It’s red carpet roundtable time! From the daring to the darling, these were our favorite 2016 Oscars looks, broken down by category.
1) So Floaty!
Jennifer Lawrence, Priyanka Chopra, Brie Larson, Rooney Mara, Heidi Klum, and Cate Blanchett are about to blow away.
Ritchie: J. Law is paying tribute to her fave Disney movie by showing up as one of the anthropomorphized feather duster French maids from Beauty & the Beast. She should have gone up to sing “Be Our Guest”.
Isobel: You know what was WOW: JLaw’s dress her first year at the Oscars; she let her own beauty speak for her. The more high fashion she gets, the more Katniss we get in peplums, fluff and foofy bits, which are clearly for the Capitol’s benefit, not hers/ours.
Amanda: Rooney Mara apologizes for the whitewashing of Peter Pan by whitewashing her dress.
Ritchie: I think it’s a fantastic dress but it’s too interesting for the Oscars IMO.. It may be better for the MET Gala.
Constance: Agreed. That delicate lace makes such a statement against her usual severity, but it’s a much more complex look than anyone wants at the Oscars.
Ritchie: Heidi Klum’s dress is the sort of thing she’d destroy on Project Runway.
Jen: It’s straight out of the 70s “rainbow wedding” trend. All she needs is an additional sleeve, a big sun hat, and a Carpenters song.
Amanda: One strong breeze and we’re seeing Heidi’s Klums. Sorry guys, I was possessed by the ghost of Fashion Police jokes for a second
Ritchie: I’m sure the embellishments on Cate are cocooning cicadas that will open their wings and fly away simultaneously into the night when it’s time to change out of that outfit.
Amanda: I have nothing bad to say about Cate’s dress because she is just taking her Greek goddess form as Chloris, goddess nymph of flowers.
Annabelle: Honestly the fashion was all so safe and meh this year I’m not sure if Cate’s dress is great, or if it’s just great in comparison to everyone else. But pretty sure it’s legit great.
2) So Shiny!
Naomi Watts, Kerry Washington, and Kate Winslet all got the subtle shine memo.
Constance: Naomi’s mermaid look is a little generic, but I can’t deny it’s pretty. Kerry Washington is Angelina-ing the hell out that slit, but she is flawless and i have no complaints.
Ann: Kerry is definitely bringing the sexy Stormtrooper realness.
Ritchie: Kate’s gown is so shiny I think we can broadcast adverts throughout the show on it, with ABC, her designer and Kate collectively splitting the ad revenue.
Ann: It literally looks like she’s wearing the result of a Project Runway “turn this garbage bag into a dress” challenge. But I think I like it?
3) Stylish Comfort
Amy Poehler, Sandy Powell, and Lady Gaga can cross their legs.
Ann: I’m into Amy’s kimono-adjacent thing. She can breathe easily AND eat her fill of after-party sliders, unlike every other woman there in their industrial strength Spanx
Ritchie: I’m guessing that is why she wore it, and everyone else was jealous she could get away with it.
Constance: Have we talked yet about how fab Amy looks as a redhead? Because I am feeling it.
Ritchie: I no longer want to go as David Bowie for Halloween. Instead, I want to go as Sandy Powell in David Bowie drag king for Halloween.
Constance: I’m always here for a sassy red carpet lady suit, and I would get behind Sandy’s even more if she had hemmed the pants.
Ann: I always love seeing costume designers at the Oscars. They’ve got unique style, never cookie-cutter. Remember the woman in the 90s who wore a dress made up of gold Amex cards?
Ritchie: Lizzy Gardiner for The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert!!!!!
Ann: I knew you would know that answer off the top of your head.
Jen: I hesitated putting Gaga in this category. While her lower half looks comfy, I worry that the bodice renders her unable to bend forward.
Bella: As to the lower half, we have a sequel to Serena vdW’s Pants that Ate Paris: Gaga’s Pants that Ate Hollywood!
GenA Rowlands, Phyllis Nagy, and Diane Warren do not give even one fuck.
Ann: You know what? I give all three total respect. Throwback to red carpets 20 years ago when nobody cared.
Ritchie: Demi Moore in bike shorts, 1988.
Jen: I admire Gena Rowlands for her practical shoes and purse. And for being a lady-of-a-certain-age and showing some knee.
Bella: Is that Kris Jenner on the end?
Ritchie: No, it’s Diane Warren, and she’s gone 0 for 6 at the Oscars. But her songs have collectively earned at least half a kajillion dollars in royalties, and have likely been used to conceive half of the planet’s population since 1985. She can borrow a cardigan from Saffron of AbFab to wear to the Oscars anytime she freaking wants.