In an unprecedented move this week, everybody gets their own story — meaning everybody who matters, meaning Lola, Kenna, and Greer. Lady G still be pimpin’, and continues to do so even when a wild Leith appears and asks her to give it up. She does give it up in another sense, but only after he admits he would want her whenever, wherever (Shakira, Shakira). Kenna continues to toy with the idea of being Antoine’s queen, but balks when she finds out his current queen is heavily pregnant. Lola has no time for silly games, slapping Francis down when he makes a move on her and pushing him back to Mary, who is throwing herself at Condé, who is throwing himself at a mysterious third party (hint: she’s got lots of red hair and had a tiny part in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie).

 

WTF #5: The power of Greith compels you!

Greer reminds me of me: posh accent, unruly hair, excellent business acumen, could make a silk purse out of a prostitute. She’s schooling her girls in keeping one’s money-makers in one’s bodice when there’s a knock at the door.

I’m not sure why Leith is dressed like a bellboy and/or a Sloane Ranger with those statement buttons, but I sure am glad to see him.

 

Unfortunately, Greer isn’t.

 

While her charges cluck about handsome bellboys, we get the chance to see just how well they’ve got it nowadays. There’s one of Kenna’s crocheted shawls at play, underwear as outwear, and the sublime and ridiculous green satin dress Greer wore back in season one. This girl puts her heart and soul into all she does, and her wardrobe too.

 

I’m going to throw some truth bombs at this juncture and say Leith got hot. It’s the extra facial hair that does it for me, but his kind offer to assist Greer even after she brushes him off sure helps.

 

Did I mention Lord Castleroy has conveniently been imprisoned for life? And that Leith doesn’t care about Greer’s career, he just wants to make her his in her super unhygienic room at the inn?

And that Jonathan Keltz grew into a man and grew a beard in the time this took to happen?

 

WTF #4: Kenna and the King

Supposedly, spring is on the way, but in outside shots the landscape is still covered in snow, and inside, Kenna doesn’t care. She has the dress that matches the fur stole, and she’s going to wear it.

If this dress had lace sleeves, it would be very season one Mary. It’s the floatiness that makes it classic Kenna, and I’m rather enamoured of that sharp sweetheart neckline and the way Kenna’s crystal healing necklace frames it perfectly. (Caitlin’s glow, tho. Am I right?)

 

In an episode as peppered with kisses as peppered steak, Kenna gets her own with Antoine. If only she (and we, the audience) could trust him, because it was one heck  of a kiss.

 

Sensing the distance between him and his wife, Bash materialises at the ball she organised for tasting Francis’s birthday wine (ooh la la) and suggests they go away to Paris. Kenna’s brought out one of her seventies’ lace numbers for the occasion, but she’s also brought the bling.

Her glorious hand harness and hair jewels don’t quite match, and that’s fine by me.

 

A girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do, so Kenna sneakily invites the Queen of Navarre to taste Francis’s wine (ooh la la again) to check if she really is dying. Apparently, in Navarrese, “seriously ill” means “super pregnant.” Her king insists she’s also dying, but Kenna is having none of that. He then admits he wanted Kenna to be his mistress just to hurt Bash, and the whole thing goes derrière over teakettle.

Which is a shame, because she’s looking particularly lovely in an embroidered tablecloth. I guess almost cheating on the husband you were forced to marry is a no-no, even in France.

 

WTF #3: The Lannisters of Casterly Rock

So this whole tasting Francis’s wine thing (ooh la la one more time) is a party to open the vintage laid down the day he was born. It’s also apparently the day for noblemen to throw their daughters at Francis, as his queen is gliding around in an Hermès print dress instead of throwing jealous tantrums. She even gives him her royal permission to razz his berries. Classy.

Q: Are we ever again to see Lola in any colour other than maroon? She usually wears a blousy burgundy get-up in the morning and a tight burgundy get-up at night, so stay tuned to see what she wears to the party (spoiler alert: it’s maroon).

 

Seeing as how Lord Narcisse doesn’t have a daughter, he decides to throw his niece Amelie at Francis instead. Fellow YKYLF staffer Ann and I were in agreement: these people must be hella inbred, because while Mary and Condé have similar colouring, Amelie is basically Francis with boobs.

Please don’t have a baby and name him Joffrey and let him be evil.

 

Amelie skulks around trying to get Francis to sleep with her, but we all know he’s really after Lola, the tousled-haired, unfailingly wise, opium-snacking mother of his child. To no one’s surprise, she chooses maroon velvet for the ball, and looks very queenly while doing so.

The sequin waterfall on the sleeves as well as the front is a wonderful touch, but I can’t like this dress. Its silhouette is matronly, and everybody gets to have sexy clothes except Lady Lola, and everybody gets to get their sex on except Lady Lola.

 

See?!

 

Lola dishes out some sage wisdom to Francis, as is her habit: he must let the Mary butterfly fly free, and be with Condé, and be understanding about what she’s going through rather than an asshat. There’s a jewelled poinsettia involved, but Lola’s hair is terrific, so I don’t even mind what’s happening below her neck. She also tells him to check himself, because they both love Mary, not each other.

As much as I want her to spice up her life, Narcisse has my vote. You can’t trust a guy who sleeps with a girl who looks like his sister.

 

WTF #2: I don’t care if Mondé’s blue…

I suspect Condé of interesting tastes, if only because some of his clothes look like he picked them up in an adult store. Check out those criss-cross gauntlets, yikes.

King Antoine, on the other hand, enjoys dressing in different textures of silk dressing gown and ordering his brother to marry people. He’s very keen on Elizabeth for Condé. Someone should remind him he’s shortly to be a widower, and can marry Liz himself if he likes her so much.

 

A few hours and a bracing ride later, Mary and Condé meet with the agent who’s checking out which bits of Scotland are good for them to set up their happy adulterous home.

It’s almost too dark to see it clearly in this screencap, but what Mary’s wearing isn’t all that anachronistic: high collar, heavy sleeves, button closure…I never take away marks for a side braid, so snaps for historical accuracy, Reign!

 

The hunting lodge where our two lovers meet the agent has a convenient bed, BTW.

 

The next day, Condé and Mary are frisking about in the snow like bunnies when they’re spotted – not by a rogue extra as they suspect, but by Antoine! *gasp*

He threatens to tell Francis about Mondé if Condé doesn’t marry Elizabeth tout de suite, which would end in both Mary and Condé’s execution. This feeds neatly into…

 

…Mary arriving in Francis’s room for srs bsns. She’s wearing her trademark black, which I wish I could stop being annoyed by (she’s Queen Mary, not Queen Victoria), but the sheer filminess of the gown stops it looking too heavy, and Francis’s acquiescence to her likewise getting her berries razzed is kind, but stupid. YOU DON’T TELL THE PERSON YOU LOVE TO HOOK UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE, IDIOTS.

I was transfixed by Mary’s earrings this scene, and with good reason. First off, I thought they were good old Catholic crosses. When I realised they were daggers, I wondered if they were meant to be safety precautions after her ordeal, or just that the wardrobe department suck at subtle symbolism. You decide, gentle readers!

 

WTF #1: Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me!

I do try to like Condé, but then he goes ahead and meets with Elizabeth’s envoy because he thinks Mary’s still in love with Francis (duh) and will throw him over at some point (duh).

Since it was recently announced that Rachel Skarsten — who recently played the part of Christian Grey’s assistant — will be taking the crown and the role of Elizabeth, I think she and Condé will get on just fine. He’s always worn a lot of leather, and just think of what you could do with those criss-cross gauntlets.