By now, I think we’re all used to the crazy ping-pong of genres this show goes through. Last week was a supernatural episode featuring a magic-nun-saves-Francis scenario, so this week we’re due for a political episode that’s all about marshalling armies or whatever. But of course, this is still Reign, which means between debates about armies we get our regular allotment of crazypants WTF-ery. And this week, we may have just seen the show’s biggest liberty to date with actual history. Which is really saying something coming from the show that brought us Sexy Pagans, The Darkness, the miracle nun, and of course the gone but not forgotten Clarissa and her burlap bag face.

 

WTF #5: Greer’s Pop-Up Brothel

So, this week’s show picks up “a few weeks” after last week, which means that Francis is back to fighting form, it’s still mysteriously winter, and Greer’s had the time to upgrade from her former digs to this new amazing bordello. LOOK AT HOW AMAZING THIS PLACE IS!!!

When Greer had that whole Protestant-husband-funding-Francis’s-attempted-assassination plotline, they could have just written her off the show. But instead, she’s now got hands-down the most fun plotline of anyone.

 

Kenna and Lola head out to visit her, expecting the same tangled hair and poverty they found on their last visit. But Greer turns out with a red lip right out of the 1990s, a casually déshabillé ensemble, and the shade-throwing face we’ve all come to adore.

When you remember all these girls are meant to be like, 17 years old, her sudden success is even more amazing. Girl knows how to hustle.

 

That said, I’m not feeling her Madame Thenardier ‘do. Apparently she’s been spending all her time with interior design and businesswoman things, leaving no time for a brush.

 

It was fun seeing how her BFFs reacted to this. Lola, despite being the unwed mother of the King’s bastard, is shocked SHOCKED by this turn of events. Kenna, party girl she is, seems ready to join in the fun. 

Of course, the costumers put both ladies in dresses 10000% more covered-up than usual, just so they could stand out among Greer’s half-dressed workers.

 

Seriously, this is the happiest Greer’s ever been. And why? Because she’s in charge of her own damn life for the first time maybe ever. In fact, all three toast themselves as fallen, but fabulous, women.

Historical note: did you know that champagne glasses were designed to look like breasts? So really this toast is all about girl power in every possible way.

 

WTF #4: Kenna wants the D

Real talk: ever since she split with Bash (“weeks ago” I guess?), girl’s been seriously on the prowl. Also, winter has lasted for the past like five years so I think everyone’s got lots of pent-up spring fever.

Enough with the cloaks, show! Bring on some springtime easy breezy fashions, please.

 

And remind me why she and Bash split up? Boyfriend looks GOOD in this new armor outfit.

Oh, that’s right, he’s too busy running around solving Supernatural-adjacent mysteries and frolocking with magic ex-nuns to spend time with his actual wifey.

 

She’s so bummed out she only has the energy to put on this subtle (for her) headpiece.

 

Of course, Kenna’s got a new crush, and it’s that dude from last week she met in the woods! Winter or not, she throws down this illusion netting figure skating gown that practically screams “RAVISH ME LIKE THESE SEQUINS ARE RAVISHING MY CLAVICLE AREA!”

 

Am I crazy or is this dress kind of amazing? Do I have some sort of overly long winter/cloak related PTSD?

Also, because it bears noting, Kenna can do so much better than this random dude. Part of why she and Bash split is that she wants fancy, pretty, expensive things in her life, so what’s this soldier mercenary got to offer that’s so great? Besides the D. Girl needs to get her rocks off, which I can respect.

 

WTF #3: Intergenerational Love Triangle

I am HIGHLY UNCOMFORTABLE with this ongoing Cathy/Narcisse/Lola love triangle. This is like if, I don’t know, Aria Montgomery fell for Spencer’s Dad or something. Grown-ups should only hook up with other grown-ups, even if all the actors on the show are basically the same age.

It of course doesn’t help that when Megan Follows wears her hair down, she looks about 25.

So pretty and youthful! But I guess we all know from that Secret Sex Diary plotline that Narcisse has got the moves that make all the girls go wild. Even the girls wearing gigantic cross necklaces, which brings to mind King Henry and his whole submissive/religious thing with the Bean Queen #nostalgia.

 

You get yours, Cathy.

 

The only woman who can stand up to Cathy in the flaw-free hair division this week is her romantic rival, Lady “Hermione Granger face” Lola.

For real, girl makes this face at least once per episode, and it’s always when someone suggests something completely idiotic. Lola is the ultimate get-a-grip friend.

 

She meets up with Narcisse OH SO COINCIDENTALLY outside of Greer’s bordello, which helps to show how this new set is going to be like the Rear Window Brew for this cast. Just a place to hang out, hook up, and maybe run into the people you’re currently busy love triangling with.

There weren’t any bathtubs nearby, so this convo is rated PG. Too bad for us.

 

But real talk: if there’s one person on this show you do NOT want to be cockblocking, it’s this Queen here. She’ll poison you and your family before you even know what’s happening.

She’s got her hair up, though, so you know she’s all business. Any sense of impropriety between her lover and her son’s babymama (see how gross this love triangle is??) and you know she will cut a bitch.

 

WTF #2: Conde breaks the time/space continuum

So full disclosure: I’m slightly a nerd about British history so occasionally this show’s completely incorrect plotlines irk me a little. But this show’s Anthropologie wardrobe and magic pagans and sexy love triangles make me usually able to disregard how historically inaccurate it all is.

I was even fine with the whole Mary/Conde thing because the show kind of made it seem like it was all behind closed doors and so MAYBE it could have happened, but just nobody wrote it down.

That being said, if they want their affair to not destroy the French monarchy, they may want to stop meeting in open fields like this one. Although since it’s neverending winter, maybe nobody else is venturing outside so I’ll allow it. Especially as her cloak is almost leopard print, which would be amazing.

 

But then even I have to throw up my hands when Queen Elizabeth I decides, why not marry this random prince by proxy? SHOW, NO. Queen Elizabeth I is famous for a lot of things, but is maybe most famous for NEVER MARRYING ANYONE EVER. You expect us to believe that Liz is that desperate to troll her cousin Mary that she casts aside her ENTIRE LIFE’S MISSION just to get with Conde?

But then the proxy arrived for the wedding and again, I was maybe ready to forgive this plotline because IS THE PROXY CLARISSA????? 

You know that’s how she’s showing up to her own wedding.

 

Even Conde, with his continuing hilarious facial expressions, is like, “Shit, am I marrying CLARISSA???” 

 

Psych! No, it’s just this poor doomed lady in this incredibly ugly dress.

Like, it’s bad enough she’s a marriage proxy for her Queen, but do have to do it in this 1981 wedding dress? This is like a knockoff of Princess Diana’s dress which again, is NOT A GOOD SIGN.

 

But Conde, assured that the proxy is cute (and not a back-from-the-dead sociopath and the show’s best character), puts on his determined eyebrows and is like, “Let’s do this.”

 

They then proceed to the Worst Honeymoon Ever, laying chastely with a sharp sword between them. 

You know Conde’s brother or Narcisse would be able to find a way to have fun with that sword in bed, but Conde’s still hung up on Mary and you just know his tastes run completely vanilla.

 

But SOMEONE gets a little stab-happy as in the morning, not-Clarissa the proxy is TOTALLY MURDERED.

That’s a shorter-lived wedding than Kim Kardashian. Heee-yo.

 

And then MAYBE JUST MAYBE the plotline rights itself out, because it turns out the minister and the witneses to this “wedding” were also all murdered and Conde’s the only one left standing. He pleads with his envoy friend to find another proxy, but the envoy is like, “Yeah…. Queen Liz decided not to marry you after all. It’s not her, it’s you.”

And Conde’s brows are like, “Le derp?”

Seriously, the envoy just peaces out like, “THE TUDORS SEND THEIR REGARDS!” and we’re left to wonder: did Elizabeth engineer this whole wedding just to frame Conde to get him killed because she knows Mary likes him? Was it all just an elaborate prank on her cousin? Because that is HILARIOUS.

 

The whole sitch leaves Conde pretty much screwed, as Mary will never take him back as her lover or defend him ever again, Francis now knows he’s allied with their enemies, oh and also Narcisse and Cathy framed him for the murder of some alter boys. Conde’s just been burned in LITERALLY EVERY DIRECTION, and bless his simple heart, I don’t know if he fully understands any of this.

“Le derp?”

 

WTF #1: Mary, Queen of NOPE

You might think my history nerd self wouldn’t be into Mary’s wishy-washy portrayal and random love triangles, but au contraire. The RL Mary Q of S was, in fact, totally boy crazy and made terrible decisions 100% of the time. She was like the historical Queen version of that girl you know who won’t break up with one boyfriend until she’s got the next one lined up.

Love you girl, but you know it’s true.

 

And just in case we weren’t questioning her judgment hard enough, they have to bring back THE FUGLIEST SKIRT IN THIS SHOW’S HISTORY. Yes, friends, it’s the return of the quadruple peplum.

At this point, I can only assume this skirt is like her version of her fav yoga pants or those really worn-in jeans. Just throw it on when you don’t know what to wear.

 

If you hold your hand up to hide the skirt, or crop it out as I did below, her top half is pretty regal. Standard issue Mary black, with stud-adjacent gold accents and that Hail Caesar crown she likes to wear sometimes. Again, like the Princess Diana dress, Julius Caesar is not the sort of royal that one wants to emulate (<spoiler>because of his assassination by his BFF</spoiler>).

 

Anyway, Mary continues her “OH POOR ME” tour this week as she frets about the return of her LOVAH while wearing a variety of shawls. Here she is doing a sort of Stevie Nicks fringed thing.

 

You’d think that with the amount of white ruffles on both of these gorgeous teen royals they could get past their (plot-mandated) differences, but no. They’re as far apart as ever, as evidenced by how they were carefully art directed to stand as far apart as possible.

 

Girl talk!! I hadn’t realized how long it’s been for the ladies to hang out, but between L and K’s visit to G’s bordello and this throwback talk near the Windowseat of Girl Talk, I got a little warm feeling inside. They shoud be required to have one meet-up per week, like on Sex and the City.

 

Lola does her best get-a-grip-friend spiel, gently suggesting that maybe Mary isn’t so much in love with Conde, as she was just wanting to hook up with someone? Kenna’s like, “Not that there’s anything wrong with just hooking up with someone, right??” and Mary’s like, “BEEHIVE HAIR, DON’T CARE.” 

Seriously, girl is wearing a lot of hair pieces here and/or possibly a Bump-It. Somehow the whole look puts me in the mind of a Spanish mantilla, but done with hair extensions instead of a lace veil.

 

This is some SERIES WORST HAIR on her. Though snaps for this Vampire Diaries-esque diary writing sequence. Is this like a shoutout to Nina Dobrev’s imminent departure from the other CW show with a moody brunette star?

 

Anyway, Francis has a wardrobe of Pimp Daddy furs to strut around in, he’s got a suddenly deeper voice post-ear infection miracle healing, and zero time to listen to his wife’s weak sauce explanations for why she almost betrayed him and all of France just because she got a crush on a guy with amazing eyebrows.

 

Cathy pretty much sums up how I’m feeling going into the last few episodes of the season. DRANK, GIRL. 

Will Conde be actually held accountable for the absolutely traitorous acts he’s been carrying out all season? Will Lola and Narcisse finally hook up? Will Kenna find a dude worthy of her? Will Bash full-out leave for his own Supernatural spinoff? As long as that godawful peplum skirt doesn’t make a return, I’ll be here for it.