This week, dental records confirm Queen V is gone, but was it murder most foul? Or was it a very elaborate revenge by suicide that blew up Victoria Grayson? As this happened on a little show called Revenge (!!!) the obvious answer is that yes, it was absolutely a plot to bring Emily down through suicide with the help of Mason Treadwell and some DNA evidence. A bit dramatic and a bit of a scorched earth policy, but the show is coming to an end so why not go out with a bang? Add a little conflict of interest and the return of Jack and it’s bizness as usual in the Hamps.  And because no one can ever be happy in the Hamptons, David Clarke has cancer and Nolan’s shot at a relationship with a balanced and not evil man is dashed by (of all things) an adoption. 

 

Scorched Earth Revenge Plots

Since Emily became Amanda again, she’s really off her A-game. I mean, the Emily of season one would never have fallen for any of these tricks. In fact, she would have orchestrated the whole revenge (!!!) by apparent suicide, someone else would have gone to jail, and she’d do a slow walk away from the burning building set to the latest Florence + The Machine jam.

Not so much anymore.

 

Now our girl’s all, “Welp, I guess that was a suicide. Too bad.” and sits back in a classic camel coloured blazer and white blouse to figure out her insurance policy. 

 

And when the police call her in for questioning, she’s all, “Okay, ex-boyfriend/complete conflict of interest, actually I do have an alibi. It’s this guy who everyone thinks is dead. Let me call him.” That is like Revenge for Beginners! Revenge 101! False identities! Pretending to be dead! Please, girl. I can’t believe you fell for the oldest tricks in the book. Revenge Sensei would be so disappointed. At least your blouse game is on point. 

The soft colours paired with the tailored white blazer (is that a Smythe jacket? I feel like it’s got the construction of Smythe) is a really good choice for being questioned by the police about a murder. Also snaps for coordinating the clothes with the phone.

 

But I mean, come on! Even I spotted Mason’s hanky as he opened the door. 

How did she not see this? She is clearly blinded by her own success as a Revenge Master.

 

Even the DOJ isn’t feeling these secrets.

She’s all, “where did you dig up this plot? And how did you not see it coming from a mile away?

 

It should not have taken a Snapchat suicide letter to explain this to you, Emily. 

Get your shit together, girl, and fast. 

 

The Nolan Ross School of Wearing Bold Patterns

I was a little concerned that playing house with the nice new boyfriend was causing Nolan to lose his edge. A plain white tee?

Does he not have a collection of elaborately patterned silk robes? I am sure we’ve seen them all before.

 

But I guess the new boyfriend made him feel like a more subdued look was in order.

I’m torn. They’re so happy! 

But so bland! 

 

Of course, Nolan couldn’t really just hang out in plain t-shirts all day. He must have been borrowing one from the boyfriend because when Emily’s bat signal went off, this is what he wore to the seen of the blast.

All is right in the world. A tailored denim blazer? I had no idea that could look so good and not remind me of Justin Timberlake’s denim tuxedo from his Britney days. Better yet, it’s paired with that wonderfully patterned shirt.

 

And, just in case you were wondering how to dress down that kind of pattern, Nolan suggests a navy pullover. 

Perfection. It’s a pattern that can be worn at just about any daytime occasion  party planning, a casual gossip sesh, or discussing how your BFF’s house blew up with her arch-enemy inside. 

 

That shirt is not alone in its grandeur this week. Oh no, there are bigger, better patterns to be had. 

Bam! Now that is a pattern.

 

And for tropical drinks with your beau? Just add a jacket and a coordinating pocket square.

Voila! Great for a casual day at home or the club.

 

Sadly, he’ll probably never wear it again because it will remind him of how his very nice man friend left him to be a single dad. 

So long, stable, reliable man friend in the David Clarke cast-off safari shirt#! We hardly knew ye! 

 

#TeamVictoria

Meanwhile in Manhattan, two of the best dresses of the episode are hanging around, worried about Victoria’s wherabouts. 

I mean, best dressed. But for reals. Those dresses are magnificent. The only thing better than Margaux’s big rose print sheath?

That hair! 

Someone cast this girl as a 1920s starlet! As a Daisy in a Made-for-TV version of Gatsby! The hair is so good, as is the dark lip.

Let’s get a better look at those waves as Louise breaks down over the death of Victoria.

Magnifique as always.

 

Of course, Margaux is terribly practical about the whole suicide, and opts for a gorgeous black lace mock turtleneck as she mourns the loss of Victoria over wine.

 

Meanwhile, Louise is all “I know from crazy and crazy doesn’t book a mani-pedi a week after their suicide.” No, Louise, crazy does not. But vengeful does. And vengeful makes sure to have a minion like you on its side to cause a scene. 

At least you had your colours done and chose that dress to make a scene at the club.

I’m not convinced by the dress itself, but you my dear are clearly an Autumn. 

 

Now that everyone is starting to think it’s murder, Margaux plots something that will not amount to anything, as per every plan she’s ever concocted in her brief tenure as villainess. 

A front page story and a reward? She really should leave the plotting and revenging up to the professionals. 

 

California Dreamin’ 

Jack finally made the sensible decision to leave the Hamptons for good and start a new life in a place far, far away from all the revenging and back stabbing and house blowing up. Everything seems perfect Casa Stevie.

 

He’s got his kid that even he forgot he had for awhile. He’s got his birth mom he only met last year.

Looking good Stevie, looking good. The sunshine and the lack of Victoria and Conrad do wonders for you.

 

All is right in the world of Jack and we get rewarded with this.

Gratuitous Male Shirtlessness.

You know what? Since no one can be happy on this show and we’ll lose this forever, let’s take a second look shall we? 

Yeah, I’ll just leave that right there for you. 

 

Even with a cover up, Jack is making sure you get a peek at the pecs. 

 

But, as Jack rightly pointed out, if you disappear on the night your mortal enemy is exploded, the cops will be suspicious. So it’s back to boring, dull shirts. 

Damn. Even we can’t be happy. 

 

Two episodes left until this show gets its own final Red Sharpie, you guys! How many more patterns can they cram onto Nolan’s torso? How many more amazing ways can Margaux style her hair? Will we get one final Emily ninja action sequence?? Two episodes left!!