So this week on the soapiest soap to ever soap, Emily and Nolan are on a mission to get the flash drive back, but it was a super easy grab, so I’m not sure what all the drama over it was about for the last few episodes. David learns he has cancer, but decides not to tell Emily just yet, because keeping secrets always works out well on this show. Jack decides to leave the Hamps behind to head to L.A. with Baby Carl and Memaw Stevie. And our boy Nolan seems to have found a good guy for once, and makes it runway official. Of course Louise adorably tries to ruin this, reminding us all to never go against Nolan Ross when tech is involved. So Louise turns to her other main plotline, begrudgingly teaming up with Margaux on #TeamVictoria. That plan also doesn’t work out as she anticipated, as Vicky G kills herself in a blaze of glory. Literally.

 

Since Lulu and Margs are all #TeamVictoria, I was hoping for some killer fashionz in one grab, but those camera angles are a pain and hence James Tupper’s name photobombing this pic. Anyway, I’m not loving Louise’s weird, short, wispy bangs, but I do love the shoulder pads on that blazer. Good for her new villainous persona.

We only get a hint of Margaux here, but don’t worry, she wears the same thing all ep, and I got an AMAZING shot of her glorious hair, so stay calm, my babies. Victoria looks impeccable as we all do first thing in the morning, at least on TV.

 

While Queen V and her minions are bickering, Emily and Jack are paying their respects to Fauxmanda (blast from the past!) since she can now have her real name, Emily Thorne, on her tombstone since Emanda revealed that she’s Amanda Clarke… following?

Sticking to her loose revenge (!!!) wear, Ems is donning a baby blue peasant blouse, and I’m kinda loving it, but I may be detracted by the beautiful color on her. Jack’s looking pretty basic, but handsome as ever.

 

And Nolan has taken his social worker to a mid-morning fashion show, obvs, to shop for a suit to wear to the upcoming charity event. This is like his version of Facebook official.

I spilled coffee all over myself in jaw-dropping excitement over this suit. Nolan, you’re a fashion genius. Please come tell me what to wear. I can be your next charity case! 

 

Meanwhile, Louise coaxes Victoria out from her room to go to lunch, even though Victoria’s antsier than my son when he has to pee. Too vivid? Sorry…

I’m dying over this coat though. Is it sheer and embroidered? I don’t know for sure, but it’s stunning, and far too lovely to be kicked to the curb, again, literally. Girl get thrown down by a mystery ninja who she claims is Emily but that’s not our girl’s style so who knows?

 

After the attack on Victoria in the parking garage, Louise comforts her anxious friend with a drink and a few comforting words. I like how Victoria added a necklace upon her return to the room. Why wouldn’t she wear it out?

I’m really digging Louise’s necklace as well. I’m not crazy about the rest of the outfit, but only because of the color. Fits her like a glove, like most things do when you’ve got a bod like that.

 

Lousie heads over to Margaux’s office, and is berated for trying to take Victoria out to lunch.

Margaux is pretty unstable these days, but she is fiercely protective of Victoria. That purple, colorblocked dress is fab, and it’s a good thing, because she wears is all day long. What’s happened to you, Margaux? I mean, other than the whole bae got shot, she got hit by a car, miscarried a baby, inadvertently murdered somebody… but that’s just a regular Sunday in the Hamps.

 

However, we know all too well what happened to Victoria: Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke. And she’s still changing outfits like an Oscars host, but far mor casual.

I love this sweater. I want to give it a glass of wine and curl up with it on the couch. Emily and Nolan hatch a plan to get back the flash drive, and Ems takes off to make another costume change, leaving Nolan to head to his charity gala with his new man.

 

And still in the same outfit, Margaux’s trying to get Victoria to hand over the flash drive to the FBI. 

Look at Margaux’s hair. Look! I told you it was coming! Those drop earrings are beautiful as well. Anyway, V finally hands over the flash drive, but the freaking FBI agent loses it to Emily, dressed as a firefighter when the fire alarm is pulled, in some David Blaine close up magic style. Why were they even worried about this?

 

Emily heads home completely relieved to be done with everything. “No more battles to fight”, she says. That’s a jinx if I ever heard one.

And David decides to keep his mouth shut over the whole cancer sitch. Good call, I’m sure nothing bad will come of that.

 

While Emily and daddy dearest are having a moment, Nolan is having one of his own in that stunning suit. Black piping on the blazer, monochrome paisley shirt and a polka dotted pocket square… I’m having flashes of Chuck Bass.

Louise comes in and makes a scene in true soap style by spilling wine on Nolan’s new BF’s new suit. She also manages to have her plans to get a confession out of Nolan thwarted when he resets her phone so she can’t record him. I’m not crazy about Louise or her dress, but only because it’s about two sizes too small in the bust. Surely she could afford to buy the dress a bit larger and have it tailored, no? 

 

Across town we have another weird embrace between Victoria and Margaux. These two really like touching each others’ faces.

They also clearly love them some beautiful outerwear.

 

Margaux hands Vicky over to her bodyguard, who delivers that fugly chair to her. 

Why wasn’t that thing burned?

 

Thinking that things are over with his new guy, a slightly dishevelled Nolan meets up with Ems at a bonfire, as you do, to tell her to go after Jack before he heads to L.A. with Stevie.

 

But Nolan’s new paramour turns up to return his suit, and to let him know that he’s not going anywhere.

Aww, I hope this one works out for our favorite Hamptonite. Though I haven’t bothered remembering his name, so I’m not getting my hopes up.

 

Meanwhile, Margaux and Louise decide to put their differences aside for Victoria’s sake. 

I’m still unsure about this alliance. They seem like water and oil to me, but we should get some great style combos out of it, this one notwithstanding.

 

While they’re off toasting to Victoria, the Queen herself is having a super dramatic, soapy moment over at Greyson Manor.

That red sequinned dress is stunning. Even next to that hideous chair. Can someone burn that chair please?? (SPOILER)

News flash: Friends dont let friends by ugly furniture. The more you know.

 

Friends do however, convince friends to chase after the ones they love, and Emily heads to the airport to get Jack. Narrowly missing him (obviously, because: soap opera), Emily finds herself met by the headlights of a car carrying none other than MASON EFFING TREADWELL!

Looking like he stepped out of an Indiana Jones movie, Mason reminds Emily that he was writing her story, and she ruined it by revealing her true identity. How did he know she was there? For someone claiming to be so stelthy, people seem to always be able to find her. I digress, Mason proceeds to narrate over shots of the entire ensemble wrapping things up, Jack on the plane, Nolan and his bf, Ben drinking after dumping Emily, David waiting to start chemo….

 

… AND VICTORIA BLOWING UP THE FREAKING HOUSE WITH HERSELF INSIDE!!!

HOLY SHIT. Now that was the soapiest moment on this show by far, and there was some Dynasty level stuff going on all episode.

 

Well, it looks like the Queen is dead, so I’m not entirely sure how the show will continue, though plenty of not exciting cliff hangers are dangling in front of us. We should get a pretty glam funeral out of this though…