I’m not sure what happened to the costume department this week, but somehow every single costume was quasi-historically accurate like THAT IS NOT WHY I WATCH THIS SHOW. Were they all struck ill at the same time and some temps were brought in, temps who misguidedly thought that because the show takes place in 16th century French and English court people should dress like 16th century courtiers? I guess that would all be fine if the plot was the standard off-the-walls bonkers, but things were relatively low-key for this show: just one murder, and a self-inflicted one at that. Basically all that happened was: Carlos gets his memory back, Mary bonds with Gideon, Claude and Leith seal the deal, and Liz is totes pregz.

 

BONUS WTF: Mary has a not-so-little definitely-not-a-lamb

Raise your hand if you totally forgot that Mary has a giant horse dog named Sterling! Apparently he was in season one, and he’s still kicking around.

Respect. Not only will this dog keep attackers at bay, if she needs to make a quick escape she can hop on side-saddle, and ride off into the night.

 

WTF #5: Everybody was puff sleeve wearing

Last week was all about the cloaks, and this week seems to be the result of the wardrobe department have just seen Crimson Peak. Every single woman has puff sleeves on every single dress this week, even Robert’s crazy wife Amy:

Sidenote: more on her later.

Amy’s romantic rival (though is it really a rivalry when one of them has zero change of winning? OR SO IT SEEMS) brings out puff sleeves nearly the size of her gorgeous, over-expressive face.

This look is “angry chipmunk whose lover won’t divorce his wife to get with her even though she’s totes pregz and FYI also the Queen.”

You know Liz is having a tough time when we find her sporting this Renaissance Slanket type garment with dropped puff sleeves (?) which I guess are just like, deflated sleeves? Girl looks killer in green, as ever.

 

Mary literally wears a housecoat from Crimson Peak for a late-night gossip sesh with her not-quite-a-love-interest-but-the-closest-she-has-rn Gideon:

We see Cathy’s influence over Mary’s style as this Queen spends most of the episode wearing a Cathy-style formal housecoat. Not sure what’s happening in her hair area, though. Is that… foliage?

 

Even Delphine makes a desperate bid to fit in on the show with these baby-sized puffs:

Sorry girl, your plotline is still the zzzzzzzz

 

WTF #4: Free Bash and Delphine 2K16

As I totally forgot because I now go into a full fugue state when this plotline happens, I guess Delphine swapped brains with the still-at-large serial killer which means she now wants to kill people but the killer doesn’t… or something? I think Delphine and Bash enter a similar state when they have to do these scenes:

Even the wardrobe department has abandoned them to the point I think Delphine’s wearing a throw rug here.

These two look like they’re making a stop at the farmer’s market on the way to the Ren Faire and is she seriously wearing a crossbody bag?? 

Like, Delphine is wearing basically a North Face parka here, whie Bash is outfit repeating his lewk from last week’s cloakapalooza. I bet inside of that is the actor’s regular clothes because NOBODY CARES ABOUT THIS PLOTLINE INCLUDING THE SHOW ITSELF.

#FREEBASHANDELPHINE2K16

 

WTF #3: Renaissance Gone Girl

In just five episodes, we’ve seen Amy Dudley go from wronged wife to ambitious seductress and finally, to “oh, didn’t I mention, she spent some time in an insane asylum when she was younger and is certifiably insane?”. I like this look on her. 

Despite being a straight-up abusive dick to her for their entire marriage, Robert shares the news of Liz’s pregnancy and tries to get Amy on side. She is having none of it.

Note: puff sleeves. Also note: amazing voluminous skirt action:

Basically, she obviously threatens to spill the news about the Queen’s pregnancy (which would destroy her credibility) and so Robert, dick that he is, pulls a full Bluebeard on her and locks her in this room.

But that won’t stop the OG Amazing Amy from getting her revenge. After pulling a series of Rachel Skarsten-worthy crazy faces:

This third face is “angry chipmunk who is going to wreak SO MUCH REVENGE on a woman who could have been her bestie if things had worked out differently.”

So, Ames busts up the room to make it look like a struggle happened, and then throws herself down the stairs, killing herself AND screwing over Robert and Elizabeth in the process.

Peace out, Amy Dudley. This was definitely one of the all-time best character exits from this show ever. You were only in five episodes, but you made them count.

 

WTF #2: It’s hard out here for a Queen

In one of those dashes of actual sociological commentary, this show got real this week about how effed both Mary and Elizabeth are being unmarried Queens of unstable monarchies.

Liz may be popular among the peasants (as seen during this Kate Middleton-like visit to the villagers) but she’s secretly pregnant which screws up basically everything. 

Also, I’m not sure how they’re ever going to extricate this crown from this hairdo:

 

Mary, meanwhile, needs a husband to help finance Scotland to support her reign. But her fiance is Prince Carlos, who she almost #sexmurdered two episodes ago, and who now has amnesia. Also not an ideal situation.

Her outfit here is one of two legitimately interesting garments, so let’s enjoy it while we can. She’s got a visible corset inside of a sheer nude top, and then a skirt with some interesting drapery action (and an oh-so-period accurate elasticized waistband):

 

So, Liz is dealing with the fallout of her pregnancy which is the ultimate no-win situation. She can’t marry Robert because he’s already married (and not a Prince or a King) but she can’t take the risk of terminating the pregnancy because it’s the 16th century and that process might kill her. Her fragile emotional state has has presenting as the girliest and most vulnerable we’ve seen to date:

With the amazing facial expressions we’ve all come to expect:

 

Contrast that with Mary, who (though she doesn’t know it) has the upper hand at the moment and is throwing down fierce ice queen realness like nobody’s business:

You see a hint here, but it’s not until get sits down for a kiki with Greer you really get a sense of the red underlay of her skirt:

 

If only Liz had a gal pal for helping out. All she’s got is her useless lover Robert – who, though now a widower, is not officially a non-option for her because everyone thinks he killed his clever wife – and her advisor Tom Everett Scott, who’s never any help really.

Don’t worry Liz (and your puff sleeves): Lola’s on her way and, though she’s ostensibly there to spy for Mary, she’s knows all about concealing secret pregnancies and also is an expert forger. I have high hopes for those two together.

 

WTF #1: A farewell to Carlos and his sex chair

Remember how literally two episodes ago, Mary and Cathy thought they had murdered Carlos? Good times. Now Cathy’s servant-lover Christian is trying to find his Anastasia Steele to try out the sex chair, and Mary’s about to marry now-amnesiac Carlos.

First, Christian tries to woo Cathy into using the chair.

When she tactfully declines using the chair that also is a quasi-murder weapon likely still with her DNA on it, Christian turns to this random kitchen maid:

Dude is determined to make use of this chair AND/OR the props department need bang for their buck, so to speak. Now that Mary and Carlos are dunzo, will the chair stay at French court sort of like Bash, just popping up when we need a new plotline? Here’s hoping.

 

Anyway, Carlos doesn’t get his memory back as I’d thought last week by connecting grain shipments to wood grains to chairs – but it’s just as random. He’s enjoying (?) a performance by a dude whipping a spinning top (?) when the whip brings back all of his memories. And then Mary’s horse dog licks his hand and he reacts, but that hand was supposed to be paralyzed, so now Queen M is SUSPICIOUS.

You would be forgiven for assuming Mary, like Liz and Greer, is hiding a pregnancy but no: this is just an unfortunately proportioned garment. Covered in roses, I would note (#ROSEWATCH2K16)

Speaking of the aforementioned secretly knocked up teenage madam, Greer seems to be focusing her anxiety into intricate braids. Sort of the adult coloring book of her day.

Actually, in the absence of Lola, Greer’s now pulling double-duty as Claude’s worldly confidante as well. Which is a little awk as Claude’s considering hooking up with Greer’s ex-bae, but Greer’s pragmatic about the whole thing.

And it’s actually her words of wisdom that convinces Claude to seal the deal with her guard paramour. Ugh, these two are too cute for words.

… which on this show means they’re doomed for heartbreak, but let’s give them this moment, shall we?

 

Because Mary, with Gideon’s help, figures out that newly non-amnesiac Carlos has been playing her to gain more control over Scotland. So she throws on a Spanish-flavored gown to confront him about all of this:

 

Carlos, who has no chill, immediately freaks out when she refuses to offer him power in Scotland and basically stomps out, all, “Nobody puts Carlos in a corner!”

Which is good for Mary, in the sense that he won’t steal her country, but bad in the sense that she still needs a husband. And is devastating for Claude, because the loss of Spain’s money in an alliance means she now has to marry one of the Howard Wolowitz-lookalikes who’ve been wooing her all episode.

Oh, the poor sweet little cinnamon roll. Here’s hoping she’s able to keep Leith as a side piece and that she doesn’t become the next winner in the unexpectedly 16-and-pregnant sweepstakes.