This week’s episode is all about moving on from your past. In Jane’s case, that means moving forward with Michael rather than remembering how they might have been AND dealing with her novel having been maybe plagiarized by her ex-idol. For Rafael, that means a return to old, shirtless bad habits. And for Xo and Abuela, it’s remembering the choices they made as mother and daughter and the ripples those still have in the lives of those they love. But of course it’s still Jane the Virgin so this is all couched in a goofy Sliding Doors subplot, Rafael’s lavender-colored kidnapping, and Petra bestowing the most ill-advised baby names anyone could imagine in the year 2016.
So, Jane and Michael pick things up where they left off last week – officially on-again and letting out all those months of repressed romantic longing. Also, Jane’s still in her gorgeous Marilyn Monroe blue sequinned number and she is DTF.
But Michael knows how much her abstinence vow means to her and is like, “Let’s just wait until we get married. I mean, it’ll be pretty soon, right?” Which basically makes Jane throw herself at him again, but with outside-the-clothes-touching only.
While #Jichael (that is their ship name, right? It’s been so long since they’ve been together I can’t remember) embark on a reunion dating montage rivalling Jessa x Adam in SUH CUHTENESS, Rafael’s been keeping busy getting busy on a slut spiral (RIP Marissa Cooper). To be fair, he’s dealing with A LOT RIGHT NOW and slutting it up has always been his coping mechanism. You do you, boo.
Even Mateo’s giving him the old side-eye at this behavior, proving that he’s really Xiomara’s grandson. Look at this face. Baby knows what’s up.
Seriously: no shirt is safe in this slut spiral. He’s like that astronaut who just returned to Earth after a year in space and his skin is too sensitive to wear clothes anymore, but Rafael’s spent a year in psychological space. He feels safest at his most vulnerable. And also: possibly Justin Baldoni got the writers to include these scenes to show off his latest Crossfit results.
And for that, I thank this show.
Meanwhile, Rogelio’s still living out his personal Lifetime movie/Misery situation with his ex-stalker/personal assistant/Marcia Clark dressalike Crazy Lola.
Being, as we all know, Rogelio is one of the greatest actors of our time, he commits to method acting his way out of this by pretending to have fallen in love with his crazy stalker. See how cute they are in matching lavender PJs – part of Rogelio’s collection, or something Lola brought along herself? Both options equally likely.
Back in the land of actual couples who also look way too cute, #Jichael celebrate their would-have-been-their-first-anniversary-if-they-hadn’t-broken-up-due-to-the-events-of-Season-One anniversary by continuing to revel in their new-old relaysh. Jane’s rocking another Marilyn Monroe neckline, this time in a sort of Edith Crawley shade of peach that isn’t the greatest on her, frankly, but she’s glowing so much it almost doesn’t matter. Almost
But then: PLOT TWIST! Michael gifts her with the latest book by Angelique Harper (the writer Jane loved from season one who she accidentally ended up massaging), and it turns out that the plot was plagiarized from Jane’s story!! So, rather than sharing a romantic candlelit dinner, Jane and Michael unleash their Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys nerdity and work together to build a plagiarism case against Angelique. Let no one say these two aren’t perfect together.
Interesting that the reconciled Michael and Jane are in blue and pink… does that bode well for the future of this other couple in pink and blue? Petra stops by for a visit only to find Rafael having apparently an allergic reaction to yet another shirt.
Relating to our theme of the past repeating itself, Petra’s been here and seen this previously before in their marriage. Much like Michael knows Jane won’t rest until she gets to the bottom of the plagiarism thing, Petra knows Rafael only acts out like this because he’s upset. And I can’t not mention MAD RESPECT for Petra maintaining her hair and accessory game when overdue with twins. Kate Middleton level commitment to image during pregnancy.
And THEN!!! Another plot twist. Xo snoops in Abuela’s messages and discovers Abuela’s pre-marital sexcret. Not entirely unfairly, Xo flips out on how Abuela always guilted her for having a sex drive. It’s a hard scene to watch, and that’s not even discussing Xo’s short-short-short-shorts and jewel-strapped tie-die cami sitch. Jane’s just focusing on Mateo and staying out of this drama in her turquoise top.
And then ANOTHER PLOT TWIST!! It turns out that Rafael has been secretly working with Michael to help bring down the whole Mutter/half-brother Derek criminal enterprise. And honestly? Raf may have found his calling as a honey trap. Sidenote: like every character wore a tee made of this same heathered light green. Was Target having a special promotion?
When Jane spills the beans about both Raf’s new Peggy Carter lifestyle and the book plot theft scenario, Petra takes her under her wing and they head out to unleash their righteous fury. Petra gives Jane lessons in toughening up, Czech femme fatale style. “Drop your voice an octave. Calm. Quiet. It’s always much scarier.” Also scary? Petra’s necklace comprised of mini-daggers.
But then! No time for femme fatale lessons: Petra’s babies are on their way.
The remainder of the episode is basically a masterclass if facial expressions from Yael Grobglas as Petra throws down in the birthing suite, largely in Czech.
Jane tries the loving motivation that got her through her own birth, but Petra’s not having it. So Jane drops her voice an octave and gets calm and quiet, fully channeling Petra’s sociopath of a mother.
Tough love is clearly the best option with this one. Not only does Jane help Petra through the birth, but I’m pretty sure these two are now BFFs for life. Awwww, #Jetra. #Pane?
And then in maybe the best gag this show has ever done, Petra reveals the names she and Rafael selected a few weeks ago: Elsa and Anna. They have no idea and of course they don’t and it’s amazing.
Post-birth, Jane heads out (hair still improbably perfect, although of course she wasn’t the one who gave birth) to find Michael looking all sweet and he proposes and she fully commits because these two are just like two adorable puppies together.
This isn’t one of those episodes that ends in a sweet romantic moment, though. We’ve still got two more cliffhangers (as well as the “Will Rogeliio escape Lola’s lavender love dungeon”) one:
1) Xo’s invited Abuela’s lost love back in town. Abuela is not only not impressed BUT ALSO informs Xo that this guy is BAD NEWS. Also: is this the first time Xo’s worn a top with actual sleeves?
And 2) Rafael’s no-good possibly-evil half-brother Derek is on the scene now too, and he’s staying at the Marbella.
With both Jane and Petra busy with babies and their own love stories, it’ll be interesting to see what role Derek has to play. Uh-oh, we haven’t seen Lina in awhile and she’s always been a sucker for a scruffy guy…