My children. I have come before you to speak the truth to you: there is nothing bad I can say about this week’s episode of Revenge (!!!), for this was the week in which Courtney Love stabbed a man in the back. “But Constance!” you say. “This was the show’s penultimate episode and there was barely any good fashion at all!” Shh, child. A man crumpled to the floor and Courtney Love was standing behind him holding a bloody knife. “But the main character spent almost the whole episode in an orange jumpsuit, and hello, I’m not trying to watch Orange is the New—” Hush. Courtney Love’s character is named White Gold, and she is a notorious assassin of the Hamptons. “Emily’s hair was flat, Louise’s mourning dress had shoulder fringe, no one cares about David’s lymphoma, and we spent half the episode with Ben the Human Nyquil.” All of this may be true, yet what can I do? Courtney Love wears exclusively white gold, and she hates Jersey. And because the show has given this to me, I can say nothing against it.
Nothing Goes with an Ankle Monitor
So Emily’s stuck in prison and she is not thrilled about it.
Between this and Pretty Little Liars, if there’s one thing we’ve learned this season it’s that orange jumpsuits do nothing for blondes. Anyway, we can only assume that Emily’s lawyer is blackmailing the judge with secret nude selfies, because he basically goes, “Oh, you want me to let this billionaire self-declared ninja out on bail? Seems legit.”
And obviously as soon as Emily’s out on house arrest she breaks free.
She does not have time for her impeccable Hamptons wear this week—just a functional Revenge Ninja outfit of skinnies and a black sweater. Boring, sure, but cut her some slack: ankle bracelets are murder to accessorize with.
Nolan’s subdued this week, too. In deference to the solemnity of Em’s arraignment hearing, he’s wearing probably the most conservative suit in his closet.
Just a plain ol’ navy, although obvs it’s impeccably tailored. And the boy can’t resist a playful pattern on his shirt, but I mean, he’s not a nun.
Emily tracks Mason to his old trailer park, where he has the world’s most hilariously opulent trailer. Get those embroidered throw pillows and linen drapes! He also has champagne chilling at all times. If I ever have to go on the run in Revenge-verse, I’m totally getting Mason to organize my escape.
Mason’s neighbors tell Emily that he’s been hanging out with a woman, and as soon as they say “regal” and “good skin,” Emily’s all, “Son of a bitch, Victoria’s still alive.”
Which we really should have realized when we saw her pseuicide outfit.
Victoria Grayson, kill herself in a dress in which she has already been photographed? Never.
Fifty Shades of Black
Speaking of Victoria’s closet! Louise feels that it’s important to her mourning process that she have the chance to go through it and sniff respectfully handle all of Victoria’s clothes in a totally non-creepy fashion. But horror of horrors, she’s been locked out!
She and Margaux are in mourning black all episode, but they both pulled out their best dresses early. Louise’s black lace is delicate and tasteful without going full-on Victorian widow, and Margaux’s black sheath with white accents is chic and respectful.
Margaux puts Louise in touch with the executor of Victoria’s estate, who turns out to be our old pal Charlotte. Raise your hand if you totally forgot she was ever on the show. As per usual, Charlotte looks lovely in her floaty little frock and as per usual, she is the worst. Although I can’t really blame her for refusing to mourn Victoria—as the girl points out, she already did that last time Victoria faked her own death.
Louise is appalled that Charlotte could be so unfeeling about her own mother’s death, because as the current most easily manipulated person on this show (RIP Daniel), she is still convinced that Victoria is a saint. But at least she looks fabulous while she lets everyone mold her mind like Play-Doh! I love a gray wool sheath on a redhead. There are those who would say that I love them too much, as there are currently three wool sheaths in this redhead’s closet, but that is insane; I love them exactly the perfect amount.
Louise terrifies Charlotte with her crazy enough that Charlotte agrees to let her in to Victoria’s penthouse, where she tearfully begins sorting through Victoria’s five million bodycon dresses. “Oh, I remember this green bandage dress. And here’s the black bandage dress! And ah, the royal blue bandage dress—oh, the memories!”
As for why Louise has chosen to let her tasteful black mourning dress be augmented with bizarre and hideous shoulder fringe as she does this? That’s between her and her god.
And her ex, who she finds trying to break into Victoria’s penthouse in his best sleuthing clothes.
Outfit of the week right here. Look how the black of the sleeves matches the black of the pattern on his trousers! This is how we do the Hardy Boys in the Hamptons, boys and girls.
Diamonds Are Not a Girl’s Best Friend
Meanwhile, Nolan and Jack determine that Margaux must have been in on the whole plot, so they have her framed for diamond theft. As one does.
Poor Margaux. She’ll be the chicest inmate in jail—and the black and white stripes are thematically appropriate, too!
Emily breaks into Margaux’s cell and makes this dramatic speech about how her years of revenge ninja training prepared her for this, but personally I think juvie seems like a better place to learn how to make a weapon out of batteries and a sock?
And the second Emily threatens Margaux’s flawless cheekbones, Margaux is ready to tell her everything she knows. This is why Victoria should have the occasional non-socialite inducted into her inner circle—they’re less likely to prioritize their photogenic faces over loyalty to the scheme.
The Single Greatest Moment of this Show or Any Other
After she beats the truth out of Margaux, Emily goes straight to Ben. Shockingly he fails to consider “this thing I mysteriously learned while locked up in jail” admissible evidence. But when Louise comes to him with the black hoodie she found hidden in Victoria’s closet, he has no choice but to follow up on Emily’s lead. Because there is only one black hoodie in any given city at any given time.
Victoria is alive! And wearing a fabulous silk robe, because what else do you wear when you’re Victoria Grayson on the run from your arch nemesis?
But even Victoria Grayson has to play second fiddle to what happens next, in the moment that single-handedly justifies every single boring moment that Ben has been onscreen in this entire show.
Ben crumples dead to the floor, revealing behind him . . .
COURTNEY LOVE, AKA WHITE GOLD, NOTORIOUS ASSASSIN OF THE HAMPTONS.
We can all go home now, we’re done. TV has reached its pinnacle and will never get any better than this.
I mean, until we see what Courtney Love/White Gold has in store for us next week in the series finale. Come back and join us, okay, dolls? It will be the Red Sharpie of all Red Sharpies.