‘Oooh, did you borrow that shirt from Stevie Nicks?’

WTF #4: The Royal We

Elizabeth I, I have missed you. I haven’t missed you so much I neglect to mention you’re sporting the accessories of a teen scene queen, but I’ve missed you.

The golden detailing on the bodice of this goldenrod gown is downright exquisite. Someone issue a decree forbidding Liz from ever wearing anything but yellow again.

Or from letting her hair down, Lord have mercy. The peach spangly dress is so-so, but that weave has an agenda of its own, and if Liz doesn’t jump the disgraced Robert, why, you can bet her hair will still do its best to ensnare him.

So some guys rock up to Dudley’s Super! Secret! Hiding! Spot! and challenge him to a duel, which he agrees to because he’s an idiot, and which Elizabeth attends because she’s also an idiot (albeit it one in a very cute cloak which appears solely responsible for keeping the tweed industry in business).

Here we pause because Robert’s shirt is the dirtiest thing ever. It doesn’t look like it’s meant to be grey, it looks like he’s worn it to the gym eight times and then rolled down a hill.

He smartens up a bit for his return to court, where Elizabeth grants him the title of Earl of Leicester for his *cough* service to the crown…then orders him to marry Mary because he knows full well her weave will throttle him if he ever betrays her.

Dudley resists, Liz uses the Royal We – well, technically the Royal Our – which is AMAZING, and is all, ‘bitch, I’m the Queen, shush your mush’.

You work that old gold, girl. Just don’t put an eye out on one of your shoulders.

WTF #3: Now You’re Just Somebody That I Used to Know

Welcome to the part of the recap specifically dedicated to people I forgot about before this episode, such as Catherine’s murder slice:

I don’t care how you actually spell his name, I’m spelling it like Kristoff from Frozen, and let that be an end to it. Catherine has Bash send him to Chambord – presumably a place rather than a liqueur – to kill an infestation of wolves, or perhaps just wolf-sized cockroaches, I wasn’t paying attention.

Unfortunately for Catherine, Murder Slice can only get his jollies by slaughtering actual people, and returns. This is annoying, as I was only just learning to tell him, Gideon and Robert apart.

So Greer’s pregnant? With a baby? With a pirate baby? I assume that’s why she’s taken to styling her hair like a squid and being conspicuously absent for most of the episode.

I love her snuggly, sparkly, somehow Satanic madam dressing gown thingie, but I am not behind her not coming clean to Mary and instead pretending she wants to stay in France, because it’s not like her baby daddy isn’t portable. HE’S A GOSH DARN PIRATE.

Bash continues to get the minimum of screen time, although he does get this snazzy green doublet Peter Jackson clearly wasn’t using for a Tolkein adaptation that day.

Claude has a walk on role watching a play we’ll get to later. She’s dressed like Marabou Barbie, but I can hardly blame her for being off her game sartorially when she’s sandwiched between Bashes I and II, both of whom contributed roughly nothing to the plot this week.

Bash Original has his star turn later, in an ensemble so dreadful, it needed two pictures’ worth of snark. Behold, the checked V-neck-y vest business of ugliness!

Marvel at his chocolate brown leather trousers which compliment nothing whatsoever and don’t even fit him and clash with everything else and *foams at the mouth*

The fact that Catherine, cool as a cucumber in black crochet and her usual ten pounds of jewellery, didn’t rise from her chair to strike him down for crimes against fashion is a miracle.

WTF #2: Lizzoli and Lola of the Isles

Lola in England is a godsend. She’s my favourite character on Reign, and Elizabeth is fast becoming my second favourite, so what’s not to like?

Her complete lack of clothing options, that’s what.

We’ve seen this dress before. We’ve seen that necklace before. I have no doubt we’ve seen this dress and that necklace paired together before. Why oh why can’t Lola be allowed to be fabulous as she judges Liz for her secret assignations with RDud? Does Narcisse have a stranglehold on the ladies’ garment industry or something?

In Lola’s defence, she did then go on to blow my mind with this leopard print stole, worn over a cloak because England/Canada is well known for its freak snowstorms.

Turns out Lola has mad pistol knowledge too, ramping up the tension before Robert shoots someone and before before he gets all whiney about it. I bet she’s pro-gun control too.

#SadRachFace

Giving up your whiney lover is hard, even when you have Evangeline Lilly’s hair from The Hobbit and pearls on your nightgown.

Luckily, Lola shows up to play chess and reveals her secret leanings towards English fashion, yay! Those poofy sleeves are very Elizabeth, and I love the crinkly fabric, which is the polar opposite of French Court’s hallmark Coachella floatiness.

It seems these two gorgeous gals have chess in common as well as awful taste in men, and I’m not saying they should date each other, but you guys, they really should date each other and dismantle the patriarchy and maybe Mary can join in and create the Union earlier in history than it actually occurred…or maybe they should play chess.

Maybe for now they should play chess.

WTF #1: It’s a Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark World

I suspect Megan Follows has done more than direct an episode or two, you know. From the state of her wardrobe and the bling Catherine’s sporting, I’m pretty sure she’s running the show now. We at YKYLF would be very behind this if so.

Although her brouhaha with the reincarnation of a slug known as Lord Narcisse is over, he drops by now and again in outfits which sort of match hers, but Catherine was already matching her scarlet with her scarlet fine, thank you very much, and responds to his trail of slime and stubble accordingly.

She’s got bigger things to worry about, such as the Vatican wanting Mary to agree to let Elizabeth pick her next husband, after which she’ll be bumped off, after which Mary will be bumped off, then there can be a Catholic man on the English throne and all will be right with the world, AHAHAHA NO.

Didn’t ABBA used to wear collars like this? Not with such flair, obviously.

Mary’s despair is apparent in the fact she’s wearing a geisha girl costume with half an Easter basket stitched on top. That floral just looks lost, poor thing.

The play’s the thing wherein to mark the coronation of a king who gets maybe two lines. Catherine dredges up this dude to put one on, which is what he does.

Said play is interrupted by a guy in a Baphomet mask going on about a thing that Henry did that Bash saw that Catherine is somehow responsible for, involving thirteen shish-kebab-ed knights.

I do wish this evil ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong could’ve aired his grievances when Catherine’s ensemble didn’t make me want to weep silvery tears of joy. The flattering foil gown! The matching evening cape! The perfectly chosen accessories! Claire Danes at the Met Ball has nothing on Catherine in this scene.

Catherine and Murder Slice are hanging out on the battlements when these thirteen ghostly assholes appear. We’ve been through this with the Darkness and the Sexy Pagans, then with Delphine and the Dead People, and I’m not sure I want to go through it again with Catherine and the Unholy Pony Express.

They throw a spear, because they’re dramatic ghostly assholes, with an attached note reading ‘your debt will be paid’.

I assume they’re talking about student loans.