Hun, you better dig three graves because I’m dead after this finale. After years of red Sharpies, galas, secrets, lies, voluminous hair, cable knits, plotting balconies, international conspiracies, and a town that appears to give arson a pass, we’ve finally closed the double infinity loop on Revenge(!!!). Did everyone get their just desserts? Did anyone eat as much dessert (i.e. drink all the TV wine) as me watching this episode? Did more characters survive the Moldavian Massacre in Dynasty than four season with Amandily Tharke? If you were born after 1986 you won’t get that reference and if you have taste, you’ll tell me stop portmanteauing.

 

Goodbye, Miss Magnolia

Louise, I wish we had spent more time together because you were as perky as a Georgia peach during the Blue Moon harvest. It’s a shame after slaying the children with your mod take on the Stepford Wife you were dressed like a grieving caballero for this entire episode. Poor thing — even as an honourary Grayson, you still got the Mommie Dearest treatment from Queen V. Maybe it was that awful embroidery on your shoulders giving you confidence, but at least you confronted Victoria instead of running away like her other kids. Although straight up delivering her to a woman holding a loaded gun and hell-bent on Revenge(!!!) seems cold af. 

 

Au revoir, Mme “Hired Guns Are My Life”

Honestly. For introducing herself as a tough media lady with a soft heart, Margaux showed the most Revenge(!!!) potential. Not only did she wrest her family’s empire away from her father and brother (by having the latter snatched up and deported for drug possession), but she went Melrose Place crazy jumping in front of taxis and hiring hitmen to wipe people out. I knew French people were emotional but lordy! Margaux always gave me geometry realness and wasn’t afraid of mixing colours. That said, I can’t say I’m into this blue/black swirly number. It cuts her body shape in awkward places and is trying too hard to make a statement. Flop. 

 

Now this may be a simple look but that parallelogram keyhole is over the top. This is how you go from the funeral parlour to the hotel lobby for a cheeky cocktail, then to the club to live out loud. With those roots subtly coming through, I’m getting a black and gold fantasy and I ain’t mad at it. 

 

Paging Mr. Dickies

Well, Jack… you tried. 

 

Worth Her Weight in White Gold

Oh queen, I think I’m going to miss you most of all. Sure, White Gold wasn’t with us long, but when you’re played by Courtney Love, it’ll never be enough to satisfy the thirst. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen similar looks on friends of mine, but I’m getting full drag queen from this outfit and y’all shouldn’t be surprised because she bring it to you every ball. The signature gold chains are on point, the dress pattern is almost campy and her flirting tactic of needing a shot before bed actually made me squeal. Like, “eeeeeeeeeeeee she did nooooooooooot”. If the knife she used to nail Nolan’s hand to the bar had been gold, the could have stopped the episode right there – unfortunately, we had to hear Nolan’s chemistry pun before he levelled White Gold with 10K volts.

 

Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson

Speaking of Nolan’s pun, girlfriend was FULL of ‘em this week. I don’t know if they were trying to make up for misusing Nolan’s sass potential over 4 years but bless ‘em, they went for it. The only thing I objected to was him using the word “hoosegow” for prison because: a) it’s not 1930, nor will it ever be again and b) I think it’s funnier when people call it “the pokey”. Executive Producer, John Terlesky, you’re lucky your name was overlaid on these coral pants and floral shirt because I’d be as basic as an Iggy Azelea fan if I didn’t include this screenshot. LET THE CHURCH SAY AMEN, BROTHER NOLAN! YOU ARE BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVOURED. 

 

Y’all only saw this for a second but through the magic of basic Photoshop skills, I lightened up this frame because Nolan’s t-shirt caught my eye. If you look closely, I believe you’ll see him wearing his t-shirt with his own mugshot which, in case you were wondering, is a STRAIGHT UP DIVA MOVE, BITCH. Bow to your queen.

 

I thought over the entire series, I’d seen every print imaginable on Nolan Ross’ wiry frame, but they Vanessa Williams’d me and saved the best for last. It’s giving me “Cape Cod beach house wallpaper” meets “Pier 1 Imports clearance shelf” and I’m loving every stitch. This also the shirt Nolan wears when he drop his best Oda Mae Brown and slays, “Emily, you in danger, girl.” 

 

Drop a House On Her, She’s Done

Victoria’s kind of like glitter during Pride Week — you love it in the moment, think it could easily fit into your everyday, realize cleaning up afterward is so not worth it, and finally accept that it’ll never go away no matter how hard you scrub, vacuum, cry, etc. Seeing her decked out in her Carhartt finest and hard hat was perhaps the best “gurlllllll no” moment of the episode. It’s written all over that mug. 

 

Did you get your invite to the wig party? I did not receive my invite to the wig party and therefore was not prepared with my own wig. Hopefully I’ll receive more notice before the next wig party. 

 

In a rushed flashback to explain how Victoria nabbed a corpse that passed for her during the autopsy (normal sentence), we see her visit her expiring mother in the hospital. They reveal one more family secret and it’s on Appalachian mountain folk levels; totally get why Victoria turned out the way she did. In the body con countdown, this merlot hue with the lace cutouts isn’t my favourite — seems too “Tipsy Secretary at the Christmas Party” — but totally appropriate for a hospital visit.

 

And now, the Revenger of the Hour

Emily, we hit just about every yard of fabric you wore in our series roundtable last week, but let’s dive back into your tasteful yet functional wardrobe. Now this billowy napkin I could see as a nice curtain in a backlit, gauzy 80s love scene, but it also works as a blouse. No movement restrictions for plenty of kung fu and stabbing motions. I almost choked on my TV wine when Emily realized Victoria used her mother’s body in the explosion. Like, she actually scrunched her face and said “ew” as if that, that was the limit. The worst. The straw that finally nailed the coffin’s back. After 4 seasons of sociopathic eleganza, that finally made Emily think, “this hooker’s gone girl”. 

 

Shout out to Velma Dinkley for leaving Scooby and the Gang behind while she helped Emily mop some records from the dentist who’s conveniently closed on the exact day she escapes a maximum security prison to exact her Revenge(!!!) finale. 

 

Of course, Victoria’s wearing white during their showdown. OF COURSE. 

 

I mean, I get that Emily can’t be some Revenging Angel swathed in white but trying to do some sort of abstract “good v. evil” role reversal by playing with colour is weak. On top of the drippy speech Victoria lays out, I was just about done — until that gunshot from David Clarke changed the game. I should have expected it, but I didn’t. 

 

FLASH FORWARD MINI RECAP

Victoria shoots Emily, dies. David gets Emily to a hospital; she lives. David gets “compassionate release” from prison after killing Victoria, dies. Nautical themed knits prevail. Even though the whole show was about clearing her dad’s name and whatnot, I liked the finality of this storyline. It’s sad sure, but double infinity doesn’t exist, kids. Heavy note to take. 

 

Now let’s have a wedding!

Naturally, Nolan escorts Emily down the aisle, much like he’s escorted her on this totally normal, blood soaked journey of Revenge(!!!). I know he’s a good person because he didn’t try to upstage the bride in the wardrobe department even though he could have snatched 10s. Also, the fellow in the glasses: Dan Levy or a former Nolan tryst? I can’t put my finger on it (and I would if I could). 

 

Y’all have to give it to these kids for injecting some fairy tale elements into a love story that started out Disney and ended Grimm. I’m loving the flower wall and Emily’s woodland princess dress. Louise is actually serving your chartreuse and making it happen. Charlotte, true to form, is blending seamlessly into the background and Jack is walking as tall as he can which is shame because I like ‘em short.

 

 

A new Sammy for a new life? C’mon Puppy Love! This is the real First Family of Montauk. 

 

So we end our tale with the only fitting outcome: Emily and Jack sail into a J.Crew summer ad campaign and live happily ever after, aside from the crippling PTSD and persistent nightmares/survivor guilt. Cheers to you and a lifetime worth of emotional baggage.

I have to say, the finale gives me an 83 on closure but there’s still some questions left like what actually happened to Margaux? How is Louise still hanging out with these people when she had an easy out after putting Victoria in the ground? Who’s watching Sammy while the other two are sailing? Actually, who’s watching Carl? Jack’s mom, still? And how did that line from Charlotte about Emily’s new heart actually make it past editing? Y’know the, “She can never know where it came from. Or rather…who.” Charlotte has all the gravitas of a Denny’s Grand Slam — who let that slide?

 

For now, I’ll retire my TV wine until we stumble across another soapy dramedy about rich folks. Or I’ll start some Dynasty recaps. Either way, cheers my friends. *hugs you closely* *glares over the shoulder*