You’d think that the powers that be would give these characters a week off of life-and-death melodrama for Christmas, but come on. This is The CW. Jane’s still hella pissed at Raf for his months-long lie of omission, Raf’s pissed at Jane for not thinking about his feelings, Rogelio’s pining after his lost bromance with Michael, and Petra’s busy being literally haunted by Totally Dead Ivan. Yeah, there are a few Christmassy happy moments, but it’s telling the final image is of Petra’s horrified face, not of the Villanueva family tableaux.
So, things kick off with Baby Mateo, the universe’s sweetest little elf, caught in yet another showdown between his warring parents. This scene pretty much sets the stage for the whole week: Jane yelling at somebody while wearing a summer outfit in the middle of December. Christmas in Florida is weird, you guys.
MY GOD THIS BABY ACTOR IS KILLING ME. I think I started ovulating just looking at his sweet cheeks.
Jane throws a jean jacket on top of her sweet belted dress to check in with her advisor, Future Love Interest and Magic Mike Star Adam Rodriguez and his sexy, sexy beard.
Rrrowrrrrr. Here’s hoping that since his arc just ended on Empire, I feel like we’ll be seeing him around these parts awhile longer.
Oh, sorry, I got distacted from showing you Jane’s Santa-to-school look. She’s channeling her rage yet again, at another completely appropriate target: that slimy dude who pretended to be her friend only to write an expose on the Solano fam.
For a woman who spends so much time at That One Department Store, she’s got a shockingly high number of designer handbags. As a fashion blogger, I have no problem with this.
Speaking of things I have no problems with? Jane gets to enjoy three fun dream sequences this week as she takes Hot Advisor Adam Rodriguez’s advice to try writing in different genres. First up? Action thriller!
Love it. This is like some PLL-goes-undercover steez with the practically day-glo pants. She’s working a hardcore Tatiana Maslany strut here that I’d like to see more often on this show.
And then! Jane meets Reign in this flowy number and 100 lbs. of extensions:
The fantasy sequence also brings us Fantasy Michael who looks… maybe less sexy then he’s meant to? Dude mostly looks cold out there in ye olde raine:
But of course it’s veerrrrry interesting that he shows up in her romance story. I thought she was moving on from this partiular love triangle (#TeamHotAdamRodriguez). Someone should tell her subconsicous to pick a new dream guy.
Finally, Jane has a fantasy about being a sister-wife in couples’ therapy with Raf:
Oh no, this was tragically not a fantasy sequence. For tragically misguided and inscrutible reasons, girlfriend showed up for their counselling appointment in full-on Duggar drag. She has never, not ever, worn tea-length before and now she bring it in a heavy denim? AND the My Little Pony braid? No wonder their counsellor is at a loss to help them out.
The fact that her parents are two of the all-time most diva-tastic divas to ever diva makes her fashion stumbles even more confusing. Rogelio is in a LAVENDER ROBE next to a LAVENDER PILLOW WITH HIS FACE ON IT across from a LAVENDER LEOPARD PRINT THROW PILOW. Xo is serving up lace-up sleeves in a shade of orange no human should be able to pull off and she is PULLING IT OFF.
Like, I’m not saying this picture is my new desktop background but it’s not NOT my new desktop background.
Like, girl here even has a matching phone case in his power color of lavender:
LUV. HIM. SO. MUCH.
On a show as preoccupied with parent-child strife as the Star Wars saga, it’s amazing it took until now to spend some time with Rafael’s mother. Who is… weirdly bland.
Like, Jane’s mother is Xo and Xo’s mother is Abuela and Petra’s mother has one eye and one hand and Luisa’s mother is a runaway gangster and Raf’s mother is… your standard issue Real Housewife? I mean she’s got to have some sort of deep dark, secret or else she just won’t fit in on this show. My best guess for now is that she’s secretly in a lesbian affair with Luisa’s mother.
Speaking of Petra’s terrifying sociopath of mother! The world’s most tragic housecleaning service are busy bleaching Ivan’s blood off of the tiles despite one of them being pregnant with twins and the other having only one hand:
Gah, poor little Petra-ella. Snaps for keeping that perfect curl even in her third trimester and while literally cleaning up her own crime scene.
After being haunted by the ghost of Dead Ivan, Petra decides to open up to someone other than her mother and tells Raf everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Her marriage to Milos, the grenade boat, the circumstances of Ivan’s death. Despite all the drama Rafael’s gone through, even he knows she’s been through way more than he has, and every cut back to his face is like:
OH ALSO: has anyone else noticed that Rafael looks basically exactly like a live-action version of Disney’s Aladdin? Because: HELLO.
If he’s not careful, Once Upon A Time will be stealing him to help pad out their already overstuffed line-up.
With Rafael’s support, Petra decides to turn her mother in to the police. Christmas miracle! But as ever, Cray One Hand is one step ahead and now Petra – pregnant with twins! – is taken off in handcuffs for Ivan’s murder.
… Merry Christmas?
Through all the drama, the Villanueva/De La Vega fam is close as ever for the holidays. Also? Abuela got her green card!! I’m sure I’m not the only one to tear up at that.
Feliz Navidad, you guys!! See you in the new year.