What Jess Wore When She Sexted For the First Time

Jess finds out that the new boy she’s been sexting (for the first time ever!) hasn’t been ignoring her intentionally, but rather, he’s dead. Ok, solid excuse. Not wanting her text to be on his phone for all of time, she convinces Cece and Coach to go to his memorial funeral to try and erase the photo. Nick comes up with a genius business plan for him and Schmidt. But the only way they can do so is with a little help from Schmidt’s bar mitzvah funds. Enter Schmidt’s mom and a slew of ridiculous interactions between Schmidt and his mother. And Winston, as endearing as ever, tries to make friends with his cop partner, Aly, who thrives in giving Schmidt the full on third degree. Gotta love a fierce woman who’s got some sass. 

 

Jess finds out Coach’s friend Pete actually had a legit reason for standing her up. Score! He’s dead. Ooph. But maybe it was for the best so he didn’t have to see Jess in this little number. Listen, it’s a very nice dress and it looks absolutely darling on her. But I’m tired of seeing Jess always dressed in her school uniform. She’s still a spring chicken and should dress like one more often. 

All I’m saying Jess is I need a little more va-va-voom from you, ya dig? I also think we’ve seen this outfit on Cece fifteen times now. It’s not terrible, but like, how many different colors of the same shirt do you need?

 

Since Jess and Pete sexted texted, she thinks it’s only right for her to go to the funeral. And because Jess is all holier than thou.

No one agrees with her since they haven’t even skied together. But since Jess has this knack for always getting her way, Coach and Cece agree to accompany her. 

 

Meanwhile, Nick finally has a brilliant plan for him and Schmidt to buy 10% of The Bar. 

Yes, get excited Schmidt. Maybe now you guys can afford some hip new clothes and toss the tired three-button henleys, cough, Nick, cough. 

 

However, the only way the boys can pay for the bar is to get a hold of Schmidt’s bar mitzvah money. And unfortunately, the only way to get Schmidt’s mar mitzvah money is through his mutha. Who looks like a cross between a maitre d’ and Diane Keaton circa red carpet 2004. 

  

And who makes him wear girly cable knit sweaters, spoon feeds him chocolate and forces him to kiss his brother slash dog, through her phone.

But yay! Mrs. Schmidt agrees to give up the money as long as Schmidt writes thank you notes to everyone who gave him a check at his bar mitzvah. Oh calamity! 

 

Listen, I appreciate the difficulty in finishing all the thank you notes. If only I could have a team like Winston and Aly to help me get through all my wedding thank yous! 

Why does Winston always button his shirt all the way up? And why does he own so many Hawaiin shirts? But I love how bad ass Aly is even when off the job. Her hair is never out of place, and that black leather biker jacket is totes amaze-balls. Totes to die for. 

 

Over at the funeral Jess, Cece and Coach show up as the awkward folk they are. Cece and Jess both look like they stole their American Girl Doll’s jackets. And I don’t hate it. 

 

Then Jess finds out that Pete had a girlfriend. Because, of course he had a girlfriend. Now it’s even more crucial to remove the sext from Pete’s phone! 

 

Oh hey J.J. Watt! You clean up pretty nicely. So does Coach. I could get used to seeing him in these types of suits.

Also Jess’ LBD gets an A+. Forget the memorial, this is how I want you should dress all. the. time. Love the sheer neck and scooped neckline. It’s super flatering and absolutely looks your age! Yeah gurl, I just said you look good!

 

Despite the super sitcomy episode, I found both the fashion and jokes lacking this week. Best lines were Nick’s cry for some alcohol and Aly’s overly dragged out “no” to Winston. I’m also wondering if Cece meeting Mrs. Schmidt at the nail salon means we’re going to be seeing more of mutha?