This week on House Hunters: Miami, Jane and Michael’s search for a new shared home brings a host of other issues to the surface – not least of which is Jane’s new Wonderfalls-esque conversations with inanimate objects. But that’s like the C plot when we’re also dealing with the Villanuevas temporarily living in the Marbella, Alba’s sudden romance with Pablo Alonso Segura, Rogelio’s intensity about wanting to invite Charo and 100 others to the #JICHAEL nuptials and Rafael investigating his gross brother. Buried so deep in these plots you almost don’t notice is the heartbreaking story of Petra’s struggles with post-partum. Girl needs a hug so bad you guys.
As per usz, things kick off with a flashback. This time we get a peek at young Alba and OG Mateo when they first took ownership of the house the Villanueva ladies still live in today. Snaps to the casting dept for finding this actress who always looks exactly like Gina Rodriguez’s IRL family member. And for hiring a dude to play Mateo who makes Justin Baldoni look like Steve Buscemi. Dude is smoking.
Also loving the way this sundress makes her resemble her granddaughter all the more. These are three generations of well-dressed Miami women.
As it turns out, this house will not be habitable for quite awhile, not least of which is not in six weeks when Jane and Michael plan to tie the knot inside. Love these three in hard hats, looking at once adorable and horrified at the mold that’s been festering in their walls for the last forever. Xo’s the standout in her military-if-the-military-were-dressed-by-Liberace look. Gold chain strap on the handbag AND an arm party AND a statement belt? Here for it.
While they’re out of a home, they’re spending their time living at the Marbella as Rafael’s treat. As a huge fan of five star hotel living, I relate all too much with how immediately they all get way too used to this life of luxury. Xo is all of us, spending every available moment dressed only in her complimentary robe and doubling down on room service breakfast options.
This week in Mateo is the cutest TV baby: waving! Little guy won’t stop waving when he and Jane stop by to say hey to his Abuela and Great Abuela. Jane doesn’t need to worry about her outfits at all when this guy’s on the scene as nobody’s looking at her. But she can’t stop won’t stop with the shiny waves and low key grad student ensembs. Heart eyes for the feather pattern on this tee.
Stylish mini human he may be, Mateo’s still teething and he will not stop crying. Jane wanders the halls of the Marbella, undoubtedly delighting all of the paying guests, basically all night waiting for him to stop weeping. Respect that instead of worn-out pjs she’s repping a sweet matching set that’s not too far removed from her reg day off of school style.
While up one night, she runs into Petra, wandering the halls like a zombie sans Anna and Elsa. Sensing that her frenemy needs some moral support, Jane brings her along to the same Mommy and Me group that helped her back in the day. Petra does not last long, ditching class in favor of standing in the breeze like an emo Grecian goddess in this floaty post-preg-friendly shift and gold sandals. She may have some serious mental health concerns atm but her style is still top of the game.
Meanwhile, in another of this week’s 1,000 plotlines, Alba’s cozying up to Pablo while bringing some serious “whan bae gives you that look” eyes.
I love and adore seeing her in a dating plotline, but this guy? With this mustache and this bolo tie? She can do so much better.
But Alba’s been out of the game for so long she’s ready to get married to the first guy who twinkles in her direction. That’s right, two dates in and Alba’s totes engaged! Wait what?
Petra, back at work in front of the mural of the WOMAN IN THE LEOPARD PRINT DRESS WALKING HER PET JAGUAR aka my dream future office. She’s always been into the pastel side of the spectrum, but this series of muted tones really speaks to her internal struggles to define herself as a new Mom.
At the suggestion of a help line, she goes to see her Mom in maximum security prison, where orange is the new eyepatch apparently. Magda is her trademark terrible, basically telling Petra she’s a terrible mother and should just give up her daughters and run away.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, Rafael’s still killing time with his useless half-brother, Even Grosser John Mayer. NOPE.
So much else to talk about I can’t even get into Rogelio’s latest time-travel TV adventure in the court of Marie Antoinette. Rest assured: there were lavender stockings.
Phew. OK, so Jane and Michael are looking for a new home for their soon-to-be-family. Not coincidentally at all, they’re fully channeling Alba and OG Mateo as they do so. I really like this rose gold color story on Jane – it brings out her Florida tan in a really complimentary way which is tough to pull off given the palette is so close to her actual skin tone. Snaps for Miss Jane here.
The first house they visit is in their price range and still in the neighborhood they want, but is otherwise 100% terrible. Jane’s killer platform shoes take one look at this shag carpet and lack of washer/dryer like PASS.
And then it turns out that Pablo is not only CURSED but is also your standard issue bad news boo, courting all the ladies of a certain age. How is he doing this with a) dat stache and b) this coat of many colors??? Is he for real that charming with his “folded napkin turns into a flower” shtick?
Luckily, Jane and Xo witness this betrayal with their finest telenovela OMFG!! faces. I’m into Xo’s flowy ombre top here as well as Jane’s comfy knit dress. They’re both so immediately at home in the Marbella, I almost hope they never leave.
Alba’s sad she got played, but this whole experience has led her to realize she’s ready to get out there and date some more dudes! I am here for the upcoming AARP Tinder shenanigans, especially because we’ll get to see Alba throw down yet more Helen Mirren adjacent fashion.
Anywhoodle, Raf offers to buy Jane and Michael a house and all three of them struggle with this, ultimately deciding not to take him up on the offer. But then a miracle! A perfect house in their price range AND in the right neighborhood basically falls into their lap. And yet again, a 2016 take on Alba & OG Mateo’s home owner steez. This is one of my fav Jane looks ever – sexy yet casual, summery, a little quirky: perfection.
Then it turns out Petra secretly sold them the house which somehow made me tear up more than a little. She just needs love, you guys!
Things wind down with a fake house, namely, Rogelio’s had an exact replica of the Villanueva homestead built on a soundstage just in time to host their wedding. Everyone tears up and I feel very weird about seeing the actual Jane the Virgin set all revealed like this. Having flashbacks to the finale of The Hills.
But while everyone else is celebrating, Petra’s skipping town AND her babies in the heartbreakingist moment ever. NOOOOO!
How are we supposed to wait two weeks to find out what happens to Anna and Elsa’s mom?? Let alone what’s next for the other seventeen plotlines currently being juggled on this show. Hopefully the last few episodes this season bring ALL OF THE HUGS FOR MY GIRL PETRA.