So, we’re back from hiatus and I literally have no memory of what happened last time. But that’s OK, because the show doesn’t either! So, it turns out that Gina Torres is the Anna Nicole Smith-style widow of Victoria’s ex-father-in-law, and now V is determined to disinherit her so V can get all his money. And then of course Gina hits it off with David Clarke, because what golddigger doesn’t fall for the first scrappy-faced fisherman you see in a Members Only jacket? Anyway, #TeamEmily gets two new official members this week: Nolan’s new wifey Boobs McGee, and Spawn of Fauxmanda, Baby Carl. Did anyone think Margaux was seriously going to expose Jack and Emily as Faux-FBI Lady Killers? Of course not. As Emily charmingly scolded, Margaux’s good… but not good enough. 

 

The Real Housewife of Montauk

Sham marriage to her BFF agrees with Louise, no? She’s got about a hundred new floaty dresses, bounce in her hair, and a bounce to her boobs step. But who can blame her? She’s married to NOLAN, you guys!

Well, that, and no longer taking the malaria pills that made her hallucinate and be psychotic. Which is a good thing, because I’m pretty sure people on antipsychotics shouldn’t stare too long at that dress. Nolan’s dapper as ever in the official creamy white pullover of #TeamEmily.

 

Unlike some other female characters on this show, Lulu gets bonus points for a total of FOUR outfit changes throughout the hour, including this retro one-piece:

I never knew a redhead could pull off mustard yellow swimwear, but here we are, and now we know. I know you guys have mixed feelings on Ms. Terrible Southern Accent here, but I’ve been won over since basically day one. Now that Nolan appreciates her, surely the viewing audience can’t be hard behind??

 

Meanwhile, the new gal in town clearly found her way to The Only Dress Store in Montauk as Natalie Grayson (Queen V’s ex-stepmother, I think?) sports this bandage number for the whole episode:

Like, it’s a lovely ombre dress and her body is clearly showing no sign of quitting, but remember when everyone on this show used to get like five dress changes per week? Are they spending all their budget money on other things? You get Special Guest Star Gina Torres, you need to give her more than one look. I mean, come on.

 

The Triumphant Return of Emily Thorne, Ninja Warrior

So, everyone’s fav ninja starts the episode making heart eyes at her new piece, Hot Cop:

And Hot Cop does us all a solid with some gratuitous male shirtlessness:

Thank you sir, for all your service to your country.

 

And so OK, these two have all the fiery hot passion of a tuna noodle casserole, but at least it brings us amazatrons scenes like this meet-cute at the local… rope-climb-pull-up-bar playground?

He’s like, “What are you training for?” And she’s like, “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you,” and he’s like, “Ha ha,” but joke’s on him because SHE ACTUALLY WOULD KILL HIM. In fact, by the end of the season, chances are she actually will.

 

But it turns out this wasn’t just a random workout, girl was preparing for what Nolan dubbed Mission Em-possible a.k.a. flinging herself off the roof and then rappelling down the side of Margaux’s building.

Personally, I’d have gone with codename Spider-Em, but that’s just me.

 

If You Only Have One Outfit, At Least It’s This One

So this week, Margaux’s looking to 1980s Grace Jones for sartorial inspo, which brings us this floodpants-meets-shoulderpads business casual elegance. If you read the mini-recap, it’s no surprise that I’m LIVING FOR THIS OUTFIT.

Let’s start with a wide shot so you can see the actual volume of these pants.

Like, I know she’s pregz and all but like… is she carrying the baby in her thigh region?

 

Reason #1,000 Margaux will never be a scary villain: girl’s so cuuuute. Awww look at her little mad face. Such an angry little French pixie.

PLUS she’s got possibly a series-best ‘do going on with the asymetrical waves. I wasn’t on board with her bob at the beginning of this season, but she makes growing out awkward layers look amazing. How is that possible?? (Answer: French genetics.)

Oh and in case you didn’t notice, her jacket is tuxedo cut at the back:

Don’t get too excited about Queen V here. She doesn’t have much to do this week other than wear LBDs and narrow her eyes at Gina Torres. AND YET Victoria got at least two different outfits this week, while Margaux spent the entire episode in ONE OUTFIT.

First Gina Torres and now Karine Vanasse? What have these ladies done to offend the wardrobe department? I mean OK it’s a killer outfit but NOT FOR A WHOLE EPISODE. This is a woman who needs to reassess her priorities. When evil scheming gets in the way of wardrobe changes, you need to LOOK AT YOUR LIFE.

Seroiusly, JACK PORTER changed outfits this week and you didn’t have time to swap out for a different blazer? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are getting to her.

 

Carl, Jr: Spy Baby

But I think we can all agree that the best part of this week’s episode was the Ocean’s 11 style slow reveal of #TeamEmily’s fantastic scheme. And the fact that it all hinged on this guy:

Yes, Baby Carl played maybe the most important role in the entire con. And of course he had it in him. I mean, this is the spawn of Fauxmanda.

His job was basically to be adorbable and remind Margaux of how she was nearly his stepmother at one point, I think?

HOW CUTE IS THIS KID SERIOUSLY.

Of course, once she was caught in his spell of chubster babyness, he smoothly gives her the bracelet that will ultimately delete everything off her computer. You like, like all little boy toddlers often do.

Hahaha, he doesn’t even look back to see if she took it. That’s how confident he is in his spy skills.

And let’s not think too hard about why Carl Jr. likes to suddenly gift beaded bracelets to everyone. Is he making them himself? Are they toy bracelets he likes to play with? But Margaux doesn’t question the gift, and neither will I.

 

Ever wonder what it looks like to realize you’ve been conned by a toddler?

Yeah, you’re really not cutting it so far in the villainy department, Margaux. I mean, you’re really no The Initiative  White Haired Man  The Falcon  Malcolm Black. But she still looks damn good, one outfit or not, so I’m tentatively along for the crazy ride that is Emily vs. Margs: Battle of the Blondes.