Well, Margaux’s gone full evil now, plotting to destroy everyone and everything in the Hamptons. But she still has a ways to go before she can put one over on Ems, who foils her by teaming up with Ben to — you know what, who cares, this plot is boring. Meanwhile, Victoria and David form a temporary alliance to defeat Natalie, and because this is the soapiest soap to ever soap, Louise accidentally murders her brother by flinging him to his death off of a rain-soaked cliff while they scream at each other in their terrible Southern accents. Also, there is some REALLY BAD HAIR YOU GUYS. Prepare yourselves.

 

The Most Boringest Cut of All

For a show called Revenge (!!!!), this show has sure gone through some boring plots, huh? Move over Padma and Carrion and Declan because I think we’ve met THE MOST BORING PLOT OF ALL. Boring Ben the Boring Cop has a Boring Backstory with a Boring Ex-Wife. That’s it. That’s what we spend an hour of our lives watching. So, rather than recapping any more of that, let’s just admire Emily’s gorgeous chambray shirt. 

Emily Thorne exudes so much class that even in a shirt so sheer you can see her bra, she still looks every inch the respectable lady who lunches. Fashion magic.

 

When the time comes for her to toughen her outfit up for the plot which dares not speak its name, the lady knows the power of a good accessory or two. One leather jacket and some badass shades later, and she’s Emily Thorne: Revenge Ninja. 

 

The show is all “Will she be able to save Jack from his DUI?????” but I mean, look at this BAMF.

There is no question here.

 

Wonder Twins Powers Activate…?

Nolan continues to split his time between his two besties, and he’s splitting his wardrobe accordingly. As he plays backup for Emily on her mission of ennui, he matches her chambray with his own denim shirt.

It’s a little restrained for Nolan and not a particularly interesting look, but: awww, BFFs.

 

And at the Fire & Ice Party (a party, you guys! A THEME PARTY!!), he coordinates with the new Mrs. Ross in pink and red.

 

Let’s just repeat that: Nolan Ross can pull off pink and red. Pink and red paisley, even. And yet he does not look like a Valentine! It’s the subtle details that do it: the red of the shirt placket exactly matches his red jacket, and his white shirt is dominant enough to make pink an accent, rather than an overwhelming focus. Circle snaps for you, sir.

 

Nolan and Louise are having marital problems because, contrary to the wisdom to every other piece of popular culture I’ve ever seen, Nolan is having problems hooking up when he keeps his wedding ring on. But you’d never know it to look at their outfits. Check it: Louise’s delicate pink-and-white gown coordinates perfectly with Nolan’s pink-and-red paisley.

Pour one out for Jenny Humphrey, whose season two eyeliner Louise seems to have borrowed this week.

 

Not sure whose weave she ganked for this look. GIRL NO.

Now, nothing against the blue strapless. Girl loves this silhouette and has the bod to pull it off. But what is up with the porn star pigtails? There was a time and a place for Louise to break those out, and that time was when she was seducing Daniel. Now that she’s moved on to bigger and better plotlines, why is she downgrading her hair? Who did she piss off in the hair department???

 

But heck, I can’t stay mad at her. Not when she gave us the greatest moment of the episode and, possibly, season to date:

Who doesn’t love a good accidental-cliffside-murder? It’s a soap opera classic for a reason. And fashion bonus: it pays off the foreshadowing of her gown, with its bloodstain-like patterning.

 

So Long, Zoë Washburne Gina Torres  Natalie Grayson

The episode starts off with Natalie in full-on Queen Bee mode, planning her Fourth of July party and throwing shade at Victoria such as, “That’s caviar, dear.”

And with her in that purple sheath, who wouldn’t bow down?

 

Well, Victoria for one. But Victoria is frankly a little lot off her game this week. Yes, her color block dress is bodycon and yes, it’s red and black and we’ve seen her in basically this exact outfit a zillion times before. Fine. But is her hair… frizzy?

I know that it’s July in Revenge-verse and that does tend to lead to frizz among most mortals. But we’ve seen this queen blown up in a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean, strapped down to a bed in a mental hospital, kidnapped and held hostage by terrorists, and still the entire time her hair remained immaculate. And you expect me to believe that a little July humidity and an inheritence struggle would create frizz? PLEASE.

 

And then she puts it in a low ponytail. Like some kind of commoner at a yoga class or something.

What even. Between the pigtails and this, I’m pretty sure the hair department is on strike or something.

 

OR they’re just spending all their time making Miss Natalie look her best, because she’s pretty drop dead as she seduces David in this oatmeal and leopard frock.

Gina Torres is possibly the only person on the planet who can make oatmeal look sexy, isn’t she? No wonder it doesn’t occur to David that she’s playing him.

 

But it all comes out at the party, where Natalie reveals that she was in love with Conrad (o… kay) and that she plans to ruin David in order to fulfill Conrad’s dreams (o… kay), and that she starved Conrad’s father into marrying her so that she could take Conrad’s money, just as Conrad always wanted (O… KAY).

Though I’m impressed with Natalie’s scheming, I can’t say I’m in love with her choice in formalwear. The illusion netting and plethora of sequins are a little too figure skater-y, and the shape does nothing for her flaw free  figure.

 

Luckily V is there to save us all, in more ways than one. First of all, she records Natalie’s confession to blackmail her out of town, thus saving David’s name. (I mean… that’s not really a save, tbh. I would much rather watch Natalie running around being nuts and condescending than watch David Clarke be low-affect and conflicted.) But secondly and more importantly, she gets her hair sitch under control. 

Without the frizz those romantic waves are softly flattering, and her frock shows us all how to wear sequins off the ice rink. Take notes, Natalie.

 

Margaux Will Destroy You, Yes, You

Margaux is so over the Hamptons, you guys. She will destroy everything, yes, goddmamit, everything. Why? Who even cares any more.

V: So I’m having some trouble with Natalie.

M: I’LL RUIN HER.

V: … have you met her?

M: idk, probably not? I’LL RUIN HER.

V: But like do you even know who this woman is.

M: I’LL RUIN HER.

 

But hey, at least she’ll look stunning while she does it. Look at her, running her adorable amateur revenge schemes in her wine-colored silk sheath.

In an episode full of questionable hair choices, at least we can always count on Margaux’s hair to define chic.

 

Margaux throws on this Elsa of Arendelle number for her transformation to full on ice queen. Because this is what she’s wearing as she frames Jack for drunk driving, thus separating him from the child he probably at least vaguely remembers exists most episodes, sure loves beyond all reason. Who would have thought someone so sweet looking could go after her almost-stepbaby so ruthlessly?

This is payback for that bracelet, bitch.

 

By the rules of Revenge (!!!), I’m pretty sure that Baby Carl and Margaux are now officially arch nemeses (they’ve double crossed each other! they’ve ruined each other’s lives, and now they must pay!), and I’m actually kind of excited to see how that goes next week. Is Carl going to break out a little child-size red Sharpie all his own? Will Emily tutor him in the ways of revenge as her revenge sensei taught her? Will we start to pretend that Ben never existed, much like Padma and other boring love interests before him? Here’s hoping.