This week’s Reign found our hot teen royals busy forming alliances, backstabbing and being backstabbed upon, cutting off other peoples’ hands, hooking up, fleeing, and/or engaging in sexy Pagan blood rituals. Just another Thursday night on The CW. In events ever-so-slightly-drawn from actual history, Condé begins his siege upon the castle. His first move is to totally announce he’s going to siege the castle, which gives our hot teens time to escape and/or outmaneuver him. Strategic genius, our boy is not. While King Francis would last about three seconds on Game of Thrones, here he’s the only person thinking quasi-rationally and he’s able to keep a few steps ahead of his cousin. Related: Francis is also the only main character not hook up with anyone in the last few weeks. Is this how he’s the only one thinking reasonably? Hmmm…

 

WTF #5: Ladies still in waiting for better plotlines

Greer, the best character on this (or any) show, only shows up for about three seconds pre-siege. While out getting groceries for her brothel, she runs into Leith. As one always hopes when running into ones’ recent ex, she looks completely amazing in this Red Riding Hood inspired look, complete with cute basket and about 12lbs. more extensions than usual.

Seriously, this is the most voluminous ponytail in this episode, and this episode includes a visit from a literal horse.

 

Leith is all snippy like, “How’s your business? Do you at all regret turning me down in favor of your wildly successful entrepreneurial career?”

 

And Greer gives him the best look, like, “Oh, bless.” Because of course she and her brothel are both doing amazing, thankyouverymuch.

All the women who independent throw your hands up at me!

 

Meanwhile, Claude tries to distract us all from her lack of purpose on this show by being adorable.

She really is the prettiest pony princess.

 

While in town, Miss Claude apparently picks up this amazingly not-pink coat, which is the first time she hasn’t been in pink or naked in some weeks. However, the cutouts in this coat make it perhaps not the best choice for the unending winter on this show.

 

Does anybody else feel a sort of Westley/Buttercup vibe off of these two? She’s all “Farm Boy! Take me to town! I want to go shopping!” and he’s all, “As you wish.”

Also, when they ran into the maybe-demon in the Clarissa Tunnels, it sort of had a Fire Swamp/ROUS vibe.

Speaking of the Clarissa Tunnels, Olivia’s not still wandering through there is she, right? She went in there during the season one siege, but like… she came out again, didn’t she? OH WAIT yeah, she came back and was the sex slave for The Darkness then almost ran off with Nostro except not. I think?

 

ANYWAY, Kenna’s busy living out her old hallway hookup fantasies with her new piece, Captain Ginger.

NOM.

 

Apparently Ginger has Narcisse-level bedroom skills as Kenna’s basically skipping around grinning all episode. Also telling: she’s too busy hooking up to put on anything fancier than this glittery alice band.

Somebody may need to break it to her that getting an annulment in 16th century France is not the same as getting a divorce in 21st century America. i.e. Henry VIII had to break his country from Catholicism and start a war just to get an annulment and dude was the King. So like…she and Bash are likely going to stay married for quite awhile.

 

This all becomes a moot point when she learns that her new crush has switched to #TeamCondé, so there are no wedding bells in their future.

“Say whaaaa?”

 

Meanwhile, Lola’s like, “Who is this baby and why do I have to hold him? I thought my plotline was mainly just taking baths and/or bribing maids to take baths disguised as me.”

Oh girl, don’t worry. You’ll get a bit more to do later on in the episode.

 

WTF #4: The “Battle” scene

Look, I know this isn’t HBO or AMC and they can’t afford the fields of human or even CGI extras you’ll get on Outlander or The Walking Dead. But with that in mind, is it really the best idea to show actual battles? Couldn’t we just get people explaining them to us after the fact? Because, on their budget, we get things like this:

Representing the entire country of France, these three archers!

 

Oh noes! Will they ever be able to defend this single wall of castle from these six rope climbing dudes??

 

Such drama! Such tension! And, considering Condé’s entire plan is to kill Francis and take over the country, does it make sense for Francis to be strutting around, with no armor? But I guess it’s necessary since he’s the only bitch to see a hand…

… And know enough to cut it off.

 

His half-brother comes strutting in, channeling his best Daryl Dixon as he literally slays his way through Condé’s men.  

Forget armor! Sex appeal is all you need to repel arrows and swords.

 

This whole scenario is apparently safe enough that Mary and Kenna are able to cheer on from the balcony. Wasn’t Mary just being sent out of the country for safety? And yet it’s cool for her to tailgate ten feet above an actual battle?

Of course, thankfully they’re there so Kenna can helpfully yell out, “Bash, behind you!” because there are so few people actually fighting that he can hear her perfectly and react accordingly.

 

WTF #3: Titus Andronicus’d!!

So, Cathy continues to be the last person anyone wants to be in a love triangle with/the first person you want to fall in love with you.

Here she is, in what we can only assume is one of her dead husband’s old furs tailored to fit her teeny frame as she presents Narcisse with a surprise gift.

 

A threeway with a horse! Pony play! Narcisse’s fav horse!

Hahahahahahaha. Because of course Narcisse’s horse would show up like Christian Grey’s most faithful steed. That is some kinky bridle action going on there.

 

The missing component in this love triangle is that Narcisse and Cathy together have all the fiery hot chemistry of your parents. Here’s the chaste thank-you kiss for the horse.

“Thanks dear. Pick up some horse litter on your way home?” “Don’t forget your heart medication, dear.”

 

Despite his Cathy hook-up, Narcisse rushes to Lola’s side when he learns the castle is under siege. As you might expect, it’s taking so long for her to pack up all of her maroon dresses that she hasn’t actually fled yet.

She’s all, “First you ask me to bathe for you, then you leak my nudes around the court, then you turn me down when I’m high, and now you’re pledging your love for me? Make up your mind, dude.”

 

And he does. NOM.

 

But ruh-roh! Cathy’s spies are everywhere! These two are idiots! Because OF COURSE CATHY’S SPIES ARE EVERYWHERE THAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING SPIES.

#FlyingSquad 

 

When the dude you like is caught macking on your son’s teenage babymama, what do you do, if you’re an evil genius? If you said poison his food, you’re close, but that’s not quite it. No, Cathy serves him up a VERY SPECIAL MEAL:

You knew something was up because we never usually see people slice their meat, let alone actually put it in their mouths.

 

Surprise! That meat was the horse from earlier who Narcisse loves so much!

Cheers! Seriously, this is some next-level, Fatal Attraction/Titus Andronicus level revenge. But she doesn’t break up with him… she just puts on him on notice. LOVE ME OR ELSE.

 

Then Narcisse is like, “Yes I know last episode I said your cunning is what I love best about you, but that’s just when you poison other people. Not me!”

Meh, the way people forget plot ploints and murders on this show, I’m sure these two will be like, married by next week.

 

WTF #2: Teenage Pagan Sex Dream

So apparently in the weeks between last week’s episode and this one, Bash and Delphine the woodland fairy have become a thing. And also apparently, wood shavings are an important part of her woodland pagan medicinal practice.

Didn’t she used to live with the nuns? Or was that all just a red herring?

 

In a shot that mirrors his wife hook-up earlier in the episode, Bash and Delphine can’t contain themselves between the trees.

NOM.

 

Bash then gets the totally not misguided idea to bring his woodland mistress to court to take over Nostro’s old job of being mystical, giving vague/incorrect predictions, and creeping everybody out. She gets a head start on that final point as, when she meets Kenna she’s so enthusiastic I was assuming the next scene would be a threesome with some blood sacrifice.

Sadly, it was not.

 

Dephine then tells Bash she’s had a vision of their future children, which totally doesn’t freak him out whatsoever.

 

And then Delphine… secretly smells Bash’s old bloody blouse?

 

And then sexily irons it before seducing this servant boy?

 

And then has sex with him and he turns into Bash and starts talking Pagan (which is apparently a language now) and then she pours wine on herself…?

… and then there are two Delphines? I think? So she’s kind of having a four-way with… herself? Yeah, girlfriend’s going to fit in just fine at French court.

 

WTF #1: Queen Mary, Quite Contrary

Oh, Queen Mary, what are we going to do with you? Your decision making skills have devolved this season from “questionable” to “actively guaranteeing her own death and that of literally every other person on this show.” Aaaaand I’m pretty sure this crown is just an upside-down necklace. Aaaaand that dress is bringing some figure skating costume realness. So.

It’s a strange state of affairs to have the main character of your show be so completely misguided and incorrect about everything. Girlfriend is still like, “But Condé’s not vindictive! Why would he be out to get you, Francis? He’s just misunderstood! Plz don’t kill him! I’m against the death penalty, especially for people who are actively trying to kill you!”

 

Accordingly, Francis spends the entire episode cleaning up her messes, while looking at her like:

“OMG #thisbitch”

 

“Bitch, please.”

 

“Stop. Talking.”

 

“Are you f*cking kidding me with this shit OMG.”

 

It also doesn’t help the suspense for his enemy to be Prince “Smell The Fart” Condé, who displays his full set of facial expressions, including:

“Oh hey, just here to take over your country.”

 

“Blackmailing you to obey me.”

 

“Hulk SMASH!!”

OK time-out. I do not understand boyfriend’s plan at all. Like, he wants to take over France to seal his relationship with Elizabeth, but he also wants to marry Mary and have her convert to Protestantism. I’m pretty sure that’s…not what Elizabeth actually told him to do. It’s a mess. His whole plan is a mess. This siege is a mess.

 

And, while I’m no fan the “old dudes talking strategy” scenes on Game of Thrones, this show veers a bit too far in the other direction as the fate of France’s defenses falls upon this quartet of sex-crazed teens.

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Like, maybe it’s time for Francis to get an actual, I don’t know…advisor? Perhaps someone over age 18? Ideally with a beard? At the very least, he needs a room to sit in, so everything important doesn’t have to happen in this one corridor like we’re in Rosewood High.

 

Mary throws on another 1980s figure skating dress to get yelled at some more by Francis and his fam. She totally deserves it too. When Claude’s like, “This is all your fault!” nobody can deny that.

Her shoulder pads seem to get bigger the more backed into a corner she gets. Sort of like a porcupine sticking out its quills to protect itself.

  

And then in what I can only hope is her finally doing something useful for once, Mary runs off to Condé and proclaims that a) she luuurves him and b) she’s totes pregz!!

 

“Say whaaaaaa…”

 

“No seriously, whaaaaa?”

 

And Mary’s like, “I am literally having your baby and you are the father, Condé.”

 

“… Whaaaaaaa?”

OK, MARY HAD BETTER BE LYING and this is all a plan to take Condé down, because I have NO TIME FOR ANY MORE MARY/CONDÉ NONSENSE. Anybody with two eyes and access to Wikipedia can see that Francis is clearly the better bet in this scenario.

 

In any case, with next week’s alleged debut of this show’s version of Queen Liz I, the Renaissance shit’s clearly about to hit the 16th century fan.