You guys, how can I even offer a “previously on Jane the Virgin” when any attempt would be compared with the breathless narration of the Latin Narrator? Suffice it to say, Luisa’s been kidnapped by persons unknown, Rafael just learned Petra’s knocked up, Michael’s on Sin Rostro’s trail, and Jane’s been a mother for all of three weeks.

 

We start out with the best-cast flashback acting since OITNB cast young Rosa. The woman playing Young Abuela looks simultaneously just like Original Recipe Abuela as well as like a crazy mix of Xo and Jane.

And we see that the lustrous waves (a bit more unkempt in this 70s flashback) clearly run in the family. Her pink print top is reminscent of the prints that Abuela wears these days, but with a 70s twist.

 

And Original Recipe Mateo, aka Abuela’s One True Love? SO DREEEEAMY in a 70s sort of way.

Like OMG you guys. No wonder Abuela’s been in mourning for forty years: this is one good-looking, and also really stand-up and sweet, dude. Even the wide-collar polyester shirt doesn’t distract.

Knowing this show, you know he’s going to come back from the dead at some point, though, right? It’ll turn out he’s been in witness protection or something?

 

And we’ve seen her before, but the Teen Xo actress is so uncannily like Adult Xo it’s amazing. Like if you said this was a Benjamin Button SFX situation and Andrea Navedo was really acting out these scenes, I’d buy it.

 

The reason for all these flashbacks? Everyone’s preparing for Baby Mateo’s baptism, which brings up the moving speech Abuela wrote that became an instant tradition for christenings. In fact, the written word plays a big role this week, as Jane is notified via snail mail she’s been accepted into grad school:

This isn’t Mindy-and-Leo level Mom and Baby matching, but they look so sweet together. Mateo’s little gray pants complement Jane’s grey stripey shorts (shortswatch: one pair so far), and the subtle grey print on her cami also matches with him. OK, this is at least Mindy-momwear-adjacent.

 

And Jane’s mother is also matching the rest of the fam, in this drapey top. Not sure what the weather’s like for Jane to be in a tank and shorts, and Xo all covered up, though? I guess fashion knows no weather.

 

Oh, and mom-to-be Petra is off negotiating with her and Jane’s shared babydaddy. Blue dress = stunning. Blue belt on the blue dress = next level stunning. Models of the female reproductive system covering this medical office? A little distracting.

Rafael serving up his standard issue shrink-wrapped stretch suit.

Oh, and you know Petra’s serving up her unbelievable facial expressions:

Mm hmm.

 

At the baptism rehearsal, Jane throws one a comfy dress in her trademark embellished white print. Honestly, I dig the way her look is slouchy casual yet super fab and stylish all at once—and just three weeks post-childbirth! 

I think what elevates her look every week is the flaw free shiny waves. That hair is a small miracle unto itself.

 

Meanwhile in the older demographic, Xo and Ro’s tentative reconnection is threatened when he has to hire his ex-wife Luciana for his show. And damn if Luciana doesn’t get the best show entrance ever:

“Hold this dog for me darling, I’ve got a heart to smash.”

 

Luciana is serving bitchface for days, honey. This isn’t even her costume for the show, this is just how she dresses on the regular.

The asymetrical neckline? The sideswept hair? I LIVE. She’s like Tammy 2 to Rogelio’s Ron Swanson, so this kiss—while ostensibly rehearsal for the show—was inevitable.

Love that they throw that telenovela backdrop behind them. I was surprised there wasn’t a wind machine running.

 

Also running? Out the door that is (see what I did there) is Xo.

Not gonna lie, I’m handing this round to Luciana. The bedazzled sundress is on brand for Xo, but can’t compare. Even wih that sweet chunky bracelet and killer hoop earrings.

 

Xo vs Luciana is really just Jane vs Petra plus 16 years or so, right? The contrast between Jane and Petra comes across during this scene with Jane in another breastfeeding-friendly button-down and Petra in ice queen white:

And Rafael in basically a spandex shirt. Nothing wrong with that: boyfriend’s got a signature style and it works for him.

 

Petra’s look, by the way, nearly blends in with the mural behind her desk which: have we seen this before? How did I not notice she’s got a killer pitbull behind her head 24/7? #subtext

I love this neckline and the seaming on the front give it a sort of dressy swimsuit vibe, which works for Miami. The bracelet is also fab. This fashion round goes to Petra… ooooh, the evil blondes both took round one.

 

But Jane steals the show at Mateo’s baptism. This fountain half-updo combined with a masterfully tailored fit-and flare is one of her best looks, maybe ever. First a close-up of the ‘do and the subtle textured print of the dress:

 

And now a look at the amazing fit of the dress (and Xo’s mother-of-the-mother cocktail dress):

Gah, I’m always a sucker for a good 3/4 sleeve. This is Lucy Ricardo realness and I am here for it.

 

Xo’s dress shows off her fab legs which: who can blame her, and the crochet cutouts on the sleeves add some visual interest. Def a step up from the bedazzled number from before.

Abuela serving up Helen Mirren gorgeous in that zipped top. I love that her costumes get just as much attention as Jane’s and Xo’s.

 

Flashback Abuela and Adult Mateo!

Shiny curls, white printed flowy top, glossy curls… this is clearly a Villanueva woman. Adult Mateo is slaying me in his three piece suit. I feel like Xo got her flashy style from his side of the fam.

 

Anyway, the baptism is lovely, Baby Mateo is his well-behaved-TV-baby-self, and in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it inside joke, Lina is doing a full-on Madonna “Like a Prayer” cosplay:

DY. ING. DYING. So great.

 

But this wouldn’t be an episode of Jane the Virgin if all hell didn’t break loose with a wild cliffhanger in the last five minutes. This week we get three WTF amazing moments.

1) Luisa’s kidnapper isn’t Rose, it’s someone trying to get Rose’s attention, and they aren’t afraid to hurt her.

Her hair is still fabulous considering she’s being kept in a cell and away from her Honest Company shine spray. Baby Mateo’s got good hair genes coming from both sides.

 

2) Jane and Rafael accidentally share a passionate kiss:

 

… which is captured in a photo by Petra and her weird floppy pillowcase dress:

 

3) And, in the biggest and most literal cliffhanger, Luciana blackmails Rogelio to get the role on his show.

What’s on that tablet? The obvious thing would be an embarrassing sex tape, but I’m guessing it’s something more like an embarrassing audition for The Real World: Miami or something. What else would Rogelio have been up to in June 2001??

 

I said literal cliffhanger and I meant it, actually literally:

“Nooooooooo!”

 

As per ever, can’t wait to see how this all shakes out next week. If only this aired daily, in true telenovela style.

 

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