So you know how the timeline on this show is impossible? For instance, how a few episodes ago they had the annual “we saw the first flower which means winter is practically almost over” gala, but then the next episode everyone was tobogganing? Well, it’s still neverending winter (…Westeros?) and they’re still hilariously forcing the cast to wander around for location scenes without hats on. NO WONDER FRANCIS GOT AN EAR INFECTION. So anyway, Bash continues to think he’s actually on Supernatural; Leith completely misunderstands what “annulment” means; Claude and Cathy basically share Narcisse; and Mary and Conde finally seal the deal JUST AS Francis collapses with the Bloody Ear Of Dooooom.

 

But just so you know, as ever, the biggest WTF is the continued lack of plotline for the show’s sassiest and coolest lady spy character, Lady Lola.

I know, girl. We miss you having anything to do, too. Tragically both of her love interests at this point (Narcisse and Conde) are busy getting busy elsewhere, while her back-up piece, Francis, is laid up like a toddler with his ear problems. Love the cloak, though!

 

WTF #5: Annulment =/= divorce

Meanwhile back in Ye Olde Village, Greer and Leith are having a great time living in sin over the tavern, down the hall from Greer’s Fancy Ladiez. G’s still doing that frizzy peasant thing with her hair, but the pragmatic way she’s just accepted her lot in life continues to amaze. Girl is down, but never out.

She could seriously use a brush, though. Or even just like… her fingers. Just comb your hair. For me?

 

But who cares, because Leith’s here to bring us…

I superlove how on this show, as all teen dramas on The CW and ABC Family, makeouts invariably mean the dude takes off his shirt while the girl remains almost entirely covered up. They know their target audience, and they respect us.

 

Anyway, Leith is frustrated because their hookups keep getting interrupted by one of Greer’s workers who needs the bed to peddle her wares. In this case, it’s Charlene, working her corset top like a total rock star.

No, literally, she’s like Steven Tyler meets Stevie Nicks in this outfit. And is she wearing her hair in that Cabo braid because of Mary’s influence over the fashion of everyone in France?

 

But she’s practically red carpet ready compared to the hookers in La Havre:

Whoaaaa. These outfits have nothing to do with any outfit that anyone’s ever worn on this show before. It’s like extras from Les Mis stumbled onto the set.

 

Anyway, Leith continues to have the same problem he’s had since he was a kitchen dude back in the day, which is: he can never take no as an answer. He wants to marry Greer; she says she’s already married to a dude in prison. He’s like, “I’ll go to the King to talk to the Pope to get your marriage annulled!” Because that went so well for Henry VIII back in the day. Anyway, here’s Leith in his Sunday best to go plead his (nonexistend, short-sighted, idiotic) case to people way over his station:

Dude, quickly: a divorce is when two people decide to end a marriage. An annulment is a VERY COMPLICATED THING where you have to explain why your marriage NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Basically the only way to get an annulment is if a) your spouse died before you consummated things, b) it turns out your spouse was secretly married to someone else, or c) you’re the king and invent a new religion (h/t Henry VIII).

 

This Vatican rep is basically like, “girl, please,” when Leith first appears. But when Leith mentions he’s basically BFFS with King Francis, dude’s like, “O RLY?”

So, yeah. This is not going to end well.

 

WTF #4: Bash continues to be on a different show

For serious. While everyone else has moved onto being on a show about teen marriages falling apart, Bash is still running around like it’s still The Darkness up in here. Kenna can’t even be bothered, pulling out this green season one dress as she slightly begs him not to go hunt yet another looks-supernatural-but-totally-isn’t monster of the week.

Love her flower crown. It may be snowing outside, but she’s like the Fairy Princess of the Spring.

 

So, I guess it’s like he’s dealing with the breakup of his marriage by running around and giving his Murder Eyes look to random dudes mistreating their ladyfriends.

 

Um, said ladyfriend apparently wandered in from the same Les Mis casting call because DAAAAAAMN. This is what you see when you look up Tragic Peasant in the dictionary.

 

Bash, used to seeing Kenna and Mary and the fancy court ladies, is like:

 

OK, not really. That’s the look in his eyes when this is happening lower down on his body:

 

Seriously, I don’t know if Torrance Coombs requested all of the roughest scenes to film, but not only is he all alone wandering around in the Canadian snow, now he has to get dragged halfway across France while bleeding from the gut.

Mad respect for the prop masters who set up the amazing trail of blood he leaves in his wake.

 

He passes out, and wakes up just in time to bring us:

 

He basically would have died, except for the Lady In White/Magic Nun Delphine is there and offers to either bring him back to life, or not. Oh, and she’s also not really a nun.

No idea with this plot. Seriously, no idea. Except for how she’s likely going to be his rebound from Kenna, much like how Olivia fell for Nostro when he nursed her back from near-death/torture.

 

WTF #3: Intergenerational coitus

Claude’s motivations are all over the place on this show. First she tries to hook up with Narcisse in a hallway, only to last-minute panic about birth control. And now she’s employing the strategy of “sneak into a dude’s room while he’s sleeping, then toss your hair seductively.”

Her hair looks lovely, but Narcisse has no time for her games. Or anyone’s games. He’s been turning down sex all over the place lately.

 

Oh, and he also sleeps shirtless:

Remember how when he first arrived on the scene, he was trying to seduce Cathy? Why can’t anyone on this show stick with one love interest at a time?

 

Speaking of the Queen Mum, Cathy spends this episode in this weirdly drapey purple velvet thing. It’s like a Lady MacBeth costume rented from the same store as the La Havre whore and Peasant Lady ensembles.

 

She does add some interest with a metric shit ton of gold statement pieces, though. These bracelets are Wonder Woman adjacent:

 

And HOT DAMN GIRL’S WEARING A CAPE.

 

But a tragic turn of events makes her turn to Narcisse, who kindly ends his random abstinent phase to give her some sexual healing.

And…I’m not here for this. On a show like this, you need to be either part of the Grown Ups or part of the Teens. The same dude should not be watching Lola bathe one week, making out with Claude the next week, and then sealing the deal with Cathy. This is like if on Gossip Girl, Rufus woke up in bed with Serena, then went to hook up with Lily. SOME LINES SHOULD NEVER BE CROSSED.

 

WTF #2: The Least Fun Love Story Ever

 So, Mary’s fronting like she’s just really into prayer these days, heading down to the chapel every morning.

 

But it’s not prayer she’s after, it’s Conde’s sweet sweet loving!

 

So let’s do a little compare/contrast. Here’s Mary, post-secret-nookie, heading out of the chapel and lying to Cathy like, “I just really like praying! Church is SO GREAT! I want it TEN TIMES A DAY!”

 

And then here she is with her actual husband:

 

She clearly has more fun with Conde. That’s partly because Francis reminds her of the terrible things that happened, but it’s also, I think, even more largely because her and Francis’s honeymoon phase is over. Love isn’t always heart eyes and sizzling passion. The main thing she likes about Conde is that spart of new relationship energy. And SPOILER ALERT: if you look up RL Mary’s romantic life, you’ll see she was perpetually chasing the thrill of a new relationship. So this is historically accurate-adjacent.

 

AND YET. Even if that’s what they’re going for in the show, Mary and Conde’s scenes are the most boring ever. Doesn’t help that they’re forced to meet up out in the snow (seriously, were the sets being painted this week?)

If you want us to find their love story fiery hot, maybe don’t keep throwing them into the frozen tundra.

 

Also, the whole plotline isn’t helped by Conde basically just standing around like this all the time:

…le derp?

 

Still, loving how Mary’s tiara du jour has pearl accents that sort of look like dewdrops fell on her head.

Word to the wise: being in love shouldn’t make you this unhappy.

 

For whatever reason, she decides to stick with her Flee To Scotland With Conde Plan. She’s so committed to it, she turns full Queen of Dragons by threatening to straight-up decapitate a dude if he won’t help her.

And if you’re going to spend a whole episode in a single dress, this is the one to do it in. We’ve got loads of visual interest with the semi-sheer sleeves, the jewelled neckline and the gold filigree design.

And we’ve also got the world’ most uncomfortable-looking choker to keep the look working even in close-up.

Seriously, every time we saw that thing I just felt uncomfortable on her behalf.

 

But pretty soon it’s off with the choker AND the rest of her clothes (except for, interestingly, her wedding ring) because it’s time to hook up with Conde!! Which brings us to:

Urgghh. If they’re trying to make us anti-ship these two, then putting their first sex scene directly opposite Francis MAYBE DYING OF AN EAR INFECTION is the way to do it.

Because you guys…

 

WTF #1: IS FRANCIS GOING TO DIE????

SERIOUSLY, IS HE?

It would be an amazing baller move for this show to actually go there. Suddenly Reign would be on par with its network neighbor The 100 in terms of surprise twists and weekly character deaths.

But real talk: apparently in Reign time (similar to Rosewood time), Francis has been King for about six months. IRL Francis reigned for about a year and a half, so we’ve got at least another season before his ear infection FLARES UP AGAIN. (Sidenote: very sad, yet very hilarious cause of death on a show where people are run through with spears on the reg.)