Have you ever wondered what the people in The Hunger Games’ Capitol watch in the months when there’s not a child murder reality show on? Just a little something called…

YOU GUYS. Not since the premiere of Reign have I been so excited and so perplexed with what a show is doing. From the opening credit shots of a decimated North America, we think we’re in for a sort of The 100 post-apocalyptic scenario.

And the opening scenes seem to sort of follow this train of thought, as we meet Princess Amberle (one “e”, no “y”) entering some sort of blindfolded parkour competish. When she shows up, this dude is like, “Oh, hey! As a girl, I assume you’re here to cheer me on?” Oh and also they both have pointy ears BECAUSE THEY’RE POST-APOCALYPTIC FUTURE ELF PEOPLE. Cute hair, Ambs.

But Amberle isn’t here to cheer on the dudes, she’s shown up Merida-style to compete as well! That’s why she’s wearing a woolly tee and strappy leather armwarmers. Her maid is mainly just here to help dramatically whip off Amberle’s cloak, which is why she’s wearing a one-sleeved leather shirt harness. And also cute hair.

And why does Amberle need leather wristbands to run through the woods blindfolded? And WHY ARE THEY RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS BLINDFOLDED?

Mostly just to impress John Rhys-Davies, here to give the show some legit fantasy bonafides. Do you think he finds it weird to be an elf now after spending so many years as a dwarf? Will I ever get used to seeing people with these pointy ears on?

So basically, both Amberle and Ears McGee are chosen as like… protectors of a magic tree? But nobody believes in magic, despite them ALL BEING ELVES.

MEANWHILE, Sebastian Kydd from The Carrie Diaries is a half-elf whose mother is dying. On this show, his name is Wil (with one “l”).

As a half-elf, his ears are a bit less pointy. Also he wears his hair down which covers them a bit, so I can officially now take him more seriously than anyone else on the show. His dying mother gives him these three elfstones, which are VERY IMPORTANT FOR SOME REASON.

He sadly buries her, while wearing either a post-apocalyptic elf hoodie OR an infinity scarf and I’m not sure which I’d prefer it to be. Whenever Wil’s around, it’s a sort of Game of Thrones American Eagle Outfitters situation.

 

But MEANWHILE, Amberle gets an ooky vision when she touches the magic tree (even though nobody believes in magic) so she hides away in her… ice palace room? While modeling the latest from Kate Hudson’s Fabletics.

I have MAD RESPECT for this show’s costumers, because it would have been so easy to just throw all the women into medieval-adjacent dresses like in every other elf fantasy magic show and movie ever.

I mean, we’re dealing with a magical world so why not let the ladies wear visible strappy bras? Why not have Amberle show up at the future elf soiree dressed like if Jabba the Hutt had taken a Bajoran sex slave from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? She has a METAL GARTER ON ONE LEG YOU GUYS.

Girlfriend is wearing twice her body weight in jewelry.

Not sure if those are head feathers, or if her hair has been coiffed into the SHAPE of feathers? And if you think between the metal turtlenecklace, the two arm cuffs and the dress’s bodice, she’s wearing about as many pounds of metal as one Princess can… then you haven’t seen her earrings yet:

BECAUSE SHE IS WEARING EAR CUFFS WITH CHAINS ON THEM ON HER POINTY EARS.

AND LATER ON, HER UNCLE WEARS THE MAN VERSION. These are like little metal wings for his ears but I guess, if you’ve got ’em, flaunt ’em.

 

Anyway, every time Amberle touches the magic-not-magic tree, she gets a vision of TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING. Things like her stabbing Sexy Ears to death, while wearing leather leggings and a bustier top:

 When Ears is like, “Hey! It’ll be OK!” she straight-up knocks him out with her sword because NO IT’S NOT OK!  Amberle = not one for pointless small talk. So then she runs away, hopefully the first order of business being putting on something a bit more practical.

Also running away? Or just running, since his horse ran off after being attacked by a troll? Is this tall drink of half-elf handsomeness, still in his hoodie/infinity scarf ensemble:

Fully out of his element in the troll-infested woods, he’s rescued by the other prong of what you just know is going to be a love triangle, Eritrea (not the African country):

Eritrea is street-smart, or woods-smart, or whatever you call a sexy as hell girl who lives in the woods while wearing seventeen different leather harnesses. She also has an extremely adorable Spanish accent AND she tells Wil his ears have short tips so: flirt game on fleek.

Also, her hair is like Vikings crossed with Game of Thrones with a bit of twine (?) woven in:

As if we couldn’t love her more, she then lures Wil back to “her cottage” (aka some strangers’ house she claims is her own in order to rob him), where she coerces him to take a bath, leading to the episode’s first instance of gratuitous male shirtlessness. Oh hai Austin Butler.

Then, because Eritrea-not-the-country is the best ever and Wil is like Luke Skywalker Episode 4 level naive, she easily knocks him out and steals the elfstones. Wil is like OH NOES!!

 

Meanwhile back in the kingdom of John Rhys-Davies, Poor Man’s Joe Manganiello wakes up from several decades/centuries’ worth of magic-not-magic sleep because the world needs him for… reasons.

When he first meets up with JRD, he’s like, “Welcome Al-Anon” and my friends and I were like, “Did he just call him Al-Anon?” and I googled it and it’s spelled “Allannon” but yes, two of our main characters are now named after African countries and self-help organizations.

Remember back like an hour ago when Wil’s dying mother told him to find the druid? So, Al-Anon is the druid in question and he and Wil meet up. And, amazingly, Wil is like, “My father was a deadbeat drunk!” so perhaps Al-Anon will be of some help after all. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

OK, so Al-Anon is hot as hell and my fav male character so far. Out of everyone on this show, only he and Eritrea-not-the-country seem to know their shit. Speaking of: I love her so bad. Look at this cute, mercenary, thieving and gorgeous face.

SO. Are you keeping up so far? Because I still have no idea but the episode’s sort of building up to a sort of climax. The magic tree is dying and every time a leaf falls off, another evil demon emerges like we’re on Sailor Moon or something. This week’s monster of the week is Evil Khaleesi:

She’s a shapeshifter, who first impersonates Amberle to totally murder Sexy Ears, as OG Amberle saw in a vision earlier. You can tell it’s not really her because of the glowing evil eyes. Subtle direction here.

Post-murder, Not!Amberle throws down this amazing badass strut in her leather pants and metal peplum belt. 

FYI: her whole deal is she wants to kill all seven of the people who won the blindfolded parkour race (remember a thousand years ago, that happened?) But since Amberle ran off, she wasn’t killed. 

AND SO as we all knew would happen eventually, Wil and Amberle finally meet up so the final part of the love triangle can click into place. And because this is an MTV show, he runs into her while she’s taking a sensual waterfall shower.

Respect that this show provides gratuitous, bathing-related nudity of two genders.

The cliffhanger this week is that this flying demon thing comes chasing after our gang of heroes. Wil is like, “I’ll protect you!” even though we saw earlier he can barely ride a horse and has no usable skills and we’ve already seen Amberle knock out a dude with a sword. But, you do you, Wil.

This was an excellent cliffhanger for a number of reasons, primarily that we know the next episode will start with Amberle already wearing these leather and/or latex leggings and an insanely complex strapless top and I need to get a better look at both pieces.

Verdict? I am for sure going to watch the other two episodes that are already up on MTV.com. If they can keep up this pace and variety of nonstop crazypants fashion, we may just have to keep recapping this show.